Dick Moves

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 02/16/2016

Nikki makes sexting classier, quizzes her guests on the latest developments in the erotic sciences and hosts a game show to help strip club patrons win their money back.

Welcome to Pay Your Tab Cab.

Get in, buddy.

Hey, what's up, guys?

-How was the strip club tonight?-It was awesome.

-What'd you see?-Lots of boobies.

This is my co-host,Charity.

-Hi. I'm Charity. How are you?-Hey. Nice to meet you.

Charity is a lot like VannaWhite only more flexible.

Are you ready to win back themoney that you spent tonight?

I'm down for that.That's what's happening?

Every time you answera question right,

I will reward youwith some cash.Okay.

I can't give you backyour dignity, though.

-[ Laughs ]-Ready?

-I'm down. Let's go.-All right.

Elizabeth Warrenis the senator of what state?

Massachusetts.

Wow. Right away.Yes. Correct.

I just guessed'cause that's the only state.

[ Buzzer ]I think.

'Cause Alberta's --

No, Alberta's not,but Oklahoma is a state.

Oklahoma's a state.

-Wow.-I messed up there.

I'm gonna gowith Massachusetts.

-That is correct.-Yes!

Yes, she's looking toredistribute the wealth,

which is exactlywhat you did

with your kids'college fund tonight.[ Chuckles ]

True or false -- Formersecretary of state

Madeleine Albrightcan dunk.

Um, true?

[ Buzzer ]False.

I'm gonna say true'cause it sounds crazy.

No, it is false'cause it is crazy.Okay.

What does PMS stand for?

Personal menstruationsaturation.

[ Buzzer ][ Laughs ]

No?

-No.-No. Okay.

Premenstrual cycle?

[ Buzzer ]You think cycle startswith "S"?

Pressure menstrualsystem.

[ Buzzer ][ Laughs ]

Premenstrual syndrome.

I did know that.I did know that.

And it's timefor the lightning round.

Pew, pew, pew!

NIKKI: Like you, it'll befinished before you know it.All right.

-Charity, are you ready?-I'm ready.

NIKKI:Let's get started.

Name as many famous women thatyou can over the age of 50.

And go.

Uh, Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton.

Always the first one.

Um...

[ Snapping fingers ]

Do I get, like,a shout-out or something?

You want to call your mom,you can,

but you have to tell herwhere I picked you up from.

I'm good.[ Laughter ]

I went blank. I'm sorry.

I just keep on thinkingof Hillary Clinton.

I have no reason.

This is really pathetic.

Harriet Tubman.[ Buzzer ]

Do they have to be alive?-Yes!

Marilyn Monroe's not alive.

[ Buzzer ]A woman who's alive.

Maya Angelou.[ Buzzer ]

She's dead.Someone who's alive.

Oh, someone who's alive.Okay, cool.

Georgia O'Keeffe.

Make sure they're alive.Make sure they're alive.

Uh...

Just any woman who is inthe second half of her life!

Diana...

Princess Diana.

[ Buzzer ]She's dead.Why is it only dead people?

Help me out here.

I know you don't wantto fuck them,

but that doesn't meanthey don't exist.

Betty Crocker.

[ Buzzer ]Betty Crockeris not a real person.

[ Laughter ]I'll even lower itto 40.

Um...

Wow.

Beyoncé?

[ Buzzer ]Beyoncé?

-Is she?-No, she is not over 40.

She's not over 40?

We don't have a chance!

NIKKI:And you're out of time!

-So I didn't win anything?-No. Get out of the car.

-Are you serious?-Yeah.

You're done. Get out.Thanks for playing.

Can you name a womanover 50?

Aretha Franklin.

Perfect. God.

He couldn't name her.

Jesus Christ.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]IT'S TIME TO WRAP IT UP.

I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO, BUT IT'LL ONLY LAST A MINUTE.

[ LAUGHTER ]TONIGHT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT AN

OLD-FASHIONED DICK MOVE --ASKING YOUR PARTNER THEIRNUMBER.

STOP IT.

THEIR SEXUAL HISTORY IS JUST THAT -- HISTORY.

PLUS IT'S LIKE ASKING YOUR DAD WHAT POSITION YOU WERE CONCEIVED

IN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

DOGGY.

[ LAUGHTER ]ANY NUMBER THEY SAY FEELS WRONG,

AND IT'S TOO EASY FOR YOU TO GETIN YOUR HEAD ABOUT IT.

LIKE, 32?

DAMN, THAT'S HALF A SCHOOL BUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]FOUR?

THAT'S A JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM.

