Burr, Gaffigan, Yannetty, Birbiglia

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 05/05/2004

Bill Burr questions guys who kill their wives, Jim Gaffigan shares thoughts on his appearance, and Joe Yannetty gives his audience a lesson in California living.

HEY, WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESEGUYS KILLING THEIR WIVES NOW?

NO, LIKE EVERY COUPLE OFWEEKS IN THE NEWS.

YOU SEE THAT (BLEEP).DUDES KILLING THEIR WIVES.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.FIRST OF ALL,

WHY WOULD YOU KILL ANOTHERPERSON AND SECOND OF ALL,

DON'T THEY THINK THEWHOLE THING THROUGH?

LIKE HOW THE WHOLE THING'SGONNA PLAY OUT?

LIKE, I'M GONNA KILL MY WIFE,THEN I'M GONNA GET CAUGHT,

THEN I'M GONNA GO TO JAIL,THEN I'M GONNA GET (BLEEP)EDIN THE ASS.

I LIKE THE BEGINNING, 'CAUSESHE'S KINDA BEEN A PAIN INTHE ASS LATELY.

DO THEY THINK THEY'RE GONNAGET AWAY WITH IT?

IT'S LIKE, DUDE YOU'RE NOT GONNAGET AWAY WITH IT, YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU'RE NOT A CRIMINAL;YOU'RE JUST A (BLEEP)ING GUY.

YOU WORK AT A STAPLES.JUST LIKE ONE DAY,

YOU'RE JUST...YOU KNOW WHATI'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA (BLEEP)INGKILL MY WIFE.

NO, AND IT'S ALMOSTLIKE THEY WING IT.

'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS (BLEEP) ITUP, THEY GET BLOOD ALL OVERTHE PLACE.

THEN THEY HACK UP THE BODY,THEY THROW IT OUT

AND IT ALWAYS COMES BACK 'CAUSETHEY NEVER DO IT RIGHT.

NO, YOU GOTTA (BLEEP)UP THE TORSO.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY'S-WHAT? NOBODY, WHAT?

DUDE IF YOU WATCHED ANY OFTHAT A&E (BLEEP)

OR, HOW MANY TIMES ON THE NEWSDO YOU GOTTA SEE...

A HEADLESS TORSO WAS FOUNDFLOATING IN THE BAY...

THAT'S A GUY. THAT'S JUST A GUY.WHAT ARE YOU GONNA JUST SHOW UP

TO THE PICNIC PEOPLE, HEY,WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?

OH, I THOUGHT SHE WASWITH YOU...

WAIT IS THISPOTATO SALAD?

AS A MAN THE NUMBER ONETHING YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO AVOID IN LIFE IS GETTING(BLEEP)ED IN THE ASS AND

THIS GUY HAS JUST LAID THEGROUNDWORK...

FOR THIS TO HAPPEN NIGHTAFTER NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.

UNTIL ONE DAY BY THE GRACE OFGOD SOMEBODY STICKS YA...

AND THAT'S ACTUALLY A GREATMOMENT IN YOUR LIFE,

WHEN YOU GET THAT ICE PICKMADE OUT OF A TOOTHBRUSHJABBED INTO YA,

THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD DAY ATTHAT POINT.

YA KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST(BLEEP)ING DIVORCE HER?

JUST GIVE HER HALF YOUR CDS,PACK UP YOUR CLOTHES.

I MEAN IS THAT SO DIFFICULT?

WE'RE DOWN IN MEXICO...IT'S FOR A BACHELOR PARTY...

SO WE GO INTO A MEXICAN STRIPCLUB AND IT'S VERY DARK

AND MURKY IN THERE AND I'M NOTREALLY WANTING TO PARTICIPATE,

AND THEN MY BUDDY GIVES ME20,000 PESOS, FORCES ME IN...

UHH, ROUGHLY 19 DOLLARS,FOR A PRIVATE DANCE.

AND SO I GO BACK WITH THISWOMAN DOWN A MURKY HALLWAY...

AND SHE OPENS UP THE CURTAINAND THERE'S A VELVET ELVIS

ON THE WALL WITH THE EYES CUTOUT, SOME WEIRD SORT OF,

QUALITY ASSURANCE PROGRAMTHEY'RE RUNNING IN THERE.

THEN SHE'S GOT A-A RECLINERTHEY PULLED OFF THE STREET

WITH DUCT TAPE ON IT,GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE,

A BLOODY PIPE ON THE FLOOR; IT'SLIKE A THIRD WORLD GAME OF CLUE.

