Nashville

  • 08/20/2013

Lewis and Clark explore the dangerous west, Dolly Parton has to leave the man who made her famous. Guest starring Tony Hale, Aubrey Plaza, Jack McBrayer and more.

SHE'S GOTTA GOAND DO HER OWN THING.

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOWHOW TO TELL HIM.

SO SHE DECIDES...- I GOTTA WRITE A SONG.

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW--WHEN YOU'RE DOLLY PARTON,

THAT'S HOW YOU EXPRESSYOURSELF.

- SHE SITS HIM DOWN,AND SHE SINGS TO HIM.

- I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU...

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

- FACT...

IT'S PROBABLY THE MOSTBEAUTIFUL SONG

THAT'S EVER BEEN WRITTEN.

AND IF YOU--IF YOU LISTEN TO THAT SONG,

IN THE COURSE OF THAT SONGSHE MAKES THIS PROMISE

TO PORTER WAGONER...

- I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

- AND HE SAYS...

- THAT IS THE MOSTBEAUTIFUL THING

I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

THAT'S THE BEST SONGYOU'VE EVER WRITTEN.

OF COURSE YOU CAN GO.

- [laughs]THIS IS SO FUN.

THIS IS THE MOST FUNI'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

I'M GONNA LITERALLY INSTAGRAMTHIS [bleep] RIGHT NOW.

WHERE'S MY PHONE?

SHE GOES TO NEW YORK CITY,

AND SHE WALKED STRAIGHT INTOTHE "ARSEAY" OFFICES.

- YEAH, IT'S ME, DOLLY PARTON.

HERE'S WHAT'S ABOUTTO HAPPEN.

I'M LEAVING THE PORTER WAGONER SHOW.

I'M GETTING BRAND NEWPRODUCERS,

I WILL BE BRIDGINGCOUNTRY MUSIC AND POP.

I'M GONNA BE IN MOVIES.

ARE YOU IN, OR ARE YOU OUT?

BACK ME OR BACK THE [bleep] OFF.

- AND THEY'RE ALL, LIKE...- COOL, WE'RE IN.

- YEAH. ABSOLUTELY, WE'RE IN.

- YEAH, YOU'RE--YEAH,YOU'RE [bleep] DOLLY PARTON.

- YEAH, GREAT.LET'S DO THIS [bleep].

- AND SHE DOES EXACTLY WHATSHE SAID SHE WOULD DO

TO THOSE "ARSEAY" EXECUTIVES.

SHE STARTS RECORDINGPOP MUSIC.

AND PORTER WAGONER--

PORTER...WAGONER...ONLY THOUGHT ABOUT HIMSELF.

PORTER WAGONERSUES DOLLY PARTON.

HE BASICALLY SAYS...- I WANT 15% OF WHAT YOU DID,

I WANT 15% OF WHATYOU'RE DOING,

AND I WANT 15%OF WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

- AND DOLLY PARTON IS LIKE...- [bleep]!

PORTER WAGONER,JUST CHILL.

CHILL OUT, MAN!

- SO SHE'S LIKE...- LET'S SETTLE OUT OF COURT.

- AND WAGONER'S LIKE...- COOL, I'LL TAKE $1 MILLION.

I'D LIKE $1 MILLION.

- WHAT DOES SHE DO NEXT?

UM, ONLY MAKESHER FIRST MOVIE.

DOLLY PARTON IS MAKING 9 TO 5.

SHE'S MAKING BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS.

SHE'S CRUSHING IT.

PORTER WAGONER,DURING THIS TIME,

HE'S OFF BLOWING MONEY.

HE'S GIVING JEWELRY OUT TO THEWOMEN AND [bleep] LIKE CRAZY.

HE BUYS A [bleep] ORANGE GROVE!

HE OWES THE IRS $500,000.

BUT DOLLY PARTON MADE A PROMISETO PORTER WAGONER

THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYSLOVE HIM.

AND SHE DID...

IN WHICH CLARENCE DARROWASKED SCIENTISTS TO EXPLAIN

THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION.

BUT THE JUDGEIN THE SCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

WAS JOHN RAULSTON,AND HE BELIEVED...

- I HAVE BEEN CALLED ONBY GOD

TO BE THE JUDGEIN THIS CASE.

SO I DON'T CARE WHAT ALLTHESE SCIENTISTS HAVE TO SAY.

THEY CAN'T GIVE TESTIMONY.

- SO CLARENCE DARROW DECIDED...

- OKAY, ALL OF MY WITNESSES,THEY CAN'T GIVE TESTIMONY,

SO I'LL ASK SOMEONEWHO'S AN EXPERT ON THE BIBLE

TO GIVE THE TESTIMONY.

HEY...

[laughs]WHAT WAS YOUR NAME? BRYAN.

I KNOW YOU'RE ONTHE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CASE,

BUT WHY DON'T YOU GOON THE WITNESS STAND,

AND I'LL QUESTION YOUABOUT THE BIBLE.

- NOW, WILLIAMS JENNING BRYANWAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

HE WAS, LIKE...- OH, MY GOD.

I'M GONNA DESTROY YOUAS A WITNESS.

I WILL GOON THE WITNESS STAND.

- NOW, THE JUDGE DIDN'T WANT HIMTO DO THIS.

THE JUDGE WAS PRESI--PRESIDENTIAL.

[laughs]

[laughing]

WHEN CLARENCE DARROW PUTSWILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN

ON THE BIBLE, HE ASKS...

- DO YOU BELIEVE ALL THE STORIESOF THE BIBLE LITERALLY?

- AND THE FIRST ANSWEROF WILLIAMS JENNING BRYAN IS...

