Power Marketing

  • 09/02/1998

Duke Thompson pitches a new power marketing strategy, and ass pennies are a way to get the upper hand.

SUCK.

SO ANYWAYS,

I FINALLY GOT A MEETING WITH BELAMY,THE BACON BITS KING.

NOW, I KNOW MY CAMPAIGN'S AWESOME.

THE PROBLEM IS,EVERYBODY I TALK TO

SAYS BELAMY'SA REAL BALL BREAKER.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

YEAH.

WELL, NICK, YOU'RE MY BROTHER,

AND YOU'RE INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL.

YES, I AM.

I WAS HOPING THAT MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME TIPS

THAT MIGHT GIVE ME AN EDGE WHEN I MEET WITH HIM.

OKAY, SURE, HERE'S A GOOD ONE...

WHEN YOU GREET HIM, GIVE HIM A GOOD FIRM HANDSHAKE,

AND DON'T RELEASE UNTIL HE DOES.

NO, NO, NO, I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WEAR A RED TIE.

POWER TIE, THAT'S BUSH LEAGUE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A SECRET WEAPON HERE, NICK.

OH, SECRET WEAPON,HUH ?

YEAH.

OKAY, I THINK I KNOWWHAT YOU'RE AFTER.

BUT IF I TELL YOU, YOU GOT TO PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY ELSE.

I PROMISE.

IT'S SORT OF A LONG TERM STRATEGY.

WHEN'S YOUR MEETING WITH BELAMY ?

A WEEK FROM TODAY.

OH, NOT MUCH TIME, BUT IT MIGHT WORK.

YEAH, OKAY, SURE.

EVERY TIME A PENNY PASSES THROUGH YOUR HANDS,

STICK ITUP YOUR ASS.

WHAT ?

AND THEN SPEND IT.

THANKS, NICK.YEAH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLYGONNA HELP ME.

HOW DOES STICKING PENNIES UP MY ASS GIVE ME AN EDGE

WHEN I MEET WITH HIM ?

YOU DON'T JUST STICK THEM UPYOUR ASS, YOU SPEND THEM.

LIKE I SAID,IT'S A LONG TERM STRATEGY.

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR ELEVEN YEARS NOW.

EVERY DAY FOR THE PASTELEVEN YEARS,

I'VE STUCK THIRTY DOLLARS IN PENNIES UP MY ASS.

I USE THEM FOR EVERYTHING,CAB RIDES,

MOVIE THEATER,GROCERIES.

WHAT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH ?

WILL YOU LISTEN ?

THAT'S A LOT OF ASS PENNIESI GOT OUT THERE, MY FRIEND.

AND HERE'S WHERE THE MAGIC COMES IN.

WHEN I MEET WITH SOMEONEWHO INTIMIDATES ME,

WHO PUTS ME ON EDGE,

A REAL "HARD ASS",

I JUST THINKTO MYSELF,

THEY'VE PROBABLY HANDLED ONE OF MY ASS PENNIES.

IN FACT, THEY PROBABLY HAVEONE IN THEIR POCKET RIGHT THEN.

THAT JUST SEEMS TO SORT OFGIVE ME THE UPPER HAND.

I MEAN, HEY,

I HAVEN'T TOUCHED ANYTHINGTHAT'S BEEN IN THEIR ASS.

HEY, WHERE'S BELAMY LIKE TO EAT ?

HE LIKES TO EAT AT THE PUMP ROOM.

GREAT, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

GO TO THE BANK, GET YOURSELF 50 DOLLARS IN PENNIES.

STICK THEM ALL UP YOUR ASS.

OH, PLEASE.

ONE AT A TIME, OF COURSE.

AND YOU GO TO THE PUMP ROOM,

BUY YOURSELF A NICE DINNER,

PAYING ENTIRELY IN PENNIES.

NOW THEY'LL BE USING YOUR PENNIES

FOR THE NEXT WEEKAT LEAST.

BELAMY GOES IN THERE TO EAT,

HE GETS YOUR ASS PENNIES FOR CHANGE,

BY THE TIME YOU MEET WITH HIM,

YOU KNOW HE'S HAD SOMETHING IN HIS HAND

THAT YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR ASS.

SO ?

SO, THEN YOU GOT THE UPPER HAND.

NO, I DON'T.

YEAH, YOU DO.

IT'S LIKE IMAGINING SOMEONEIN THEIR UNDERWEAR.

NO, IT'S NOT,IT'S HORRIBLE !

YEAH, WELL, IT WORKS FOR ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT ?

I USED TO LOOK UP TO YOU.

I USED TO THINK YOU REALLYHAD IT TOGETHER.

OH, I DO HAVE IT TOGETHER,LITTLE BROTHER.

YOU DON'T PULL DOWN EIGHT FIGURES A YEAR

WITHOUT HAVING IT TOGETHER.

YOU DON'T HAVE IT TOGETHER, NICK.

