Chicago

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 07/16/2013

Al Capone gets owned by an unlikely foe, and police clash with Haymarket Riot protesters. Featuring Ike Barinholtz, Joe Lo Truglio and Matt Besser.

[bleep] WEIRDO WHO'S JUST LIKE,

HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THEMAND SAY,

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAYI MADE THIS MUCH MONEY

OVER THIS PERIOD OF TIME,AND I'LL PAY THIS KIND OF TAXES,

AND I'LL PLEA BARGAIN,AND HE HAD IT NEGOTIATED

WHERE HE WAS GONNADO TWO YEARS IN PRISON.

AND THEN THE JUDGE,THEY SAID, LIKE,

WE'RE NOT GONNAACCEPT YOUR PLEA,

BUT WE'RE GONNA TAKE PART OFYOUR PLEA THAT SAID YOU EARNED

THIS MUCH MONEYAND BUST YOU FOR TAXES,

AND--AND SENTENCE YOUTO 11 YEARS IN PRISON, SO...

WHOA, WHAT THE [bleep]?I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL HERE?

THEY PUT HIM AWAY.

THAT'S WHEN THEY STARTEDGIVING HIM LIKE, YOU KNOW,

MEDICAL TESTS AND PSYCH TESTSAND STUFF, AND THAT'S--

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE REALLY,THEY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HIM.

OH, HE'S GOT A 95 I.Q.HE'S NOT THAT SMART.

HE'S THIS BIG, WEIRD[bleep] MOOK.

OH, YOU GOT A 90 I.Q.,BUT YOU SURE KNEW WHO TO KILL,

AND THAT'S PRETTY SMART.[laughs]

OH, AND HE STARTEDPEEING PUS

WHEN HE WAS[bleep] 18 YEARS OLD

AND HE DIDN'T [bleep] SAYANYTHING ABOUT IT.

[cough]SYPHILIS.

[cough]SYPHILIS.

[both laughing]

HE JUST IGNORED PUS COM--COMING OUT OF HIS [bleep].

[laughs]I MEAN, RIGHT?

GAH, PUS IS COMING OUTOF MY [bleep]!

WHAT IS IT?NOTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA STOP THINKINGABOUT IT.

GOOD IDEA.[laughs]

HEY, AL, HOW ABOUTONE PENICILLIN SHOT?

NOPE.LET'S IGNORE IT.

AND, YOU KNOW,HE'S AFRAID OF NEEDLES,

AND SYPHILISROTS HIS BRAIN.

SOON AFTER, HE BECOMESA [bleep] BABBLING IDIOT.

DO YOU KNOW HE--HIS--HE WANTEDHIS NICKNAME TO BE "SNORKY"?

[laughs]I WANT TO BE CALLED "SNORKY."

WE'RE GONNA CALL YOU"SCARFACE."

NO, I WANT TO BE CALLED"SNORKY."

BUT WHEN HE GOT OUT OF JAIL,

HE REALLY QUICKLYWANDERED AWAY INTO, LIKE,

A IDIOT WHO WOULD, LIKE,PUT A FISHING POLE

INTO HIS, LIKE,POOL IN HIS BACKYARD,

LIKE, HOPING TO CATCH FISH.[laughs]

I IMAGINE THEY JUSTMADE COMMENTS LIKE,

HEY, WHY IS HE FISHINGIN HIS OWN POOL?

WELL,HE'S A SYPHILITIC MORON.

SYPHILITIC MORON?WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S A GUY WHO HAS HADA PORTION OF HIS BRAIN

EATEN AWAY BY HIS OWN[bleep] PUS.

HE--HE'S [bleep] UP.

HE'S--HE'S A MORON.HE'S LIKE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

WOW, BECAUSE HE HAD SEXWITH WHORES AND GOT, LIKE,

A DIRTY DICK AND HE DIDN'TDO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

PRETTY MUCH.

THE CASE CHANGEDTO CINCINNATI.

STANTON AND HARDING GO,

MM-HMM, WE DON'TNEED LINCOLN ANYMORE.

BUT LINCOLN DIDN'T EVEN KNOWABOUT ANY OF THIS [bleep].

HE WOULD JUST KEEP RESEARCHINGAND RESEARCHING.

OH, YEAH, BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

I'VE BEEN JUST GOING ALONGWITH MY OWN FUN.

HE WOULD WRITE.HE WOULD BE LIKE,

AM I INVOLVED IN THIS CASEOR WHAT?

FINALLY, HE FOUND OUTTHAT THE CASE HAD BEEN MOVED

TO CINCINNATI,AND HE WAS LIKE,

[bleep]!I'VE GOTTA GO TO CINCINNATI!

SO, HE WENT.

LINCOLN WENT UP TO THE HOTELWHERE ALL THE LAWYERS WERE,

AND STANTON SAW LINCOLNCOMING HERE--COMING UP.

STANTON WENT TO HARDING,

OH, MY GOD,THIS GUY IS A LANKY,

GAWKY, AWKWARD, APE-LEGGED,

APE-L--ARMED MAN.

THIS GUY IS WEIRD.THIS GUY IS LIKE AN APE.

HE'S GOT APE ARMS.

HE'S GOT, LIKE,APE, AWKWARD ARMS.

THIS GUY IS, LIKE, AN APE,AWKWARD GUY.

THIS GUY IS AN APE!

AWK--AWKT--"AWKSWARD"!

HE'S LIKE AN APE-MAN.

THIS GUY IS LIKE AN APE,AWKWARD MAN.

IT'S, LIKE, THE 1880s.

AUGUST SPIESMOVED FROM GERMANY.

HE'S WORKED FOR A, UH,GERMAN SOCIALIST NEWSPAPER.

HE'S LIKE, ALL RIGHT, LET'S--WE NEED--WE NEED, UH,

WE NEED BETTER WORKINGCONDITIONS, THIS AND THAT.

THEY WERE HAVING A BIG RALLYIN FRONT OF THE MCCORMICK PLANT.

THEY MECHANIZEDTHE WHOLE PLANT,

BUT THE WORKERS,THEY'RE NOT HAVING IT.

THEY'RE LIKE, NO, [bleep] THIS!THIS IS OUR SKILL!

THIS IS WHAT--THIS IS THE UNION.

SO, THEY'RE ON STRIKE.AUGUST SPIES WAS THERE.

AUG--AUG--UH, SPIES.

HE--HE GOES THEREAND HE GIVES A SPEECH.

HE'S LIKE,STICK WITH YOUR UNION.

BE SOLID.YOU KNOW, JU--JUST [bleep]...

BE--YOU KNOW, BE TOGETHER.

DON'T GO...CRAZY OR NOTHING,

BUT JUST BE WITH YOUR GROUP.

BE, YOU KNOW--BE--BE SOLID.

THEY HAD COPS THERE, OF COURSE.THEY GOT COPS THERE.

WELL, [bleep] GOES WRONG.

SOME OF THE STRIKING WORKERS,

THEY RUSH THE GATESAT THE MCCORMICK PLANT.

THE COPS, THEY SHOOT.

THEY KILL A COUPLEOF THE STRIKERS.

SPIES SEES THIS.

HE SEES THIS AND HE'S LIKE,OH, THIS IS BULL[bleep].

LET'S NOT DO THIS,AND A LOT OF FANCY WORDS.

LET'S OP--LET'S OPEN THE DOORIN CASE I BARF.

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