King Cake, Baby!

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 09/09/2014

After injuring himself on a king cake, Adam gets a little sloppy while hosting stand-up from Ian Karmel, Aparna Nancherla and Brendan Lynch.

- HEY, WHAT'S UP?IT'S ME, ADAM D.

WELCOME TO MY HOUSE PARTY.

CLOMEDY CENTRAL GAVE MEA BUNCH OF MONEY--

- WHOA, WHOA.CUT. CUT.

DUDE, YOU'RE DOING, LIKE,A REALLY WEIRD THING

WITH YOUR TONGUE,AND YOU SAID, "CLOMEDY."

- WELL, I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW

THAT THIS ISA MORE SEXUAL SEASON.

WE'RE DOWN HEREIN THE "BIG EASY."

AND THEN, I SAID "CLOMEDY,"

BECAUSE IT'S, LIKE,AN IMPROV THING.

- YEAH.- YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT COMEDY,

SO--- ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, ADAM!WELCOME TO NEW ORLEANS.

WE, UH, GOT YOUA BAR-WARMING PRESENT.

- OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.WHAT IS IT?

IS IT A FLAT-SCREEN TV?

- NO.IT'S A KING CAKE,

AND, UH, IT'S SUPERFULL OF WEED.

- SIT THAT DOWN HERE,YOU FREAKIN' MONSTER.

- YOU TAKE A PIECE, AND ONEOF THE PIECES HAS A BABY IN IT,

LIKE A PLASTIC BABY.

AND WHOEVER GETS THE BABYIS KING FOR A DAY.

- EW, I HATE BABIES.I LOVE WEED, THOUGH.

- [laughs] RIGHT.- BABIES--BABIES SUCK.

[choking]

I BIT THE BABY!

- TAKE TWO OF THESEEVERY FOUR HOURS,

AND AVOID ALCOHOL.

- YEP.AVOID ALCOHOL.

GOT IT.

EXCUSE ME, NOW.GET--OKAY. THANK YOU!

AND, ACTION.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?IT'S ME, ADAM D.

WELCOME TO MY HOUSE PARTY.

SEE, LAST YEAR, CLOMEDY CENTRALGAVE ME SOME MONEY

TO THROWA STAND-UP COMEDY SHOW,

AND IT WENT SO WELL THAT THEYACTUALLY CUT MY BUDGET IN HALF.

BUT, I TOOK OUT A LOAN

AND BOUGHT A BAR IN NEW ORLEANS,

FREAKING LOUISIANA, BABY.

CUT. OH, MY TOOTH.IT HURTS SO BAD.

I'M GONNA NEED--I'M GONNA POPA FEW MORE OF THESE DOGGIES.

JUST A COUPLE MORE, JUST--

HEY, WILL YOU GIVE SOME ABSINTHETO WASH IT DOWN?

I CHIPPEDED IT REALLY BAD.

OKAY.

MM. I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.

- AND, WE'RE SCREWED.

- BRRRAHH!AHH!

[theme music plays]

MY NAME IS IAN KARMEL,

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS,

BECAUSE I AM A 6'3"

300-POUND JEWISH MAN,

AND MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE

A WHIMSICAL BRITISH CANDY STORE.

MY NAME SHOULD NOTBE IAN KARMEL.

MY NAME SHOULD BE, LIKE...

SHLOMO PUDDINGTITS.

IT SHOULD BESHLOMO PUDDINGTITS,

OR MY NAME SHOULDJUST BE HAM HOCK.

THAT SHOULD BE THE WHOLE THING.

AND MY ENTIRE COMEDY ACT ISJUST ME COMING OUT ON STAGE

AND GOING,"BETTER PUT SOME BUTTER ON IT,"

AND THEN LEAVING.I JUST LEAVE.

LIKE I SAID, I'M JEWISH.

I'M NOT A VERY JEWY JEW.

LIKE, I'M WAY MOREOF A BEASTIE BOYS JEW

THAN A READ-THE-TORAH JEW.

I COULD NEVER BE RELIGIOUS.I COULD NEVER BE KOSHER.

I--I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVEIN ANY GOD THAT WON'T LET ME EAT

BACON-WRAPPED SCALLOPS.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

[cheers and applause]

I MEAN, IF GOD APPEAREDIN FRONT OF ME AND WAS LIKE,

"IAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOUABOUT BACON AND SCALLOPS?"

I'D BE LIKE,"OH, HEY, GOD, WHAT'S UP?

UH, TRY ONE.TRY ONE OF THEM."

HE'D BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,BUT I WAS VERY CLEAR ABOUT--

"OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

"WHAT ELSE HAVE I BEENWRONG ABOUT?

