Mercury Poisoning

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 03/04/2014

George and Gil's excessive tuna eating comes back to haunt them, two Pennsylvanian pawn shop owners switch places, and Dr. Armond consults with public defender Ron Funches.

- HI.- HI.

- WE WANTED TO PURCHASEA PLANE.

- AN AIRPLANE?- YES.

IT'S JUST THAT WE INVITEDAXL ROSE AND TYRESE

ONTO OUR PLANE,AND THEY DID SOME "DERMAGE."

- YAR.

- WELL, I'M SO SORRY TO HEARABOUT YOUR PLANE,

BUT WE DON'T SELL WHOLE PLANES.WE JUST SELL SEATS.

- OKAY, LET US PURCHASE TWOFIRST-CLASS TICKETS, PLEASE,

TO DUBAI.- DUBAI.

- WE NEED TO GETTO THE DUBAI FILM FESTIVAL.

- MM-HMM.- WE'VE GOT A SHORT-SUB DOC

ABOUT THE PLIGHTOF THE IRAQI PEOPLE

WHO LIVE IN BEVERLY HILLS.

- OKAY, WELL, I HAVEONE FLIGHT LEFT OUT TO DUBAI.

IT LEAVES IN AN HOURAND A HALF.

AND I HAVE TWO SEATSAVAILABLE

IN COACH.

[dramatic crescendo]- OKAY.

- I MEAN, IT'S IRONICTHAT WE'RE FLYING COACH

TO THE MIDDLE EAST,

BECAUSE I "DERFINITELY"FEEL LIKE A MARTYR.

- OH, MY GOOBERS.WHAT IS THIS?

OH...- WE FORGOT THAT WE HAVE TO

GO THROUGH SECURITY.

- I'M SORRY,DO WE STILL HAVE TO DO THIS

IF WE KNOW GOD IS DEAD?

- YOU KNOW WHAT, WENDALLS?WE'VE GOTTA GET RID

OF A FEW THINGS.- YEAH.

OKAY...WHALE AMBIEN.

- YOU CAN TAKE THAT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT'S IN THE SHAPEOF A CRESCENT MOON.

IT WOULD BE RESPECTFUL.

BYE-BURR.

- FUN GUN.- NOW, WAIT.

IS THAT OUR ACTUAL GUN,OR IS THAT GUN WE USE

TO SHOOT SCHNEEFRIGHT INTO OUR BLOODSTREAM?

- NO, THIS IS SUPER HEAVY.I THINK IT'S REAL.

- YEAH, THIS IS REAL.- BYE.

- BURR-BURR.[gunshot]

- ORIGINAL COSTUMES FROMTHE MOTION PICTURE DICK TRACY.

- NO, KEEP THOSE.

BOO-YAKA-SHAH.

- OMG!

- HEY, TOM THANKS,LET'S DO A FORREST BUMP.

- MMM.- [snorts]

[coughs]OOH...

- AHH!SCHNEEF. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER.

- [chuckles]THE OTHER WHITE SCHNEEF.

- OOH.- OKAY, REST IN SCHNEEF.

I'M GOOD.

- HELLO, GENTLEMEN.

I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOUYOU ARE SITTING

IN AN EMERGENCY EXIT ROW.

ARE YOU WILLINGAND ABLE TO ASSIST

IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY?

- YAR. YAR.

- CAN YOU OPERATETHE EMERGENCY DOOR?

- UHHHH...[both laugh]

- CAN YOU OPERATETHE EMERGENCY DOOR?

- AAH!

- JUST A "YES."

- DEFINITELY.- TURTALLY.

[both laughing]- I'M SORRY?

- DEFINITELY.- TURTALLY.

- SAY YES.- YARN!

- DOES--DOES THAT MEAN YES?- YEAH.

- THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE.- WELCOME TO THE 'BURGH.

- WITH TWO EVEN BIGGERPERSONALITIES.

- I'M MURPH,OWNER AND OPERATOR

SOUTH PHILLY MURPH'SPAWN SHOP ON SOUTH STREET.

HERE IN PHILLY,I GOT ALL THE BUSINESS

AND WOMEN I CAN HANDLE.[tires screech]

- IF YOU'RE LOOKING FORSOMETHING STEELERS,

PIRATES, PENGUINS,WE GOT ALL THAT CRAP

DOWN AT DON'S PAWN.

