Black Hawk Up

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 02/07/2012

President Obama rap battles, and a traffic reporter has some trouble flying.

>> WE GOT WORD ON THE STREET.

BROTHERS ALL TAKE A KNEE.

HONEYS DROPPING THEIR GS WANTING

PIECES OF ME RUNNING THE BLOCK

WITH THE RHYME AND MAKE THE HOODWALK THE TALK AND BOSS AND THE

KING KISS MY ASS SO THEY KISS MYRING.

WHAT'S UP, HOMEY, YEAH.

WHAT'S UP, HOMEY, YEAH.

>> I'M THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER][♪♪]

>> MR. LEWIS >> THANK YOU FOR COMING IN WITH

YOUR ASSOCIATES.

I KNOW THIS IS HARD TO HEAR BUT WE NEED TO MAKE SOME SERIOUS

DECISIONS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER'S HEALTH.

LET'S BE HONEST, SHE IS GETTING ON IN YEARS.

>> OH, SNAP.

OKAY, I SEE HOW IT IS.

I SEE HOW IT IS.

WELL YOUR MAMA SO OLD HER LAST NAME IS OSAURUS.

>> NO, IT WASN'T AN INSULT.

I'M JUST SAYING YOUR MOTHER'S CONDITION IS DETERIORATING.

>> OKAY, THAT'S A COLD ONE.

I SEE HOW IT IS.

OKAY, YOUR MAMA SO OLD IN HER HISTORY CLASS THEY JUST WROTE

DOWN WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

[LAUGHTER]>> MR. LEWIS, THIS ISN'T AN

INSULT CONTEST.

NOT ONLY YOUR MOTHER ELDERLY BUTALSO HER ABILITY TO WALK IS

CURRENTLY BEING AFFECT WILL BY HER WEIGHT.

>> OH, SEE, OKAY.

IT JUST GOT REAL.

>> NO, I'M NOT INSULTING HER I'MTRYING TO TELL YOU --

>> YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT WHEN SHE GO TO THE MOVIE THEATRE THEY

MOVE OUT OF HER WAY.

[LAUGHTER]>> YOUR MOTHER NEEDS TO MANAGE

HER WEIGHT OR THERE CAN BE SOME REAL PROBLEMS.

>> OH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH.

YOUR MA IS SO FAT SHE NEEDS A LOT LATITUDE AND LONGITUDE.

YOUR MA IS SO FAT SHE NEEDS A LOT LATITUDE AND LONGITUDE.

>> WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A WOMAN WHO TOOK CARE OF HER AT LEAST

YOU CAN TAKE OF HER IN HER OLD AGE AND TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> I'M SORRY I LOST MY TEMPER.

>> NO, REALLY, DOCTOR, I GUESS IWAS JUST JOKING AROUND BECAUSE I

KNOW HER CONDITION IS REALLY SERIOUS AND I DON'T KNOW -- I

GUESS HUMOR IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN REALLY DEAL WITH IT.

I JUST KNOW THAT SHE SAID SO MANY TIMES SHE DOESN'T WANT

ANYTHING INVASIVE DONE.

>> REALLY, I WAS NOT AWARE.

THAT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE SHE DID NOT MENTION THAT TO ME IN

OUR PREVIOUS CONVERSATION.

OF COURSE IT WAS DIFFICULT TO HEAR HER WITH MY [BLEEP] IN HER

MOUTH.

[ SILENCE ]>> SNAP, MR. LEWIS.

OH, SNAP.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE PROCEDURE.

>> HELLO EVERYBODY OUT THERE THIS IS BROCK FAVORS WITH

TRAFFIC ON THE 1.

I'M FILLING IN FOR MY USUAL LANDREPORT UP HERE IN THE CHOPPER

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS I AMLOVING THE VIEW.

[LAUGHTER]>> AGGHHH!

OH, MY GOD, OH, OH! WHEW, ALL RIGHT.