AND PERSONALLY, I THINK ITWAS THE JELL-O SHOT GIRL

WITH THE SHARP CHURROIN THE DJ BOOTH,

BUT THAT'S JUST ME ANDEVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR THEORIES.

ANYWAY, SO SHE SAYS, "GO AHEAD,SIT DOWN, RELAX, I'M GONNA MAKE

YOU REALLY HORNY." I SAID, WELLNO OFFENSE, BUT I DON'T THINK I

CAN GET THE BEST WOOD WHENI THINK I'M GONNA DIE,

IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN. ANDTHEN WITH OUT MISSING A BEAT,

THESE LADIES ARE ALL BUSYSHE GOES, "GO AHEAD, TAKE OUTYOUR DONG."

I'M NOT TAKING OUTMY DONG, AND BY THE WAY,

WHO USES THE WORD DONG? OKAY,UH.. IF YOU WANNA BE HIP TO THELINGO,

THEY'RE NOT REALLY USING THEWORD DONG UP IN THE STATES.

THEN SHE GETS A LITTLEFRUSTRATED, SHE SAYS,

"LOOK AT MY BEAVER." SHE STARTSCOMMANDING ME TO LOOK AT HERBEAVER,

RIGHT AND BEING REALLY MEANABOUT IT TOO YOU KNOW,

"LOOK AT MY BEAVER...LOOK AT MY BEAVER!"

AND THIS IS ME CURLED UPIN THE CORNER GOING,

NOOO, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ATYOUR BEAVER, I HATE IT...

WHAT HAPPENED,WHAT HAPPENED?

"LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT MY BEAVER,LOOK AT MY BEAVER."

I WENT TO A DANCE CLUB THEOTHER DAY, WHICH IS TIMELY

BECAUSE MY SELF-ESTEEM HADBEEN HOVERING AROUND NORMAL.

AND I'VE BEEN MEANING TO KNOCKIT DOWN TO NEGATIVE A THOUSAND.

EVERYONE TRIES TO GET YOUTO DANCE AT THE CLUBS,

ESPECIALLY WOMEN.THEY'RE LIKE...YOU GOTTA DANCE!

YOU GOTTA DANCE! AND THEN IDANCE AND THEY'RE LIKE,NOT LIKE THAT!

IT'S SUCH AN ODD ASSORTMENTOF PEOPLE AT THE CLUBS...

YOU'VE GOT LIKE SKEEZY GUYSHITTING ON SKEEZY WOMEN...

BUT THEN YOU'VE ALSO GOT THESECLUB KIDS WITH LIKE GLOW STICKS

AND KNEEPADS AND THEY'RELICKING THE WALLS,DOING CARTWHEELS.

AND THEN THERE'S LIKEFIVE GUYS LIKE ME

IN THE CORNER LOOKING ATEACH OTHER, LIKE...

I DON'T EVEN KNOWHOW I GOT HERE.

DO YOU HAVE ANYEXTRA KNEEPADS?

AND THIS GIRL OFFEREDME E AT THE CLUB,

AND SHE'S LIKE...YOU EVER DONE E?

AND I WAS LIKE...I WATCH E!

SO, UH, THIS GIRL, SHE'SON E AND SHE'S LIKE...

YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE I DRINKENOUGH WATER CAUSE I COULD DIE.

I WAS LIKE; I DON'T EVEN WANTTO BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.

NOW I'M LIKE THE PARAMEDICFOR THE EVENING?

THEN I'M THINKING, WHAT HAPPENSIF SHE DOES DIE?

THAT'S AN AWKWARD CONVERSATIONWITH HER PARENTS.

I'M REALLY SORRYABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER,

I TOLD HER I'D MAKE SURESHE DRANK ENOUGH WATER,BUT I TOTALLY SPACED.

WHAT DO I SAY ABOUT HER,I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER,

I'M LIKE...SHE LOVED E!

AND SHE HATED WATER!

I'D LIKE TO TALK A LITTLE BITABOUT CHINESE BUFFETS.

I-I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THISNEW DEVELOPMENT BUT I'M NOTALLOWED ANYMORE.

THEY ALL HAVE MY PICTURE WITHA BIG SLASH THROUGH IT.

"NO BUFFET! BUFFET NOT FOR YOU,YOU ORDER FROM MENU.YOU ORDER A-WA-CART."

A-LA-CARTE, YES.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT THOUGH;WITH CHINESE FOOD YOU GETHUNGRY AGAIN.

WHY IS THAT? AND IT'S ADIFFERENT KIND OF HUNGER,

YOU GO FROM FULL TO STARVING.NOTHING IN BETWEEN.

