True Hollywood Stories: Prince & Red Balls Energy Drink

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 02/18/2004

Negrodamus answers questions, and Charlie Murphy plays basketball with Prince.

- HOW WAS WORK TODAY, CHARLES?

- OH, SAME OLD, SAME OLD.

ACCOUNTING'S COMPLAINING ABOUTUS MISLEADING THE STOCKHOLDERS

AND BLOWINGTHE EMPLOYEE PENSIONS AND--

WHAT A BUNCH OF BABIES.

I MEAN, COME ON, THIS ISBUSINESS, PEOPLE, RIGHT?

AND SPEAKING OF BUSINESS, YEAH?

[growls]

SATCHCO, TAKE A POWDER.

AND YOU.

- [screams]

- [growls]- [meows]

- SNUGGLE BUNNY!

- [laughs]

- GET ON THE GROUND!

- [screaming]

[dog panting]

- SHUT THATFUCKING DOG UP!

[gunshot]

GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!

STOP RESISTING, SIR!

[phone ringing]

- NIGGA, I SAID STOPCALLING HERE, ALL RIGHT?

I'M BAGGING UP THE COKE UPAS FAST AS I CAN!

- I'M DETECTIVECHARLES STEVENS

FROM THE DADE COUNTYPOLICE DEPARTMENT.

I'VE GOT A WARRANT HEREFOR YOUR ARREST.

- A WARRANT?

- CHARGE IS COCAINE TRAFFICKING,

AND, UM, FRANKLY,

I'M AFRAID I DON'T KNOWHOW TO HANDLE IT.

- OH, MAN, WE GOT TOBE CAREFUL WITH THIS.

WE DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASSSOMEBODY LIKE ME

IN FRONT OF MY FAMILYAND MY COMMUNITY.

I TELL YOU WHAT,

I'LL COME IN AND TURN MYSELF INAROUND THURSDAY, OKAY?

- IS 1:00 GOOD FOR YOU?

- OH, NO,THAT'S NO GOOD FOR ME.

I'VE GOT SOME TRIMCOMING AT 12:00.

I'LL TURN MYSELF IN,SAY, BETWEEN

2:00 AND 6:00?

- THANK YOU SO VERY MUCHFOR YOUR HELP AND, AGAIN,

I'M SORRY FORTHE INCONVENIENCE.

- OH, NO PROBLEM.

ONE LOVE.

- UH, YEAH.I LOVE YOU TOO.

- SO WHAT AM ICHARGED WITH?

- YEAH, LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW,YOU LITTLE BITCH.

- [coughing]

COULD YOU DO MEA FAVOR AND NOT SMOKE?

I'M ALLERGIC.

- OH, HEY,I'M SORRY, CHUCK.

WHY DON'T I DO YOU A FAVOR ANDPUT IT OUT THERE FOR YOU, HUH?

- [screaming]

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,YOU PIECE OF CRAP!

I WANT ANSWERS, PUNK!

- [whimpers]

I WANT TO TALKTO MY LAWYER!

- HE WANTS TO TALKTO HIS LAWYER.

- LEGAL AID, YOU'RE ON.

- SORRY, YOU'RE, LIKE,MY 14TH CASE THIS WEEK.

SOMEBODY TAKE A PISS IN HERE?

- IT WAS ME!

I PEED.

[timid elevator music]

[timid elevator music]

- I WOULD LIKETO COMPLIMENT YOU GENTLEMEN

ON A VERY CLASSY,BALLER-ASS SPREAD

WITH CHEESES THAT I'VENEVER EVEN SEEN BEFORE.

AND MY APOLOGIESFOR BEING LATE,

BUT I GOT CAUGHT UPWITH SOME POONANY.

[laughs]

- WELL, SO,IT'S LIKE I SAID,

WE DON'T WANT TO MAKEA BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS THING.

YOU'RE A COCAINE DEALER,

BUT YOU'VE DONE A LOTOF GOOD FOR THE COMMUNITY.

- OH, I KNOW, MAN.

ON THANKSGIVING,I BE PASSING TURKEYS OUT

LIKE NINO BROWN, BABY.

- BUT, SERIOUSLY,WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

HOW ABOUT YOU TESTIFYBEFORE A SENATE COMMITTEE

AND SPEND

TWO MONTHS AT CLUB FED?

- WHEN I GET OUT,

CAN I STILL TRAFFIC ROCKSTO THE COMMUNITY?

- ABSOLUTELY NOT!

- YOU'RE RIGHT.SELLING ROCKS WOULD BE WRONG.

[laughs]

JAIL'S THE SHIT!