- YES. THE BIBLE IS LITERAL.I BELIEVE IN IT LITERALLY.

- AND THEN, ASKING HIMSPECIFIC QUESTIONS...

- WHERE DID CAIN'S WIFECOME FROM?

HE MADE ADAM AND EVE,AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN

THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE,AND CAIN FINDS A WIFE.

WHERE DID--WHERE DID CAIN'S WIFE COME FROM?

- WILLIAMS JENNING BRYANGETS FLUSTERED AND SAYS...

- WELL, I--I LEAVE THATUP TO YOU AGNOSTICS TO FIND OUT.

- THAT'S ALL CLARENCE DARROWNEEDED.

- SO YOU'RE NOT INTERPRETINGTHE BIBLE LITERALLY.

AND HE GOES ON TO DESTROY

WILLIAMS JENNINGS BRYANON FACTS.

- GREAT.ARE YOU STILL SPINNING,

OR HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- WELL, I'M...

- I'M DIZZY.- MM-HMM.

- I FEEL WEIRD.

I FEEL LIKE I THINK I KNOWWHERE I'M GOING, AND THEN...

- I GET UTTERLY CONFUSEDABOUT...

- WHERE I THOUGHTI WAS GOING.

I KNOW...[laughs]

I'M GONNA GET FACEBOOKRESPONSES FOR THIS.

- THIS WAS THE COMPLETEDESTRUCTION

OF WILLIAMS JENNING BRYAN.

AND WILLIAMS JENNING BRYANLOOKS LIKE A FOOL.

BUT WILLIAMS JENNING BRYANKNOWS...

- I HAVE THE MOST AMAZINGCLOSING ARGUMENT TO MAKE.

TODAY WE'RE GONNA TALKABOUT LEWIS AND CLARK.

- SO THOMAS JEFFERSONWAS PRESIDENT.

HE'S, LIKE, YEAH,I'M GONNA TAKE--

I'M GONNA DOUBLE THE EXPANSEOF AMERICA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S OUT THERE.- YEAH.

- I HAVE NO IDEA.- WELL, WHAT IS OUT THERE?

- I'M GONNA BUY IT.I'M GONNA BUY IT.

SO HE BOUGHT IT, AND THEN HE HADTHIS DUDE WHO WAS HIS FRIEND

NAMED...- MERIWETHER LEWIS

- JEFFERSON IS TELLING THEM...- WE BOUGHT THIS LAND.

EXPLORE IT.MAKE ME A MAP.

HERE'S YOUR DEAL.

- LIKE A BANK, MAKE FRIENDSWITH THE [bleep] INDIANS.

- HERE'S THE DEALWITH MERIWETHER LEWIS, THOUGH...

HE WAS SUCH A BUMMER--- [belches]

- HE WAS SUCH A BUMMER.- HE WAS SUCH A BUMMER.

SO LEWIS IS TASKEDWITH PICKING A PARTNER,

AND HE PICKED CLARK.

UH, LEWIS SAYS, LIKE...

- THERE'S NO ONEI WOULD RATHER EXPLORE

THIS [bleep] UP TERRITORY WITHTHAN YOU.

THEY WANTED TO FINDA WATERWAY PASSAGE

TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

SO THEY STARTEDIN MISSOURI.

- THEY'RE SEEING THESEBEAUTIFUL [bleep]...

- LIKE, VALLEYS AND RIVERSAND MOUNTAINS

AND GORGEOUS ROCK FACESAND VALLEYS,

AND THESE CRAZY PLAINSTHAT GO ON FOREVER.

- AND THERE THEY [bleep] ARE.

SO THEY WERE, LIKE...- WE'RE--THIS IS OURS NOW

BECAUSE WE BOUGHT ITFROM THE [bleep] FRENCH.

- SO THEY'RE ON THE RIVER,AND THEY HEAR...

- THE NEXT TRIBE OVERARE [bleep]!

- THEY'RE--DUDE.THEY'RE TOTAL DICKS.

I REMEMBER THIS, YEAH.

- THE LAKOTA INDRIANSSAW LEWIS AND CLARK,

AND THEY WERE READYTO KILL THEM.

THEY WERE, LIKE...

- WE'RE GONNA [bleep]YOUR [bleep] UP.

- SO THEY WERE, LIKE...- OH, WE MIGHT NEED

TO BE DICKS ABOUT THIS.

- THE CHIEF OF THE LAKOTA TRIBESEES THAT IT'S ABOUT TO BE

A STAB-ON-STAB BRAWLAT THE RIVERBANK,

AND HE SAYS...- EVERYONE CHILL OUT.

CHILL OUT.YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUYS CAN STAY, AS LONG ASTHE WOMEN AND CHILDREN

COME AND LOOK AT YOU.

- EWW, THAT'S CREEPY.

- THEY WERE ABLE TO STAYWITH THE LAKOTA TRIBE

FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS.[tribal music]

AND SO EACHOF LEWIS AND CLARK'S MEN

GOT, LIKE, FOUR WIVES.- YEAH, THEY WERE, LIKE...

LATER DAYS,I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THESE--

- LIKE, HOOKERS.- ALL THE HOOKER WIVES.

- AND SURE ENOUGH,EVERYONE ON THE EXPEDITION,

THEY GOT [bleep]CRAZY STDs.

- CRAZY VD.AND LEWIS...

HE WOULD HAVE TO GIVE THEMA MERCURY TONIC.

- MERCURY ON YOUR GENITALS!COME ON!

- IT'S CRAZY-POISONOUS!

- I DON'T MEAN TO,LIKE, COMPLAIN,

BUT THAT SOUNDS AWFUL.

- THEY'D GONE 1,000 MILES.

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