I Said Bitch

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/31/2012

Jordan and Keegan trade stories about a forbidden word, while President Obama's anger gets translated.

- BECAUSE YOU'RE MY WIFEAND YOU LOVE THE THEATER,

AND, UH,IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

GREAT.

UNFORTUNATELY THE ORCHESTRA'SALREADY FILLED UP,

BUT THEY DO HAVE SEATSTHAT ARE STILL LEFT

IN THE DRESS CIRCLE.

SO IF YOU WANT TO, UH, ME TO GETTHEM THEATER TICKETS RIGHT NOW,

I'MA DO IT RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT'S UP, DOG?

I'M ABOUTFIVE MINUTES AWAY.

- YEAH, OKAY.YEAH, COOL.

NO, THEY ALL GOOD SINGERS,THEY ALL GOOD SINGERS.

- YEAH, SON. NAH, MAN,I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,

I'M ABOUTTO CROSS THE STREET, MAN.

- NO, THEY GOT THAT ONE DUDEIN IT THAT YOU LOVE, MAN.

HE GON' BE IN IT, YEAH...

- COME ON, MAN, YOU KNOWI'M ALMOST THERE, ALL RIGHT?

- RIGHT, NO, I'MA PICKYOUR ASS UP AT 6:30, THEN.

- COOL.- COOL.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH,YEAH, THE PARKING IS, UH,

THE PARKING'S FREE.

- [effeminate]OH, MY GOD, CHRISTIAN.

I ALMOST TOTALLYJUST GOT MUGGED RIGHT NOW.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT.- HEY.

- HI, SWEETIE,THAT'S FOR YOU.

- HEY, TRACE.HOW YOU DOING, GIRL?

- CHECK IT OUT.- OH, MY.

- GIRL, I GOT A SUNKEN TUB.YOU GOT TO SEE IT.

- OH, I GOT TO SEE THIS.- ALL RIGHT.

- YOU TWOHAVE A GOOD TIME NOW.

- HAVE FUN, HAVE FUN.[door closes]

DUDE, I AM SORRYWE'RE LATE, MAN.

- MAN, IT HAPPENS, MAN.

- AND SHE TALK ABOUT HOWWE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE CAR

AT 6:45,I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

- UH-OH.

- TELL ME MY DUMB ASSAIN'T SITTING IN THE CAR,

WAITING UNTIL 7:15.

- NUH-UH.

- OKAY, WHEN I TRACK MY WIFEDOWN 20 MINUTES LATER,

SHE'S STEPPING OUTTHE DAMN SHOWER TALKING ABOUT,

"CAN I HELP YOU?"

- SEE, THAT'S CRAZYRIGHT THERE.

- I LOOKED THIS WOMANIN THE EYE, I SAID,

"BITCH, YOU TOLD ME 6:45."

- YOU SAID THAT?

- PSH, YEAH I SAID--

"BITCH."THEN I LAID IT OUT.

- BUT YOU SAID, "BITCH,"THOUGH?

- HMM?

- YOU SAID, "BITCH"?

- YEAH.

- YOU GOT TO SEE THE FIREPLACEDOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- OKAY.

- DON'T PLAY GAMES, MAN.

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU'REGOING TO TELL ME.

- EXACTLY, IT'S LIKE,SAY WHAT YOU MEAN,

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.- IS THAT SO HARD?

- IT'S LIKE LAST WEEK, MAN.

WE GOING OUT TO DINNER,RIGHT?

I'M LIKE,"WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU DECIDE."- UH-OH.

- I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE."

SHE LIKE, "NAH."- MM-HMM.

- I'M LIKE,"STRAIGHT UP, CHILI'S."

SHE'S LIKE, "EHH."- NO, NO.

- DARRELL, I NAMEDSEVEN MORE RESTAURANTS.

- NO, CRAIG, NO.

- I FINALLY SAID,"TAYLOR'S," THE PLACE I KNOW

SHE WANTS TO GOIN THE FIRST PLACE.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- SHE LOOK AT ME, SHE SAID,

"IF THAT'S WHEREYOU WANT TO GO."

- NO, SHE DIDN'T, CRAIG.

- IF THAT'S WHEREI WANT TO GO.

DARRELL, I LOOKED MY WOMANIN THE EYE SOCKETS.

I TOLD HER STRAIGHT OUT,I JUST SAID IT, MAN, I SAID IT.

