Key and Peele
Season 1

Black Hawk Up

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 02/07/2012

President Obama rap battles, and a traffic reporter has some trouble flying.

>> WE GOT WORD ON THE STREET.

HONEYS DROPPING THEIR GS WANTING

PIECES OF ME RUNNING THE BLOCK

WITH THE RHYME AND MAKE THE HOOD

WALK THE TALK AND BOSS AND THE

KING KISS MY ASS SO THEY KISS MY

RING.

WHAT'S UP, HOMEY, YEAH.

>> I'M THE LEADER OF THE FREE

WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]

[♪♪♪]

KEEGAN AND I BOTH HAVE WHITE

MOMS.

IT'S TRUE.

WE HAVE WHITE MOMS AND THE THING

ABOUT BEING A WHITE MOM BEING A

BLACK GUY AS A KID A WHITE MOM

CAN'T HIT A BLACK KID IN PUBLIC.

>> CAN'T GO IT.

GETS RACIAL TOO FAST.

>> IT ESCALATES TO THIS RACIAL

THING AND A BECAME AWARE OF THIS

AT A VERY YOUNG AGE.

MY MOM SPANKED ME ONCE IN THE

GROCERY STORE.

I SWORE TO GOD, KEEGAN.

YOU KNOW THE TEAR DENZEL

WASHINGTON IN GLORY, THAT'S WHAT

I DID.

AND I PROMISE YOU JUST

INSTINCTIVELY IT CAME OUT ME.

HIT ME LIKE YOU'RE MY MOM.

♪ MAMA DON'T YOU HIT NO BLACK

BOY'S BOOTY ♪

♪ 200 YEARS AIN'T NOTHING

CHANGED ♪

>> MR. LEWIS

>> THANK YOU FOR COMING IN WITH

YOUR ASSOCIATES.

I KNOW THIS IS HARD TO HEAR BUT

WE NEED TO MAKE SOME SERIOUS

DECISIONS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER'S

HEALTH.

LET'S BE HONEST, SHE IS GETTING

ON IN YEARS.

>> OH, THAT.

OKAY, I SEE HOW IT IS.

I SEE HOW IT IS.

WELL YOUR MAMA SO OLD HER LAST

NAME IS OSAURUS.

>> NO, IT WASN'T AN INSULT.

I'M JUST SAYING YOUR MOTHER'S

CONDITION IS DETERIORATING.

>> OKAY, THAT'S A COLD ONE.

I SEE HOW IT IS.

OKAY, YOUR MAMA SO OLD IN HER

HISTORY CLASS THEY JUST WROTE

DOWN WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> MR. LEWIS, THIS ISN'T AN

INSULT CONTEST.

NOT ONLY YOUR MOTHER ELDERLY BUT

ALSO HER ABILITY TO WALK IS

CURRENTLY BEING AFFECT WILL BY

HER WEIGHT.

>> OH, SEE, OKAY.

IT JUST GOT REAL.

>> NO, I'M NOT INSULTING HER I'M

TRYING TO TELL YOU --

>> YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT WHEN SHE

GO TO THE MOVIE THEATRE THEY

MOVE OUT OF HER WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOUR MOTHER NEEDS TO MANAGE

HER WEIGHT OR THERE CAN BE SOME

REAL PROBLEMS.

>> OH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH.

YOUR MA IS SO FAT SHE NEEDS A

LOT LATITUDE AND LONGITUDE.

>> WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A WOMAN

WHO TOOK CARE OF HER AT LEAST

YOU CAN TAKE OF HER IN HER OLD

AGE AND TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> I'M SORRY I LOST MY TEMPER.

>> NO, REALLY, DOCTOR, I GUESS I

WAS JUST JOKING AROUND BECAUSE I

KNOW HER CONDITION IS REALLY

SERIOUS AND I DON'T KNOW -- I

GUESS HUMOR IS THE ONLY WAY I

CAN REALLY DEAL WITH IT.

I JUST KNOW THAT SHE SAID SO

MANY TIMES SHE DOESN'T WANT

ANYTHING INVASIVE DONE.

>> REALLY, I WAS NOT AWARE.

THAT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE SHE

DID NOT MENTION THAT TO ME IN

OUR PREVIOUS CONVERSATION.

OF COURSE IT WAS DIFFICULT TO

HEAR HER WITH MY [BLEEP] IN HER

MOUTH.

[ SILENCE ]

>> SNAP, MR. LEWIS.

OH, SNAP.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE

PROCEDURE.

>> HELLO EVERYBODY OUT THERE

>> HELLO EVERYBODY OUT THERE

THIS IS BROCK FAVORS WITH

TRAFFIC ON THE 1.

I'M FILLING IN FOR MY USUAL LAND

REPORT UP HERE IN THE CHOPPER

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS I AM

LOVING THE VIEW.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AGGHHH!

OH, MY GOD, OH, OH!

WHEW, ALL RIGHT.

[ NERVOUS LAUGHTER ]

>> WELL, WE ARE OVER THE 10 AND

IT'S MASSIVELY CLOGGED LIKE A

PINE OF MAPLE SYRUP ON A COOL

NOVEMBER MORNING.

AGGHHH, WE'RE GOING TO DIE IN

THIS MOTHER [BLEEP].

[BLEEP].

OH, MY GOD!

WHEW!

OKAY.

I'M SORRY FOLKS.

IT'S A BIT OF A BUMPY RIDE AND

WE'RE APPROACHING THE 405 SO A

LANE IS BLOCKED BY A MATTRESS.

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE MAKING A

RETURN TO IKEA.

OH, [BLEEP]!

WE'RE GOING TO DIE.

BLACK PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO BE

IN A HELICOPTER!

MAMA HELP ME!

THE 405 IS [BLEEP]ED UP RIGHT

NOW.

AIN'T NOBODY GOING DOWN THIS

[BLEEP].

I'M SORRY.

I'M VERY SORRY, FOLKS.

I'M VERY SORRY.

I'M LOSING MYSELF UP HERE.

>> ACTUALLY, YOU HAVE EVERY

RIGHT TO.

WE'RE ABOUT TO CRASH.

[ SCREAMING ]

[ ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING ]

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