• Season 1, Ep 5
  • 02/11/2016

While the mansion is being fumigated, Billie and Gene have a sleepover that quickly turns raucous.

Hey, there.- Nope.

- Grandma Billie,is that you?

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't a nurse be loweringyou into an Epsom salt bath?

- Yeah. Yes, if by "a nurse,"you mean a hot dude,

and by "Epsom salt bath,"

you mean a really bigEpsom salt bath.


- Nice comeback,Betty White.

- Oh, more likeBetty What?

'Cause you're not evencool to me anymore.

- Pfft.Got her.

Got her in the club.

Nailed her.Not in the good way.

- Excuse me?

- She's--what she's saying

is you look like old Barbie dolldoo-doo, okay?

- [chuckles]- Okay, bay-bay?

- Okay, well,you look like ice-capade puke.

- Ladies, brought ussome Klein coolers.

Well,they're just wine coolers,

but I bought 'em,so technically, that's right.

- No, this is not the time,New Chet, okay?

We're in the middleof a catfight.

- Well,then let the dog handle it.

Dance off!

In this corner...


- Yeah![all cheering]

- Oh, my God, Billie.

That was so fresh,it was unreal.

- She fell like John Travoltain "Saturday Night Fever."

- To John Travolta!

- Travolta!

[dance music]

- Whoo!

- Whoo!



- Klein,you look like Maleficent.

- Who?

- You do.- From the movie "Maleficent."

- Ohh!

- Ooh!

That's my phone.

Not even looking.

- Oh!

- Ah!

Got it.

Up, up!

- Ahh!

Best night of my life!Best night of my life!

Oh! Oh!


- [babbling]

- Shoe.- [grunts]

- Yeah, I'm upby the Russell house.

- Ahh!

- Yeah, you're gonna wantto send an ambulance this time.

They look really bath-salty.

- Ta-ta-gow-tow-tow.

[dog barking]- Hush, Muffins.


- [speaking gibberish]

- Gene,you cannot be in here, okay?

It is dangerous.

- You know what my responseis to that?

- [coughs]Fine. Stay in here.

Great slumber party,by the way.

It worked out really well.

You'll probably die,but enjoy.

- Well, it would'veturned out well-er

if you weren'tsuch a killjoy.

It's likeyou murdered the maid.

You get it? 'Cause Joy's--- Yeah.

both: The maid.

- Killjoy.

God, do you everhave any fun?

- Getting out of here.- Go ahead.

Walk away, Grandma.

- What did you just call me?

- Grand...ma.

Or is your hearing going?

And that's your name,isn't it?

- You know my nameis just Billie.

- "Oh, hi, I'm Billie.

"I like to domy Asian newspaper puzzles

and complain abouthow good music used to be."

- Stop it.That's not me.

- "Oh, hi, I'm Billie.

"Ooh, I get the shiversevery time

"someone takes my blanketoff of my wheelchaired legs.

Oh, hi, I'm Billie!"

- Stop introducing me!

- "Hi, I'm Billie,

"or you could just call meDrew Barrymore,

'cause I ain't neverbeen kissed."


That was so goodand so mean.

[classic rock music]

That was my mid back,

which is oneof my most sensitive spots,

and you know that.

- What are you gonnado with that?

- Take this, you piece of S.

- Stay there.- Why?

- You've been coned.

- Grandma!- What are you doing?

- [laughing]

[both screaming]

- Get off of me!- [muttering]

- I don't have a keyfor the lock!


[beeping]- What was that?

- What?My ankle monitor's off.

O.M. gosh, you know what thatmeans, right? We're going out.

- We have to callyour caseworker.

- What?- We're not going out.

- Billie, please.

I've been stuck in the housefor 20 days now.

- Way longer than that.

- 20 days!

We're going out.

- I'll tell.

- What?

- If you leave,I'll tell.

- Aren't you tiredof killing the fun, Billie?

You're tired of it.

It's Friday night.- Sunday.

- It's Sunday night,Billie.

[Southern accent] And I may notbe a religious person,

but I believe it was Godwho turned my ankle monitor off.

- You're notfrom the South.

- There's a reason.

"The reason is you,"to quote Hoobastank.

This is your chance.

Your chance, Billie,to prove to everyone

that you're notthat lame little grandma

that Deborah Denisesaid that you were.

And to quote someonein class yesterday,

"She who commands the futureconquers the past."

- I-I didn't say that.

- Didn't you?- I don't think so.

- Didn't you say that?- Mm, nope.

- Nope.You know what?

I ordered Chinese food.It was on a fortune cookie.

Cookie makes sense though,right?