Wednesday, October 19, 2016

  • 10/19/2016

Andrew Orvedahl, Ben Roy and Adam Cayton-Holland determine how Julian Assange will pass the time without internet access, list #PoliticalFoods and debate hot-button issues.

As you know, we had our thirdpresidential debate tonight

between white MadeaHillary Clinton

and children's cataloguehand model Donald Trump.

But the problem is, we tapethe show in the afternoon,

so right now,it hasn't aired yet.

So the good news is,we didn't have to watch it.

But the bad news is,we don't know what happened.

What happened?

'Cause judgingfrom past debates, they didn't

probably discussany of the real issues

besides the onethat directly affect them,

and, you know, not anything

that maybe the countryactually gives a (beep) about,

or is affected byor needs to be solved,

or any of the problemsthat we face every day.

So, there was no prayer at allthat they talked

about the one issuethat is most important to me,

and I know is very importantto you, too,

and we talked about thisa long time ago on the show.

And it stillhasn't happened yet.

And I want to know, America.

Why have they not renamedfire ants "spicy boys"?

This is a very important issue.

-(cheers and applause)-All right.

This is...

This is a Change.org petition.

78,000 peopleare calling for this.

All right?We're only halfway to 150,000.

Do you understandif can we get to a 150,000,

Michelle Obama hasto pay attention to this?

(laughter)

And we haveto address this issue

that's been cripplingour nation's ants.

-We need to be calling them"spicy boys." -(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-Thank you. Thank you.

But another issuethat's kind of a big deal

is global hacking clubWikiLeaks,

which has been accused of tryingto influence the election

by releasing thousandsof Clinton campaign e-mails.

WikiLeaks is frontedby Julian Assange,

the Australian-borncomputer programmer

who looks like Klaus Kringle,Santa Claus's rebellious son.

-(laughter)-Since 2012,

Assange has beenrunning the organization

from inside the Ecuadorianembassy in the United Kingdom,

where he was granted asylumto escape extradition to Sweden.

-One note: not complicatedenough! -(laughter)

Well, this week, in responseto American pressure,

the Ecuadorian governmentpunished Assange

by making every millennial'snightmare come true.

-They cut off his Internet!-(laughter and groaning)

Comedians, now that Assangehas lost Internet access,

how's he going to pass the timein that embassy? Ben Roy.

He's gonna act like a cat

and chase the laser sitesfrom all the NSA snipers.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

Andrew.

He's gonna steal the Wi-Fi fromthe Peruvian embassy next door.

Password hint--"uncut blow," all lower case.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Adam Cayton-Holland.

He's gonna spend his timeexposing the inherent corruption

-in the embassy's Secret Santaprogram. -(laughter)

Or as it's referred tointernally, "El Santa Secreto."

-HARDWICK: Yes. All right,points. Very good. -(laughter)

And now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

Now, we've all spentthis last year

having this electionjammed down our gaping maws,

but do you ever wish

it could be literallyshoved down your throat?

Well, now it can,thanks to the Instagram account

Edible Government, which hasbeen busy making food sculptures

of the candidates,like this squash Hillary Clinton

-and baby carrot Donald Trump.-(laughter)

-Those are great.-So in the spirit

of the candidates'flavorful facsimiles,

tonight's hashtag is#PoliticalFoods.

Examples might be:Crunch wrap Supreme Court,

or Vladimir Pudding.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Ben.-Marco Rubio Tuesdays.

-Points!-(laughter)

-Andrew.-Bake America great again.

Yes, points. Adam.

International Houseof Representatives and Pancakes.

-Points.-Or IHORP.

-Ben.-G.O.P.F. Chang's.

-(laughter)-Points.

-Points. Andrew.-Eggs Benedict Arnold.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Adam.-American Civil S'more.

Or, as it's known in the South,

the Warof S'mouthern Aggression.

-Very good!-(laughter, applause)

I'm gonna give you200 points for that.

That was a twofer. Ben.

Ask not what your countrycan do for you,

but what you would dofor a Klondike bar.

-Points.-(cheering, whooping, applause)

Points.

-Adam.-Boutros Boutros-Taffy.

All right. Points.

Andrew.

Thomas Jefferson'sSouplantation.

(laughter)

He had one. He owned one.

He owned one of them.

He's (bleep)inga bunch of the soups.

(laughter)

Everybody knows that.

-Ben.-FD-Arby's.

Speed Debating.Speed Debating.

Tonight was the finalpresidential debate,

thank Christ!

Where the mannequinsfrom Ann Taylor

and Spencer Gifts--

they duked it outto win undecided voters.

But we're just not readyto say good-bye to debates.

So, comedians,to keep the conflict alive

a little bit longer, I'm gonnagive you a famous issue

and whoever buzzes in first

should weigh in to settle itonce and for all.

First up, cats versus dogs.Andrew.

Dogs.'Cause I'm lonely,

but I'm not that lonely.

All right.

-Points. Ben.-Rebuttal, rebuttal.

-Yeah.-Cats, because that office chair

-isn't gonna (bleep) on itself.-Yeah, points. -No.

-He's right. Yes, Adam.-No. Rebuttal, rebuttal.

Dogs. Cats taste disgusting.

All right, points. Points.

Next up-- I know this is a veryimportant issue to everyone--

hand jobs versus dry humping.

That looks like kind ofwet humping on the beach though.

-I don't know. Ben.-Either.

I-I'll take whateverI can get, at this point.

All right, yeah.

Points to Ben.

Adam.

Hand jobs, because we needmore jobs in this country.

-Yeah, points.-I'm tired of people

trying to talkabout the non-important issues.

Finally,someone is on the issues!

I'm mad! I'm fightin' mad!

(cheering and applause)

N-Next one, black versus white.

Black versus white.

Let's be very carefulwith this one.

Let's be very carefulwith this one.

(bleep).

Just hearing...

just hearing one of the threeblack dudes in the audience go,

"Yeah, you better be careful."

Uh...

We got this, all right?We got this.

Adam.

It's black.

Because the darkness comesfor us all.

-Yeah, all right. Points.-Oh, we can...

we can pretendit's not wasting our time

with little interactiveTwitter games,

but, eventually,the black consumes us all.

All right. Good. All right.

Points.