An American Werewolf in America

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 03/24/2010

Mark cares for an undocumented werewolf, and Leonard envies his famous magician brother, Christ Angel.

[both sighing]

- AND TIME.

- I'M SORRY.

I'VE GOT TOO MUCH ANGERFOR THIS TRUST EXERCISE.

- OKAY, GOOD, GREAT,WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF, PHIL.

- WOULD IT BETOO MUCH TO ASK

FOR YOU TO GIVE ME BACKMY WEDDING RING?

- UM, SORRY.I HAVEN'T PASSED IT YET.

- HOW CONVENIENT.

- MATTHEW, IS THERE ANYTHINGYOU'D LIKE TO SAY

TO HELP PHILDEAL WITH SOME OF THAT ANGER?

- COULD I INTEREST YOUIN A BELLY RUB?

- THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

- THIS IS AN IMPORTANT LESSONFOR EVERYONE.

WITHOUTA BASIC LEVEL OF TRUST,

THE WHOLE CITYWILL FALL APART.

- THAT'S NICE IN THEORY,

BUT YOU CAN'T TRUSTEVERYBODY.

- OH, GOD.IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.

[screams]

- LET'S GIVE PHILSOME SPACE FOR A MINUTE,

WATCH SOME SLIDES.

LEONARD, SOME VISUAL AIDS,PLEASE.

- KEEP YOUR PANTS ON,HONEY.

[projector whirring]

- IN THE EARLY DAYSOF NEW YORK,

THE NATIVE NEW YORKERS

WERE LED BY THE VAMPIREWILLIAM DYER.

- MY SKIN'S ON FIRE.

- BUT IRISH IMMIGRANTSWERE FLOODING INTO THE CITY.

- OH, GOD!

- AND QUITE FRANKLY,

A LOT OF TENSIONBETWEEN THOSE GROUPS.

- [giggles]

- THIS WILL BRING MENIGHTMARE.

- TONE IT DOWN,OKAY?

- SURE.TAKE CHRIST ANGEL'S SIDE.

- [screams]

- WHOA.JESUS CHRIST.

- [laughs]

- [sobbing]

MAKE IT STOP.

MAKE IT STOP!

- OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT,EVERYONE.

W-WE'LL PICK IT UP FROM HERENEXT TIME.

- NICE POWERPOINT,SUGAR TITS.

EXCALIBUR.EXCALIBUR.

EXCALIBUR.

- LITTLE OUT OF SYNCIN THERE TODAY.

- HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCHI LIKE THIS MAGIC PEN SET?

- YES, MANY TIMES.

I'M A LITTLE MORE INTERESTEDIN THIS ANGRY OBSESSION

YOU HAVE WITH CHRIST ANGEL.

- I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

[vomiting]

MAGIC.

- I WOULD THINK THIS GUYWOULD BE A HERO TO ALL WIZARDS.

I MEAN, HE'S AMAZING.

SO COOL.

OH, MY GOD,LEONARD.

IS THIS YOU?

- YES.

- YOU'RE FRIENDSWITH CHRIST ANGEL?

- WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.

HE'S MY BROTHER.

[suspenseful music]

- WOW!

- WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER...- RIGHT.

- AND FATHER.- I GET IT.

- LIKE THE JONASES,ONLY THERE ARE TWO OF US.

- I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.- NOW I TURN ON THE TELEVISION.

I GOT TO SEE THIS DUDEWHO'S MY BROTHER.

HEY BUDDY

WANT TO JAM WITH MEON ROCK BAND?

- [snarls]

[lamp shatters]- [groans]

- [chomping]

BRAINS...

BRAINS,THEY ARE DELICIOUS.

- ARE WE JAMMING?

DO I LOOK COOLRIGHT NOW?

- MM-HMM.YOU'RE THE COOLEST, BUDDY.

[gasps]

[touch-tone beeps, line rings]

HELLO, RAY?YEAH, IT'S ME.

MAN, I'M HAVINGA REALLY BAD CRAVING.

WELL, I ROOFIED MY ROOMMATE'SCHOCOLATE MILK.

CHOCOLATE MILK.

YEAH, I KNOW,A GROWN MAN.

I'M REALLY FIXATEDON THE OCCIPITAL LOBE RIGHT NOW.

HOW WOULD I DO IT?

WELL, I HADN'T REALLYTHOUGHT ABOUT IT.

BUT I GUESS I'D STARTWITH AN INCISION

AT THE BASE OF THE SPINE,BYPASSING THE ARTERIES.

THEN I'D DRAINTHE SPINAL FLUID

TO MAKE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,KIND OF A BASE.

ARE--ARE YOU MASTURBATINGTO THIS?

DUDE, YOU ARETHE WORST SPONSOR.

[phone beeps]

- [yawns]

HOW LONG HAVE YOUBEEN WATCHING ME SLEEP?

- THE WHOLE NIGHT.

- OKAY, CLEARLY,YOU WANT TO EAT ME,

AND THAT'S NATURAL.