- ANYWAY,HE POINTS THE GUN AT US,

AND HE TELLS HIS DOGTO SIC US.

IT WAS AT THAT POINTTHAT I FIRED UPON THE CANINE

AND WE WERE ABLETO SUBDUE MR. JEFFRIES.

UPON FURTHER SEARCHOF THE MANSION,

WE WERE ABLETO LOCATE THIS:

PURE COLOMBIAN HEROIN.

- YEAH, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOUR HONOR,

I DON'T KNOWWHO'S HEROIN THAT IS,

BUT IT CERTAINLYISN'T MINE.

- THEN HIS WIFE THREWHER TITTIES IN MY HAND.

IT WAS WEIRD, YOUR HONOR.

- YOU GRABBEDHER TITTIES!

I SAW YOU!

- BEFORE I SENTENCE YOU,

IS THERE ANYTHINGYOU'D LIKE TO SAY?

- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL--

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU'RE THE WORST KIND OF SCUM

ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

YOU'RE AN ANIMAL.

A FILTHY,BIG-LIPPED BEAST.

I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATETHE JURY OF YOUR PEERS

FOR REACHINGA VERDICT SO QUICKLY.

TEN MINUTESIS A NEW COURT RECORD.

ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS WILL BESEIZED IMMEDIATELY BY THE COURT,

AND YOU WILL RECEIVETHE MANDATORY MINIMUM

OF LIFE IN PRISON.

PLENTY OF TIME TO LIFT WEIGHTS

AND CONVERT TO ISLAM.

NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT,YOU FUCK.

- SIR, IS IT TRUE YOU WEREA CRACK COCAINE DEALER

FOR SEVEN YEARS?

- I PLEAD THE FIFTH.

- SIR, WILL YOU TELL US ABOUTTHE CARTELS YOU DEALT WITH

IN YOUR TIMEAS A CRACK COCAINE DEALER?

- UM, NO, BUT I CAN TELL YOU

THAT I PLEAD THE FIZZIFTH.

- EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEYDID YOU EARN

IN YOUR TIMEAS A CRACK COCAINE DEALER?

- ♪ THERE

♪ ARE

♪ I SAID,THERE ARE ♪

♪ SO MANY AMENDMENTS

♪ IN THE CONSTITUTION

♪ OF THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA ♪

♪ I CAN ONLY CHOOSE ONE

[glass whistling]

♪ I CAN ONLY CHOOSE

♪ ONE

♪ I PLEAD THE FIFTH

♪ I PLEADTHE FIFTH ♪

♪ FIVE

♪ ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,FIFTH ♪

♪ ANYTHING YOU SAY,FIFTH ♪

♪ GO AHEAD,ASK ME A QUESTION ♪

- DID YOU--

- ♪ FIFTH

SIR, I HAVE A SECRET DOCUMENTTHAT I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE.

♪ FIFTH

- THAT WILL BE ALL, SIR.GOOD AFTERNOON.

- I GOT YOUR SENTENCEREDUCED TO A MONTH, BUDDY.

- OH!

[laughs]

- FOR CENTURIES,PEOPLE HAVE TURNED TO ONE MAN

FOR THE ANSWER TO LIFE'SGREAT MYSTERIES.

THAT MAN IS NEGRODAMUS.

- YOU, SIR.

- NEGRODAMUS,

WILL ARSENIO HALLEVER HAVE ANOTHER SHOW?

- YES, ARSENIO HALLWILL GET ANOTHER SHOW.

IT WILL BE CALLED

GOOD MORNING, BLACK AMERICA.

IT WILL BE SHOWN AT NOONTHROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH,NEGRODAMUS.

- NEXT.

- [with French accent]NEGRODAMUS,

HELLO FROM FRANCE.

- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGERWILL DIVORCE HIS WIFE

AND MARRYSHIRLEY TEMPLE BLACK.

AND SHE WILL BE

MRS. SHIRLEY TEMPLEBLACK-NEGGER.

YOU, SIR.

- NEGRODAMUS,

UH, WHY DO WHITE PEOPLELOVE WAYNE BRADY SO MUCH?

- WHITE PEOPLELOVE WAYNE BRADY

BECAUSE HE MAKES

BRYANT GUMBELLOOK LIKE MALCOLM X.

announcer: FOR CENTURIES,PEOPLE HAVE TURNED TO ONE MAN

FOR THE ANSWER TO LIFE'SGREAT MYSTERIES.

THAT MANIS NEGRODAMUS.