21?

THAT'S ALL THE DUGGARS.

[ LAUGHTER ]INCLUDING THE CREEPY ONE.

[ DING! ]LOOK, I GET IT.

DEEP DOWN, WE ALL WANT THAT NEW PERSON WE'RE DATING TO BE LIKE A

VIRGIN.

BUT LIKE A VERY EXPERIENCED VIRGIN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE SOMEONE WHO CHALKS UP AMAZING ANAL LIKE, "HMM,

BEGINNER'S LUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]BUT ASKING ABOUT THEIR PAST IS A

BAD IDEA.

JUST LOOK AT THIS OKCUPID SURVEYFROM 2005.

ALL THAT BLUE --THOSE PEOPLE SAID THERE IS SUCH

A THING AS TOO MANY PARTNERS.

THE RED -- THEY'RE COOL.

THEY DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP][ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, 10 YEARS LATER, THE REDNESSIS SPREADING.

AND FOR ONCE, THAT'S A GOOD THING.

[ LAUGHTER ]BUT UNTIL WE ALL STOP ASKING FOR

NUMBERS, DON'T BE ASHAMED OF YOURS, 'CAUSE WHENEVER A GUY

ASKS FOR MINE, I DON'T HIDE FROMIT.

I JUST TELL THEM MY NUMBER CAN DRIVE A RENTAL CAR AT A SENIOR

DISCOUNT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

All right, guys, I know whatI like to see in dick pics,

and it's not whatyou all have provided.

I want to see you.

I want to see what you're into.

I want to see your interests.

Or I just want to see your dick.

[ Laughter ]I'll show it to you.

I will see it later.

[ Laughter ]

Let's do it.

It's awesome.

I love that you leftyour socks on.

That's a great look.

I want to showcase you as,like, a foodie for this picture.

I want to put your dickin a bánh mi bun.

-[ Laughs ]-If you want mayonnaise,

you have to supply thatyourself, but, like, we'll...

We're good.[ Chuckles ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Excuse me.There's a hair in my sandwich.[ Laughs ]

I want to focus on somethingthat a girl would be like,

"Ooh, like,he's well read."

So let's just set your dickon a book.

Maybe, like, let's flipa page over

and just like,"Ooh, peekaboo."

Can you please not make eyecontact with me?

I would feel more comfortable ifyou would like, maybe stare atthe ground or something.

>> OK.

Like, now, could you maybe dothat.

So, I found this, like,adoptable puppies flyer.

Perfect.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Oh, my God.They're so cute.

-Do you play guitar?-Call me Hendrix.

Do we have anythingsmaller?

We have a ukulele.-Thank you.

I think this would be betterfor everyone.Yes.

[ Laughter and applause]There once was a blonde girlnamed Nikki

Stop it. Nope.

Done.

Every, like,fat Hawaiian man just died.

[ Chuckles ]

All right, guys, what we've doneso far has been great.

We made your dicks beautiful.

Now let's make themunforgettable.

Okay, Jay, we want to give you,like, a look

where it's like you're goingback to school.

It's leaning againstthis locker.

Okay. We need your dickto kind of, like,

maybe stand upa little bit.

Is there any wayyou can reach around?

Oh, no.

Looks like I'm gonnahave to do this myself.

I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor,I'm a doctor.

[ Laughter ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Oh, my gosh.This is amazing.

He puts the "cum"in "homecoming."

So, your dick is just,like, relaxing.

Have you ever had tweezersnext to your dick?

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Have you ever been --

[ Laughing ]

Please just be professional,okay?

I'm putting little, tinycucumbers on your penis.

Really love this.

Okay, I am super excitedabout this one.

We are gonna take your dickto Paris.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Oui, oui.

Oui, oui.

I wish your dick could havea cigarette, but, you know,

we don't want to influencethe kids

that you might besending this to.

[ Laughter ]

A tisket, a tasket.

Your dick's carryinga basket.

[ Chuckles ]

I Louvre this.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Congrats, you guys.

Send the picture.

One, two, three.

Send!

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, shit.[ Laughs ]

What'd she say, what'd she say,what'd she say?

She said,"Worst paper cut ever."

Yes! Yes!

[ Cellphone chimes ]I got a response, too.

"Can't wait to get myrecommended daily serving

of dick and cilantro."

[ Laughs ]

That's a success.

Look at you.You're glowing.

This was not the faceof a guy

who had just senta normal, old dick pic.

And for all you guyswho didn't get responses,

it's probably 'cause they'rejust masturbating feverishly.

So, we did it. Yes!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]