DO ME IN THE BUTT, QUICKLY.I HAVE TO KNOW."

[laughter and applause]

I AM--I'M--I'M AN ATHEIST,TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I AM AN ATHEIST.

AND LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU NOW

WHY I AM AN ATHEIST.

THERE IS A FISH

THAT LIVES IN THE AMAZON RIVER,

THAT WILL SWIMINTO YOUR PENIS

AND DIE THERE.

THAT'S A REAL THING.

AND IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD,

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE GOD

PUT THAT FISH ON EARTH,

SAW WHAT IT WAS DOING...

AND WAS TOTALLY OKAY WITH IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE, SOME ANGEL

PROBABLY TRIED TO WARN HIM,LIKE, "GOD, I DON'T KNOW

"KNOW HOW TO BRING THIS UP,BRO, BUT, UH...

HERE'S A FISH IN THE--""YEAH, THE DICK FISH!

"I KNOW ABOUT IT.YEAH.

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"YEAH, I'M A WEIRD GOD, YEAH.WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE PLATYPUS.

"PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE LIKE,'WHAT?' THERE'S NO REASON.

"I GOT HAMMERED, THAT'S WHY.

WEIRD GOD, YEAH."

AND I WANT THE WORLDTO BE A BETTER PLACE, TOO.

I WANT THERE TO BE MORE PANDASAND LESS DICK FISH.

I THINK WE CAN ALL

GET BEHIND THAT IDEA, RIGHT?

THAT'S A BUMPER STICKERWE'D ALL ROCK, RIGHT?

PANDA, GREATER THAN SIGN,

WHATEVER THE HELL A DICK FISHLOOKS LIKE.

THROUGH THE DESERT ONA SNOWMOBILE WITH RYAN GOSLING.

HEARD OF HIM? I--I GUESSHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

SOME PEOPLE CALL IT A DREAM.

I CALL IT A TUESDAY.- [laughs]

- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

- HE REALLY LOVES THAT COATRACK.

- BAHHHHH.I LOVE LOVE!

- YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW IT.WE'RE IN NEW ORLEANS.

IF I DON'T SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN,

IT'S BEEN REALLY NICEKNOWING YOU.

- [laughing] YEAH!- FUN.

- YEAH, FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN...

both: FUN, FUN, FUN,

FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN.

- HEY, ADAM?

ADAM?SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS.

I AM SUPPOSED TO DO MY SET.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?MARY?

- APARNA.

- MMM...[gibberish]

MM-KAY.

[cheers and applause][upbeat jazz]

PEOPLE GET INTO STAND-UPFOR A LOT OF DIFFERENT REASONS.

MOSTLY TO ESCAPE YOUR PAST,

SOMETIMES TO HIDEFROM YOUR FUTURE.

BUT I KIND OFDID THINGS BACKWARDS.

LIKE, I GOT INTO STAND-UP COMEDYTO PURSUE MY REAL DREAM,

WHICH IS TO DO TEMPORARYADMINISTRATIVE SUPPORT

IN AN OFFICE.[laughter]

THANK YOU.

THAT IS WHERE I TRULY EXCEL.

I WORKED IN A LOT OF OFFICES,THOUGH.

AND I WOULD SAY MY MAIN REGRETIS I'VE NEVER DONE THIS.

LIKE, I WISH JUST ONE TIME,WHEN I'D BEEN SITTING

IN A TENSE COMPANY MEETING,I'D STOOD UP

IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,APROPOS OF NOTHING, AND GONE,

"I THINK THE BIGGER ISSUEHERE IS,

I CAN'T READ."

[laughter]

I LOVE OFFICES,'CAUSE AWKWARD STUFF LIKE THAT

HAPPENS ALL THE TIME,AND YOU CAN'T FULLY ADDRESS IT,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO SEETHOSE PEOPLE THE NEXT DAY.

LIKE, ONE TIME I WORKEDIN A DIFFERENT OFFICE--

TRY TO KEEP UP--AND THIS HAPPENED TO ME

IN AN ELEVATOR.

A WOMAN WALKED IN.

THEN I WALKED IN.

THEN A MAN WALKED IN.

SO FAR, ALL INNOCENT,THAT'S IMPORTANT.

BUTTON PANEL IS RIGHT HERE.

WOMAN PRESSES FIVE.I PRESS FOUR.

THE MAN'S TOO FAR AWAY.SO HE GOES, "SIX, PLEASE."

I WAS RAISED WELL,SO I PRESS SIX.

HE GOES, "WHY, THANK YOU."