I SAID, I SAID, I SAID--

I SAID, "BI..."- HEY, GUYS.

- HEY GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?- OH, HOW YOU DOING?

- YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

- YOU SEEN THE BEDROOM?- JUST LOOKING AT THE WOOD.

- THAT WASHING MACHINE IS HUGE.- UP ON THE CEILING HERE.

- YOU GET A WHOLE BUNCH OFCLOTHES IN THAT WASHING MACHINE.

- HEY, BABY, I'M GOING TO TAKEHER BACK UP TO THE KITCHEN

AND SHOW HER THE DISHWASHER.

- DARRELL?- YEAH, BABY?

- I WANT A KITCHEN ISLANDJUST LIKE THE ONE UPSTAIRS.

- YOU GONNA GET IT TOO.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I SAID, "BITCH,IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO TAYLOR'S,

JUST TELL A BROTHERYOU WANT TO GO TO TAYLOR'S!"

OKAY?- YOU SAID THAT?

- OH, HELL YEAH, MAN.I LAID IT OUT, RIGHT?

I SAYS--I SAYS--I SAYS--

I SAID, "BITCH,I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE."

- YOU SAID, "BITCH," THOUGH?

- HMM?

- YOU CALLEDYOUR WIFE A BITCH?

- UH-HUH, YEAH.

- CRAIG.- DARRELL.

- WHERE ARE THOSE GUYS?

- I DON'T KNOW.LET'S GO...

- SO SHE'S LIKE,"WHY DON'T YOU RENT A MOVIE

WE BOTH LIKE?"- NO, SHE DIDN'T.

- AFTER I SPENT 25 MINUTESIN THE GODDAMN BLOCKBUSTER.

CRAIG, I LOOKED THIS WOMANIN HER OPTIC STEMS AND I SAYS--

I SAID--

I SAYS, "BITCH."

- YOU SAID THAT?

- AIN'T NOTHINGBUT A THING.

- BUT YOU SAID, "BITCH,"THOUGH?

- YEP.- SEE...

[phone rings]

- OH, SH--

HEY, HONEY, CRAIG'S JUSTGIVING ME THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOUR.

- SO THEN SHE'S LIKE,"I DIDN'T KNOW WE'D BE DOING

SO MUCH WALKING."- NUH-UH.

- I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T TELL YOUTO WEAR THOSE SHOES."

SHE SAID, "DON'T RAISEYOUR VOICE AT ME."

- WHAT?

- DARRELL, I LOOKED THIS WOMANDEAD IN THE WINDOWS OF HER SOUL.

- MM-HMM.- I SAID--

I SAID...

[door opens, air hisses]

I SAID, "BITCH."

- DREW, COME FORWARD.

- YES, CHEF.

THIS IS A CHICKEN QUICHEWITH CREMINI MUSHROOMS,

BABY SPINACH,AND FETA CHEESE.

- UNBELIEVABLE.

WELL, DREW, I HAVEA HUGE PROBLEM WITH THIS DISH.

[dramatic thud]

IT'S THAT YOU HAVEN'TMADE IT FOR ME SOONER.

[upbeat music]- THANK YOU, CHEF.

- BECAUSE IF YOU HAD,DREW, THEN I WOULD KNOW

HOW GOOD YOU AREAT COOKING FOOD THAT'S BAD.

[dramatic thud,suspenseful music]

- I'M SORRY, CHEF.

- AND WHEN I SAY, "BAD,"I MEAN, MICHAEL JACKSON BAD.

[upbeat music]- THANK YOU, CHEF.

- YOU KNOW HOW HE LOOKEDREALLY, REALLY BAD

AT THE END OF HIS LIFE?[dramatic thud]

- CHEF, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOULIKE THE DISH OR NOT.

- YOU DON'T KNOWIF I LIKE THE DISH OR NOT?

WELL,LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

PACK YOUR [bleep] KNIVES,GET OUT, YOU'RE OFF THE SHOW.

- SORRY, CHEF.

- BECAUSE YOU SHOULDBE WORKING

IN THE FINEST RESTAURANTIN THE WORLD.

[upbeat music]- THANK YOU, CHEF.

- JUST NOT ANY WORLDTHAT I LIVE IN.

[dramatic thud]- SORRY, CHEF.

- BECAUSE, FRANKLY DREW,I'M JEALOUS OF YOU.

- THANK YOU, CHEF.