[ NERVOUS LAUGHTER ]>> WELL, WE ARE OVER THE 10 AND

IT'S MASSIVELY CLOGGED LIKE A PINE OF MAPLE SYRUP ON A COOL

NOVEMBER MORNING.

AGGHHH, WE'RE GOING TO DIE IN THIS MOTHER [BLEEP].

[BLEEP].

OH, MY GOD! WHEW!

OKAY.

I'M SORRY FOLKS.

IT'S A BIT OF A BUMPY RIDE AND WE'RE APPROACHING THE 405 SO A

LANE IS BLOCKED BY A MATTRESS.

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE MAKING A RETURN TO IKEA.

OH, [BLEEP]! WE'RE GOING TO DIE.

BLACK PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO BEIN A HELICOPTER!

BLACK PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO BEIN A HELICOPTER!

MAMA HELP ME! THE 405 IS [BLEEP]ED UP RIGHT

NOW.

AIN'T NOBODY GOING DOWN THIS [BLEEP].

I'M SORRY.

I'M VERY SORRY, FOLKS.

I'M VERY SORRY.

I'M LOSING MYSELF UP HERE.

>> ACTUALLY, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO.

WE'RE ABOUT TO CRASH.

[ SCREAMING ]

- AMAZING.- SO HOT.

- GOT LIKE FOUR STARS SOMEWHERE.- I HEARD IT GOT SIX STARS,

WHICH IS, LIKE,IMPOSSIBLE.

- OH, MY GOD.LET'S TAKE A PICTURE.

- LET'S TAKE A PICTURE RIGHTNOW. OH, MY GOD, HERE WE GO.

[camera snaps]- OH, MY GOD, I'M MAKING A FACE.

- OH, MY GOD, I'M, LIKE,ONE BIG NOSE. DELETE IT.

- EW, DELETE IT.- [scoffs]

[camera snaps]

- EW.- WHAT AM I DOING? I'M GROSS.

- HOW COME I LOOKLIKE AN ORCA WHALE?

- DELETE IT.- DELETE IT.

[gun fires, screaming]- ON THE GROUND.

- OH, MY GOD.WE'RE GETTING ROBBED.

- OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD,OH, MY GOD, OH, MY--

OH, MY GOD,WHAT'S MY EYE DOING?

- EW, I LOOK LIKE I'M 40.

DELETE IT.- OH, MY GOD.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,BUT DELETE IT.

- GET DOWN! DOWN![camera snaps]

- OH, MY GOD, I LOOK LIKESOMEBODY UNWRAPPED A MUMMY.

- GOD, I LOOK LIKEA FIVE-YEAR-OLD DREW ME.

- TOTALLY DELETE IT.- DELETE IT.

- DELETE IT.- RIGHT?

- FREEZE![gunshots]

- EW, I TOTALLY LOOKLIKE CLOVERFIELD.

- DID I JUST HAVEA STROKE OR SOMETHING?

both: DELETE IT.

- RIGHT?- YEAH.

[gun fires]

- L-LADIES,CAN YOU JUST SHOW ME

THE PICTUREYOU WERE TALKING ABOUT, PLEASE?

- OH, IT'S LIKE--- YEAH, STOP.

GREAT, RIGHT THERE.[laughs] THAT'S GREAT.

G-GRADY, WE GOT A CLEAR SHOTOF THE PERPETRATOR.

HE'S HOLDING A SHOTGUNAND EVERYTHING.

WAI-WAIT, WAIT,WHERE'D THE PICTURE GO?

- WE DELETED IT.- GROSS.

- WHAT?- I HAD CHILDBIRTH FACE.

- YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKEMY GRANDMOTHER HAVING AN ORGASM.

- DELETE IT.- DELETE IT.

- GRADY, BOOK THESE IDIOTSFOR DESTROYING EVIDENCE.

- OW.EW.

WHY ARE YOU BEINGSO "MANHANDLY"?

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.WHY ARE WE EVEN--

WE WERE THE HEROESOF THE EVENING.

- RIDICULOUS.- WE STOPPED THE PERPETRATOR.

