St. Marks

  • Season 2, Ep 10
  • 03/18/2015

The girls head to St. Marks Place to celebrate Ilana's birthday in style, but their plans are derailed by a series of small crises.

(Ilana)Ab, $12.99 is sucha splurge for wine.

You're spoiling me.

(Abbi)Don't, it's your birthday, dude.

You deservea bottle, not a box.

I made a reservationand everything

and I cannot wait for youto open up this b-day gift.

Oh, I'm dying.It's so good.

I don't know.

23 is such a nothing birthday,though, you know, like...


22, you graduatecollege.

21, you're suddenlyallowed to be an alcoholic.

20, you lose your virginity.Right.

19's your lastteen year.

18, you get to vote.

17, you getto drive.

16's your sweet 16,15's your quinceañera.

See?I guess.

23 was pretty great for me,I mean, it's the year I met you.


(both screaming)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my...

Tree man.Oh, my damn God.

Every time he gets me,every time.

He needs a little bell.

Or like, a personal trianglehe's playing all the time.

He could causea heart attack.

For real, though,this wine,

this like, pricey,high-class wine

is setting upyour entire year.

If we weren't going tothis BYOB, I mean,

this would belike, 30 bucks.

I know,I love a "byob".

I love a "byof"--Bring Your Own Food,

or a "byos"-- Bring YourOwn Silverware.

I'd wash the dishesif they'd let me.

This is the exactopposite reason why

restaurants existat all.

I mean, why notjust eat at home?

I don't have a table.

(man)You girls are so pretty.

You should smile.

♪ Four and threeand two and one-one ♪♪

Oh, yum.Oh, my God.

You can get as manydumplings as you want, okay?

Oh, my God!Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!Wow!

Yo, girlfriends.

Hey...Long time, no freakin' see.

Look at you two!

Couple ofMadonnas, huh?

Oh, gosh,so fashion, baby.

(woman)I love that!

How are you guys?Yeah.

(woman)When was the last timewe saw you?

I think it was atour show...

Yeah....with Elliott.

It was our show choir show.Yeah.



It was a long time ago.

Can I ask you,do you live in New York

or did you move,because you never respond

to any of my Facebook,uh, invites.

I get so confusedon Facebook.

Me too!Like, how it works.

What are all the numbersand the things?

I know!I don't know what they go with.

It's kind of change--it changes fast, the interface.

I'm afraid to click it.Yes.

You know, I'm actually,I'm really kind of sad

that you guys missedmy last solo performance.


We're so sorrythat that happened.

We don't even knowyou guys that well.

Honestly, Chris, I feel like youshould give them some of it.

You should showthem a little bit.

Give them a littlepiece, a taste.

Oh, you don'thave to do that.

You don't have to.We're at dinner.

I was born the daythe Challenger exploded.

(woman)Honey, no.

No, no, no.

Do the ending,do the climax.

Do "Dear Uncle".

Um, please suspendyour sense of disbelief, uh,

as the lighting here is notgood and it's not a theater,

but all the worldis a stage.

Here we go.

No, Uncle,please, don't!

Okay, so he is on stage,he's fully naked,

and he's maximum erect.

Uncle, please,don't do it, Uncle!

Okay, he's standing on ashredded American flag,

little pieces.

Uncle, Uncle Sam!

He ejaculates!(moaning)

Into the flag.


That's the twist.

It's a bit of a statement.Yeah.

It's like, about currencyand politics and government

and all that.

Um, we can pushyour tables together

and then maybe you can talka little bit quieter.

(whispering)No, please don't.

(woman)Excuse me, sir.

That's a great idea!


Here we go.Here we go.

Beep, beep, beep.

Honk-honk, honk-honk.

Beep, beep, beep.


This is a good group.

Oh, my...Holy (bleep).

What the heck?

What the (bleep)?

I'm such a klutz,we have to go.

Now we gotta go,is what... it is.

We gotta...We have to go.

Gotta go, we gotta go.Oh, my God.

I can't be out.

I can't be outlike this.

We have to go, that's...sorry, everybody.

I should go homeright now.

This is nevergonna come out!

Let's go.Let's do it.

Here we go.

Wait, you can't leavewith an open container.


We will not do that.

You guys know wineis heart healthy, so...

Mm-hmm, and...Here we go.

Just do that.



Oh...Oh, my God.

You have a good--

California,I can tell.

You have a goodrest of your night.


Bye, you guys.See you guys.

I'm sorry,but they are too much.


(doorbell chiming)

Can I help you?

A guy just ran in here.

We were chasing him'cause he stole my gift.

He stole my bag.Call the police.

He stole it rightout of my hand.

He's in here,he's in your house.

Please, come in.

Okay, uh...


Can you pleasecome down here?


That boy lives here?

Boy?He's 34 years old.

I had him whenI was very young.



Jesus Christ.

What, mother?

Can you explain yourself?

Did you just steal somethingfrom these girls?

Yeah, it wasa (bleep) joke.

Chill out.

You chill out!

Chill out!

And gettheir stuff now.



I'm sorry.

Please,don't press charges.

No, it's gonna...It's all right.

Ever since he dropped out ofgrad school, he's, uh,

he's given mea lot of grief.

I don't know what to do-- throwhim out, put him on the street.

He'd love that.

I'm so rude.

Uh, would you...


Would you, uh,like a drink?

No, no, no.It's fine.

It's a soft gift,so it's okay.


What is wrongwith you?

I don't know, Mom.Why don't you tell me?

You're the psychiatrist.

Or do I need to makean appointment?

Maybe you should.

But you can't afford mebecause you don't work.

You love this,don't you?

You think I like this?

My only son.

Having to lieto my friends about

what my son doeswith his life?

He's a loser,loser, loser,

loser, loser, loser,loser, loser life.


Right, 'cause youhave to lie about me

but not about anything in yourperfect little life.

Not about the wine,the painkillers,

my father.

Do I look like the sonof a quarterback?

I will...

I never askedto be born!

Let metell you something.

I'm a very good mother,it's just sometimes...

you get a dud!

A (bleep) dud!

(Abbi)I'm just going to grab...

I'm sorry your sonsucks so hard.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We're good, we're good,thanks so much.

Thank you so much.

Have a great night.Appreciate it.

You look beautiful,and come back and see me.

Will you come back and see me?Yes.