Week of 8/20/12 - Stamos, Gottfried, Maron, Peters

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 08/21/2012

Gilbert Gottfried, Marc Maron and Russell Peters discuss bunghole tattoos; John Stamos fields some Friendly Fire at home; Jeff roasts the paparazzi.

DON'T GO TOO FAR.

[APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO "THE BURN."

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YES!

"THE BURN."

THIS IS A SHOW KANYE CALLED THE

PERFECT BITCH.

[LAUGHTER]

AS USUAL, I'D LIKE TO START OUT

WITH BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS.

THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE, USAIN

BOLT TURNS 26.173 YEARS OLD

TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

HE'S A GREAT MAN.

SHOWS US WHAT ALL JAMAICANS

COULD DO IF THEY WEREN'T SO

LAZY.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE MOST JAMAICANS, HE ONLY

WORKS 10 SECONDS A DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN CALL HIM THE FASTEST MAN

ON THE PLANET.

OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX

WITH ME.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USAIN BOLT.

NOW WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO

TALKING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS FOR

ANOTHER FOUR YEARS.

MY NEXT BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT GOES

TO ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED

FIGURES, MR. HILLARY CLINTON.

[LAUGHTER]

BUBBA TURNS 66 THIS WEEK.

HE MADE A WISH, BLEW OUT THE

CANDLES.

WHEN HE OPENED HIS EYES, HILLARY

WAS STILL BREATHING.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S AT AN AGE NOW WHEN HE HAS

TO GET UP THREE TO FOUR TIMES IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE FLIGHT JUST TO

JERK OFF IN THE SINK.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE BILL.

HE'S VEGAN NOW.

HE AVOIDS DAIRY AFTER NEVER

PASSING UP A COW.

NOW, ON TO A DIFFERENT GROUP OF

PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED

NEAR A CAMERA.

THE PAPARAZZI.

THEY'RE ALWAYS COMING AFTER MY

FAMOUS FRIENDS, SO I DECIDED TO

BEAT THEM TO THE PUNCH.

THEY'RE THIS WEEK'S PUBLIC

ENEMY.

WATCH!

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> GOOD EVENING.

BLOOD SUCKERS, BEWARE!

LOOK AT THIS TRASH ON THE

STREET!

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT YOU GUYS.

YOU PAPARAZZI, YOUR KARMA IS SO

BAD, YOUR NEXT LIVES, YOU'RE

GOING TO COME BACK AS

YOURSELVES.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

YOU OKAY?

STOP TAKING PICTURES AND START

TAKING THE STAIRS, YOU FAT

[BLEEP].

LOOK AT YOU!

WOW!

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS TELL YOUR

FRIENDS YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

YOU GUYS PUT THE DI IN PRINCESS

DI.

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MAKE SURE

CHARIOT.

THIS IS THE ROASTER COASTER.

GET USED TO IT.

>> ARE YOU IN THE SPECIAL

OLYMPICS OR SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER]

>> I THINK TOM SIZEMORE TOLD THE

PAPARAZZI.

>> I NEVER HEARD ANYBODY SLUR

AND STUTTER AT THE SAME TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT THE TOUGHEST

PICTURE IS TO GET IN THE WORLD?

>> WHAT?

>> YOU GUYS WITH A DATE.

OH, LOOK, AN ASIAN PHOTOGRAPHER.

SHOCKER.

YOU PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR

MORE BAD PICTURES THAN TYLER

PERRY.

>> YOU SHOULD BE THE NEXT JUDGE

ON "AMERICAN IDOL."

>> YOU SHOULD BE THE NEXT GUY TO

TAKE A BATH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HEY, BUDDY.

>> NICE SUNDAY MORNING.

BOB SAGET?

BOB SAGET IS HERE.

YOU'RE SHOOTING A PILOT, RIGHT?

YOU'RE SHOOTING YOUR [BLEEP] ON

THAT iPHONE?

TAKE MY NUMBER OUT OF THAT

iPHONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> EVERYBODY SAYS YOU'RE GAY.

SORT OF DEFLATE THOSE RUMORS.

YOU DO HAIR SPRAY, CHICAGO AND

GLEE?

>> I DO WHAT I CAN.

>> I LOVE WHEN YOU SING ON THE

SHOW.

>> WE COULD USE YOU ON GLEE BUT

WE ALREADY HAVE A HANDICAP

PERSON ON THERE.

>> SO FAR I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.

>> YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.

YOU WARM HANDS.

I LOVE YOU ON GLEE.

WHAT IS YOUR VOCAL RANGE?

NINE INCHES?

[LAUGHTER]

>> HERE.

>> YEAH.