- AND YOUR ABILITYTO NOT GIVE A [bleep]

ABOUT WHAT YOU COOK.

THIS IS NOT FITFOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.

NO, THIS SHOULD BE EATENBY A HIGHER LIFE-FORM

WITH A MORE COMPLEX PALATE,BUT ALSO AN ALTRUISTIC DRIVE

TO SAVE HUMANITYFROM DISHES LIKE THIS.

JOKING. NOT!YOU DESERVE TO DIE!

AAH!

SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO ENDUREA LIFE IN WHICH YOU WILL

NEVER EXCEED WHATYOU HAVE ACHIEVED HERE TODAY.

[upbeat music]

- THANK YOU, CHEF.

- IN CONCLUSION...EH.

- LIL WAYNE, Y'ALL.

THA CARTER. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, I'M COMING TO Y'ALL

STRAIGHT FROM RIKERSPENITENTIARY, BITCH.

YOU HEARD, MAN?

HEY, YO, MAN--

HATERS OUT THERETHINK I'M PLAYING,

THINK I'M SOMEKIND OF JOKE, MAN.

YOUNG MONEY.

CHECK THIS OUTRIGHT HERE, MAN.

[screeches]

I'M THE BADDESTMOTHER[bleep]ER

ON THIS WHOLE PRISON HERE,BITCH, YOU HEARD?

CHECK IT OUT, LET'S GO,I'M THE BADDEST DUDE--

AAH!

- WHAT CAN I SAYABOUT ANCESTRY.COM?

MY ADVENTURE BEGANWHEN I RECEIVED A LEAF

POINTING ME IN THE DIRECTIONOF MY GREAT GRANDFATHER,

WHO WAS A PILOT WITHTHE FLYING ACES IN WORLD WAR I.

- ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE,I FOUND AN AUNT WHO TRACED

HER LINEAGE ALL THE WAYBACK TO THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- I WAS ABLE TO TRACEMY BLOODLINE BACK TO NOBLES

AND EVEN A KING.

- I DISCOVERED I'M A DIRECTDESCENDENT OF ERIK THE RED.

- AFTER ONLY A COUPLE OF HOURSON ANCESTRY.COM,

I WAS ABLE TO TRACEMY FAMILY LINE

ALL THE WAY BACK TO NONE OTHERTHAN OUR THIRD PRESIDENT,

THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- MARIE ANTOINETTE.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- ARISTOTLE.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- ALEXANDER THE GREAT.

- THOMAS MOTHER[bleep]INGJEFFERSON.

- JOIN ANCESTRY.COM AND BEGINA ONE OF A KIND JOURNEY

INTO YOUR UNIQUE PAST.

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOWWHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

I'M TELLING YOU IT'S TOTALLYLEGAL.

THESE DOCTORS,THEY'LL PRESCRIBE

MEDICAL MARIJUANATO ANYONE, MAN.

- WHAT DO I TELL THEMI NEED IT FOR?

- IT DOESN'T MATTER.

THEY WANT TO GIVE YOUA PRESCRIPTION.

IT'S HOW THEY GET PAID.

JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP.

- HEY, MR. WASHINGTON,WELCOME.

- HEY, DOCTOR.

- ALL RIGHT, I'M GOINGTO ASK YOU A COUPLE QUESTIONS,

AND THEN WE'RE--- AIDS.

- WHAT?

- AIDS.

- AIDS?AS IN, UH--

- AS IN I GOT IT, NEED LOTSOF WEED TO GET RID OF IT.

- OH, OKAY, AIDS.

UM, WOW.

ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU SUREYOU'RE NOT SUFFERING

FROM ANYTHING ELSE LIKE,YOU KNOW, BACK PAIN?

- NOPE.- ANXIETY?

- COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

- HOW ABOUT INSOMNIA?

- SLEEP LIKE A BABY...WITH AIDS.

- OKAY, MR. WASHINGTON.

LET'S JUST SLOW YOUR ROLLFOR A SECOND HERE.

IF YOU HAD AIDS,THEN I WOULD HAVE TO VERIFY IT

BY SEEING TEST RESULTS.

WHEREAS IF YOU BACK PAINOR ANXIETY OR ANYTHING ELSE

THAT I CAN'T TEST FOR,THEN I CAN GIVE YOU

THIS PRESCRIPTIONFOR CANNABIS RIGHT NOW.

