A TelAmerican Horror Story

  • 01/23/2013

Things get spooky when the guys discover a former employee may be haunting the office.

SO AWAKE.

SO AWAKE RIGHT NOW.

♪ LIVING LIFE

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?WHAT'D YOU SAY?

- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

- YEAH, TOTALLY.NO, I HEAR THAT.

- LET'S TALK SUPER MOON,MY LUNAR-TICS.

I'M THINKING WE COULD BLOCK OFF,LIKE, FIVE HOURS AND--

- FIVE HOURS?- GOOD CALL.

I WAS THINKING SIX MYSELF,JUST TO...

REALLY TAKE IT IN.

I'M EXCITED.- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'M VERY EXCITEDTO TAKE IT IN AS WELL.

I READON A WEBSITE LAST NIGHT,

THAT, UH, THE SUPER MOONIS A CATALYST

FOR PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.

AND THEN I READON ANOTHER WEBSITE

THAT A CATALYST IS, LIKE,

A WAY OF SAYINGTHAT IT, LIKE, HELPS IT.

- YEAH, NO, IT IS.

I WAS SUPPOSEDTO SEE THE LAST ONE.

BUT I GOT ADULT CHICKEN POX

AND WAS STUCKIN A BATHTUB ALL NIGHT

WITH INSTANT OATMEAL.

- APPLE-CINNAMON?- I WISH.

RAISINS AND SPICE.[all groaning]

BUT, THIS YEAR,I'M GONNA FLEX ON THIS MOON.

CHECK IT OUT.

GOT A TABLET COMPUTERWITH A MOON-TRACKER APP.

TOTALLY STATE OF THE ART.AND...

A ROB HUEBEL TELESCOPE,

SO I CAN PEEP THE CHEESE.

- SEE, CHECK IT OUT.

RIGHT HERE, WIKI SAYS,

"THOUSANDSOF UNSOLVED CHILD MURDERS,

EVERY SUPER MOON."

- EVEN WORSETHAN WHAT HE JUST SAID,

IT SAYS, "DOGS SUCKEACH OTHER'S MAGIC STICKS."

- WHAT THE--- OKAY, STOP IT.

IT'S NOT SAYING THOSE THINGS.YOU'RE MAKING 'EM UP.

- IT DOES SAY IT.IT'S WIKIPEDIA.

IT SAYSVERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

- NO. DOES NOT.- SAID THAT.

- YOU GUYS NEEDTO START APPRECIATING

THE WORLD'S NATURAL WONDERS.

I MEAN, IT'S GONNA BE

LIKE SEEING THE REDWOODSOR OLD FAITHFUL

OR THAT OLD ROCK WE FOUNDTHAT LOOKED LIKE A BOOB.

- ACTUALLY STILL HAVE THAT ROCK.

I WISH IT WERE SOFTER.

- WHY?

- SO I COULD [bleep] IT,ANDERS.

- ALL RIGHT, DERS,YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING.

YOU KEEP TALKINGABOUT NATURAL THINGS.

BUT I'M TALKINGABOUT SUPERNATURAL, GUYS.

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME STUFFTHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT

THAT NEVER HAPPENS!

LIKE MAYBE THE DEAD WILL RISE

OR, LIKE, THE EARTH WILLSTART ON FIRE OR SOMETHING.

- OR YOU'LL, LIKE,HAVE SEX WITH A GIRL

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

- OH, WOW!

BECAUSE YOUR PENISIS IN USE SO MUCH, ANDERS!

YOU'RE NOT HAVING SEXAS MUCH AS...

WE'RE TIED FOR ZERO,BASICALLY.

- HEY, GUYS.- OH! MM!

I'M NOT SCARED.DERS IS THOUGH.

HE'S IN HYSTERICS.WHAT A PUNK!

I'M NOT SCARED.

- SO I BET YOU GUYS ARE,UH, WONDERING

WHAT ALL THE RENOVATIONSARE ABOUT.

- NOPE.- NOT AT ALL.

- WELL, THE CREW CLEARED OUTTHE BASEMENT,

AND THERE'S SOMEPRETTY NIFTY ITEMS UP FOR GRABS.

[laughs]

BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP,BLOOP, BLOOP.

- I [bleep] LOVE TITS,YOU GUYS.

- DOES IT COME IN BLACK?

INK?

- WHOA!

EVERYWHERE YOU STAND,

DR. TELAMERICORP'S EYESFOLLOW YOU.

- [inhales]MM, I'M UP.

MM...

- OOH.

- OH, NOT SO FAST, SWEETHEART.

READ THE CAN.

DP TEN.

NOT FOR WOMEN.

- HEY, JILLIAN, SWEETHEART.- HMM?

- IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A PAINTING

TO HAVE HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES?

- OF COURSE, WHY?

- OH, THIS GUY KEEPS--- OH, NO.

WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?

- JILLIAN.

WHAT THE [bleep]IS THIS DOING IN HERE?

- I DON'T KNOW.I THREW IT OUT.

BUT I GUESS IT CAME BACK.

- PAINTINGS DON'T "COME BACK."

- YEAH, BUT CAN--CAN THEY COME OUT?

LIKE, OF THE CLOSET?

CAN THEY BE GAY?

- JUST PLEASE GET RID OF IT.

I DON'T EVER WANTTO SEE THAT PORTRAIT AGAIN.

- YEP.- WHAT'S UP WITH ALICE? HUH?

WHO'S THIS GUY?

- HE'S A VERY BAD MANWHO USED TO WORK HERE.

AND HE'S GONE,AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK.

- W-W-WAIT.

W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,HE'S A "BAD MAN"?

- I SHOULDN'T SAY.

BLAKE, JUST STOPASKING QUESTIONS.