>> PROTECTING YOU.

>> THE ORIGINAL SIGN FROM

DISNEYLAND.

>> THE D.

WAS THAT YOUR GRADE IN ACTING

CLASS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> I HAD NO IDEA.

I PUT IT BEHIND MY HOUSE.

YOU COULD SEE THIS BIG DID FOR

DICK HEAD.

>> YOU HANG IT OVER YOUR BED AND

TELL GIRLS IT'S A SMALL WORLD

AFTER ALL?

[LAUGHTER]

>> SO FAR [BLEEP].

A COUPLE GOOD SHOWS.

THE D ABOVE MY BED IS FUNNY.

NEVER WATCHED "FULL HOUSE"

BECAUSE I WAS MOLESTED BY MY

UNCLE JESSE.

THAT WASN'T FUNN

THE GOPEE ALL OVER MY FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, MAN.

>> GILBERT, ARE YOU SHRINKING?

[LAUGHTER]

>> GILBERT, YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE

A LESBIAN.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> I WAS HOSTING THE JODY FOSTER

FILM FESTIVAL.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE

WORLD, ED?

>> SO YOU KNOW, SAUDI ARABIA

WOMEN ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HANG

OUT WITH MEN UNTIL THEY'RE

MARRIED.

NOW SAUDI ARABIA IS BUILDING A

WHOLE CITY FOR THEM TO GO WORK

IN JUST SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO

EVER SEE MEN.

>> WOW.

>> WE DON'T HAVE ANY WOMEN HERE

BUT MARK, YOU'RE A WHINEY BITCH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> IS THAT FUNNY, GILBERT?

>> THIS IS AN ENTIRE TOWN THAT

WON'T [BLEEP] ME.

>> YEAH.

AT LEAST YOU WON'T SEE THEIR

FACES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I'M KIDDING!

NO TOWN WILL [BLEEP] ME.

>> GILBERT, FIRST OF ALL, YOU

HAVE A WIFE AND BEAUTIFUL

A PLAY CALLED "THE BEST MAN."

I THINK HE PLAY AS BRIDESMAID.

I HAVE SOME AWESOME GUESTS THIS

WEEK.

YOU KNOW RUSSELL PETERS, GILBERT

GOTTFRIED.

LOOK AT THIS CREW HERE.

A SHEIK, A GEEK AND A FREAK.

>> I WOULD LIKE A DATE WITH ONE

OF THE TWO-HEADED GIRLS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> LET'S GET STARTED WITH SOME

ELECTION NEWS, I TAKE IT.

>> MITT ROMNEY IS TRAILING IN

THE POLLS.

LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOCK UP THE

PORN VOTE.

HE GOT AN ENDORSEMENT FROM JENNA

JAMESON.

>> THAT'S BIG.

>> SHE SUCKS.

>> THIS IS HER CHANCE TO SCREW

THE COUNTRY AT ONCE.

>> MARK, IF YOU WERE A

CELEBRITY, WHO WOULD YOU

ENDORSE?

>> THAT'S VERY CLEVER.

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME ANSWER YOUR QUESTION.

ARE THEY GOING TO FINISH THE SET

SOON OR --

[LAUGHTER]

SERIOUSLY.

WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO FINISH

WHATEVER THE [BLEEP] THIS IS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> WAIT A SECOND.

>> WHAT?

>> YOUR RECORD A PODCAST IN YOUR

[BLEEP] GARAGE.

>> I KNOW.

APPARENTLY YOU MODELED YOUR SET

AFTER IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN IMPROVE

YOUR PODCAST IN YOUR GARAGE?

SHUT THE DOOR AND TURN THE

ENGINE OF YOUR CAR ON.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH!

>> HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH JENNA

JAMESON?

>> I'D HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

THAT'S HOW --

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S A TRUE AMERICAN.

HER HAIR IS RED, HER SKIN IS

WHITE AND HER VAGINA IS BLACK

AND BLUE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SO GLAD YOU'RE COMING OUT OF

YOUR SHELL, GILBERT.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

SHE HAS A LOT OF PENISES.

>> THANKS FOR --

>> THAT EXPLAINS IT.

>> WHAT IS IT?

THE IMPACT?

>> THE IMPACT.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU MEAN LIKE THE BANGING?

>> THE BANGING.

THE BANGING --

>> SURE.

YEAH.

>> RUSSELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF

JENNA JAMESON ENDORSING MITT

ROMNEY?

YOU'RE NOT AN AMERICAN, BUT WE

CAN STILL ASK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DEPENDS ON HOW MANY OTHER

PORN STARS GET BEHIND HER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> JENNA JAMESON

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