Dine & Dash/Roman's Empire

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 02/20/2013

Roman gets a spin-off show, Nick explores dining and dashing, and Gil and George play basketball, which leads to a serious injury.

- CONGRATULATIONS,GRADUATES.

NOW GO OUT AND CHANGETHE WORLD.

[birds whistling,graduation music playing]

[electronic whine]

- LET'S KEEP THIS GAME GOING.

[alarm rings]

- [yawns]

- ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET STONED.

- [coughs]

- AWESOME.MONSTER HIT.

TIME TO STARTTHAT SCREENPLAY.

HA-HA.OLD SCHOOL.

[cell phone rings]

BUMMER.

SERIOUS MUNCHIES.

- [screams]- OH, DUDE, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

- YEAH, IT'S YOUR HOUSE,NOT HERS.

HA-HA-HA.

YEAH, TOAST IS TOO MUCH WORK.

- [screams]- AH, DUDE, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

- WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

GOOD CALL.YOU'VE HAD A FULL DAY.

- [snores]

ONE OF THOSE FIRST, LIKE,BOY-GIRL PARTIES,

AND THERE ARE NO PARENTS THERE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"COOL RANCH DORITOS?

COOKIE KRISP?"I MEAN, WE'RE HAVING FUN.

WE'RE GOING AFTER IT.

I'M LIKE 4'9".

I'M LIKE A STRAIGHT-UPLITTLE BOY,

I GO TO TALKTO MY FRIEND LIZZIE,

WHO IS THIS GIRLTHAT I HAD A CRUSH ON.

LIKE, I WAS GONNA BE LIKE,"HEY, DID YOU READ THAT ARTICLE

IN HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE?"

AND LIZZIE ISSITTING THERE, LOOKING AT ME,

LIKE, UGH,THIS GUY'S THE WORST.

AND THIS GIRL JENNY,WHOSE HOUSE IT WAS,

COMES UPFROM BEHIND

AND PANTSES MEBECAUSE THERE WAS THAT YEAR,

LIKE, SEVENTH GRADE,WHERE PANTSING WAS AN EPIDEMIC.

SO JENNY PULLS DOWNMY LITTLE GAP KIDS KHAKIS,

BUT HERE IS THE REAL PROBLEM,WAS THAT I WAS ALSO WEARING

SILK BOXER SHORTS.

I DON'T KNOW IF I THOUGHTI WAS LIKE A TINY HUGH HEFNER.

[jazz music]

THE SMOOTHNESS OF THE SILK

AGAINST THE SMOOTHNESSOF MY LITTLE BOY PENIS,

EVERYTHING COMES DOWN,AND I'M JUST NOW BUCK NAKED.

MY LIFETIME CHILDHOOD CRUSHLIZZIE IS STARING STRAIGHT

AT MEAND MY TINY, LITTLE CASHEW.

THE GIRL WHO PANTSED ME,SHE'S TRAUMATIZED,

LIZZIE IS TRAUMATIZED,

I AM NOW A COMEDIAN.

[upbeat jazz music]

- SO, GIG,SHOULD WE STRETCH FIRST?

- NO, LET'S JUST, YOU KNOW,STAY TIGHT AND GET INJURED.

- CHECK IT OUT.LEW ALCINDOR.

OKAY.ALL RIGHT.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?- THAT JUST--

SOMETHING JUST TWEAKED--A LITTLE SOMETHING--REAL BAD.

- I LIKE TO ROTATEUNTIL THE PAIN SPREADS

AND IT'S MORE OF A NUMB--NUMB EVERYWHERE KIND OF THING.

- THERE IT IS!

YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO SEEHOW SORT OF

LOOPY AND WEIRDYOUR ARMS ARE.

- I'VE GOT REAL NOODLE ARMSTHESE DAYS.

- [chuckling]- THAT'S RIGHT!

I WAS LIKE "YO, BOO!

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT ASS,KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

LET'S GET IT UP, GET IT UP!

- YOU GUYS ARE REALLY BLACK.FREAKIN' COMMODORES.

- AHH!THAT'S MY BALL!

IT'S A LITTLE FLAT, BUT--- GET THAT BALL OUTTA HERE, YO.

LET'S CHOOSE IT UP.WE GOT TWO AND FOUR.

WE GOT SIX.- I'LL SERVE.

IF YOU GUYS JUSTWANNA HANG OUT.

- WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, YO?- I DON'T KNOW.

- LET'S CHOOSE TEAMS UP, BABY.LET'S CHOOSE TEAMS UP.

- I GOT MY MAN RIGHT HERE.- MIKE-MIKE BE BALLIN'!

MIKE-MIKE!LET ME SEE WHO I WANT.

JJ!WHOOPTY-WHOO!

BOO! YOU KNOWHOW TO DO IT, JJ.

- WE COME AS A PAIR.

- I'LL GET THIS BOB BARKER,

RON PAUL LOOKIN' DUDERIGHT HERE.

- DAMN. YOU BE RIGHT ON THEBUTTON WITH THESE FOOLS, MAN.

BUT, SISTER, GIMMEJUDI DENCH UP IN HERE.

YOU KNOW WHO JUDI DENCH IS,RIGHT?

[hysterical laughter]

- ALL RIGHT, DAME JUDI DENCHREADY TO SHOOT SOME HOOPS.

- BALL UP, BALL UP!

- I'LL SCRATCH YOU UP.- ALL RIGHT.

- OH!- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

- GET OVER HERE, Y'ALL.COME ON, MAN.

- FIRST OFF...

O.J. DID IT, ALL RIGHT?