NOW WE'RE BEING ARRESTED?- CAN WE PLEASE--

OH, MY GOD,THESE COPS SHOULD BE ARRESTED.

- THIS IS A MISCARRIAGEOF JUSTICE, THE ENTIRE TH--

[both gasp]

- WHAT?NO [bleep] WAY.

- OH, MY GOD, YOU CANNOT--- DELETE IT.

- YOU CANNOT ARREST MEWITH THAT PICTURE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?- DELETE IT.

- I WAS BLINKING.THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

- DELETE IT.- DELETE IT RIGHT NOW.

DELETE IT.YOU MUST DELETE THIS PHOTO.

- DELETE IT. NO.- DELETE IT.

I'M NOT LEAVINGUNTIL HE DELETES IT.

- HE HAS A PICTURE OF US.DELETE IT.

- I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL HE--YOU GOTTA DELETE IT!

YOU'VE GOTTA DELETE IT.- JUST DELETE IT.

- YOU HAVE TO DELETE THIS PIC--- DELETE IT!

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONES AND

ENJOY OUR PRODUCTION OF LUNCH

WITH GREATNESS.

>> MY, MY, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY

IN MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA.

I SWEAR THE SUN IS NEARLY SO HOT

I NEARLY MELTED.

>> INDEED DR. KING BUT I SUSPECT

WE DIDN'T MEET HERE TO TALK

ABOUT THE WEATHER.

>> INDEED, BROTHER MALCOLM

UNLESS WE ARTICULATE THAT THE

SUN IN THIS COUNTRY SHINES

BRIGHTER ON SOME THAN IT DOES ON

OTHERS.

>> YES, BUT WHEN THE SUN DOES

SHINE ON US IT IS GROWING THE

SEEDS OF REVOLUTION.

>> I SEE YOUR POINT BROTHER

MALCOLM BUT DO THOSE SEEDS NEED

TO BE WATERED WITH LOVE.

>> WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT IS THE

SUBJECT OF SOME DISCUSSION, DR.

KING.

I AM ALL FOR DISCUSSION BROTHER

MALCOLM UNLESS OF COURSE THE

WORDS EVOLVE INTO PROCLAMATION

OF HATE.

>> FOR IS THAT NOT WHY WE ARE

HERE TODAY, MR. KING, TO

DISCUSS.

>> YES, BROTHER MALCOLM AND I AM

CERTAIN WHEN WE DISCUSS.

>> WE ARE GOING TO DISCUSS AND

DISCUSS IT UNTIL I SAY THAT OUR

PEOPLE HAVE NEVER RESORTED TO

VIOLENCE BEFORE THE WHITE MAN

GAVE THEM NO CHOICE BUT TO PAY

HIM BACK IN THE ONLY CURRENCY HE

UNDERSTANDS.

>> BROTHER MALCOLM, IS THAT WHAT

YOU REALLY HAVE TO SAY AT THIS

POINT IN OUR LUNCH?

>> INDEED, DR. KING.

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T LAND ON

PLYMOUTH ROCK.

PLYMOUTH ROCK LANDED ON US.

>> OKAY, WELL, YES, ALL RIGHT.

I HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE TALKING

ABOUT ROCK WHEN IN FACT IT IS

THE FLESH AND THE BONE AND THE

DREAMS -- I HAVE A DREAM THAT

SOME DAY OUR CHILDREN WILL BE

JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR

CHARACTER NOT BY THE COLOR OF

THEIR SKIN.

>> YEP, SAME FOR ME.

IN FACT, I BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY

A BLACK MAN WILL BECOME THE

PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES.

HOPEFULLY FOR EIGHT YEARS.

OBAMA 2012.

>> OF COURSE EIGHT YEARS.

OF COURSE EIGHT YEARS, THAT'S A

GIVEN, RIGHT.

THAT'S A GIVEN.

BUT IN ORDER TO GET THERE ISN'T

HE GOING TO NEED THE HELP OF OUR

STRONG, BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN.

GOTTA RESPECT THE SISTAS.

