Revenge, Getting Rich, Aching

  • 04/17/2014

Forrest seeks revenge on a classmate from middle school, attends a self-actualization seminar and struggles with the meaning of an incomprehensible request.

- I DECIDED TO PULL A PRANKTHAT WOULD REQUIRE

A MASTERFULLY SUBTLEAND CONVINCING PERFORMANCE.

[Italian accent]EXCUSE ME.

IS THIS THE CLASSROOMOF PROFESSORE ROMER?

- UH, YES.CAN I HELP YOU?

- YES,I'M FROM MORETTI'S DRY CLEANING,

AND I'M HERE TO DROP OFFYOUR UNDERWEARS.

[laughter]- I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CLASSROOM.PLEASE TRY THE BURSAR'S OFFICE.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, PROFESSORE.

I'M IN THE RIGHT CLASSROOM.

YOU REMEMBER, YOU DROP OFFA PAIR OF UNDERWEARS WITH US

THAT HAD THE BIGGEST POOP STAINON 'EM ANYBODY EVER SAW.

[laughter]- OKAY, NOW, LOOK.

THIS IS OBVIOUSLYSOME KIND OF A PRANK.

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT,THAT'S WHAT WE SAID

WHEN WE HAD A LOOKAT THESE UNDERWEARS.

WE SAID, "SOMEBODY'S TRYINGTO HAVE SOME KIND OF A PRANK."

BUT IT WAS THE TRUTH.

- AND--AND IT'SA STUPID PRANK TOO.

WHAT KIND OF DRY CLEANERWOULD HAND-DELIVER

A PAIR OF UNDERWEARTO MY WORKPLACE, HUH?

- WELL, THAT'S--YES.THAT'S A--THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

WHY WOULD SOMEBODY DO THAT?

- YEAH.- WELL, DO YOU KNOW WHY?

I GOTTA LAY MY OWN EYESON THE GUY

THAT MAKE THIS BIG POOP STAININ HIS UNDERWEARS.

[laughter]IT'S A BIG POOP STAIN.

- PUT THE PHONES DOWN.

- YOU MUST HAVE HAD TO WEARTHE SAME PAIR OF UNDERWEARS

FOR, LIKE, TWO WEEKS AND NEVERTAKE OFF YOUR UNDERWEARS

TO MAKE THE POOP.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT,PROFESSOR ROMER?

- I'M GONNA CALLCAMPUS SECURITY, OKAY?

- THAT'S CRAZY.YOU'RE CRAZY, PROFESSOR ROMER.

- DON'T SAY THAT!- IT'S CRAZY!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,WAIT A MINUTE.

- I'M NOT CRAZY!- HERE'S THE ONLY THING

THIS GUY CAN TEACHA CLASS ABOUT--POOP!

- GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE!- IT'S THE ONLY THING

HE CAN TEACH A CLASS--- LET'S GO!

- OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.HEY, HEY, HEY.

IT'S NICETO SEE YOU AGAIN, RANDY.

FORREST MACNEIL.

PAYBACK'S A BITCH, ISN'T IT?- WHAT?

- ARRIVEDERCI!

[cheers and applause]

THEY LOOK PRETTY GOOD.- OH, YEAH, I DID.

I HAD ONE OF THE CHERRY ONES.- OH.

- SO GOOD.- THEY LOOK PRETTY--PRETTY GOOD.

- YEAH, GO FOR IT.

- I'VE ALWAYSHAD A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

MY DOCTORS SAY THATIT'S BECAUSE I EAT TOO MUCH,

BUT WHO KNOWS, RIGHT?- YEAH.

BUT HEY, YOU KNOW, IT IS NEVERTOO LATE TO CHANGE.

YOU JUST HAVE TO TELL YOURSELFYOU'RE WORTH

both: $1 MILLION.- YOU'VE GOT IT.

- [laughs]HEY.

DO YOU WANT TO HEARMY MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA?

- SURE, YEAH.I'M SURE IT'S GREAT.

- OKAY.- OH, YEAH.

[chuckles]

- IT'S A MUZZLE...- MM-HMM.

- THAT WORKS ON A TIME LOCK

SO THAT YOU CAN'T EATBETWEEN MEALS.

- OH, OKAY.SO IT'S FOR PEOPLE?

- UH-HUH.- IT'S A MUZZLE FOR PEOPLE?

- YEAH.- AND IT, LIKE, COVERS UP

YOUR MOUTH ALL DAY LONG,EXCEPT FOR--

- EXCEPT FOR MEALTIME.

- AND THE RESTOF THE TIME OF THE DAY,

YOUR MOUTH IS COVERED OVERBY THIS--

BY A MUZZLE?

- YOU HATE IT?

