Battle

  • 01/29/2015

Paul Scheer admonishes an irresponsible pet owner, Ali Siddiq learns the meaning of important prison slang, and Bert Kreischer wrestles a bear for his television show.

The machine,Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

I fought a bear one time.

[laughs]

I know--It soundsas ridiculous to me

as it does to you.

But I used to have a showcalled Hurt Bert.

It was on FX,and I used to take

new men's dangerous jobs.

Every week,it was a brand-new guy,

and I tookhis dangerous job.

So you can imaginethe excitement I got

when I had--when I got a callone morning

and they said, "Hey,do you want to fight a bear?"

I was like, "Who does thatfor a living?"

And they're like,"You do on Thursday."

So I show up on set,and it's a real grizzly bear.

It is a 9-foot bearsitting on a park bench just--

A vacant look in--

As dumb as you thinka bear would look.

So I walk up.I'm 28 years old.

I don't know any better.

I stick my handin front of his nose

so he can get my scent,

and the trainerloses his shit.

He goes,"What are you doing?"

I was like, "I'm letting--He's getting my scent."

He goes,"This is a grizzly bear,

not a labradoodle."

He goes,"That's not how we do it.

We have protocolaround here."

I said, "Okay, what am Isupposed to do?"

He goes, "Take these,"

and he hands mefive marshmallows.

He goes, "When the bear'snot looking,

"take a marshmallow,put it in your mouth.

"Then, discreetly walkin front of the bear,

"just casually,show him the marshmallow like--

"And allow the bearthe opportunity to engage you.

"He needs to engage you

"and take the marshmallow outof your mouth with his mouth.

This way, he'll learnto trust you."

And I was like,"[bleep] that.

"Who thought of this,the bear?

Is this the bear's idea?"

He's like, "Hey, buddy,this is how we do it,"

and my whole television crewis behind him like...

♪ This is howwe do it ♪

It's my second TV show ever.I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm 28, and I want--So I'm like, "All right.

I don't care.I'll do it."

So I take five marshmallows,I hide behind the bear,

and like David Blaine,I whip one into my mouth.

Then nonchalantlywalk in front of the bear

like a street hooker,like...

[moaning]

And the bear goes from vacantto excited, just...

[snorts and roars]

And I'm going...

[muffled crying]

And he starts jumping.

[roars]

And I'm going...

[cries]

And he rushes me

and tongues itout of my mouth.

Tongues it.

Bears never brushtheir teeth.

I'm making out with a homelessperson five times in a row.

And I'm like...

[retching]

We get done,and the trainer goes,

"Fantastic.We're ready."

I go, "Hold on.I haven't learned anything."

He goes, "You kidding me?

"You learned the most importantlesson of the day,

and that is,the bear likes marshmallows."

I go, "What's that meanfor me?"

He goes, "Listen,if you get in trouble,

"just very confidently say'marshmallow,'

"and what'll happen is,the bear will hear that,

"and he'll give you some spaceto do your marshmallow trick.

"But we'll hear it,we'll know you're in trouble,

and we'll get you out of there;that's your safe word."

I was like, "Yeah, but he thinksthey're inside me."

He's like, "You'll be fine.Let's go!"

And the bear--I swear--

And I know you're gonna go,"Bullshit."

The bear was smiling.He was--

He's got that lookin his face like,

"I know how to get marshmallowsaround here, bitch."

And he runs up to me,

and I can't express itperfectly.

It's like beingin a car crash,

the most helplessI've ever felt.

He grabs me by the ears,both paws,

lifts me off the groundeffortlessly,

and starts tryingto shake marshmallows

out of my ass, just...

[roars]

And I'm going,"Marshmallow, marshmallow.

Marshmallow!"

But no one can hear me

'cause there'sa 9-foot grizzly bear going...

[roaring]

All of a sudden,he drops me,

and that is at the momentthat I thought I was gonna die.

He lets go,and I'm like, "Thank God."

