Funeral

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 01/28/2016

When Gene is granted temporary reprieve from her house arrest to attend a funeral, she and Billie accidentally make a day of it.

- "And in the last days,it shall be God declares

"that 'I will pour forthout my spirit

upon all flesh and your sons,and your daughters'"...

- This is it. Nice shoes.- "'Who came up against some'"--

- Thank youfor your loss.

- Is this seat taken?

I like your shoes.They're very nice.

- I'm ecstaticfor your loss.

- You need to be quiet.

- Is one of youGenevieve Russell?

- Oh, that's totally me.The priest knows my name.

How cool is that?How'd you know?

- Because this ceremonyended 15 minutes ago,

and we've been waitingfor a Genevieve Russell

to deliver the final eulogy.

- Oh, shoot.Okay, yeah. Coming.

Where's the thing?- What thing?

- [whispers] The paper.

The eulogy. Where is it?- I don't have it.

I don't have it. Just wing it.- I can't.

- Just wing it.- I'm not gonna wing it.

I'm not a bird.- Then do it. Go, go.

- [whispering] All right.What's wrong with your voice?

Why can't you whisper?- I don't know. I don't know.

- Hey, you're the truckdriver guy, right?

You're the guythat killed Chet?

- Yes.

I'm so sorryfor your loss.

- Oh, that's okay, man.

Hey, I, uh--can I ask you a question?

Were you scared?

Did he scare you,even a bit?

- He scared the [bleep]out of me.

- Yeah.[chuckles]

Yeah, he did.

- Ma'am?- Coming.

- Whoo! Yay, Gene.Yay, Ge--

- Okay.That's enough, Billie.

Hey, everybody.

How's it going?

Um, sorry I'm late.

Not the sort of thingyou want to hurry up and get to,

am I right?

- [laughs]- [clears throat]

Chet Binghamwas a maker of apps

and a lover of shadowgovernment conspiracy theory.

He was my friend,and I, uh...

I don't havea lot of those,

so losing oneis really hard.

He--he was a...

Sorry.

He was a...[speaks gibberish]

Yeah.

He was a...[speaking gibberish]

He was a...[speaks gibberish]

[speaking gibberish]

[gasps]To know!

He was a...[speaking gibberish]

- Okay.- What I'm trying to say is...

[speaking gibberish]

- Excuse me.Excuse me.

Move, sir. Please.

I got this.- [speaking gibberish]

- Okay.- [speaks gibberish]

- [mouths words]- I'm sorry.

I feel like an idiot.Move your Bible.

- Move your Bible.- Jesus.

Hold this with your--- What?

- Hold it withyour holy hands.

[clears throat]

I have never seen anyonetry and evade the pain of loss

as much as this womanhas today.

- What's up?- Is it

because she's a bad person?- Yes.

- No. Is it becauseshe has the maturity

of a Teenage MutantNinja Turtle,

a TMNT?No.

It is because her heart

is as big as Chet's headin this poster behind me,

which, if I am not mistaken,

has been sneaking upthis whole time

trying to push me in the coffin!- What? No.

- No, sir! You won't have me!- No. Billie. Someone. Someone.

- Stop it!- Get her off of there!

- You will never--- Get her off. Don't--

- Billie.- I'll kill you!

- Billie!- [screaming]

- Get off of him!

- You're not gonnatake me with you!

- Get off of him.- I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed now,please.

- Ooh, turn left.There's a water park.

You missed it.- We have to stay on this road.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, State Farm.There's probably a petting zoo.

Let's stop.- We don't have time, okay?

We're not going anywhereexcept for the funeral.

- Why are you so sweaty?- I'm not sweaty.

I'm just concentratingon getting there.

- Turn right on Glen Road.- Oh, God!

- You okay?

- Yeah.- No, it's Chunky Cheese!

I have to pee.

- [sighs]Hold it.

- I can't.It's slippery.

- It's not slippery.

- There's a bathroomat Chunky Cheese's,

and they've gotmoving animals.

Let's stop.- Absolutely not.

- Please.

I'm just sayingI have to make wet.

- No, you're just sayingyou'd rather go

to a rat-themed restaurantthan your best friend's funeral.

You're avoiding.- Oh, my gosh.

That's like the least true thinganyone's ever said, okay,

because I'm frickin' psychedto go to Chet's funeral.

- You shouldn't bepsyched either.

This is serious, okay?

I mean, lookat what you're wearing.

- Don't tell me how to grieve!

[relaxing music playing]

I still have to one.

- Okay.

[relaxing instrumental music]

[woman singing in Spanish]

- [exhaling sharply]

[sighs]Calm down.

- Call it up.- Oh, God.

- Relax.It's just me.

- I know.

- Here, have a juice box.

- Thank you.

- [clears throat]

- Oh, that's not juice.It's wine.

- Yeah, duh.

Everybody knows that "juice"is code for "wine."

- Look, I'm sorryI snapped at you earlier.

- Oh, it's okay.

You're not the coolest person.I get that.

- Can I tell you something?

- No. Wait. Yeah.

Eh--

Okay.

- Um, when I was five,

at my grandmother's funeral,

my mom told me to gogive her a kiss good-bye,

so I did,but her casket

was on this loweringmechanism thingy,

so they had to get me a stoolso I could reach her.

And when I leaned into kiss her, I fell in,

and the casket shut behind me,and they couldn't get it open,

so I was just trapped in therewith my dead grandmother

for 15 minutes, and I haven'tbeen to a funeral since.

- And?

- And then the castof "Friends" showed up.

- Really?The whole cast?

Wait, was Gunther there?- No.

- 'Cause it doesn't countif he wasn't.