Pilot

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 12/28/2015

When Harvard graduate Billie goes to interview for a nanny job, she's surprised to learn that her charge is a grown woman on house arrest.

This is temporary.This is temporary.

Hi, um, I'm Billie Brown.

I'm here forthe babysitter position.

Oh, um, uh...

Yo soy--

- You're the babysitter?

- I'm herefor the interview, sí.

Yes, sí.Yes.

I'll follow you.

Yikes.- And is this where you put her?

- Yes, in the sitting room.

- Hello, hello!

- Welcome!- Hi!

- This is our home.Can you believe it?

- No, that's great.Hi.

- Please, sit.- Oh, that sounds like fun.

- It's Wilhelmina, right?

- Oh, or Billie.Most people call me Billie.

- Or Bobbie?

- Well, no.

- This is my lovely wife,Tanzy, and I'm Kent.

- Russell, yes.

I just read an article aboutyour new hybrid sports car line.

It's so interestingto read about--

- It makes me uncomfortable

when people tell me thingsI already know about myself.

So we looked overyour résumé.

Very impressive.Harvard.

both: Wow.- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, thank you,

but it makes me uncomfortable

when people tell me thingsI already know about myself.

[chuckles]- I don't understand.

- [giggles]

- Tanzy, do you understand?

- No, I was just thinkingabout Danny DeVito.

"Twins."

[both laugh]

- It's funny.

Um, as you probablyalso noticed,

I don't have a tonof nannying experience,

but I love kids.

I'm sure I'd get along greatwith your daughter.

- Oh, she's not mine.

I've never been pregnant.

I wouldn't be able to drive.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, that--Is that her?

Wesley Snipes.- Yeah, it is.

Can I be honestwith you, Bill?

You know, my--my--my daughter's a great gal,

but she had some troublewith school.

- Uh, that's great.

I taught in grad school,so I could tutor her.

- Oh, that's perfect.- Yeah.

- I mean, she has to passher GED.

- I'm sorry?

- It was part of the dealI worked out with the judge.

- Judge--What judge--

- Now, my daughter has--How do I put this?

A criminal past...present.

You know, I probably shouldjust let you two meet.

Oh, hey. There she is.

[rap music]

- ♪ All this money, all this money ♪

♪ What am I gonna do with all this money? ♪

♪ All this money, all this money ♪

♪ What am I gonna do with all this money? ♪

- Oh, [bleep] shoot!

Am I late?- No, no.

- I wanted to makea good first impression.

Is this her?She's gorgeous.

Is this your natural skin?Can I touch it?

- Yeah, no, no.

- It's okay.I like guys.

- Oh, who are you?

- This is my daughter,Genevieve.

This is Bobbie.

- Oh, you can call me Gene.

Like Eugene Levy,but just the Gene part.

- I thought you saidyour daughter was seven?

- Oh, she caught us.

Oh, she caught us,didn't she, Tanzy?

- This is a joke.

- I don't know.

- Yeah, we may have fudgedthe age a little bit in the ad.

When we said "babysitter,"

we meant more ofa "court-appointed guardian."

- Is that an ankle monitor?

- What?- Is that...

both:An ankle monitor?

Is that an ankle monitor?

- Oh, my gosh. I can doa spot-on impression of her.

- Yep. Yep.

- Okay, I don't havethe background with criminal--

- Come on, Bill. You neverhad any trouble with the law?

- No, no, no.

I-I-I jaywalked onceto save a hurt bird.

- Bird.- What are you doing?

- See?You're practically twins.

- Yeah.

- It'll be, like,constantly having

a gal-palto hang around with,

like "Sex and the City."

- Ooh, I'll be Phoebe.

I look the most like her.You have to give it to me.

- That's "Friends."- Hire her.

Oh, I should checkthis out first.

- What are you doing?No, no, no!

- I'm just making surewe don't have

a Mrs. Doubtfire situationon our hands.

To my new babysitter...

[voice breaking]And my new friend.

I'm sorry.I'm a little choked up.

My new friend.

To Billie.

- That's so sweet.That's very sweet.

I don't reallywant a drink, so...

- Do it.- Okay.

- She has a neat butt.

- Keep going.- Oh.

Hey!

Call my Beethoven 'cause...

I love classical music.

Don't you?

- Yeah!- Yeah!

[all cheering]

[hip-hop music]

- Ting Poo's Dry Cleaners.No Billie here.

[both laughing]

Drink or die, babes!

[all cheering]

Oh, I do the best Austin Powers.You ready for this?

- Yeah.

[badly imitating Austin Powers]Oh, baby!

- Oh, that's so good.How's mine?

[British accent]Cheers, baby, all right!

- It's good. You could workon it a little bit.

- Black Eyed Peas!

all:Black Eyed Peas!

Black Eyed Peas!

Black Eyed Peas!

Black Eyed Peas!

- We're gonna live forever!

- Joy!- Joy!

- We're out of rum, baby.

- Hey, baby!

both:We're out of rum, baby!

- She is breathtaking.

- Get it, girl!

Get it just likeMeg Ryan would.

- Yeah, peyote'snot for lightweights.

I was halfwaythrough a hot dog

before I realizedit was a Coca-Cola bottle.

- Don't feel bad about that.

That's totally a thing.Switch?

- Yeah.

- I really don't think this ishow you play Apples to Apples.

- No, it is.Right, Ting Poo?

- Can I be honestwith you guys?

I write "Ladyhawke"fanfiction.

- Oh.

- As well, I'm havinga great time at the party.

Thank you, Gene,for the wine glass.

I needed it.

- "And thank you, Chet,for putting a roofie in it."

You're welcome.

- Chet.

- What?

- You aren't supposedto tell her.

- Tell me what?

- Where's the bathroom?

- It's cool.She doesn't know.

- She can hear you.

- Hear what?

- That we roofied you.

- Oh.