[cheers and applause]

[R&B music]

- ♪ OOH - ♪ WHOA OH OH

- ♪ OH - ♪ WHOA OH OH OH

♪ OOH, YOU KNOWTHAT I BEEN WAITING ♪

♪ HAD THIS FEELINGFOR SO LONG ♪

♪ AND IT FEELS SO RIGHT,BABY ♪

♪ HOW COULD THIS FEELINGBE WRONG? ♪

- ♪ SOMETIMES THE THINGTHAT YOU BEEN SEARCHING FOR ♪

♪ HAS BEEN RIGHT THERETHE WHOLE TIME ♪

♪ SO, BABY, I'M HERETO TELL YA ♪

♪ I'M WAITING RIGHT HEREJUST TO MAKE YOU ALL MINE, OOH ♪

♪ YOU'RE THE ONEI ALWAYS HOPED FOR, OOH ♪

- ♪ IT'S A FEELINGI CAN'T HIDE, OOH ♪

- ♪ AND I ALWAYS BEENYOUR BABY ♪

♪ STANDING RIGHT HEREBY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ YEAH, IT'S BEEN BUILDING UPINSIDE OF ME ♪

♪ AND I JUST GOTTA COME OUT

- ♪ AND TELL YOUWHAT I'M FEELING, GIRL ♪

♪ TELL YOU OUR LOVEIS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT ♪

- ♪ I GOTTA TELL YOUWHAT MY HEART KNOWS ♪

♪ AND WHAT IS HAS KNOWNFOR SO LONG ♪

- ♪ I FINALLY NEEDTO SHOW YOU ♪

♪ MY ARMSARE WIDE OPEN ♪

♪ THAT'S WHERE YOU BELONG,OOH ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I'LL MAKE LOVETO YOU GENTLY, OOH ♪

- [screams]

- ♪ THE WAY I'VE SEEN ITIN MY MIND, OOH ♪

- ♪ I WILL TAKE CAREOF YOU, BABY ♪

- ♪ THERE AIN'T NO RUSH,BABY ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR SWEET TIME

- ♪ I DO ITTO YOU SLOW ♪

♪ THE WAYYOU'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE ♪

- ♪ OPEN UP YOUR MIND,I WILL OPEN UP YOUR DOOR ♪

- ♪ I WAS SEARCHIN' ALL AROUNDFOR THE ONE I CAN CALL MINE ♪

- ♪ SOMETIMES THE THINGYOU'RE SEARCHING FOR ♪

♪ HAS BEEN THERETHE WHOLE TIME, OOH ♪

♪ I WANT TO GIVE YOUALL I GOT NOW, OOH ♪

♪ AND I'LL TAKEALL YOU CAN GIVE, OOH ♪

♪ AND I'LL NEVERTURN MY BACK ON YOU ♪

♪ AS LONG ASWE BOTH SHALL LIVE ♪

- ♪ I'M TALKING 'BOUT YOU

- ♪ YOU, STANDINGRIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ♪

♪ OOH, WHOO

♪ NOTHING LEFT TO HIDE

♪ SUGAR,SAID I'M TELLING YOU ♪

♪ EVERYTHINGI'VE KEPT VERY DEEP INSIDE ♪

♪ OH, RUBBING UP AGAINSTYOUR BIG, BALD HEAD ♪

♪ YOUR BIG, BALD HEAD

♪ I SAID YOUR BIG, BALD HEAD,AND THEN I ♪

♪ THERE'S NO ONE ELSEI COULD BE POSSIBLY ♪

♪ TALKING ABOUT'CAUSE YOU ARE BALD ♪

♪ AND YOU ARE HERE

♪ YOU

♪ YOU'RE A WOMAN,I'M A MAN NOW ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOWTHAT'S HOW I LIKE IT ♪

♪ AND I'M SPECIFICALLY TALKIN''BOUT YOU ♪

♪ BECAUSE YOU'RE A GIRL,AND I AM THE OPPOSITE ♪

♪ YOU, WOMAN, WOMAN, WOMAN,WOMAN, WOMAN ♪

♪ YOU ARE A WOMAN,I AM A MAN ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I LIKE WOMEN

♪ BECAUSE I AM A MAN

♪ NEVER LIKED A MANIN MY LIFE BEFORE ♪

♪ AND I DON'T LIKE ONE NOW

- All right, man,what's up, man?