- WHO CARES WHAT I THINK?

THE IMPORTANT THINGIS THAT YOU KNOW

THAT YOU ARE WORTH $1 MILLION.

- OH, YEAH.- I KNOW I DO.

- YEAH.- I'M WORTH $1 MILLION.

- $1 MILLION.- NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

[laughs]- COOL.

- ALL RIGHT.- $1 MILLION.

- SEE YOU OUT THEREON THOSE COALS, OKAY?

- OKAY.

- NOW, I WANT ALL OF YOU

TO CLOSE YOUR EYES.

THERE'S ONE THINGEACH OF YOU BROUGHT HERE TODAY--

YOUR MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA.

THIS IS WHATYOU'RE GONNA SHOUT OUT

AS YOU WALKACROSS THOSE HOT COALS.

- EXCUSE ME.

WERE WE SUPPOSED TO COME HEREWITH A MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA

ALREADY IN MIND?- YEAH.

IT'S--IT'S THE HEARTOF "WEALTHNASTICS."

- THIS IDEA--

- OH, GOD.OKAY.

LUCILLE HAD GIVEN ME A PACKET OFINFORMATION ABOUT THIS SEMINAR

BUT DID NOT INSISTTHAT I READ IT.

HER NEGLIGENCE PUT MEIN A TERRIBLE POSITION.

JUST THINK OF IT, JUST THINKOF IT, JUST THINK OF IT.

JUST SAY IT.JUST SAY--JUST SAY ONE THING.

I--A TOILETTHAT CAN FLUSH ITSELF

OR A TOILET--A TOILETYOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT ON.

OR A BATHROOM--WHY--

- THE NEXT REVIEW REQUESTCOMES TO US VIA TWITTER

FROM @BUBBLEBATHS.

- AH, AND WHAT WOULD@BUBBLEBATHS

LIKE TO SEE ME REVIEW?

- THE TWEET SAYS...

- IS THERE--IS THERE MORETO THAT, OR IS THAT--

- NO.

"THERE ALL IS ACHING."

- THERE ALL IS--YEAH."THERE ALL IS ACHING."

- I HAVE TO ADMIT, I HAVENO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS.

- [laughs] YEAH, WELL,IT'S GOOD THAT I'M THE REVIEWER

IN SITUATIONSEXACTLY LIKE THIS

SO THAT I CAN OFFERUNIQUE INSIGHTS INTO...

"THERE ALL IS ACHING."

AND HERE I GO,DOING EXACTLY THAT.

GOOD.- OOH.

- "THERE ALL IS ACHING."

THIS WAS CLEARLY SOME KINDOF COMPLICATED CODE.

THE BACKWARDS PHRASING WAS LIKEA COMBINATION OF A ZEN KOAN,

YODA'S CRYPTIC ADVICE, AND ALEXTREBEK'S QUESTION-ANSWERS.

I DECIDED TO ADOPTTHAT SAME MANNER OF SPEECH

IN ORDER TO HAVE AN AUTHENTIC

"THERE ALL IS ACHING"EXPERIENCE.

ON RYE TOAST,B.L.T. ORDERING.

- SAY WHAT?

- UH...MAYONNAISE HAVING,

BUT NOT MUCH TOO, THINK I.

- I'M GONNA GET YOUA COBB SALAD.

- AH, PRODUCER BATHROOMIS GOING.

- DID YOU HAVE A STROKE?

- FORREST FINE, I'M FEELING.

- SIRI, STROKE DOCTORSIN MY AREA.

- ARE YOU EXPERIENCINGANY MEMORY LOSS?

- FIDDLE I FIT AS I'M FEELING.

"THERE ALL IS ACHING"WAS PROVING

TO BE A DIFFICULT EXPERIENCETO REVIEW.

BUT I WAS HOPEFUL THAT AN EXPERTIN THE HUMAN BRAIN

COULD HELP MAKE SENSE OF IT.

- WHY ARE YOU TALKINGSO STRANGELY?

- "THERE ALL IS ACHING."

SENSE MAKE TO YOU?

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?- THERE ALL IS ACHING.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?- THERE ALL IS ACHING.

- HMM.

- MY COMMITMENTTO "THERE ALL IS ACHING"

HAD APPARENTLY MADE MEA DANGER TO MYSELF AND OTHERS,

AT LEAST IN THE EYESOF ONE MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL.

BUT I WAS EAGER TO FOLLOW THISEXPERIENCE WHEREVER IT TOOK ME.

[screams]

THERE ALL IS ACHING!

DO NOT UNDERSTAND TOPIC!

NURSE, WHY ARE SMILING?

WHY ARE SMILING, NURSE?

[screams]

[cheerful music]

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