- I CAN RECALL ANOTHER ONE,LIKE, IN, YOU KNOW-

I THINK IT WAS IN '85, LIKE,

WHEN ALL THAT ANDROGYNOUS SHITWAS GOING ON,

AND WHAT WAS WILD WAS THAT

THE GUY WHO LOOKEDTHE MOST LIKE A BITCH

WAS GETTING ALL THE WOMEN.

EVEN I HAD IT--THE JERRY CURL WAS COMING OUT,

AND I HAD MY SHIT SLICKEDTO THE SIDE AND ALL THAT.

IF YOU WEARING BAGGY SHIT NOWAND YOU ACTING HARD,

IF YOU FROM L.A.,

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WAS WEARINGSOME STRANGE SHIT.

WE IN THE CLUB.

WE GETTING OUR GROOVE ON,SHAKING IT UP,

AND PRINCE CAME IN THERE.

THAT'S WHEN PURPLE RAIN CAME OUT,

AND PRINCE WAS THE SHIT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PRINCE HAD ON, LIKE, A--

IT WAS LIKEA ZORRO-TYPE OUTFIT.

IT HAD THE RUFFLESTHAT COME DOWN THE FRONT.

HE HAD THE BIG PERMFLUFFED OUT AND ALL THAT.

AND THE MUSTACHE, YOU KNOW,JUST DRAWN ON HIS FACE.

AND IT LOOKED LIKE SOMETHINGTHAT A FIGURE SKATER WOULD WEAR,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND HE WASWITH HIS WHOLE CREW,

AND HE HAD THIS OTHER CATNAMED MICKEY FREE,

AND MICKEY FREE WAS, LIKE,THE NEW CAT IN SHALAMAR

THAT,WHEN HE JOINED THE GROUP,

I HEARD MAD CATS, LIKE,

"YO, SHALAMAR GOTTHIS NEW GIRL IN THERE.

MAN, THAT BITCH FINELIKE A MOTHERFUCKER."

THEY WAS TALKING ABOUTMICKEY FREE, OKAY?

MICKEY FREE IS NOT A GIRL,ALL RIGHT?

THEY CAME OVERWHERE WE WAS AT.

PRINCE STARTED TALKINGTO MY BROTHER.

- HELLO, EDDIE MURPHY.

- PRINCE, WHAT'S UP?

- I'M A BIG FANOF YOUR COMEDIES.

- OOH, THAT'S HOT, PRINCE.

- WOULD YOU LIKETO COME TO MY HOUSE

AND LISTENTO SOME MUSIC?

- OOH, THAT'S COOL.

FRUITY, GET THE CAR.

- ASSEMBLE YOUR CREW.

I'LL BE OUTSIDE.

- WE WENT UP THERE.

WE GET THERE.HE PUTS THE TRACKS ON.

THE TRACKS ARE SLAMMING,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND WE'RE LISTENINGTO THE MUSIC AND EVERYTHING.

GROOVING AT THE CRIB.

HE HAD GIRLS OVER THERE.

HE HAD A NICE ENVIRONMENT.IT WAS TIGHT.

- THIS BORES ME.

IS ANYONE UPFOR A GAME OF BASKETBALL?

- [laughs]

- HOW ABOUTYOU AND YOUR FRIENDS

VERSUS MEAND THE REVOLUTION?

- [laughs]

SO I WAS LIKE, "THIS NIGGAMUST BE JOKING, MAN."

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GOINGWITH THIS AND SHIT.

BUT HE WAS DEAD SERIOUS.

HE HAD HIS, UH,HELPER OR WHATEVER

GO AND GET SOME, LIKE,SHORTS AND SNEAKERS

AND GAVE THEM TO US.

AND LAUGHING, I'M LIKE,

"THIS IS GONNA BE SOMEFUNNY-ASS SHIT."

SO THEY COME OUT, RIGHT?

AND I LOOK AT THEM,AND, UM,

THEY STILL GOT ON THE SAME SHITTHEY WAS WEARING AT THE CLUB.

IT WAS WILD, AND I WAS LIKE,

"I KNOW THEY AIN'T THINKINGABOUT PLAYING BALL IN THAT,"

BUT THEY WERE.

I SAID, "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?"

YOU KNOW WHAT WE'REGONNA CALL THIS?

THE SHIRTSAGAINST THE BLOUSES.

[laughter]

AND WHEN I SAID THAT,THIS LOOK CAME ON HIS FACE.

HE ICE GRILLED ME.

AND I'M LOOKING BACK AT HIM,THINKING TO MYSELF,

YOU KNOW,"WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY ABOUT?