Then his fingernailgrabbed my belt loop,

just snagged it,and he spun me doggy style

and locked onin a bear hug, just...

[roars]

Grinding gentlyon my ass, just--

Now we're both facingthe same direction.

I'm looking at the crew,the trainer, going,

"Marshmallow.Marshmallow, marshmallow."

Everyone's laughingexcept for the trainer,

who looks panicked.

He waves and catches eyeswith me and goes, "Go limp!"

I'm like, "Please be talkingto me right now.

"A--Is there a bear [bleep]climbing up my jeans?"

About to split center seam,just--

[strained]"Marshmallow."

So I go limp.I go limp.

Now it looks like I'm gettingdate raped by a bear, just--

I slide out of his paws,land on my back,

and that's the last thingI remember,

because apparentlyhis instincts took over

and he sat on my face.

My wife, who I had been datingfor three months at the time--

I had invited her to the setso I could impress her.

My wife's not afraidof big animals at all.

She goes over to the bagof marshmallows,

grabs a marshmallow,puts it in her mouth.

Stands by my feetand goes--

The bear then takes his ballsout of my mouth,

walks over to her.

They pull the bear to one side,her to the other.

They drag me under a tree,and I wake up in the lap

of my producerTim Scott.

I open my eyes.I look at Tim.

It's the first thing I see,and I was like,

"What happened?"

He was like, "Well, you gotraped and tea-bagged by a bear.

You might wantto get tested."

And he's like, "That chick--that LeAnn chick,

I thinkshe saved your life."

And I look over,and my wife, at that moment,

is coming running over to me,and it's like--

It's out of a movie,and I know you're gonna go,

"Really, is this howthis [bleep] happened?"

Well, it's my narrative, okay?

She leans in.Her head blocks the sun.

There is a halofrom the Lord himself,

or herself--I don't care.

And she is staring down at me,and she says to me

in her Southern accent,"Are you okay?"

And I look back at herwith the sun

caressing her face,

and I knew without a doubtin that instant,

at that very moment--You're like, "Really?

That's when you knew?"Yeah, that's when I knew.

I would've never done thatfor her.

Thank you, guys.

[cheers and applause]

You guys will love him.

From The League, Mr. Paul Scheer, everybody.

Let him hear it.Paul Scheer.

Whenever I leave my house,every morning,

I walk out front,

and there's this big,giant piece of dog shit.

Boom, right thereevery morning,

it's like,"Good morning."

No, not a good morning.Terrible morning.

'Cause now I have to clean upa bunch of dog shit.

And I always say--when I'm cleaning it up,

I'm like,"Oh, man, one day.

"One day, I'm gonna find the guywho shits on my lawn,

"and, oh, he is goingto rue the day.

He is gonna rue the day."

It's gonna be like somethingout of Death Wish,

which is a movieI have not seen,

but I think it is about a guywho hunts down people

whose dog shitson his lawn.

Not positive about that.

So cut to a couple months ago,I have a baby, brand-new baby.

It's very exciting,very cute baby.

It's awesome.

My wife and Iare at our house,

and we're, like,super cracked out.

Like, we haven't been outof our pajamas for days,

and my wife came upwith this plan.

She's like, "We have to catchthe dog-shitting guy."

I'm like, "Oh, yeah.We're gonna catch this guy,"

and we create, like,an elaborate sting operation.

We close all of our blinds,

make it look likewe're not home,

and then we just kind of wait.

And we're just peeringout the window,

and when someone comes,we're like, "Honey, come quick.

Aw, no, they picked uptheir shit."

We're actually upset when peoplepick up their dog shit.

We're like, "No."

And then finally,he came,

and I knew it was the guy,

because when he camedown the block,

he looked like--I guess--how can I explain this?

He looked like a home-schooledJohn Goodman, all right?

Walking down the blockvery boldly

with a Bluetooth headsetthat was so big

that even whenBluetooths came out,

it was too big,you know?

He comes.Dogs stop in front of our house.