YOU STICK PENNIES UP YOUR ASS FOR CONFIDENCE.

THAT'S NOT HAVING IT TOGETHER !

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME ?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.

IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

YOU HAVE ANY CHANGE IN YOUR POCKET ?

WHY ?

TAKE IT OUT.

WHY ?

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT IT.

OH, MY.

YOU'VE GOT A FEW PENNIESIN THERE, DON'T YOU ?

I'VE BEEN STICKING 30 DOLLARSIN PENNIES UP MY ASS

FOR THE PAST ELEVEN YEARS.

THAT'S 3,000 PENNIES A DAY,

21,000 PENNIES A WEEK.

ONE MILLION NINETY-TWO THOUSAND PENNIES A YEAR.

TO DATE, THAT'S 12 MILLION,12 THOUSAND PENNIES.

EIGHT TIMES THE POPULATIONOF NEBRASKA !

THOSE PENNIES WERE IN MY ASS !

YOU THINK YOU'REBETTER THAN ME ?

YOU'RE NOT BETTER THAN ME.

YOU HANDLE MY ASS PENNIES EVERY DAY.

YOU PICK UP MY ASS PENNIESFOR GOOD LUCK.

YOU THROW MY ASS PENNIESIN FOUNTAINS

AND MAKE WISHES ON THEM.

YOU GIVE MY ASS PENNIESTO YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER

TO BUYGUMBALLS WITH.

YOU HANDLE MY ASS PENNIESEVERY DAY !

ALL OF YOU !

YOU ALL HANDLEMY ASS PENNIES !

OH, I LAUGH AT YOU BEFORE YOU CAN LAUGH AT ME,

BECAUSE YOUR PENNIESHAVE BEEN IN MY ASS.

You hear me ?

EXCUSE ME ?

WHY ARE YOU BARGING INTO MY OFFICE ?

I'M SORRY.

I'M LOOK FOR AN ARCHITECTURAL FIRM.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT THIS ADDRESS.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW.

OH, YOU MUST BEMS. MICHAELS.

WELCOME, COME ON IN.

WELCOME TO HENLEY ARCHITECTURE.

HI, THERE.

HI.

HAVE A SEAT,CAN I GET YOU SOME COFFEE ?

YEAH, OKAY, THAT WILL BE GREAT.

SOME TEA, SOFT DRINK ?

COFFEE, COFFEE'S GREAT.

SOME WATER ?

COFFEE.

GREAT.WELL, HAVE A SEAT.

LET'S GET DOWN TO THIS INTERVIEW.

BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO THE INTERVIEW,

CAN I ASK WHY WE'RE MEETING IN THE WOODS ?

MS. MICHAELS,THE WOODS,

THIS IS NOT THE WOODS.

THIS BUILDING EMBODIES OURENTIRE ARCHITECTURAL PHILOSOPHY.

HERE AT HENLEY ARCHITECTURE, WE BELIEVE--

OW !

WHAT IS THAT PHILOSOPHY EXACTLY ?

HAVE A SEAT, MS. MICHAELS.

THERE'S NO CHAIR.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED,BUT THERE'S NOT A SECOND CHAIR.

EXACTLY.

YOU SEE, HERE AT HENLEY ARCHITECTURE

WE LIKE TO INTEGRATE THESURROUNDINGS OF THE BUILDING

INTO THE BUILDING.

SEE, IT GIVES IT MOREOF A NATURAL FEEL.

OKAY, I'M FAMILIAR WITH SOME SIMILAR IDEAS.

PEOPLE LIKEFRANK LLOYD WRIGHT.

COWARDS.

EXCUSE ME ?

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR RESUME, MS. MICHAELS.

WE'LL SEE IF YOU'RE READY FOR OUR COMPANY.

YOU SURE YOU DON'TWANT ANY COFFEE ?

I'D LOVE SOME.

GREAT.

SO IS THERE A NAME FOR THIS KIND OF ARCHITECTURE ?

HYPERMINIMALISM.

HYPERMINIMALISM ?

YES, HAVE A SEAT.

THERE'S NO CHAIR.

UNFORTUNATELY BY LOOKINGAT YOUR RESUME, MS. MICHAELS,

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS,

BUT YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY

EXPERIENCE IN OURTYPE OF ARCHITECTURE.

WE DO PAY OUR EMPLOYEESA SIX FIGURE SALARY,SO WE EXPECT--

A SIX FIGURE SALARY ?

OH, YES.

OH, I SEE.

WELL IT'S TRUE THAT I DON'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE

IN HYPERMINIMALISM PER SAY,

BUT I AM INTRIGUED BY YOUR PHILOSOPHY

AND A REALLYQUICK LEARNER.

IN FACT, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER BEEN

IN A HYPERMINIMALIST BUILDING.

FAIR ENOUGH.

MAYBE I CAN GIVE YOU A TOUR OF THE BUILDING

AND THAT WILL GIVE YOUA BETTER IDEA.