"I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHEREYOU GOT THAT SHIRT FROM,

AND IT DAMN SURE WASN'TTHE MEN'S DEPARTMENT."

I MEAN, I KIND OFLEARNED SOMETHING THAT DAY:

DON'T NEVER JUDGEA BOOK BY ITS COVER.

THIS CAT COULD BALL, MAN.

- PLAY BALL.

HE WAS CROSSING CATS LIKE ICE.

CROSSED ME UP.

MADE MY KNEESSLAM TOGETHER.

HE WAS GETTING REBOUNDSLIKE CHARLES BARKLEY.

SNATCHING IT DOWN!

- SHOOT THE "J."

SHOOT IT!

LET'S RUN A PLAY.COMPUTER BLUE.

DARLING PICKY.

OWW!

- THEY WAS KIND OF SETTINGTHESE FRUITY PICKS, MAN,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, YOU'D BETRYING TO CHECK PRINCE,

AND THEN YOU GO THIS CATSTANDING BEHIND YOU,

AND HE'S GETTING CLOSE TO YOU,

AND HIS HANDSIS OUT LIKE THIS.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANTTO BE BENT OVER

IN FRONT OF A CAT LIKE THAT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PRINCE WAS INCREDIBLE!

PRINCE, YOU GOT A TOWEL, MAN?

IT'S KIND OF HOTOUT HERE, MAN.

- WHY DON'T YOU PURIFYYOURSELF IN THE WATERS

OF LAKE MINNETONKA.

GOOD.

IN YOUR FACE,CHARLIE MURPHY.

GOOD.

GOOD HUSTLE.[slap]

- YO, MAN,I'M NOT ON YOUR TEAM.

- I MEAN, IT WASN'T EVENLIKE IT WAS CLOSE.

IT WAS A LANDSLIDE VICTORY.

- GAME.

BLOUSES.

- I WAS THERE.I SEEN IT.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

YOU THINKI'M MAKING IT UP?

YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO,UH, YOU KNOW,

ENHANCE THE STORYBECAUSE I'M INVOLVED?

OR TRYING TO GIVE MYSELFAN EXCUSE FOR LOSING

BECAUSE I'M TELLING YOUA STORY ABOUT PRINCE?

I DARE YOU TO CHALLENGE PRINCETO A GAME OF BALL ONE-ON-ONE.

CHALLENGE HIM!

A'IGHT?

AND MAKE SURE YOUR PEOPLEIS THERE TO SEE THE GAME.

'CAUSE YOU MIGHT GETEMBARRASSED.

TRUST ME.

- ALL RIGHT, HE BEATYOU IN BASKETBALL,

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

- AFTER IT WAS ALL OVER,

HE TOOK US IN THE HOUSEAND SERVED US PANCAKES.

PANCAKES.

WELL,I GOT TO ADMIT, UM,

IT WAS A GOOD GAME.

- I WISH I COULD SAYTHE SAME FOR YOU

AND YOUR CREW OF FLUNKIES.

DO YOU GUYSWANT SOME GRAPES?

- I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S SOME GREAT STORYTELLERS

IN THE WORLDTHAT WE LIVE IN TODAY, MAN.

- BITCHES.

- WHO THE FUCKCAN MAKE UP THAT SHIT?

[cheers and applause]

MY NAME'S TYRONE BIGGUMS.

SOMETIMES,THE ENDLESS PURSUIT OF CRACK

LEAVES ME TIRED AND DEPLETED.

BUT NOW COCAINE COMESIN A DELICIOUS SHAKE.

RED BALLS!

IT GIVES ME WINGS!

[sighs]

MMM, HUMMINA, HUMMINA,HUMMINA, HUMMINA!

- MY BABY!

I LEFT MY BABYIN THE CAR!

[baby crying]

[radar beeping]

- OH, MY GOD!

[Bionic Man shimmer]

F.Y.I., PEOPLE STILLDO STEAL RADIOS, HON.

HOW DO YOU THINKI GOT THIS SUIT?

[Bionic Man shimmer]

THAT RED BALL'S GOT ME!

AHH!

[radar beeping]

[Bionic Man shimmer]

- MAYDAY, MAYDAY.

WE HAVE A CRACKHEADLIFTING UP THE BUS.

MUST BE RED BALL.

- I LOVE THIS DRINK!

THANK YOU, RED BALLS.

EXCUSE ME, JAILER.

PARDON ME.

MIGHT I HAVEA RED BALLS, PLEASE?

SHAZAM!

[screams]

[Bionic Man shimmer]

RED BALLS.COCAINE IN A CAN, BABY!

I CAN GET SOME MONEYFOR THIS.

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