We're watching, like,"All right, here it goes.

Here it goes."

And the dogs,like synchronized swimmers,

just squatat the same time--boop--

and...

They shit,and the guy just goes--

Looks around,sees our blinds are down.

He's like,"No one can be inside."

[laughs]

He doesn't know.

And he walks off,

and my wife and I--we freak out.

It's like the jackpot,like, "Yes!

"We got him.We got him.

What do we do?"

My wife's like,"You got to go out there.

You got to confront him,"and I'm like,

"No, I can't,'cause I'm a pussy.

You go!"

So I send my wifeout there,

a woman who hasliterally weeks ago

given birthto a human being,

to confront a large manand two wild animals,

and she goes out there

and then affectswhat I guess what I call,

like, a Downton Abbey accent.

She's like, "Excuse me, sir,your dog defecated on the lawn,

and this requiresimmediate attention."

No one's gonna stopfor that.

The guys just blowsright by her,

and I go, "No one can talkto my wife like that."

And I bust out of the housein my pajamas,

and I run down the street.

I'm like, "Hey, sir,your dog shit on our lawn,"

and then I wait for it.

And he looks at me,and he's like,

"No, they didn't,"and I go, "Yes, they did."

And he goes,"No, they didn't."

And then I realizedI did not have a plan

of how to confrontthis guy.

I want say something else,I don't know what to do,

so I figuredI'd do the next best thing.

I insult his dogs.I look down.

I'm like,"Well, guess what.

This dog's dumb,and this dog's dumber."

I did it.

And the guys looks at me weird,and I'm like...

[laughs]

And I walk back to my wife,and I feel so triumphant.

I'm like, "Did you seehow I just, like,

"slammed that guy's dogs?

She is gonna beso proud of me."

And then as I'm walking away,I hear,

"You're a disgustinghuman being."

And I turn to him,and I go, "I know!"

Screaming, and then I goto approach my wife,

and then he goes,"You two--

You two belong together."

And I approach my wifein a way

that I've never done before.

I put my hand on the smallof her back,

and I tilt her over,like, in a Gone with the Wind

style kiss,

and I'm like--

[growls]

And I give him the finger.I'm like, "Take that."

And he leaves,and then I feel so triumphant.

And then I look downat the ground,

and I seea giant pile of shit

that I still haveto clean up,

and then I realizethat I left my child inside

unattendedfor, like, 15 minutes,

'cause I ama terrible parent.

Thank you guys so much.

[cheers and applause]

No matter what, you stick withyour race. I don't know why Ican't

have a Mexican friend.. He's inmy cell, I don't know what the

fuck is going on, but Mexicansgot on boots and I gotta figure

out what I'm supposed to do now.

out what I'm supposed to do now.

Thank you, everybody.

On this show, here's whathappens, it's just a bunch of

comics telling true stories andthatís all it is. Tonight it's

all about fights. Please give itup for Ali Siddiq, everybody.

Let him hear it.

My story is about prison,danger.