WE'RE AGAINST THE IDEA OF WALLS.

WALLS ARE OPPRESSIVE.

YES, THEY ARE,RESTRICTIVE, YEAH.

THIS IS OUR EMPLOYEE CAFETERIA,SEATS FIVE HUNDRED.

OH, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE ?

SURE.

GREAT.

GOOD MORNING, MR. ABERCROMBE.

THAT'S KIRKWOOD.

SHE JUST MADE THE COVER OF"ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST"

WITH HER HYPERMINIMALISTWORKOUT AREAS.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

AS YOU CAN SEE, WE PUT THESEIN FOR THE HANDICAPPED.

AND DUE TO FIRE REGULATIONS,

WE WERE FORCED TO PUT THIS IN LAST MINUTE.

THAT'S WHY IT LOOKS SO AWKWARD.

I DISAGREE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S AN EYESORE,IT LOOKS VERY NICE.

THANK YOU, MS. MICHAELS,THAT WAS MY DESIGN.

WELL, KUDOSTO YOU.

IF WE WERE TO HIRE YOU,MS. MICHAELS,

THIS WOULD BE YOUR OFFICE.

THIS IS THE WESTWARD VIEWWE'RE SO PROUD OF.

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS YOUR DESK.

THIS IS MY DESK ?

WELCOME TO THE FIRM, MS. MICHAELS.

I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT YOU.

WHO KNOWS, MAYBE ONE DAY

YOU'LL BE AWARDEDONE OF THESE.

WELL, I CERTAINLYHOPE SO, SIR.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

A LOT OF YOU FOLKS DON'T KNOWWHAT POWER MARKETING IS.

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THIS:BY THE END OF THIS EVENING,

YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO DOEVERYTHING LEGALLY POSSIBLE

TO GET INVOLVED IN IT.

NOW EIGHT YEARS AGO, I WEIGHED 500 POUNDS.

I WAS GETTING REALLY HIGH EVERY DAY.

AND I WAS WASHING MY DISHESIN THE BATHTUB.

BUT THANKS TO POWER MARKETING,TWO YEARS LATER,

I OWN MYSELF A MANSION,

I GOT A SUMMER HOME IN MAINE.

I GOT AN AWESOME BOAT.

I GOT A JET PACK.

AND I GOT A SWEET LOOKING WIFE.

AND I GOT AN ENTERTAINMENT CENTER

WITH A WHOLE HECK OF A LOTOF CDs AND LASER DISKS

AND BOOKS I'LL NEVER USE.

NOW ALL THIS MATERIAL STUFFDOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY.

ALTHOUGH, YOU'VE NEVER SEENANYTHING LIKE THAT BOAT OF MINE.

NO, IT'S MY NEW BRAINTHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

MY NEW BRAIN THAT IS POWERFUL,

EXPLOSIVE, AND A REAL COMPETITOR.

I KNOW SOME OF YOU MIGHT BETHINKING, "OKAY, DUKE,

YOU'LL FULL OF BOLOGNA SAUSAGE".

I'D UNDERSTAND YOUR SKEPTICISM,

IF THERE WEREN'TMILLIONS OF PEOPLE OUT THERE

WHO CHANGED THEIR LIFE THROUGH POWER MARKETING,

BUT THERE ARE.

PEOPLE LIKE MANUTE BOL.

RICHARD KIEL.

ANDRE GIANT.

THE TITTE BROTHERS.

AND MY NEXT GUEST,

FORMER SPACE SHUTTLE ASTRONAUT,

LIEUTENANT MIKE BIRCHWOOD !

HOW'S YOUR NEW BRAIN, MIKE ?

DYNAMITE, BUDDY.

AS DUKE MENTIONED, I'M A HUGEFAN OF POWER MARKETING.

IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

YOU SEE, IT WAS A REAL POWER TRIP FOR ME

BEING UP THERE IN SPACE FOR A MONTH

INSIDE AN EIGHT BILLION DOLLARSPACESHIP.

WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY, FOLKS.

AND EVERY DAY AFTER I FINISHEDMY SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS,

I WOULD LOOK DOWNON MY FORMER PLANET

AND I WOULD GET A HARD-ON.

A BIG HARD-ON.

BUT ONCE I GOT BACK TO EARTH,

MY HARD-ON WENT AWAY PRETTY QUICK.

I STARTED GETTING HIGH ALL THE TIME.

I WEIGHED 500 POUNDS.

I WAS WASHING MY DISHESTHE BATHTUB...

BUT THEN A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE NAMED DUKE

DID ME A HUGE FAVOR.

HE TURNED ME ON TO POWER MARKETING AND GAVE ME A NEW BRAIN.

MY LIFE CHANGED INSTANTLY.

NOW I'VE GOT A NEW BOAT,

A SWEET LOOKING WIFE,

AND EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUTHOW GREAT MY LIFE IS,

I GET A BIG HARD-ON.

HE GOT A HARD-ON.

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