Non-Stop Dance Party

  • Season 2, Ep 10
  • 11/07/2014

Adam hosts stand-up from Joe Pera, Thomas Dale and Rell Battle and absolutely refuses to stop partying.

- OH!LOOK WHO IT IS.

YOU MADE IT.WELCOME TO MY PARTY.

COME ON IN.

- I BROUGHT YOUSOME CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

- OKAY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?- HEY, AIDEN. GREAT PARTY.

HUGE FAN.- IT'S ADAM.

IT'S DEFINITELY ADAM.

- THIS DOES NOT LOOKAS HORRIBLE AS I EXPECTED.

- WHY WOULD YOU THINKIT'S HORRIBLE?

IT'S A PARTY.

I'M EXCITEDABOUT EVERYONE'S--OKAY.

- THANKS, ADAM.- WHOOP. EH, GOT IT.

AND I GOT IT.ALL RIGHT.

all: HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

- OH, OKAY, GET YOU SOME, GIRL.

- HEY, ADAM.ADAM!

- YEAH.- HEY, COMEDY CENTRAL, MAN.

- OH, SHIT.

- MY EYES!

- EH, YOU OKAY?IT'S BURNING YOUR EYES?

HERE, PUT MY SUNGLASSES ON.

ACTUALLY, THE MOREI THINK ABOUT IT,

THE MORE I NEED THOSEFOR MY EYES,

BUT YOU CAN GO AHEADAND GET YOUR OWN SUNGLASSES.

OH, HEY, YO, JOE!JOE!

LET'S GET THIS SHOW SHARTED!AM I RIGHT?

"SHARTED" IS A THINGTHAT I SAY NOW. IT'S FUNNY.

IT'S WHEN YOUSHIT YOUR PANTS.

SHARTED!OKAY, EXCUSE ME.

DAMN, LOOK AT THEM.

OKAY, HEY.THE CROWD IS HOT, MY MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL IT.

COME ON.

JOE!

OKAY, TOOTIE, RI-RI, HEY, COULDYOU GUYS FOLLOW ME REAL QUICK?

[electronic music]

YOU ALWAYS KNOW IT'S GOINGTO BE A REAL WILD SHOW

WHEN YOU'RE INTRODUCEDAS A "MOTHER[bleep]."

LAST SUMMER...

I WAS EMPLOYED AS AN INTERN.

AND I LEARNEDTHAT BEING AN INTERN

IS A LOT LIKEBEING A FOSTER CHILD...

BECAUSE THEY CAREABOUT YOUR DEVELOPMENT...

BUT NOT REALLY.

ON MY LAST DAY OF WORK,

MY BOSS WAS NICE ENOUGHTO TAKE ME OUT FOR LUNCH.

LOOKINGAT THE MENU PRICES, THOUGH,

ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT

WERE FOUR MONTHSOF UNPAID LABOR.

WOULD I LIKE AVOCADOON MY SALAD

FOR AN ADDITIONAL DOLLAR?

YEAH.

[laughter]

MY--MY SEX MOVE OF CHOICE

IS CALLED THE "MAPLE SYRUP."

IT'S WHEN,AFTER MAKING LOVE TO A GIRL,

YOU LET HER FALLPEACEFULLY ASLEEP...

AND YOU LEAVE.

[laughter]

YOU GO OUTSIDE TO THE WOODSBEHIND YOUR HOUSE,

AND YOU GATHERTHE BUCKETS OF MAPLE SAP

THAT'S BEEN COLLECTINGFROM THE TREES.

YOU THEN BRING IT INSIDE

AND BOIL IT DOWN ON THE STOVE,

EXTRACTING THE HARD SUGARS.

THEN THE NEXT MORNING

YOU SERVE IT TO HEROVER A HOT STACK

OF BUTTERMILK PANCAKES.

IT'S A LOT OF WORK, BUT...

IT'S WORTH IT.

OH, MARON.HEY, BOO-BOO.

OH.I CAN'T.

I SOUND LIKE THIS'CAUSE I'M FROM NEW YORK,

SO JUST DEAL WITH ME.

OH, GOD.I'M GAY ALSO. UGH!

OH, GOD, RIGHT?

I CAN'T EVEN DEALWITH IT ANYMORE.

I'M GLAD EVERYBODY ELSEIS TRYING TO GET USED TO IT.

I GOT TO FRICKIN'--I HEAR PEOPLE--

THEY'RE LIKE,"OH, IT'S WEIRD WHEN I SEE

TWO GUYS HOLDING HANDS."

YEAH? I GOT TO HOLDHIS [bleep] HAND.

HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?OKAY?

IT'S WEIRD FOR ME TOO.OH, MARON.

OOH, I LOVE STRAIGHT BOYS,THOUGH.

OOH, I LOVE THEM!

OOH, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THEM!I WANT TO PINCH YOUR FACE!

RAWR!I LOVE YOU!

[laughter]OH, THEY'RE SO CUTE.

I LOVE THEM. AND THEN THEY PLAYFANTASY FOOTBALL.

AW.

IT'S NOT REAL.

IT'S MAKE-BELIEVE!

THEY'RE LIKE, "I HAVETO GET HOME FOR MY DRAFT."

NO, YOU DON'T.

THERE IS NO DRAFT.[laughing]

THEY'RE LIKE, "I'M GONNA GETPEYTON MANNING THIS YEAR."

