The girls go to a fancy restaurant for Abbi's 26th birthday, but the evening quickly sours after Abbi pees out a condom and Ilana reveals that she has a shellfish allergy.
It isa local puréed chard
that is topped with poached crab
and then splashed witha really yummy ramp dressing.
I love yummy ramps.
Oh, I love, um, chards.
We like tosay here that ramp
is the truffleof onions.
(chuckles)It's a dumb little joke.
(together)We like to say that, too.
Now have you guysbeen to Octavia before?
No, we arepoppin' our cherry.
Well, you just let medo the driving.
I'm gonnatake excellent care
of you guystonight.
je m'appelle John,and bonne anniversaire.
Oh, thank you.
He's talland he's bilingual?
I'm short and I can'tspeak English good.
He probably hasa French press
and one of those thingsthat in the bathroom
you cleanyour butthole with.
Oh, a bidet.A bidet.
(sighs)He's so classy.
You're bad-mouthing meto Anton now?
You cannotfind one minute
to go pick my sister upat the airport?
Tell her fatass to flag down a cab
like a person.
My sister isan ex-junkie, John, okay?
She needs someone topick her up,
she can't be unsupervised.Jesus Christ,she's a grown woman.
She can't be babysather whole life, Cheryl.
Well, thank you so muchfor the support.
Support? Tell her to giveback the laptop she stole.
She never stole that!
You have no proof that she--Are you kidding me?
You need to wake up.What? You're crazy.
I don't know that she gaveus bedbugs for sure,
but I'mpretty damn positive.
This is why I wantedyou to go to Al Anon.
Salmon, we got onion rings,we got a gumbo.
How's the steak doing?
No, don't, I'm not fancy,I'm disgusting.
I went to the bathroom,and then--
and then I wasgoing to the bathroom,
and then a condomfell out of me.
Did you pee itor poop it?
I peed it.
Why'd you immediatelygo there?
I didn't poopit, dude.
Hey, it's 2014.
Anal's on the menu.
I can't even believe that,like, I didn't notice it.
I was, like, very present,you know?
I don't know howhe didn't notice it.
It happensto everybody.
Has it happened to you?No.
(sighs)Everything I've donehas happened to you.
Not yet is whatI meant to say.
So what? You're a nastybitch, who cares?
All right.(sighs)Let's go get high,
and then we can enjoy thisclams Filipino even more.
Okay.That's a good idea.
Hi, would you mindmaking sure
they don'ttake those clams?
You know, I know you'rein your head, but...
this birthdayis a maje improvement
from last year's.
(inhales)Yeah, well,I shouldn't have tried
to throw myselfa surprise party.
You should have tried.It was a mistake.
Want a hit?
Thanks for the food.
I don't preparethe food.
I just, uh,clear the plates.
Yeah, but... you know.
You know what I've beenthinking about?
from every moviewe've loved as a kid,
Think about it.Air Bud: dead.
All 101 Dalmatiansare probably dead.
I guess Babefrom "Babe" is dead.
Ooh, we could haveeaten Babe tonight.
Well, maybe not.
Pigs live longerthan dogs.
I think they might livelonger than humans?
I thinkthat's turtles.
Tramp, from"Lady and the Tramp."
Tramp's a cartoon.
I know that.
She was for real.I know that it was a cartoon.
Uh, I gotta go,but thanks.
Hey, and I know youdidn't make the food,
but you will one day.
You know, that Tramp wasmy first sexual crush.
He was hot. He was likea spunky bad boy.
You know whowas mine? Stimpy.
Stimpy from"Ren and Stimpy"?
Yeah, I feel like he hasa similar build to Lincoln.
(slurred)Yeah, this is pretty bad.
But honestly,I know my limit.
I'm just pacing myselffor that lava cake.
Okay, you've absolutelyreached the limit.
Your face looks likethe underbelly of a tugboat.
Listen, we are here
celebratingyour birthday, okay?
Yeah, and for mybirthday
I would lovefor you to stay alive.
Abbi, I am a veteranof this game.
I got three tothree and a half servings
of shellfish left in me.I feel it.
And then my throat'sgonna start to close up
and you'll just stab mewith an epi pen.
It's not a big deal.
Where am I gettingan epi pen?
From my clutch.Durr!
So you planned on having mestab you with an epi pen?
(more slurred)You know, stop tryingto change the subject.
What did Doug say to youon the phone?
Okay, so,it turns out that, um,
he wasn't wearinga condom last night.
It had to have beenthe condom
from the other nightwith boring Ben,
which means that...
there was a condomin my person for four days.
Normally,I would be overjoyed
that you had sextwice in one week.
Okay, I could have swornthat he was--
You could havesworn what?
Not only are wetalking STDs here,
I can't even imaginehow many dudes
would love to lock you downwith an unexpected pregnancy.
I mean,what do you think--
All right,the Alaskan king crab stew.
And I do hopeyou ladies enjoy it.
Thank youso much, John.
I mean, your bodyis a temple.
(slurping)You've got to respect it.
Ilana, stop,that's enough.
No, enough.Hey, two more bites.It is so expensive.
Ilana, stop eating--okay.
We're not doing thisanymore.
No, one more,one more.
Come on,take this pen.Hey!
No, no!Ilana, take the pen.
Aah! God!(diners groan)
I stabbed myself.(gasps)
I juststabbed myself!
I... could actuallytake that pen.(wheeze)
I feel so aliveright now!
What's going on?
Ilana,I got you, girl.
It's my birthday,I'm the king of the world!
We'll take those twomolten lava cakes to go.