I Said Bitch

  • 01/31/2012

Jordan and Keegan trade stories about a forbidden word, while President Obama's anger gets translated.

[doorbell rings]

- HEY, HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT.- HEY.

- HI, SWEETIE,THAT'S FOR YOU.

- HEY, TRACE.HOW YOU DOING, GIRL?

- CHECK IT OUT.- OH, MY.

- GIRL, I GOT A SUNKEN TUB.YOU GOT TO SEE IT.

- OH, I GOT TO SEE THIS.- ALL RIGHT.

- YOU TWOHAVE A GOOD TIME NOW.

- HAVE FUN, HAVE FUN.[door closes]

DUDE, I AM SORRYWE'RE LATE, MAN.

- MAN, IT HAPPENS, MAN.

- AND SHE TALK ABOUT HOWWE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE CAR

AT 6:45,I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

- UH-OH.

- TELL ME MY DUMB ASSAIN'T SITTING IN THE CAR,

WAITING UNTIL 7:15.

- NUH-UH.

- OKAY, WHEN I TRACK MY WIFEDOWN 20 MINUTES LATER,

SHE'S STEPPING OUTTHE DAMN SHOWER TALKING ABOUT,

"CAN I HELP YOU?"

- SEE, THAT'S CRAZYRIGHT THERE.

- I LOOKED THIS WOMANIN THE EYE, I SAID,

"BITCH, YOU TOLD ME 6:45."

- YOU SAID THAT?

- PSH, YEAH I SAID--

"BITCH."THEN I LAID IT OUT.

- BUT YOU SAID, "BITCH,"THOUGH?

- HMM?

- YOU SAID, "BITCH"?

- YEAH.

- YOU GOT TO SEE THE FIREPLACEDOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- OKAY.

- DON'T PLAY GAMES, MAN.

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU'REGOING TO TELL ME.

- EXACTLY, IT'S LIKE,SAY WHAT YOU MEAN,

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.- IS THAT SO HARD?

- IT'S LIKE LAST WEEK, MAN.

WE GOING OUT TO DINNER,RIGHT?

I'M LIKE,"WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU DECIDE."- UH-OH.

- I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE."

SHE LIKE, "NAH."- MM-HMM.

- I'M LIKE,"STRAIGHT UP, CHILI'S."

SHE'S LIKE, "EHH."- NO, NO.

- DARRELL, I NAMEDSEVEN MORE RESTAURANTS.

- NO, CRAIG, NO.

- I FINALLY SAID,"TAYLOR'S," THE PLACE I KNOW

SHE WANTS TO GOIN THE FIRST PLACE.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- SHE LOOK AT ME, SHE SAID,

"IF THAT'S WHEREYOU WANT TO GO."

- NO, SHE DIDN'T, CRAIG.

- IF THAT'S WHEREI WANT TO GO.

DARRELL, I LOOKED MY WOMANIN THE EYE SOCKETS.

I TOLD HER STRAIGHT OUT,I JUST SAID IT, MAN, I SAID IT.

I SAID, I SAID, I SAID--

I SAID, "BI..."- HEY, GUYS.

- HEY GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?- OH, HOW YOU DOING?

- YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

- YOU SEEN THE BEDROOM?- JUST LOOKING AT THE WOOD.

- THAT WASHING MACHINE IS HUGE.- UP ON THE CEILING HERE.

- YOU GET A WHOLE BUNCH OFCLOTHES IN THAT WASHING MACHINE.

- HEY, BABY, I'M GOING TO TAKEHER BACK UP TO THE KITCHEN

AND SHOW HER THE DISHWASHER.

- DARRELL?- YEAH, BABY?

- I WANT A KITCHEN ISLANDJUST LIKE THE ONE UPSTAIRS.

- YOU GONNA GET IT TOO.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I SAID, "BITCH,IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO TAYLOR'S,

JUST TELL A BROTHERYOU WANT TO GO TO TAYLOR'S!"

OKAY?- YOU SAID THAT?

- OH, HELL YEAH, MAN.I LAID IT OUT, RIGHT?

I SAYS--I SAYS--I SAYS--

I SAID, "BITCH,I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE."

- YOU SAID, "BITCH," THOUGH?

- HMM?

- YOU CALLEDYOUR WIFE A BITCH?

- UH-HUH, YEAH.

- CRAIG.- DARRELL.

- WHERE ARE THOSE GUYS?

- I DON'T KNOW.LET'S GO...

- SO SHE'S LIKE,"WHY DON'T YOU RENT A MOVIE

WE BOTH LIKE?"- NO, SHE DIDN'T.

- AFTER I SPENT 25 MINUTESIN THE GODDAMN BLOCKBUSTER.

CRAIG, I LOOKED THIS WOMANIN HER OPTIC STEMS AND I SAYS--

I SAID--

I SAYS, "BITCH."

- YOU SAID THAT?

- AIN'T NOTHINGBUT A THING.

- BUT YOU SAID, "BITCH,"THOUGH?

- YEP.- SEE...

[phone rings]

- OH, SH--

HEY, HONEY, CRAIG'S JUSTGIVING ME THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOUR.

- SO THEN SHE'S LIKE,"I DIDN'T KNOW WE'D BE DOING

SO MUCH WALKING."- NUH-UH.

- I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T TELL YOUTO WEAR THOSE SHOES."

SHE SAID, "DON'T RAISEYOUR VOICE AT ME."

- WHAT?

- DARRELL, I LOOKED THIS WOMANDEAD IN THE WINDOWS OF HER SOUL.

