Dan Soder

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 05/03/2013

Dan Soder suspects millennials ruin everything with gentrification and too many abbreviations.

I'm 29, now.

Not for the sake of the joke.

I just actually am 29at this... this moment.

Which sucks. 29 sucks.

No one tells youit's gonna suck.

Like, people in their 30sand 40s complain.

And they should.

'Cause their livesare almost over, so...

So go ahead and die.

I need walking room.

(scattered applause)

Uh, no. You shouldn't.

You shouldn't applaud.

That's everyonein their 20s, like,

"(bleep) you.

Eat a dick."

(laughs)

No, 29 sucks,because 29's the end of fun

without being judged for it.

At 29, you and your"fun friends"

stop partying and start...

having "addictions."

That's what they call it.

Can't get drunk on a Mondaywithout raising some eyebrows.

That's bullshit.

It's just weird to me

that thingsthat in my early 20s

that used tomake me cool, now...

make people nervous.

I used to get drunkbefore class in college.

Everyone was like,"This guy is (bleep) awesome.

"He's hammeredbefore Intro to Roman Lit.

That's an 8:00 a.m. class."

Now, if I get drunk before work,everyone's like, "Hey.

(sighs heavily)

"Are you cool?

You need to talk?"

"No. I'm still awesome."

"No. No, you're not.

"You're almost homeless.

That's what you are."

I think drinking gets...

I know drinking is...

If you do it too much,it is a bad thing.

But it, also, at the same time,is a good thing.

I thinkyou understand life better

if you get shit-facedall the time.

(crowd cheering)

Everyone that clapped

will be in a program in here.

"Yeah!

"Programs!

Finding God, getting chips."

I'd rather just try to banga 47-year-old mother of three

that can tell mewhat Zeppelin's like live.

Like, that's what I want.

Stories.

History.

I like older wo--you can talk to older women.

You can have deep conversationswith older women.

You can't talk to young girls.

They change language.

They (bleep) upthe English language.

They started abbreviatingall of their words.

It's a real thing now.

I heard a girl once go,"Oh, that's delish."

Where's the rest of that word?

You know how confusing that is?

To be at a bar,

having a decent conversation with a girl,

then she randomly turnsto her friend and she's like,

"I just got back from va-cay.

It was totes ab fab."

What?

Did you have a brain injury?Why are...

Why are you talking like that?

If that girl keeps that up,20 years from now,

all of her conversationsare gonna be like...

(speaks gibberish)

"SoHo."

And by the way, that is

just me doing Jabba the Huttin a bimbo voice.

That's all.

(imitates Jabba the Hutt)

That's all that is.

(crowd whooping)

All right.

Let's calm down.

It's affordable.

Six weeks ago,I spotted a hipster.

If you don't knowabout hipsters,

what they are is,

they're the human versionof bedbugs.

(cheering)

If you see one, there's probably40 more under your bed.

Judging your music.

A lot of people hate hipsters.

I don't.

I respect them.

'Cause they move into the mostdangerous neighborhoods...

and force everybody out.

It's...

That's some gangster shit.

It's actually just white peoplebeing white people,

that's all it is.

We've been doing itfor centuries.

They're even starting to looklike old Spanish conquistadors

with their dumb mustaches.

Next thing you know,they're gonna start wearing

those metal helmets.

Carrying swords.

"I'm the dukeof the housing projects.

"Gluten-free cupcakesfor everyone.

"Bring me the firstStrokes album.

On vinyl!"

I just don't want themmessing up my neighborhood.

I love my neighborhood.

I have my favoritebarbecue restaurant.

I go there all the time.

I'm afraid hipsters are gonnamove in and change that.

I'm afraid one day,I'm gonna go in,

try to get some barbecue,

and behind the counter is gonnabe some kid in skinny jeans

and Buddy Holly glasses,

wearing a scarf even thoughit's (bleep) August.

He's gonna take one look at meand he's gonna be like, "Oh.

"We don't servebarbecue here anymore.

"All we serve is kale.

"Kale cakes,

"kale shakes...

"...and our waiters are cats,

"and we just put trayson their backs.

"So, if you want to order,put some catnip down.

"You're inMr. Nibbles's section.

(whispers):"He's a rescue.

Welcome to Kittens and Kale."

If you have a cause,good for you,

but don't bepretentious about it.

I read a news article recentlyabout a group

of animal rights activiststhat went and protested

a makeup factory, 'causethey said that this factory

was testing makeup on animals.

Which is (bleep) hilarious.

Are you serious?

Someone gets paidto put lipstick on a chimp?

Sign me up right now.

I'll quit comedy.

Work 100 hours a week.

You let me smoke weed at lunch,I won't even join a union.

Just chuckleand collect my check.

Why would you protestfactory workers?

Those guys don't makethe decisions.

They hate their job.

And on top of that,

they have to explain their jobto their friends.

Having a beer after work.

Everyone's like,"Doug, what's wrong?

Tough day?"

(sighs heavily)

"We tried the newMidnight Plum mascara

"on a chicken, and, um...

"...I don't think she likedthe way she looked.

It's gonna be a long weekat Revlon."

I'm just saying,my generation removed

all the threatening elementsof tattoos.

Like, when I see old peoplewith tattoos,

I immediately thinkof threatening things.

I'm like, "Oh, this old manhas been to war

or prison."

I see a young personwith tattoos,

I'm like, "I don't know.

"You're probably a vegan?

"Maybe a freelance blogger.

"You were definitelyin a failed band.

"That I know.

That I know for sure."

This is weird.I feel like,

we feel we're so important,and yet, we turn around

and treat older generationsin this country awful.

We do. We blatantlydisrespect our elders.

Because they can't keep upwith our technology.

We have all thisbrand-new technology

in the last ten years.

They don't know how to use it,

so we talk shitright to their face.

"You don't havea Gmail account, Grandma?

How do you not havea Gmail account?"

"I was bornduring the Great Depression?

I rememberwhen straws were invented?"

"My nana can't turn on an iPad.

Nana, how can you notturn on an iPad?"

"Hey, kid,

"I used to (bleep) a guythat killed Nazis.

Pretty sure my vaginachanged history, so..."

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