YOU'RE A ZOMBIE.

- SAVE YOUR HIPPIE MIND GAMESFOR SOMEONE ELSE, DUDE.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

BUT I'M HEREWHEN YOU WANT TO TALK.

[CROWD CHEERING]

- MARK,I HOPE I DIDN'T GIVE OFF

THE IMPRESSION THAT I HAVESOME SORT OF PROBLEM

WITH MY BROTHER'S SUCCESS.

- UM...

- LISTEN, I'M FINEWITH HIM LIVING OUT

ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS.

WOULD I HAVE GIVEN HIMMY CLASSIC DOVE CARD TRICK

IF I WAS BITTER?

[explosion]

[rock music playing]

- FOR THIS NEXT ILLUSION,I NEED A VOLUNTEER.

- OOH, ME!- PICK ME!

- [gasps]

- WOW, LOOK AT YOU.

I GUESS I'M NOT THE ONLY ANGELIN HERE TONIGHT.

- [giggles]

- I NEED YOU TO THINKOF A CARD.

- OKAY.

- NOW, REALLY CONCENTRATEON THE CARD.

- UH-HUH.

[shimmering tone]

[wings fluttering]

THAT'S TOTALLY MY CARD.

BUT WHERE'S CHRIST?

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

[yelling]HELP!

I'M GOING INTO LABOR.

[screams]

- TA-DA.

WHAT YOU'VE JUST SEENIS MAGIC.

- [clapping]

- YEAH!

- THAT'S YOUR TRICK?

- HE WON A WIZZIE FOR ITIN 1732.

- WOW.

HE MUST HAVE BEENSO GRATEFUL.

- OH, YEAH.

I MEAN, HE DIDN'T MENTION MEIN HIS SPEECH

OR RETURN MY CALLSFOR THREE CENTURIES,

BUT A BROTHER KNOWS.

- I TAKE BACK EVERYTHINGI SAID ABOUT MAGICIANS.

OLD LADY, YOUR BROTHERIS AMAZING.

- WELL, WE'VE HADA LOT OF FUN TONIGHT,

BUT I'D LIKE TO SLOW THINGS DOWNFOR A MINUTE

AND INTRODUCE MY BROTHER.

LEONARD, GET YOUR ASSOUT HERE.

[cheers and applause]

HEY.

CAN YOU BELIEVEHE'S THE YOUNGER BROTHER?

[laughter]SO OLD.

WRINKLE FACE.

LENNY, IT'S ALWAYS GOODTO SEE YOU,

BUT I'VE BEEN MEANINGTO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

- MM-HMM.- WHY YOU HITTING YOURSELF?

- OW.- WHY YOU HITTING YOURSELF?

- OW.- WHY YOU HITTING YOURSELF?

- OW.- WHY YOU HITTING YOURSELF?

- STOP--OW.- WHY YOU HITTING YOURSELF?

- THAT'S OKAY--OW.- WHY YOU HITTING YOURSELF?

- OH.

THIS GUY'S A TOTAL DICK.

[shimmering tone]

- LISTEN TO ME.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANTTHAT I FIND LEONARD POWERS.

- HE'S IN THE MIDDLEOF HIS RESIGNATION CEREMONY

IN THE 12TH-FLOORCONFERENCE ROOM.

- THANKS.

- YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

UNTIL YOU SIGN IN.

IT'S REQUIRED.

- IN ORDER TO RESIGNYOUR POSITION

AS WIZARD AT THE DEPARTMENTOF INTEGRATION,

YOU MUST TURN INYOUR OFFICE SUPPLIES.

- I WAS TOLDI COULD KEEP THEM.

- SILENCE!

YOU WILL TURN THEM IN,

EVEN THE KOOSH BALL.

AND ONCE THE BOXIS UNLOADED,

IT SHALL BE DONE.

- ONE RUBBER BAND BALL.

ONE MERLIN MOUSE PAD.

ONE WAND SHARPENER.

[mellow lounge music]

- [giggles]

- HEY!- AH!

- ONE PLASTICWORLD'S DRUNKEST WIZARD TROPHY.

15 CONDOMS.

ONE KOOSH BALL.

AND FINALLY,ONE EXCALIBUR PEN SET.

- WAIT!

LEONARD, STOP!

DON'T DO IT.

I'M ALIVE.

- AND DIVING FOR NO REASON.- SORRY.

- WHO DARES INTRUDE

ON THE PRESIDENTOF THE WIZARDS' GUILD?

- BY THE POWEROF EXCALIBUR,

I WITHDRAWMY RESIGNATION.

- NO!

I'VE BEEN MADEREDUNDANT.

[groans]

- MAINTENANCE!

I SUMMON THEE.

- THANKS FOR SAVING ME,KID.

JUST PROMISENEVER TO ENCOURAGE ME AGAIN.

- YOU HAVE MY WORD.

IN AMERICA, YOU'RE ALWAYS TAUGHTTO REACH FOR THE STARS,

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