- MM-HMM.- I SAID--

I SAID...

[door opens, air hisses]

I SAID, "BITCH."

- WHAT CAN I SAYABOUT ANCESTRY.COM?

MY ADVENTURE BEGANWHEN I RECEIVED A LEAF

POINTING ME IN THE DIRECTIONOF MY GREAT GRANDFATHER,

WHO WAS A PILOT WITHTHE FLYING ACES IN WORLD WAR I.

- ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE,I FOUND AN AUNT WHO TRACED

HER LINEAGE ALL THE WAYBACK TO THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- I WAS ABLE TO TRACEMY BLOODLINE BACK TO NOBLES

AND EVEN A KING.

- I DISCOVERED I'M A DIRECTDESCENDENT OF ERIK THE RED.

- AFTER ONLY A COUPLE OF HOURSON ANCESTRY.COM,

I WAS ABLE TO TRACEMY FAMILY LINE

ALL THE WAY BACK TO NONE OTHERTHAN OUR THIRD PRESIDENT,

THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- MARIE ANTOINETTE.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- ARISTOTLE.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- ALEXANDER THE GREAT.

- THOMAS MOTHER[bleep]INGJEFFERSON.

- JOIN ANCESTRY.COM AND BEGINA ONE OF A KIND JOURNEY

INTO YOUR UNIQUE PAST.

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOWWHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

NOW, BEFORE I BEGIN,I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLEOUT THERE SEEM TO THINK

THAT I DON'T GET ANGRY.

WELL,THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE.

I GET ANGRY A LOT.

IT'S JUST THAT THE WAYI EXPRESS PASSION

IS DIFFERENT FROM MOST.

SO JUST SO THERE'SNO MORE CONFUSION,

WE'VE HIRED LUTHER HERETO BE MY ANGER TRANSLATOR.

LUTHER?

- HI.

- FIRST OFF, CONCERNINGTHE RECENT DEVELOPMENTS

IN THE MIDDLE-EASTERN REGION,I JUST WANT TO REITERATE

OUR UNFLINCHING SUPPORTFOR ALL PEOPLE

AND THEIR RIGHTTO A DEMOCRATIC PROCESS.

- HEY, ALL Y'ALL DICTATORSOUT THERE,

KEEP MESSING AROUNDAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS.WATCH.

- ALSO, TO THE GOVERNMENTSOF IRAN AND NORTH KOREA,

WE ONCE AGAIN URGE YOUTO DISCONTINUE YOUR

URANIUM ENRICHMENT PROGRAM.

- HEY, MAHMOUD?KIM JONG?

I THINK I ALREADYDONE TOLD BOTH Y'ALL,

86 YOUR [bleep], BITCHES.

OR I'M GOING TO COME OVER THEREAND DO IT FOR Y'ALL.

PLEASE TEST MEAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

- ON THE DOMESTIC FRONT, I JUSTWANT TO SAY TO MY CRITICS,

I HEAR YOUR VOICES ANDI'M AWARE OF YOUR CONCERNS.

- SO MAYBE IF YOU COULDCHILL THE HELL OUT

FOR, LIKE, A SECOND,

THEN MAYBE I COULD FOCUSON SOME [bleep], YOU KNOW?

- AND THAT GOESFOR EVERYBODY,

INCLUDING MEMBERSOF THE TEA PARTY.

- OH, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTEDON THESE MOTHER[bleep]ERS

RIGHT HERE.

- I WANT TO ASSURE YOUTHAT WE WILL BE LOOKING

FOR NEW COMPROMISES WITHTHE GOP IN THE MONTHS AHEAD.

- AND YOU KNOW THESEMOTHER[bleep]ERS GONNA

SAY NO BEFORE I EVENSUGGEST SOME [bleep].

- NOW I KNOW A LOT OF FOLKS SAYTHAT I HAVEN'T DONE A GOOD JOB

AT COMMUNICATING MYACCOMPLISHMENTS TO THE PUBLIC.

- BECAUSE Y'ALLMOTHER[bleep]ERS DON'T LISTEN!

- UH, SINCE BEING IN OFFICE,

WE'VE CREATED3 MILLION NEW JOBS.

- 3 MILLION NEW JOBS.

- WE ENDEDTHE WAR IN IRAQ.

- ENDED A WAR, Y'ALL.

WE ENDED A WAR,REMEMBER THAT?

- THESE ACHIEVEMENTS SHOULDSERVE AS A REMINDER

THAT I AM ON YOUR SIDE.

[feedback squeals]- I AM NOT A MUSLIM!

- AND THAT MY INTENTIONS,AS YOUR PRESIDENT,

ARE COMING FROMTHE RIGHT PLACE.

- THEY COMING FROM HAWAII,WHICH IS WHERE I'M FROM,

WHICH IS IN THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA, Y'ALL.

OKAY?THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE!I HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

I HAVE A HOT,DIGGITY-DOGGITY,

MAMASE MAMASA MAMAKUSA, BIRTH CERTIFICATE,

YOU DUMB ASS CRACKERS!

- OKAY, LUTHER.ROPE IT IN.

- YEAH, DIAL IT BACK, LUTHER.DAMN.

- IN CONCLUSION,LAST NIGHT I HAD

A CONVERSATIONWITH MICHELLE.

- I SAYS, "BITCH."

- NOPE,I DID NOT SAY THAT.

I DID NOT SAY THAT.

- DID NOT SAY THAT.

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