It's Vandaveon again.

- It's my boy Mike back here.- What's up?

- Straight up, man,"Key & Peele," dawg.

Y'all still doing it, man.

Y'all still getting it goingfor real, man.

I like this, man.

Show is good, dawg.

- Niggas stupid, though.

- Man, we had another problem

with a coupleof them scenes, dawg.

Trying to help you all out,you know what I'm saying?

- Got to hire us, man.

- He should be the head writer,man, I'm telling you.

He be getting the biggest laughsat the airport.

- Straight up.- Straight up, man.

You had this one sketch, man,

where y'all was talkingabout the Indian dude,

and he was a doctorand whatnot,

and the other dude was crackin'and clowin' on his shit.

Man, watch this, dawg.

- I know this is hard to hear,

but we need to make some serious decisions

about your mother's health.

Let's be honest.

She is getting on in years.

- Oh...snap.

Okay, I see how it is, I see how it is.

Well, yo mamma so old,

her last name is "Asaurus."

[laughter]

- Go ahead!

- [laughing]

That was my shit.- But it was stupid, though.

- I'ma tell you, man,seriously, though,

to make it funnier,y'all should have been--

you should have utilizedthe Indian dude more, man.

- Indian dude.

- That's some funny shitthat y'all missed, man.

- Punjab,Punjab and shit.

- This nigga...

[laughing]

Talking about Punjab.

His name should have beenPunjab Slumdog.

- Yeah.- [laughing]

- That's some shit.- That was Mike's idea, man.

That was Mike's idea.

And then, what you shouldhave done, man,

is, y'all should have had him,

like, go into his filing cabinetor something like that.

He should have opened up hisfiling cabinet and been like,

"Oh, here's some of myIndian food I'm about to eat.

"Sha-kow.

I'm gonna eat this Indian foodwhile we have this meeting."

- Vindaloo.

- Vindaloo, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He should be eating somevindaloo, just be like this.

And the whole timethese niggas was talking,

he should have been like,"Mm, this food is good.

You black guys,this food is good."

[makes fart sound]

- This nigga talking about.[laughs]

- That's whathe should have done.

Nigga should have justeaten his food,

talking about,oh, oh,

"Your momma is sick."

- [laughs]- "Your momma is sick."

[makes fart sound]

- Tikka masala, nigga.

Tikka masala, nigga,tikka masala.

Tikka masala, nigga,tikka--

- "Hey, excuse me, I'm gonna eatmy chicken masala."

- Tikka masala, nigga.- Nigga, I said it, I said it!

I'm gonna eat my shitright now.

Mm, this food is good.

Your momma is overweight.

Squeeps.

[laughter]

That is my shit, right there!

That's my shit!

And then you be like, "Man."

And then the other dudecould be talking about,

"Hey, man, I don't understandwhat's wrong with this room.

"Man, this roomis stanky as hell.

Is your damn food stinking,or is your fart stinking?"

- Nigga is stupid,this nigga is stupid.

- Y'all should write this down.

- That food--that foodsmell like farts

sometimes, though, too.

- It do, man.It do be smelling like farts.

And then the doctorbe talking about,

like, the doctor should get,

like, a prescriptionthat's funny.

He should be like, "If you wantyour momma to be better,

you need to put a doton her head."

- Nigga stupid.

This nigga stupid.

[chuckling]

- Home run, right there, man.

- Why you be stupid,nigga?

- "Why don't you put a doton her head,

"you black guy?

You black guy."

[laughter]

That would make that shit funny!

- Nigga stupid.- We done, motherfucker,

we done!

We got to be done, man.

- This nigga stupid on this one.- That's a home run.