Seen it all, looks so menacing,you know? And I'm black so we

know it's going to be aboutcrime. Let me tell you, prison

is an odd place because you donot know the rules. No matter

how many prison movies youwatched and documentaries of

Locked Up, you still don't knowthe rules of what's gonna

happen. So I'm on myway to what they called

"necessities". Necessities iswhere, you know, your clothes,

your get your laundry and allthat bullshit. So I'm walking to

Necessities and a dude justwalks by and say, "Mexicans got

on boots." I'm like, "What thefuck does that mean?" 'Cause

it's like I've been in prisonlike the first day, whatchu

mean, "Mexicans got on boots?"Everybody got on fucking boots,

so I thought. Dude walk past,"Mexicans got on boots, Mexicans

got on boots." So I tellsomebody else, "Mexicans got on

boots." Dude looks down,"Mexicans do got on boots" and

just takes off running.I'm like, "Was I supposed to run

'cause the Mexicans have onboots?" So I asked the old dude,

I said, "Hey, Mexicans got onboots." He's saying, "Alright,

they got on boots." I said,"What that mean?" He said, "it's

gonna be a riot." I said, "Youpretty calm about a riot." I

said, "How you know Mexicans goton boots mean it's gonna have a

riot." He said, "BecauseMexicans don't wear boots on the

wreck yard." I said, "Oh, okay,what they wear on the wreck

yard?" He said, "Sneakers, theyplay handball all the time." And

then you look and you seeMexicans over there playing

handball, but they got on boots.So I'm like, 'cause it

still don't comprehend. So getback to my cell I was like,

"Hey," to my celly, I said, "YouMexican. What Mexicans got on

boots mean?" He said, "It meanswe gonna riot, we gonna stab a

couple of black guys up."And I asked.. When

you're in prison, you askeddumbass questions, I'm like,

"Does the riot happen in here?Like in this cell? 'Cause me and

you just finished eatingtogether, what're you mad at me

about? I don't know. But whenyou learn that you stick with

your race in prison, no matterwhat, you stick with your race.

I don't know why I can't have aMexican friend.. He's in my

cell, I don't know what the fuckis going on, but Mexicans got on

boots and I gotta figure outwhat I'm supposed to do now.

And I still don't know,I gotta still ask people. Find a

black dude, I'm like, "Yo, sowhat I do now that Mexicans got

on boots?" He said, "You gottafind you a knife." I said, "I

gotta find a knife? You can'thave no knife in prison." He

said, "You just got here, huh?"I said, "Yeah, I just got here."

He said, "Man, you gonna need tofind a dude named Cece and get

you a knife." It's 3,000 peopleon this unit. How the fuck I'm

supposed to find Cece? I don'tknow. So I'm just

walking around, "Mexicans got onboots, Cece. Mexicans got on

boots, Cece." Dude say, "Hey,you looking for Cece?" I said,

"Yeah." "You must need a knife."I said, "Yeah." He said, "Why

you need a knife?" I said, "Youain't heard?" He said, "Nah, I

ain't heard shit I've been atwork all day." "Mexicans got on

boots." He take off running.I take off running

after him only because he nevertold me where Cece was. I catch

him, he said, "Man, go on thewreck yard, Cece gonna be on the

wreck yard." I'm like, "I don'twant to go on the wreck yard, I

just left the wreck yard, it'show I found out Mexicans had on

boots." So I'm sitting on thewreck yard looking around for

somebody who may look like adude named Cece. So I'm

asking, I'm looking, I'mwaiting, I'm saying, "Somebody

going to speak to Cece, got to."Dude walk by, "What up, Cece?" I

said, "Thatís who I'm lookingforward right there." I see

Cece, I nod, he nods back. Isay, "Can I come over there?" He

said, "Come on, young blood." Iget over there, I said, "Hey

Cece, Mexicans got on boots." Hesaid, "I heard." I say, "I need

a knife." He said, "Well, cometo my cell in a couple of

minutes, I'll hook you up."I get to the cell. I

say, "Cece I need a knife." Hesaid.. which shit turned

different. He said, "What typeof knife?" I don't know I just

fucking got here. He said, "Whattype of knife you looking for?"

I said, "Something sharp,something to poke a motherfucker

with. I don't know." So he putup a towel and said, "Hold on,

let me show you some knives."He put up a towel, went

under his mattress, took someshit out, slipped some shit

back, and now it's eight knivesin front of me. It's like I'm in

fucking Macy's. I'm like, "Yo."Like, "You know, what kind of

knife you want?" I said, "Well,you know, what kind of knife I

need for a riot? I ain't neverbeen in a riot before." He said,

"Well you gonna need somethingyou can stick multiple people

and it break off." I said, "Isthat right here on the thing?"