- OH.- UNDERSTAND?

- OH, I SEE, I GET IT.- AWESOME.

- MY BAD.- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

- OKAY, SO--- LEPROSY.

- NO, NO.

BECAUSE IF YOU HAD LEPROSY,I'D HAVE TO QUARANTINE YOU.

- OUCH.- WHAT ARE YOU--NO.

OKAY, I SEEYOUR FINGER'S FALLING OFF.

NO, DON'T DO THAT, THOUGH.THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

- SCURVY.- NOPE.

- RICKETS.- WHAT? NO.

- CONSUMPTION.- NO, MR. WASHINGTON.

SOMETHING FROMTHIS CENTURY.

- SCHIZOPHRENIA.

[high pitched]YOU DON'T HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA.

YES, YOU DO.- KEEP IT SIMPLE.

PLEASE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

- THERE'S A FISH HOOKIN MY LIP.

- JUST PICK SOMETHINGOFF THIS LIST.

- I CAN'T REACH IT.

- WHY NOT?

- PARALYZED.

- DOES YOUR FACE HURT,MR. WASHINGTON?

- YEAH.

- THEN THIS SHOULD HELP.

[buzzer]

- LIL WAYNE, Y'ALL.

YOUNG MONEY.

Y'ALL NEED TO WATCHYOUR BACK, YOU HEARD?

THAT'S RIGHT,YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

BECAUSE I'M COMINGFOR Y'ALL, YOU KNOW?

WHAT'S UP, MAN?I RUN THIS, Y'ALL.

IN FACT, YO,LET'S GO.

I'M THE BADDEST--

WHERE YOU GOING, MAN?WHERE YOU GOING?

HEY, MAN, WHERE YOU GOING?YOU AIN'T GOT TO GO--

[taser crackles]

[screaming]

OKAY, I SEE.

PICK ON THE LITTLE GUY, HUH?PUNKS.

AAH!

THIS LITTLE IRONICMOTHER[bleep]ER RIGHT HERE.

- I DON'T THINK WE SHOULDBE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW, MAN.

YOUNG MONEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THERE'S A TIMEAND A PLACE--

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,MAN?

MAN, I AIN'T SCARED, YO.

(Hail to the Chief by James Sanderson)

- Good evening my fellow Americans.

Now, before I begin, I just want to say

that I know a lot of people out there

seem to think that I don't get angry.

That's just not true.

I get angry a lot.

It's just the way I express passion

is different from most.

So, just so there's no more confusion,

we've hired Luther here to be my anger translator.

Luther.

- Hi.

- First off, concerningthe recent developments

in the Middle Eastern region, I just want to reiterate

our unflinching support for all people

and their right to a democratic process.

- Hey, all y'all dictators out there,

keep messing around and see what happens.

Just see what happens.

Watch.

- Also, to the goverments of Iran and North Korea,

we once again urge you to discontinue your

uranium enrichment programs.

- Hey, Machmud, KimJong, I think I already

done told both y'all 86 your shit, bitches.

Or I'm going to come over there

and do it for y'all!

Please test me and see what happens.

- On the domestic front,I just want to say

to my critics, Ihear your voices

and I'm aware of your concerns.

- So maybe if you couldchill the hell out

for like a second, thenmaybe I could focus

on some shit, you know?

- That goes for everybody.

Including members of the Tea Party.

- Oh don't even get me started on these

motherfuckers right here.

- I want to assure youthat we will be looking

for new compromises with the GOP

in the months ahead.

- And you know these motherfuckers

are going to say no before I even suggest some shit.

- I know a lot of folkssay that I haven't

done a good job atcommunicating my accomplishments

to the public.

- Because y'all motherfuckers don't listen!

- Since being in office, we've created three million

new jobs.

- Three million new jobs!

- We ended the war in Iraq.

- Ended the war, y'all.

We ended a war.

Remember that?

- These achievements should serve as a reminder

that I am on your side.

- I am not a Muslim.

- And that my intentionsas your president

are coming from the right place.

- They coming from Hawaii which is where I'm from

which is in the United States of America, y'all.

Okay?

This is ridiculous.

I have a birth certificate.

I have a birth certificate.

I have a hot diggity daggety mama-say

mama-sa birth certificate you dumb ass crackers!

- Okay, Luther, rope it in.

- Dial it back, Luther, damn.