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE, LIKE, CRAZY.

I LOVE THEM.

OH.AND THEY LOVE YOU GIRLS.

OH, THEY LOVE YOU GIRLS.

I'M SO FRICKIN' JEALOUS.I SWEAR. THEY DO.

SEE, I LOVE GIRLS TOO,

BUT, LIKE, I LOVE GIRLSIN A NORMAL WAY.

LIKE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR DREAMSAND YOUR OPINIONS.

NOT THESE STRAIGHT BOYS--

THEY DON'T GIVE A SHITABOUT YOUR IDEAS. THEY DON'T.

THEY JUST WANT TO GET YOU NAKEDAND HANG YOU UPSIDE DOWN

AND BEND YOU OVERTHE KITCHEN COUNTER.

WHY?SANDWICHES GO THERE.

[laughter]

I HAVE TO PUT BREAD THEREIN THE MORNING.

I DON'T WANT VAGINAON MY SANDWICH.

I'M GLUTEN-FREE.

I'M JUST TRYINGTO LOVE MYSELF, YOU KNOW?

- AAH.

TROMBONE SHORTY!YEAH!

COOL, COOL HAIR.

YO, RELL.- YO, ADAM!

- YEAH!- WHAT'S UP, PLAYBOY?

HEY, MAN, THIS IS THE DOPESTPARTY I'VE EVER SEEN, MAN.

- YEAH, IT IS SICK. IT IS SICK,BUT THE NETWORK'S HERE,

SO WE GOT TO GET YOU TO DOYOUR SET, MY BROTHER.

AND I'M NOT SAYING THATBECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK.

SO I WANT YOU TO KNOWTHAT I AM NOT A RACIST PERSON.

- NAH, MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT?I'M GONNA SIT HERE,

I'M GONNA GET DRUNK, ANDI'M GONNA DANCE WITH SAVANNAH.

- YEAH, I'M GONNA NEED THAT.I'M GONNA NEED THIS.

YOU SHOULD NEVER,EVER WEAR THAT.

HEY. GUESS WHAT I FORGOT TO TELLYOU ABOUT EARLIER.

AN ORGY...IN THE BASEMENT.

A FULL-ON, ANYWHERE-WHERE-YOU-CAN-FIT-IN,

JUST-STUFF-IT-IN-THERE-TYPEORGY.

AND IT'S LIKE,I GOT TO BLINDFOLD YOU

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE SOME EYES WIDE SHUT TYPE STUFF.

YOU CAN BRING SAVANNAH.SHE LOOKS LIKE A FREAK.

- YES, SHE IS.- RIGHT?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

SAVANNAH, YOU JUSTPUT THAT ON HIM.

WE GONNA GET FREAKY.- OKAY.

OKAY, WE'RE GOING DOWNSTAIRS?- YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING DOWNSTAIRS.- ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

- HEY, FOLLOW ME, GUYS- ALL RIGHT. NOT SO TIGHT.

- YOU GUYS WANT TO COME?- NO!

NOBODY WANTS TO GO, DUDE.- THE ANSWER'S NO.

SHUT YOUR FAT HEAD UP, DUDE.

- OKAY, I'VE ACTUALLY BEENDIETING A LOT LATELY, SO...

- THERE'S STILL A COMEDY SHOWHAPPENING.

- IS IT A SKETCH SHOW?- I DON'T KNOW.

- I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE, A...- THE CONCEPT IS...

[cheers and applause]

YOU GOT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR GANG.

I DON'T FIGHT, MAN.I CAN'T DO THAT.

I'M SCARED TO GO TO JAIL.THAT'S WHY I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT.

YOU SEE THIS FRAME, LADIES?

THIS AIN'T THE PROPER FRAMEFOR JAIL.

PEOPLE IN JAILGET SO MUCH NOW.

PEOPLE IN JAIL GET CABLE TV,ICE CREAM THURSDAYS,

CASUAL FRIDAYS.

MY COUSIN'S TAKINGSWIMMING LESSONS IN JAIL.

LEARNING HOW TO SWIM IN JAIL.

I CAN'T SWIM NOW.

I'M LIKE, "MIKE, YOU HAVETWO LIFE SENTENCES,

"NO CHANCE OF PAROLE.

"WHEN ARE YOU GONNA MAKE ITTO THE BEACH?

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?"

PEOPLE IN JAIL ARE GETTINGCOLLEGE EDUCATIONS IN JAIL NOW.

SO IT'LL GET TO THE POINTWHERE THE PRISON GUARD'S

GONNA COME TO THE CELL.

"UH, PRISONER, UH, 4493486,

I'M GONNA NEED YOUTO STEP ON OUT OF YOUR CELL."

"SIR!

THAT'S 'DR. 4493486.'"

PEOPLE IN JAIL ALWAYS WANTTO CALL YOU AND GIVE YOU ADVICE

WHEN THEY IN JAILAND SHIT.

"HEY, BROTHER, UH, LISTEN,

"I WAS READING...

"IN JAIL.

"BETTER PUT THAT PORK DOWN.

"NO, THEY SAYHIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

IS THE NUMBER-ONE KILLERIN OUR COMMUNITY."

ASSHOLE, YOU'RE THE NUMBER-ONEKILLER IN OUR COMMUNITY.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY YOU IN JAIL!

HIGH BLOOD PRESSUREAIN'T GOT NOTHING