OH, THAT'S GOOD AS HELL.

WELCOME...- WELCOME...

TO PAWNSYLVANIA.

- YOU'RE COMING BY TOMORROW

TO PICK UP THEM LAUNDRIES,AREN'T YOU, ANYWAY?

- OH, YEAH, I GOTTA GETTHEM LAUNDRIES.

[phone ringing]- HELLO?

- MURPH. DON.

- WHAT'S UP, DON?YOU WANT ADVICE

ON HOW TO WINA WORLD SERIES?

- PBBBT. NO, I'M CALLINGTO GIVE YOU ADVICE

ON HOW TO WIN ONE SUPER BOWL...EVER.

- I GOT A PAWN SHOPTO RUN HERE, DON.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOWANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

LISTEN, JAGGOFF,I GOT A WHOLE TREASURE TROVE

OF PHILLY MAGAZINES, OKAY?

ONE OF 'EM'S GOT A PICTUREOF DARREN DAULTON IN A TUX

EATING A HOTDOG.

- THAT ONE WHERE HE GOTTHE MUSTARD ON HIS FACE?

- YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

- OH, THAT WOULD MOVE HEREFOR SURE.

[baseball music]

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,I GET THEM SLACKS WORN

BY JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMMEIN THAT MOVIE SUDDEN DEATH.

[exciting music]

- DOUBLE YOI!A PITTSBURGH CLASSIC.

- EVERY PIECE OF [bleep]'SA CLASSIC IN PITTSBURGH.

- [laughs]

- WELL, I GOT SOMETHINGI COULD SELL THERE.

YOU GOT SOMETHINGYOU COULD SELL HERE.

- YEAH? WHAT OF IT?

- [whispers]SWAP SHOPS.

- DON, I JUST HADA HOME RUN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE SWAP SHOPS?

- SOUNDS GOOD.

POOKIE?- YEAH.

- I'M PHILLY-BOUND.

WILL YOU PACK MEA CHIP-CHOP HAM SANDWICH?

BUT CAN'T AFFORDTHE LEGAL EXPENSES?

- HI, I'M RON FUNCHES.

JUST TO BE CLEAR,I AM A PUBLIC DEFENDER.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."WHY DOES A PUBLIC DEFENDER

NEED A COMMERCIAL?"

THE BAD NEWS ISYOU'RE GOING TO BE CONVICTED.

- GUILTY!- WE TRIED.

AND IF I'M RANDOMLY SELECTEDTO BE YOUR LAWYER,

I'LL BRING YOU A NICE BOXOF MY AUNT SANDI'S

PECAN SANDIES.

[cell phone rings]

GUESS MY WORK'S NEVER DONE.

I HAVE TO GO MEETWITH A NEW CLIENT.

OR SHOULD I SAY FRIEND?

- MY WIFE IS DEAD.I'VE LOST ALL MY MONEY.

I CAN NO LONGER AFFORDMY HIGH-POWERED ATTORNEY,

AND EVERYONE'S ABANDONED ME--THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

- PECAN SANDIE?

- I'M MORE OF A MINTMILANO MAN MYSELF, BUT--

- SO YOU KILLED YOUR WIFE?

- I NEVER LAID A HANDON MY WIFE,

EXCEPT ON OCCASIONALSPECIAL EVENINGS.

- [laughs]- [chuckles weakly]

IT FEELS REALLY GOODTO LAUGH.

- YOU LOOK LIKE A HIGHLIGHTER.

- AND YOU LOOK LIKE A HAIRYCHOCOLATE GUMMI BEAR.

- [laughs]

- I GOTTA TELL YOU,MR. FUNCHES,

WE'RE GONNA LAUGH ALL THE WAYTO NOT GOING TO JAIL.

- EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT GUILTY,I'M GONNA TAKE THE CASE.

- DO YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN THAT?- NO.

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE A PUBLICDEFENDER.

- YEAH.

- DR. ARMOND, PLEASE RISE.

YOU STAND HERE ACCUSEDOF MURDER IN THE SECOND DEGREE.

HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

- GUILTY...OF LOVING MY WIFE.

- [laughs]

[upbeat wrap-up music]

both: OH, HELLO.

- OKAY, SO, GIL--

SO I LOOKED OVERYOUR CHART--

- OF COURSE,I'M GIL FAIZON.