- YOU KNOW, MY ANALYST SAYS

THAT IF I DON'T GET OUTAND PLAY MORE,

THAT, UH, I'M NEVER GONNA GETBACK IN THE GAME, PROBABLY.

- I'M GONNA BE HONESTWITH YOU, MAN.

- UH-HUH.- YOU TERRIBLE.

- NOW MY BOY, GIL--THAT GUY IS NO GOOD.

I COULD REALLYLAY HIM OUT QUICKLY.

WITH HIM OUT OF THE WAY,I THINK WE'RE JUST GONNA BE...

360 SPINS AND SLAM DUNKPOINTERS.

- DUDE.

- TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME.I'M NOT ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS.

- OH, I PUT A LOT MORE THANMY HANDS INSIDE MY STUDENTS.

- OH! GET OFF OF ME!

[chewing sounds][bone pops]

OW!- OH! SNAP!

- YOU POPPED MY SHOULDER.

- AND RON PAUL JUST BROKEPHIL SPECTOR'S SHOULDER, YO.

- MY FRIEND HASA POPPED SHOULDER.

PLEASE GIVE MEA BURNT BAGEL FOR ME.

- HI, I'M ROMAN.

MY FATHER DR. ARMOND

IS THE MOST SUCCESSFULANIMAL PLASTIC SURGEON

IN LOS ANGELES.

- WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO

IS TAKE IN THE STOMACH.

- HIS FRIENDS LIZ AND LIZHELPED HIM

GET HIS OWN REALITY SHOW,AND THAT REALITY SHOW

DESTROYED HIS MARRIAGE.- I WANT A DIVORCE.

- ♪ SAY WHAT

- MY DAD MOVED OUT, AND NOWIT'S JUST ME AND MY MOM.

SO I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE,

AND NOW I'M HAVINGTHE TIME OF MY LIFE.

- ♪ SAY WHAT

- UH-OH,C-CZAR, ROMAN.

TAKING,TAKING OVER THIS JOINT.

- C-CZAR.- MM.

- YEAH, C-CZAR'S,LIKE, MY BEST FRIEND.

HE'S, LIKE, COOLERTHAN ALL THE COOL KIDS

AT SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW, HE SMOKES WEED,HE DRINKS 40s,

HE GOT A LIP RING,AND HE STEALS STUFF.

- LET'S GET LIFTED.LET'S GET LIFTED.

- YEAH, BUT LET'S DO IT OUTSIDE,THOUGH.

WE CAN'T SMOKEIN HERE, THOUGH.

REMEMBER?- [bleep] ALREADY LIT, B.

IT'S GONNA SMELL UPEITHER WAY.

YOUR MOM COMES HOME,YOU BE LIKE,

"BITCH, I'M THE MANOF THE HOUSE NOW.

COOK ME A STEAK,MEDIUM-RARE."

- YEAH, YEAH, YOU RIGHT.YEAH, YOU RIGHT.

YOU AIN'T NEVER LIE.- ROMAN!

ROMAN, ARE YOU SMOKINGIN THIS HOUSE?

- WE'RE JUST--WE AIN'T MESSINGANYTHING UP.

- AND THERE'S NO SKATEBOARDINGIN THIS HOUSE.

YOU KNOW THAT.- NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.

- NO CHICKEN NUGGETSFOR YOU TONIGHT.

- WHY DON'T YOU--- [gasps]

- OH, SNAP.

- OH.

- NOW WHO'S GONNA CLEANTHAT UP?

- UM...YEAH, UM...

I MEAN...

- BITCH, I'M THE MANOF THE HOUSE NOW.

COOK ME A STEAK,MEDIUM-RARE.

- MOM, WHY DON'T YOUCLEAN IT UP?

- EXCUSE ME?- COOK ME A STEAK, BITCH.

- OH, NO, ROMAN, YOU DIDN'T JUSTDISRESPECT YOUR MOM LIKE THAT.

- WHY, YOU LITTLE--GET OVER HERE.

- NO, MOM.- RIGHT NOW.

- NO! OW!- SPANKING TIME.

THAT'S RIGHT.SPANKING TIME.

- AH!

YEAH, I'M SCARED OF YOU, MOM.

I COULD PROBABLY GET YOU KILLEDIF I WANTED TO.

[sobs]

- YOU LOOK GOOD.- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

- I'M C-CZAR.

I DON'T HAVE A MOM.

STRAIGHT UP, I BEEN, HAVE BEENWITH OLDER WOMEN BEFORE,

AND YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME.- THAT'S--THAT'S VERY RUDE.

THAT'S...

- YOU HAVEA VERY BEAUTIFUL HOME.

- UH.both: OH, YEAH.

- OH, YOU LIKE THAT?- OH, YEAH.

[moaning]- AW, YUCK!

- SIGN MY REPORT CARD.SIGN MY REPORT CARD.

- YO, YOU SALTY, DAWG.

- SORRY, C-CZAR.

YO, YOU MY SON, SON.

- WHATEVER, DAD.

- COMING UPON ROMAN'S EMPIRE...

- I'D LOVE TO FIGURE OUTSOME WAY TO CHEER UP ROMAN.

- I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

- YEAH, MAYBE DAVE & BUSTER'S.

- OH, I LOVEDAVE & BUSTER'S.

- MM-HMM.- THEN...

- I KNOW IF I LOVEDAVE & BUSTER'S,

ROMAN WOULD LOVEDAVE & BUSTER'S.

- RIGHT. THAT WOULD BEA GREAT IDEA, SHANNON.

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