Powdered Doughnuts Make Me Go Nuts

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 10/12/2010

A wheelchair-bound cat likes to party, a car runs on "human fuel," and Lady Gaga's brother Garry shares his sister's fashion sense.

DIED,

SHE LEFT HER ENTIRE ESTATE TO HER CAT, MR. STITCHES.

HER SON EDMOND,

DISTRAUGHT FROM BEING LEFT OUT OF THE WILL,

DECIDED TO TAKE ACTIONS INTO HIS OWN HANDS.

( snorting )

( tires squeal )

( meowing )

POLICE LISTED IT AS AN UNSOLVED HIT AND RUN.

( machine beeping )

DOCTORS WERE ABLE TO SAVE MR. STITCHES,

BUT THE ACCIDENT LEFT HIM PARALYZED BELOW THE WAIST.

THE HOSPITAL BILL ATE UP ALL OF HIS $10 MILLION INHERITANCE,

FORCING MR. STITCHES TO BECOME "WHEELCHAIR CAT."

♪ IS THIS MY LIFE?

♪ ARE THESE MY WORDS OR IS THERE SOMEONE ♪

♪ TALKING THROUGH ME?

♪ IS THIS MY LIFE?

♪ ARE THESE MY DREAMS

♪ OR SCENES FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MOVIE? ♪

♪ SHOULDN'T TAKE FOR GRANTED THAT YOU GET A SECOND CHANCE ♪

♪ AT ALL.

( hip hop playing )

Computerized voice: BOTTLE SERVICE.

RIGHT AWAY, SIR.

UM, WE REALLY CAN'TAFFORD THAT.

YOU PUT THAT CHECK FROM DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS

IN MY ACCOUNT, RIGHT? WE'LL BE FINE.

OH, NO, HERE COMES EDMOND.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT TOOL. I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM.

EXCUSE ME.GET OUT OF MY WAY, PLEASE.

YEAH, FASTER. THANKS.

- HELLO, EDMOND.- HEY, MR. STITCHES.

HOW'S REHAB?

I WENT BECAUSE I GOT RUN OVER.

IT'S DIFFERENT THAN THE REHAB YOU GO TO,

ROBERT DOWNEY SYNDROME.

WHAT-EV.

I SEE YOU'REENJOYING MY MONEY.

IT WAS YOUR MOTHER'S MONEY.

AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE HURTING.

I'M NOT.I MARRIED KIMBERLY SNAPPLEOF THE BEVERAGE FAMILY.

IT'S PRETTY GREAT. I JUSTDRINK A LOT OF FREE SNAPPLE

AND I GET TO NAMEMY OWN FLAVOR.

WHERE IS KIMBERLY?

- SWEETIE, SHOULD I JOIN YOU?- NO!

CONGRATS, EDMOND. SHE LOOKS LIKE E.T. WITH H.I.V.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS,YOU STUPID ( bleep ) PUSSY?

SECURITY.

KITTY WANT TO GET HURT?

'CAUSE KITTY GONNA GET HURT!KITTY GONNA GET HURT!

- KITTY GONNA GET HURT!- ( glass breaks )

LOOK WHAT FELLOUT OF HIS POCKET.

GIVE IT TO ME.

I'LL TAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM AND, UH...

ERR... FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET.

COME ON, YOU'REGOING TO SNORT IT.

YOU EVEN TYPED IN "UH, ERR"WHILE YOU WERE THINKINGOF AN EXCUSE.

GIVE ME THE BAG, WOMAN, OR I WILL CUT YOU.

OKAY.

POWDERED DOUGHNUTS MAKE ME GO NUTS.

FOLLOW THE FLOUR SNOW "O"s.

WE TALK TO LADY GAGA'S BROTHER, OFFICER GARRY GAGA.

- AHH.- HEY, GAGA.

HOW YOU DOIN', RICHIE?

I'M GARRY GAGA,OLDER BROTHER OF POP SINGER,POP STAR LADY GAGA.

UH, YOU KNOW, WE HADA PRETTY NORMAL CHILDHOODGROWIN' UP IN JERSEY.

YOU KNOW, MY LIFE'S PRETTY MUCH THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF LADY GAGA'S.

SHE'S THE QUEEN OF POP

AND I'M-- I'M A MEAN OLD COP.

HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY, MA'AM?

I GOT YOU GOING 42IN A SCHOOL ZONE.

STOP SELLING THE ECSTASY,RICKY!

ANYWAY, THIS IS THE HATI GOT ON TODAY.

YOU KNOW, WHAT CAN I SAY?HEY, I'M A GAGA.