- HEY, HEY.

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

DID HE MURDER SOMEBODY?

JILLIAN!OH, MY GOSH.

THAT DUDE DIED HERE, HUH?

JILLIAN.

JILLIAN, HEY, COME ON.YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD.

- BLAKE, THIS MAN IS NOTTO BE SPOKEN OF.

- HEY, WHY ARE YOU ACTINGSO WEIRD, HUH?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

THIS GUY KILL SOME KIDSIN THE BASEMENT OR SOMETHING?

- JUST DROP IT!I'VE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH!

- ALL RIGHT,GIVE ME THE PAINTING.

- NO, NO. DROP IT![electrical sizzling]

- OKAY, THAT WASTHE RENOVATIONS.

- [whispering]OR WAS IT?

IT IS JUST ABOUTSUPER MOON TIME.

- OH, MAN,I AM SORRY.

I HAVE WORK TO DO HERE.I CAN'T GO WITH YOU, BUDDY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?- DERS, YOU NAIVE LITTLE NERD.

COME ON, WE JUST UNEARTHEDTHE PORTRAIT

OF AN INFAMOUS CHILD MURDERER,DR. TELAMERICORP,

ON THE SAME EXACT NIGHTAS A SUPER MOON?

I'M GONNA GO AHEADAND FILE THAT UNDER

"THINGS THAT BLAKEWANTS TO CHECK OUT TONIGHT."

- [strained]YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE THERE'S GHOSTSIN THE OFFICE.

LIKE GHOSTS ARE JUSTFLYING ALL O--WHOA-HO!

THAT'S...BILL.

WHAT UP, DOG?

- WHAT'S UP, HOMIES?- YO.

- OF COURSE IT'S NOT A GHOST.GHOSTS DON'T EXIST.

NOW, CAN WE PLEASEJUST GATHER OURSELVES?

WE CAN GO UP TO THE ROOFAND WATCH THE SUPER MOON.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?TAKE ADAM WITH YOU.

IT'S FINE.HE'S TOO SCARED ANYWAYS.

THE, UH, THE SPIRITS,THEY FEED OFF FEAR.

- OKAY, LET'S GO.

- YEAH, HE'S LIKE A LITTLE

ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFETOVER THERE.

- [bleep] YOU!

[bleep] YOU, DUDE!

DERS.- YEAH?

- GO DO YOUR NERD STUFF.- WHAT?

- 'CAUSE I HAVE SOMETHINGTO PROVE TO THIS IDIOT.

- OKAY, NO MORE HBOFOR YOU.

YOU ARE CUSSINGWAY TOO MUCH LATELY.

- WHO'S IN HERE, HUH?

[screaming]HUH?

YOU COMIN' AT ME?

I AIN'T SCAREDOF NO GHOST.

I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU![distant moan]

WHO DID THAT?WHO DID THAT?

[laughing]

- WE'VE ALREADYSAID TOO MUCH!

- [sobbing]

[screaming]WHAT?

[baby crying]

- I'M THE MAIN OFFICE PRANKSTER.DID YOU MISS ME?

- I TEA-BAGGEDYOUR DEAD BODY.

OOH.

[distant screeching]

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!

[bell tolls]

[eerie music]

DR. TELAMERICORP.

OH, NO.

YOU WANT ME TO KILL MONTEZ,DON'T YOU?

THAT'S WHAT YOU'REDOING HERE, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT?I'LL DO IT.

- I'M HERETO HELP YOU SLEEP.

BUT YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP

UNTIL YOU SILENCETHE MUSIC.

LET NO ONESTAND IN YOUR WAY.

- WHY ME?

- BECAUSE,YOU'RE A STRONG BOY, ADAM.

MM-HMM.

STRONG LITTLE BOY.

- [child's voice]STRONG LITTLE BOY.

- OH, YEAH.SWEET MEAT FETUS, DUDE.

- THANK YOU.- LOOKS REAL AS HELL.

- YEAH, IT DOES,DOESN'T IT?

- YEAH, IF YOU COULD, UH,

JUST, LIKE, STAND HIM UPAND MAKE HIM LOOK ALIVE.

- YEAH. THAT SHOULD NOTBE A PROBLEM, DUDE.

I USED TO STAND UPARMIES OF ACTION FIGURES

AGAINST EACH OTHER.

DO THESE, LIKE, COOL WARS.- GREAT, GREAT.

- THERE WE GO.- THAT'S A COOL STORY.

- THANKS.OKAY. ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

SORRY, I USED TO HAVETHE SAME PROBLEM WHEN I WOULD

STAND THOSE ACTION FIGURES UPAGAINST EACH OTHER FOR WARS.

- WHATEVER, THAT'S FINE--I'MSURE SATAN DOESN'T REALLY CARE.

HERE WE GO.- [exhales]

- [moaning]

SPIRIT OF DR. TELAMERICORP!- YEAH.

- PLEASE ACCEPT THIS HUMBLESACRIFICE

OF A LIVE,SUPER MOONWALKING...

GINGER BEEF MAN!

- HAVE A NAMASTE.AMEN.

- [child's voice]SILENCE THE MUSIC.

- A-ADAM, WHAT--WHAT--

WHAT'S UP?WHAT'S WRONG?

- YEAH, ADAM,YOU LOVE PURE MOODS.

- DR. TELAMERICORPSPOKE TO ME.

AND HE WANTS YOU...

TO SILENCE THE MUSIC.

[screams]NOW!

[both shout]

- WHAT'S GOING ON, DUDE?

- ADAM'S BEEN POSSESSEDBY DR. TELAMERICORP!

- WHAT?- RUN!

- OH!- UH-OH.

- HURRY!FOLLOW ME!

- [grunting]

Loading...