- In conclusion, last night I had a conversation

with Michelle.

- I says, "Bitch."

- Nope, I did not say that.

I did not say that.

- I did not say that.

- All right, man, what's up?

My name is Vandaveon Huggins.

This my nigga Mike Taylorright here, man.

We want to talk to people.

Want to talkabout "Key & Peele," man.

That's our shit, dawg.

That's our new show, man.

We love it, man.

That's our jam,straight up, man.

- Shit's stupid, man.

- The shit is stupid, man.

Shit is funny as hell, dawg.

- This nigga's stupid.- And we know, man.

We comedy writersourselves, man.

We be writing sketchesevery day, man.

Mike and I, man,we working at TSA.

We work securityat the airport and whatnot.

Man, it's crazy.

We make everyone laugh.

We make our coworkers laugh.

Everybody think we funny, man.

- Straight prank.

- We doing pranks, man.

Do, like, prank shit,you know?

Oh, man, it's funny as hell.

Mike be saying some ad libs.

- You got some--you gota dick in this suitcase?

- [laughing]

It's like--it's likeexactly what he do.

He's talking about,"Hey, man, hey,

Excuse me, sir, you got a dickin your suitcase?"

This nigga talking about,"No, no, I don't think so."

- I said that.

- [laughing]

- I said it.

- Oh, man, y'all needto hire us, man, for real, man.

We love the show, man,but seriously,

there's, you know,a couple scenes in the show

weren't working for us,you know what I mean?

- Got some problemsin it, though.

- You want to come hereand sit with me,

or what you gonna do, man?

- Nah, nigga,this your shit.

- You sure?- Yeah.

- You all the wayback there, dawg.

- Don't be stupid.

- You gonna be talking,or what are you doing?

- Being stupid.

- All right, man.

But anyway,y'all had this one scene.

Y'all was two dudeswho was married,

and y'all was scaredof your wives, and whatnot.

- That was stupid,though.

- And then y'allwas looking around,

trying to talksome shit about them.

Y'all was like, "Bitch."

- Bitch.

- It was like, "You a bitch."- Bitch.

- You know what I mean?

[laughter]

- That is stupid,though.

- Watch this--- That's the--

- What?- You--

- Yeah, watch the video, man.

- Darrel, I looked my woman in the eye sockets.

- Mm-hmm.

- I told her straight out.

I just said it, man.

I said it, I said, I said, I said...

I said, "Bi--"

both: Hey, guys.

- Hey, girl, how you doing? - Oh, hey.

- You having a good time?

- You had two niggas,like, scared of their wives.

Ain't no niggascared of his wife.

Could, like, you know--

like, the first timeyou seen the women,

like, they was talking,

and then they, like,turn into giants, and whatnot.

And then they turn into giants.

Then these niggasreally be scared for real.

- Dragons, man, dragons.

- Dragons--oh, dragons, yeah!

They could be dragons.

No, tell them, man,tell them, tell them.

- No, no.- Go on, man.

- No, nigga, you.

- Shit, okay,like, dragons too, man.

Yeah, dragons, man.

They could be dragonsand whatnot.

You know what I mean?

These niggas be, like,sitting here,

I told her, you gonna tell me

to get out the showerand drive the car,

I said, "Bitch..."

Wah!- [screeches]

- This nigga just get burnt up.

He just got burnt uplike a match stick.

That would have been my shitright there, dawg.

- Nigga being stupid.

- That'd have been my shitright there.

- Nigga beingstupid right now.

- Dragons, that's my shit.

- You being stupid.- Nigga said dragons.

Tell 'em,you had another idea, man.

Tell 'em, man.

- Samurais, nigga,samurais.

- If these bitchesare turned into samurais, man,

that would have been my jam!

- Cut a nigga's dick off.

- [laughs]

Like, they wouldn't knowthey was hiding in the trees

or something like that, right?

- Cut a nigga'sdick off.

- He was sayingthey hiding in the trees.

And they going,"I says, 'Bitch.'"

And them bitches jump up,talking about, "Say-say-say!"

And cut these niggas' dicks off?

Nigga, shit!

- You being stupid.

- That's how you couldmake it funnier, dawg.

We ain't sayingit wasn't funny.

We ain't sayingit wasn't funny.

- That shit could bea little bit better, though.

- We're saying you couldmake that shit funnier, dawg.

- Even funnier with us.

- We on your side, man.

You should hire us.