THE GUYS ON THE FORCE ARE USED TO IT. THEY RESPECT IT.

THEY KNOW I'M A GAGA AND THAT IT'S PART OF ME.

HEY, COME HERE!MOTHER-- ( bleep )

GOD DAMN IT!

( bleep )

STAY DOWN!

YOU BROKE MY ( bleep ) SWAN!

THIS IS MY FAVORITE HAT!

( bleep )

I NEED BACKUP OVER HEREOFF MAIN STREET.

THIS GUY BROKE MY SWAN.

YOU GOTTA GET OVER HERE, MAN.I'M GONNA ( bleep )KILL THIS GUY.

Garry: I WORK WITH A GOOD GROUP OF GUYS.

YEAH, FOR SURE.

- I NEED HELP WITH MY CROWN.- OH, YEAH, FOR SURE.

YOU KNOW, I DO ALL MY OWN HAIR AND MAKEUP.

AND I MADE THIS.

THIS IS AN ORIGINAL GARRYRIGHT HERE ON MY HEAD.

HOW ABOUT THAT?I SENT A PICTURE OF IT TO LADY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, GARRY,WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU MAKE ME LOOK BAD."BUT NO, SERIOUSLY.

DID HE HIT YOU?

IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME,IS IT?

LOOK AT ME. HEY.

WE'LL GET THIS SCUMBAG,OKAY?

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.WATCH THE HAT.

GARRY GAGA OVER HERE IN JERSEY FIGHTING CRIME.

IF YOU NEED TO GET OUT OFA PARKING TICKET, LET ME KNOW.

OR IF YOU NEEDA CLUB REMIX OF "PAPARAZZI,"

LET ME KNOWABOUT THAT TOO.

BUT NO, SERIOUSLY,GO SEE LADY ON TOUR.

SHE'S A FRICKIN' TORNADOUP THERE. I DON'T KNOWHOW SHE DOES IT.

I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHINGLIKE THAT. IT'S INSANE.

HERE'S MY MICROPHONE RIGHT HERE.HERE'S MY POKER FACE.

YOU WANT TO DANCE TO THAT?I DON'T THINK YOU DO.

BABY BIRD SHOTS, $2.

NEXT UP?

( "Flower Duet" playing )

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

UH, UMM, UH...

IT'S FUNNY YOU SAY THAT,'CAUSE I DON'T THINKTHIS I.D. IS LEGIT.

IT SAYS HERE ON YOUR LICENSETHAT YOUR EYES ARE BLUE.

BUT THEY'RE NOT BLUE.

WHAT ARE THEY?

THEY'RE CARIBBEAN SEA

WITH A FULL MOON SHINING DOWN

UNDER A SMURF'S DELICATE BALLS.

SO BLUE. GREAT.THANKS.

WAIT A SECOND. IT SAYSHERE THAT YOUR HAIR IS BROWN,

BUT AGAIN,CLEARLY NOT BROWN.

WHAT IS IT THEN?

WHAT IS IT?IT'S AN AUTUMN MORNING

AT DENZEL WASHINGTON'S HOUSE.

HE'S WALKED OUT OF THE SHOWERAND INTO A CARAMEL FIRE HOSE.

YEP, BROWN.I JUST WANT A BEER, BRO.

HEY, WAIT, I'M LOOKING--ONE MORE THING-- ATYOUR SIGNATURE.

IT LOOKS FAKE. WOULD YOUMIND SIGNING MY BREAST?

- NO.- IS THAT YOUR CURRENT ADDRESS?

NO, ACTUALLY,I DON'T LIVE THERE.

UM, THAT ADDRESS IS NOWA ROBOT VAGINA FACTORY.

WHAT?

JESUS CHRIST. GROSS.

IT SAYS HERE YOU'REAN ORGAN DONOR.

YES, BUT I'M NOT DONATINGMY BALLS ON YOUR CHIN

OR MY ROD IN YOUR OVENOR MY...

BRAIN?

I WAS THINKINGYOUR BRAIN.

I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE VERY WISEAND YOU HAVE A LOT TO SAY.

UNDERNEATH YOUR INSECURITYIS A SOUL

DEEPER THAN THE GRAND CANYONMADE OUT OF DREAMS AND WHISPERS.

WOW. THAT WAS REALLYSWEET OF YOU.

BUT YOU COULD ALSO DONATEYOUR ASS CHEEK AS A PILLOW.

- OKAY, I MIGHT DO THAT.- WHAT? ARE YOU ( bleep ) SERIOUS?

I'M JUST ( bleep ) WITH YOU.STOP IT.