He said, "No, these are personalknives. Whatchu want your knife

made out of?" I said, "There'stoo many fucking choices, man. I

just need a knife to protectmyself." He said, "Well, god

damn it, listen to me, man. Doyou want it made out of wood,

plastic, metal, or what?" I say,"Cece, listen to me, I don't

know because I've never been ina riot before. What's going to

protect me?" He said,"Fuck! New ass motherfucker."

Like it's wrong to be justgetting to prison, I don't want

to be here from the beginning,so calling me "new" don't mean

shit to me. So I said, "So, man,what would you suggest?" He

said, "I suggest somethingpersonal, like a pin top." Pin

top? I don't want a fucking pintop knife. I want a real knife.

Something I can just get inthere with. He said, "No, what

you get with a pin top is aknife with a pin, but you push a

nail through it and then you putthe top on it and just have it

in your pocket so we could walkaround with it." I

said, "That sounds pretty cool.Would that sustain with a riot?"

He said, "No, that ain't riotknives, that's just personal

walk around." I said,"Motherfucker, I need a knife

for the riot 'cause Mexicans goton boots." I said, "Man, how

much is a personal knife goingto cost me?" "Two bags of

coffee, come back a little lateron in the day." I said, "What if

the riot jumps off before I getthe knife?" He said, "That ainít

my business, that's on you." Isaid, "Cool, Cece." So

I wait three or four hours and Iknew he was working on my knife

because I was down the cell andI heard [inaudible] on the

ground. I said, "Yeah my knifegonna be sharper than a

motherfucker." Cause I'm hearingit, I'm hearing it. I'm like,

"Yeah, I can't wait." And I'mpracticing in my cell how I'm

gonna use my knife.. practicingmy shit. So then this

dude named Mitch say, "Hey, yougetting your knife?" I say,

"Yeah, Cece working on myknife." He said, "What kind of

knife you get?" I said, "Whatthe fuck is all the knife

questions?" I said, "I got me anice, little knife, it's long. I

can hit two, three people." Hesaid, "Man, you need more than

that." I said, "What I neednow?" He said, "You need to know

about how to fight in the riot."I said, "How you fight in the

riot?" He said, "Mexicans got onboots, this is the reason why

they have on boots. So they cankick you in this fucking shin

while you're fighting. Boots aremade out of metal; it's a metal

tip boot. So you got to dothis.." This is Mitch

this is in my cell teaching mehow to be in a riot. "Look,

first of all, when you get outthere, stay close to the wall

'cause motherfuckers gonna betrying to stab you." I said,

"Thatís pretty much what a riotis." So he's like.. I got that

part off the top, that's why I'mgetting the knife. Okay. So he

say, "Youíre going to have to doa rock and lean." I said, "What

the fuck is a rock and lean?""Mexicans gonna come out there,

they're going to have theirknives, you're going to have to

have your shirt off with yourknife and when you do this

you're going to have to rock tosee what foot the Mexican is

gonna kick you with." I said,"This is too much, this is too

much." It's like a fuckedchoreographed dance; I don't

know what the fuck he's doing.So I'm waiting to get

my knife, I'm in there fakerocking, trying to see what foot

gonna come up. How they do thatwhen you ain't even in the

fucking riot yet, I don't know,but I'm out there practicing. I

go back to Cece, I say, "Yo,Cece, I gotta go to the wreck

yard, shit look like it's gonnaget live, I need my knife." He

said, "Man, I just sold yourknife." I said, "Man, what the

fuck, Cece? You said it was apersonal knife for me; it cost

two bags of coffee. Why it's notfucking personal no more?" He

said, "Man, it was personal.Then the dude came in with three

bags of coffee and he made itbusiness." I said, "So you sold

my knife?" He said, "Yeah, soldyour knife." I said,

"The riot about to jump off.""Hey, man, do what you can do."

So, moral of the story how itend up, I fucking get cut cause

I ain't had a fucking knife andI forgot the rock. I'm out there

rocking with no knife. I've beenpracticing this shit for two

hours. Rock. I'm not gettingkicked, but I'm getting cut. I

got cut down my side from aMexican who didn't even have on

boots.