• Season 3, Ep 2
  • 02/24/2016

Abbi impersonates Ilana to cover her shift at a strict food co-op, and Lincoln drives Ilana to a doctor's appointment on Long Island.


You know how I joined thatfood co-op a few months ago?

Uh, yeah, your mealshave given me

like the healthiestshits of my life.

It's like, dump out,flawless,

dump out, flawless.

So, I haven't workedany hours yet,

and I need to do them today.

Obviously,I would do them, but--

You're going to the doctor.

Oh, wowee, yeah,whoa, whoa--

Dude, I just saidyou're going to the doctor.

Bop, bop, bop, bop.

No, I can't think about it.


Oh! Almost forgot.

Oh, yes, Gaga.Yes.

Oh, my God.

So obviously, the three of uscan't lose my membership,

so I need youto cover my shift.

I can cover for you.

But here da damn 'tang.

Not for me.As me.

Co-op memberscannot share shifts,

so technicallyyou need to be me.

How's that gonna work?

Well, no oneknows me there yet.

I... haven't workedany of my hours.

But I need you to makethe right first impression

so that when I do work,

no one will knowthe difference.

You know what, I would loveto live a day in your shoes.

That sounds really funand very easy.


Not literally in my shoes,'cause I'm a size five and--

Yeah, I understand.


I'm gonna just end it there.

Squished 11!

More, more.More, more, more!

(inhales deeply)

(breathes heavily)

Yas, queen.

Yas, queen.

Yas, queen!Yas, queen!


Yas, queen!

Yas, queen.I smell a duke!

Smell-- smell a duke!

Nice pussy boot!Nice pussy boot!

(high pitch)I love you, Abbi!

(high pitch)I love you, Abbi!

Do it!

There you go,you're getting it!

There you go,you're getting it!

Aww, what up, my babies!

(lisping)Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee!

Rape culture sucks!



So, wait.All porn is kiddie porn?

Basically,all entertainment is porn.

It's like, everywhere.

It's like, soon,they're gonna be, like,

screening on the insideof our eyes.

(Ilana)Ab, Ab, Ab, Ab.


Lincoln hooked upwith another girl.

She started by jerkinghim off with almond oil.

She went slowbut really tight squeeze--

Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Dude, you gotta go.

I've been hitting it off withthis guy and it's complicated.

Oh, hey.

Is this your friend Abbi?

Yeah,this is my friend, Abbi.

Ab, this is Craig.

A guy.

Hi, I'm Abbi.

I love pugs.

My family comes froma long line of colonial Jews.

Ilana has told meso much about you.

It's crazy how muchwe have in common.

On the count of three,your favorite Phish album.

One, two, three.



I have to take this.


It's my doctorwith the X-rays.


No, I don't needa labia reduction,

I was just asking about it.

And I'm gonna make a callto the Better Business Bureau.


Listen, on paper,Abbi seems perfect.

but she's just notmy type physically.

I like a girl with a butt.

Me! Me, I have... butt.

Okay, come here.


I've beenpretending to be Ilana.

I'm really Abbi. Hi.

Wait, what?

All that stuff I saidabout Abbi, that's me.

I'm her.

Abbi. I'm an artist, okay?I love Phish.

I wear full-length shirts.

This isn't me.This is me.

You impersonated someone tocover a shift at the co-op?

Technically, that I would explain it.

No way.

The Abbi I've beenhearing about all day

would never dosomething like this.

She would,

'cause I did,for my best friend.

I don't knowwhat's more disgusting.

The fact that you'vebeen lying to me all day

or the fact that you triedto cheat the co-op.

This is a place of trust.

In the words of Phish,

"Deduct the carrotsfrom your pay,

you worthless,swampy fool."

"Cavern."I love that song.

Every 46 minutes of it.

How slick was thatlabia mention, right?

Yeah. How slick.

Yas, queen.Yas, queen.

Yas, queen!

Yes, queen?Yas, queen!

Yas, queen.

Yas, queen!Yas, queen!

Again, yas queen!Ow!

Yas, queen!Again, yas, queen!

Yas, queen!Yas!


Yas, yas, yas!Yas, yas, yas!

Smell a dooick!

Sm-- smell a dooick!

Smell a dook!

Smell a dook!

Nice pussy boot!

Nice pussy boot!

Luh dat pussy!Luh dat pussy!

Step your tits up.

Step your tits up.

Step your tits up!Step your tits up!

(high pitched)I love you, Abbi.

Why am I saying to myself?

If you're me,you gotta say it to me!

You gotta say it to you!

If you're me,you gotta say it to you.

(high pitched)I love you, Abbi.

Oh, Ilana, you're da beest.

Oh, Ilana, you're da beest.

Do it!

Ow.More like a butthole!

This way!

Let that lip out!

Ew...Let that lip out!

Ilana, come on--Let that lip out!

Nice, there you go,you're getting it.

There you go,you're getting it!

There you go,you're getting it!

There you go,you're getting it!

♪ Dollar for your problem boy

♪ White daddyhaving fun in the end ♪


No, dude.It's not far off.

(imitating guitar solo)(beatboxing)

♪ Pick out your fork,pick out your beard ♪

♪ And anywheredoes anybody go? ♪

♪ Everybody's goingdown to Mexico ♪

♪ White daddy give mesome sloppy helpy head ♪

(imitating guitar)♪ Hoo!

(percussive vocalizing)♪ She don't wanna go downtown

♪ She wanna stay on the farm

♪ Yeah!

(door jingling)What up, my BBs?

Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee!

Rape culture sucks!






What up, my BBs?

Mami Leeny in the hizzy-lee!

Rape culture sucks


Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!

Hyup, hyup!Hyee, hyup!


Boop, bop, boo!



Kyuh, kyuh!




(imitating gun firing)

(imitating machine gun firing)

I hate guns.

Rape culture sucks!





Not used to wearingbig earrings!