AND THEN, UH, THE WOMAN GOES,

"OH, YOU'RE WELCOME."[laughter]

WHAT?

THAT IS AN EXAMPLEOF TAKING CREDIT

FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S WORKON THE SMALLEST SCALE POSSIBLE.

LIKE, SHE WAS USING MANNERS

IN A RUDE WAY!

I DON'T THINKTHAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

WHAT ARE HER CIRCUMSTANCESTHAT SHE JUST

HAS TO STEAL OTHER PEOPLE'STHANK-YOUs IN ELEVATORS?

LIKE, WHEN SHE WALKED INWAS SHE JUST LIKE,

"I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.I'M HERE TO WIN.

[laughter]

WHERE'S MY ROSE?"

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU,THERE ARE A LOT OF

TIME AND SPACE CONSTRAINTSTO SEEKING REVENGE

IN AN ELEVATOR.

THERE'S NOTA LOT OF ROOM TO MOVE.

WE'RE ON THE CLOCK.SO I HAD TO THINK FAST,

GO STRAIGHT TO PRIMAL INSTINCT,SURVIVAL MODES.

YOU CAN'T JUDGE MEFOR WHAT I DID.

I JUST LOOKED HER DEADIN THE EYES,

AND I FARTED REALLY LOUDLY.[laughter]

I JUST HAD MY FIRST EXPERIENCEWITH A GLORY HOLE.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS?[laughter]

- WHOO!

- WAIST-HIGH HOLE IN A MEN'SRESTROOM STALL THAT A MAN

ANONYMOUSLY STICKS HIS PENISINTO FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.

IT'S BASICALLY LIKE ICE FISHING,BUT FOR AIDS.

[laughter]

AND, UH, IT'S A GUY THING.

THERE'S NO FEMALE GLORY HOLE.WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

THAT'D BE, LIKE,A HOLE WITH A MAN'S EAR

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF IT--YOU COULD JUST TALK INTO IT

FOR 15 MINUTES.

DOESN'T EXIST.

[clapping]

I LOOKED UP GLORY HOLESON THE INTERNET.

THEY'VE BEEN AROUND SINCETHE '70s. THAT'S A LONG TIME.

SO STATISTICALLY,IT'S HAD TO HAVE HAPPENED ONCE

THAT TWO OF THE PENIS GUYSCAME INTO THE BATHROOM

AT THE SAME TIME,THINKING THE SAME THING,

AND THEN CAME INAND TOUCHED IN THE HOLE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, "ELLIOT."

I WONDER WHAT THEY SAIDTO EACH OTHER.

PROBABLY LIKE, "JINX."

I MADE A BIG SWITCH IN MY LIFE.I RECENTLY SWITCHED

FROM REGULAR SUGARTO ARTIFICIAL SUGAR.

BUT THERE'S A LOTOF DIFFERENT TYPES

OF ARTIFICIAL SUGAR, RIGHT?

YOU HAVE SPLENDA,

SWEET'N LOW, EQUAL.

I WAS DOWN IN ALABAMADOING COMEDY.

DOWN THERE--THIS IS AWFUL.THIS IS HORRIBLE.

DOWN THERE, THEY HAVEARTIFICIAL BROWN SUGAR.

YEAH, IT'S CALLEDSEPARATE BUT EQUAL.

[laughter and applause]

I WAS, UH, JUST A PALLBEARER

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

I KNOW THAT'S A GREAT THINGTO BRING UP AT A PARTY,

BUT, UH...

IT'S REALLY SAD.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS GUYSTHAT HAVE TO BE PALLBEARERS?

LADIES, IT'S 2014.

PICK UP YOUR DEAD AUNT.

IF YOU'VE NEVERBEEN A PALLBEARER,

IT'S BASICALLY LIKEMOVING A REALLY SAD COUCH.

AFTER I WAS A PALLBEARER,I PICKED OUT ALL MY PALLBEARERS.

I PUT IT IN MY WILL.I'M GONNA HAVE ALL MY FRIENDS

WHO NEVER HELPED ME MOVE.

GONNA GET POLITICALFOR A SECOND.

HOPE THIS DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE,BUT CENSORSHIP--

IN THIS COUNTRY,THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA--

CENSORSHIP IS OUT OF HAND.

MY OTHER JOB ISI'M A DJ.

I GOT FIRED AT A GIGFOR PLAYING THE SONG--

MARVIN GAYE'S "SEXUAL HEALING."

CLASSIC SONG, RIGHT?

SURE, IT WASA--A--A FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE...

[laughter]

BUT I SAID, "THIS ONE'S

STRICTLY FOR THE STEPDADS."