OH, PHEW. I'M JUSTSAYING THAT I HAVE A BEDTHAT WOULD FIT YOUR ASS.

THAT'S FINE.PLEASE CALL ME.

OH, HEY, GIRL,YOU CAN GO.

- YES!- AHHH!

NICE! HE HIT HIMRIGHT IN THE PIE HOLE!

TOTALLY!

AH, SUZY?

WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT NOWFOR LIKE TWO YEARS, RIGHT?

YEAH.

I JUST WANT TO SAY I HAVEN'TFELT THIS WAY ABOUT ANYBODY...

EVER.

NICK, THAT IS SO SWEET.

AND I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THISA REALLY LONG TIME.

AND THERE'S SOMETHINGVERY IMPORTANT

I WANT TO ASK YOU.

OH MY GOD.

SERIOUSLY, WILL YOU--

AHHH! ( bleep )

OH MY GOD!NICK, ARE YOU OKAY?

AHH! OOH!I THINK SO.

NICK, ARE YOU SURE?I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GOGET THIS CHECKED OUT.

NO, LET'S STAY.I CAME HERE TO DO SOMETHINGVERY SPECIAL, ALL RIGHT?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

BABY, YOU ARE THE LOVEOF MY LIFE.

AND I WANT TO SPENDTHE REST OF MY LIFE--

OH NO! MY ( bleep ) EYE!

USHER! CAN WE GET AN USHER?

WHOA! NO, I'M GOOD, MAN.

I SEE A TOWER OR SOMETHING.IT'LL BE A BLACK EYE.

I'M OKAY.

NICK, LOOK AT YOU.LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

NO! NOT UNTIL I FINISH WHATI CAME HERE TO DO.

SUZY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I THINK YOU'RE A GREAT GUY.

AHHH! OWWW!

WHY DO THESE PUCKSKEEP HITTING US?

OWW!

BABY? BABY, YOU OKAY?

I THINK MY ( bleep ) NOSEIS BROKEN.

OKAY, WE'LL TAKE YOUTO THE MEDIC, OKAY?

NO. NO, I WANT TOTALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE GOING TOACCEPT MY PROPOSAL, RIGHT?

NO! I THINK THATWE NEED A BREAK.

I JUST WANT TO SEEOTHER PEOPLE.

OWW!

( sobbing )

WHY?

PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP ME.

WHY ARE NONE OF YOU HIT?

Announcer: Pucker up! It's time for the Kiss Cam!

( pop song playing )

OH.

Hey, you two lovers, how about a lip lock?

WELL...

MR. JENSON, I GOTYOUR SON'S TEST RESULTS BACK.

OKAY.

HE HAS ACUTECHROMOSOME SYNDROME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THIS IS NEVER EASY.

HE HAS THREE MONTHSTO LIVE.

I'M VERY SORRY.

TYLER?

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT TOMAKE YOU A BUCKET LIST--

- HUH, BUDDY?- Doctor: THAT'S IT.

- A BUCKET LIST.- YES, A BUCKET LIST.

DADDY.

A LIST OF THINGS TO DOBEFORE YOU DIE.

( doctor laughs )

OH GOD, RON,I'M SO SORRY.

I KNOW.

AND THERE'S NO CUREFOR CHROMOSOME SYNDROME?

NO.

WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHINGI CAN DO...

ACTUALLY THERE IS.

TYLER MADE A--A BUCKET LIST.

HE DID?

THAT'S SWEET.WHAT'S ON HIS LIST?

HE WANTS ME TO ( bleep )YOUR WIFE.

WHAT?

HE WANTS ME TO ( bleep )YOUR WIFE.

NO, MAN.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONGWITH YOU? NO.

HEY, MAN.

HONEY?

♪ LET'S GO

♪ ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER ♪

♪ I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE OBLIVIOUS ♪

♪ OBLIVIOUS

♪ WHERE ARE ALL THE CLOUDS WITH THE SILVER LINING? ♪

♪ HAVE THEY BLOWN AWAY?

♪ OH, WHERE ARE ALL THE CLOUDS WITH THE SILVER LINING? ♪

♪ HAVE THEY BLOWN AWAY?

♪ OBLIVIOUS

♪ OBLIVIOUS

♪ HEY NOW, MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS ♪

♪ DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE OBLIVIOUS? ♪

♪ OBLIVIOUS

♪ WHERE ARE ALL THE CLOUDS WITH THE SILVER LINING? ♪

♪ HAVE THEY BLOWN AWAY?

♪ OH, WHERE ARE ALL THE CLOUDS WITH THE SILVER LINING? ♪

- ♪ HAVE THEY BLOWN AWAY? - ( man screaming )