- AND I'M GEORGE ST. GEEGLANDHIS ASSOCIATE.

- SO I LOOKED OVER YOUR CHART,AND YOU HAVE MERCURY POISONING.

- THANK YOU.- NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU HAVE HIGH LEVELSOF MERCURY IN YOUR BLOOD,

WHICH IS A VERY TOXIC POISON.

- AND THAT'S WHATFREDDIE MERCURY DIED OF?

- NO, HE DIED OF AIDS.

- RIGHT.HE WAS POISONED BY IT.

SO IT WAS MERCURY'SPOISONING.

- NO, ACTUALL--- WE'RE SAYING THE SAME THING.

- CAN I ASK YOU ABOUTSOME OF YOUR SYMPTOMS?

ARE YOU FEELING FATIGUE?- YEAH.

- MUSCLE WEAKNESS?- YEAH.

- OKAY, ANY PEELING SKIN?- YEAH, IT PEELS RIGHT OFF.

- LIKE WALLPAPER.

- WELL, THESE ARE ALL SYMPTOMSOF MERCURY POISONING, SO...

- I DON'T UNDERSTANDHOW YOU COULD HAVE THIS.

YOU JUST GOT A CLEAN BILLOF HEALTH.

- YEAH. I JUST WENT THROUGHA DOCTORS CHECKUP.

- WHO WAS THE PHYSICIAN?

- ABOUT A MONTH AGO,I SAW DR. WONG.

- LOU WONG. YEAH.

- IS THAT YOUR PRIMARYPHYSICIAN?

- HE WAS THE PRIMARY SUSPECTIN A BOTCHED C-SECTION.

- YEAH.- SO HE DIDN'T DO

ANY BLOOD WORKOR ANYTHING?

- LOU WONG?- NO, NO, NO.

HE WAS WAVING A GUN AROUNDAND SCREAMING.

RACE RIOT THIS, RACE RIOT THAT.- YEAH.

- I'M GONNA PRESCRIBEA SUPPLEMENT FOR YOU

OF SELENIUM,AND I WOULD RECOMMEND

THAT YOU STOP EATINGALL FISH.

- I MEAN, I EAT A LITTLE BITOF TUNA FISH.

- OCCASIONALLY TUNA FISH.- OCCASIONALLY.

- OKAY, OCCASIONALLY.

UM, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- I DON'T KNOW,I DON'T HAVE MORE THAN

THREE DOLLOPS OF TUNA,YOU KNOW, PER MEAL.

- TWO, THREE ICE CREAMSCOOP'S WORTH?

- YEAH. I MEAN, ABOUTA "HANDSFUL" IS ONE DOLLOP.

- YOU HAVE THREE MEALSOF TUNA FISH PER DAY?

- YOU GOTTA EAT BREAKFAST,LUNCH, AND DINNER, DON'T YOU?

- THREE SQUARES, OR ROUNDS,IF YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT TUNA DOLLOPS.- OKAY.

- I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEENEATING TOO MUCH TUNA.

- OKAY. I RECOMMENDTHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY

STOP EATING TUNA ALTOGETHER.

- I DON'T THINKTHAT'S TOO MUCH TUNA.

- WELL, IT--IT IS.

- I'VE BEEN EATING...TOO MUCH TUNA.

[clears throat]- UH-OH.

- OH, WHAT COULD THIS BE?- WHAT IS THIS?

- WHAT'S THIS?

- WHAT IS THE MEANINGOF THIS?

- WHAT'S THAT?

- IT'S A VERY OLD SANDWICH.

- YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRANKED.- YOU IDIOT.

YOU STUPID BITCH.

THERE'S A SANDWICHON YOUR DESK NOW.

TOO MUCH TUNA.

[orchestral wind up]

- RIGHT. WELL, BESIDESIT BEING MERCURY POISONING,

IT'S ACTUALLY FOOD POISONINGBECAUSE

THAT MAYONNAISE SEEMS WARM.

- I MEAN,THE MAYONNAISE IS CURDLED,

BUT HE'S BUILT UPA TOLERANCE.

- WELL, IT DOESN'T SMELL GOOD.

- IT'S TURNING, ISN'T IT?- YEAH. AND I HAVE--

- PLUS, I SWITCHED OFF THE A.C.WHEN I CAME IN.

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