YOU GO: "OH MY GOD I CAN'TBELIEVE I ATE ALL THATCHOW MEIN."

HEY LOOK THEY BROUGHT EGG ROLLS."TWO PLEASE."

I MUST SAY, THE OWNER WAS ALITTLE RUDE;

I MEAN HE'D COME OUTEVERY HOUR.

WHY YOU HERE FOUR HOUR?YOU NO COME HERE ANYMORE.

WHY YOU HAVE SPARE RIB, YOUSO BIG. EAT VEGETABLE.

EAT BROCCOLI. YOU SCARE MY WIFE.YOU GO NOW!

I WENT TO A GRAND OPENING OFA CHINESE BUFFET;

I GOT A FLYER IN THE MAIL ANDIT SAID "GRAND OPENING."

AND I GO THERE WITH A COUPLEOF LARGE MAMMAL FRIENDS...

AND THE OWNER MEETS USAT THE DOOR.

WE CLOSED.

IT SAYS GRAND OPENING, PAL.

NO, WE CLOSED.

NO BUFFET HERE,WE DRY CLEAN NOW.

I DO YOUR JACKET, READY FRIDAY,NOW GO. YOU CAUSE TROUBLE.

MY FAVORITE TEACHERS WERE ALWAYSTHE ART TEACHERS. YA KNOW?

I ALWAYS LOVED ART TEACHERS.BECAUSE THEY WERE SO BIZARRE.

RIGHT? THEY WERE LIKE THEHOMELESS PEOPLE OF THE FACULTY.

RIGHT? ALL DISHEVELED, WEARINGSMOCKS, COVERED IN PAINT.

ALWAYS LIKE, DIGGING THROUGHTHE GARBAGE LOOKING FOR BOTTLESAND EGG CARTONS AND THINGS.

ALL DISORGANIZED, ALWAYSMAKING ANNOUNCEMENTS

WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY OUTTHE DOOR ALREADY.

PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, LISTENUP, PEOPLE. GET HIM.

IF ANY OF YOUR NEIGHBORSOR RELATIVES

HAVE ANY PAPER TOWEL ROLLS,START BRINGING 'EM IN.

BRING 'EM IN. WE'RE GONNA BEMAKING VASES FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

VASES!

THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE FREAKINGMCGUYVER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

AN EGG CARTON BECOMES ABOUQUET OF FLOWERS.

AND IT ALWAYS BACKFIRED ON MEBECAUSE AROUND MOTHERS DAY,

MY MOM WOULD GET ALL DEPRESSEDAND START YELLING AT US,

HOW WE WERE SELFISH, ANDONLY THOUGHT OF OURSELVES.

WHICH ONLY MADE IT WORSECAUSE THEN YOU HAD TO WHIP OUTTHE PAPER TOWEL ROLL.

UH UH, YOU WERE SAYING?

AND I BELIEVE THIS PASTANECKLACE IS YOURS TOO.

I LOVE YA, MA.NOW PUT ON THE RIGATONI.

LOOK AT THE CANADIAN FLAG,IT IT'S NOT A SYMBOL OF POWER,IT'S A LEAF.

OH, DON'T SCREW WITH CANADA...THEY'LL DRY UP AND BLOW AWAY.

CANADA SHOULD JUST ATTACKANOTHER COUNTRY;

MAN NO ONE WOULDSEE THAT COMING.

GREATEST COUPIN MILITARY HISTORY.

LAY LOW FOR 275 YEARSTHEN ATTACK ... TURKEY.

JUST SHOW UP, GUESS WHATWE'RE TAKIN' IT

... AND WE'RE CALLING ITCHICKEN YOU (BLEEP).

AND YOU GOTTA EXERCISE,JOIN A GYM,

YOU GOTTA LIKE GO A LOT FORIT TO WORK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THESEGAY GUYS DO IT.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

EVERY GAY GUY I KNOW IS BUILTLIKE A BODY BUILDER,

WHEN DID THAT START HAPPENING?

IT'S TOTALLY GONNA CHANGETHE STEREOTYPE, RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIKE, DO YOU THINKTHAT GUY'S GAY?

IS HE A LITTLE, YAKNOW, IS HE GAY?

OH YEAH, HE BENCHESLIKE 450 POUNDS.

WOW THAT IS REALLYGAY, 450?

THAT IS LIKE THE GAYESTGUY I'VE EVER HEARD OF.

PEOPLE BE ALL PROUD OF THEIRKIDS, LOOK AT THIS KID,

HE'S GONNA GROW UPTO BE A LINEBACKER,

MAN, HE'S BUILT LIKE A GAY GUY.LOOK AT HIM.

LOOK AT THE SHOULDERS ON THISKID, JUST LIKE A GAY GUY.

I'M BALD...BLIND...AND PALE.

I'M LIKE A GIGANTICRECESSIVE GENE.

IT'S THE FIRST THINGPEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT ME.

I COULD BE SKIPPING DOWNBROADWAY, JUGGLING DILDOS;

THEY'LL GO LIKE, HEY LOOK ATHOW PALE HE IS.

HMM REMINDS ME,WE NEED MILK.

I CAN'T WEAR SHORTS, WHEN I WEARSHORTS PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

HEY I'M TRYING TO EAT HEREBUDDY,

AND YOU GOT THOSESAUSAGE LEGS...

IT STINKS CAUSE PEOPLE THINKYOU'RE UNAWARE OF IT.

YOU'RE GOING TO JAMAICA?YOU SHOULD WEAR SUNSCREEN.

OH REALLY I'VE NEVERBEEN OUTSIDE.

SHOULD I WIPE MY ASS WITHA RAKE, I'M A MORON.

ALL SUMMER LONG, THERE'SALWAYS ONE PERSON COMING

TO ME...ALL SUMMER.DO YOU TAN?

DO YOU TA- DO I LOOKLIKE I TAN?

THAT'S LIKE GOING UP TO AHOMELESS PERSON AND GOING,

HEY DO YOU VACATION IN EUROPE?

WHAT WOULD BE A GOODHOUSEWARMING GIFT?

I'M GOING BALD.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, THERE'S NOBOOST TO THE EGO QUITE LIKE

THE ONE YOU GET FROM PUTTINGSUNSCREEN ON THE TOP OFYOUR HEAD.

OH YEAH LADIES...HERE I COME.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

THAT'S SPF 45ON MY CABEZA.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

OH YEAH.

I LIKE TO THINK BALDING ISSIMPLY GOD'S WAY OF SAYING,

NOW LET'S SEE YOUGET LAID, EH?

HEY JESUS GET DOWN HERE, LOOK ATTHIS SACK OF (BLEEP) STRUGGLE.

ISN'T THAT CUTE, HE'SGRABBING PORNOGRAPHY.

LET'S HAVE SOME HAIR GROWOUT OF HIS EARS FOR NOW.

I'M BALD...BLIND...AND PALE.

I'M LIKE A GIGANTICRECESSIVE GENE.

IT'S THE FIRST THINGPEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT ME.

I COULD BE SKIPPING DOWNBROADWAY, JUGGLING DILDOS;

THEY'LL GO LIKE, HEY LOOK ATHOW PALE HE IS.

HMM REMINDS ME,WE NEED MILK.

I CAN'T WEAR SHORTS, WHEN I WEARSHORTS PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

HEY I'M TRYING TO EAT HEREBUDDY,

AND YOU GOT THOSESAUSAGE LEGS...

IT STINKS CAUSE PEOPLE THINKYOU'RE UNAWARE OF IT.

YOU'RE GOING TO JAMAICA?YOU SHOULD WEAR SUNSCREEN.

OH REALLY I'VE NEVERBEEN OUTSIDE.

SHOULD I WIPE MY ASS WITHA RAKE, I'M A MORON.

ALL SUMMER LONG, THERE'SALWAYS ONE PERSON COMING

TO ME...ALL SUMMER.DO YOU TAN?

DO YOU TA- DO I LOOKLIKE I TAN?

THAT'S LIKE GOING UP TO AHOMELESS PERSON AND GOING,

HEY DO YOU VACATION IN EUROPE?

WHAT WOULD BE A GOODHOUSEWARMING GIFT?

I'M GOING BALD.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, THERE'S NOBOOST TO THE EGO QUITE LIKE

THE ONE YOU GET FROM PUTTINGSUNSCREEN ON THE TOP OFYOUR HEAD.

OH YEAH LADIES...HERE I COME.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

THAT'S SPF 45ON MY CABEZA.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

OH YEAH.

I LIKE TO THINK BALDING ISSIMPLY GOD'S WAY OF SAYING,

NOW LET'S SEE YOUGET LAID, EH?

HEY JESUS GET DOWN HERE, LOOK ATTHIS SACK OF (BLEEP) STRUGGLE.

ISN'T THAT CUTE, HE'SGRABBING PORNOGRAPHY.

LET'S HAVE SOME HAIR GROWOUT OF HIS EARS FOR NOW.