Three and a Half Men

  • Season 4, Ep 5
  • 02/19/2014

When Karl agrees to give Blake his penis, Ders begins filming the process as a documentary while Adam undertakes his own project to eat a thousand hot dogs.

BACK THE [bleep] UPWITH THOSE CAM GLASSES?

- FIRST OF ALL,THEY'RE CALLED "SPYFOCALS."

SECOND OF ALL...

THESE BAD BOYSARE GOING

TO CHANGE THE WAYPEOPLE SEE MOVIES.

FINALLY, THE AUDIENCE WILL BEABLE TO SEE WHAT MAN SEES!

HOW MAN SEES, YOU KNOW?

- ALL RIGHT.ALL RIGHT.

EASY, JIM CAMERON.- YEAH.

- I'M PRETTY SURE THEY ALREADYUSED THAT P.O.V. STYLE

IN PORNO.STREET BLOW JOBS.

YOU'VE SEEN IT.WE'VE SEEN IT.

WE'VE WATCHED IT TOGETHER.- I LOVE IT.

- HEY! YOU GUYS SAID YOUNEEDED LIGHTING FOR YOUR MOVIE,

SO I BROUGHT A LAVA, STROBE,BLACK LIGHT.

- OH.- HELL, YEAH.

- NONE OF THOSE SOUNDVERY HELPFUL.

- SPYFOCALS?- YEAH.

- OH, MY GOD,YOU GUYS ARE SHOOTING

POV PORNOG, HUH?- NO--

- THAT'S WHATWE WERE JUST SAYING.

- NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME.I LOVE SURPRISES.

- OKAY.

- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY THIS.WE'RE NOT FILMING A PORNO.

- WELL, WE MIGHT HAVE TO,BECAUSE I DON'T WANT

TO SHOOT ALICE'S DUMB,STUPID SCRIPT.

- IT'S REALLY DUMB.IT'S REALLY STUPID.

I THINK WE SHOULD DOOUR OWN ORIGINAL IDEA, MAN.

- OKAY, YES. NO.WE'RE GONNA DO OUR MOVIE.

NOT ALICE'S.NOT A PORNO.

- OKAY, WELL--- BUT WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT

TO T.A.C.PEOPLE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

YOU GUYS MADE THAT?"AND WE'LL BE LIKE,

"YEAH, STUPID."NEXT STEP, SUNDANCE!

- WHOA!- OOH.

- WHERE CHICKS SKI DOWNMOUNTAINS WITH THEIR BOOBS OUT.

TRUE STORY.- THAT'S A REAL THING

THAT HAPPENS.- AT SUNDANCE.

- I HEARD SANDRA BULLOCKGOT CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME

FROM SKI-POLINGTHE COEN BROTHERS.

- YEAH.- YEAH. THAT'S--YOU KNOW,

YOU KNOW THAT ACTION.LIKE...

- SUNDANCE.- YEAH. COOL THREE-WAY.

- THAT'S AT SUNDANCE.THAT'S COOL THAT IT'S, LIKE,

A FILM FESTIVAL.- YEAH.

- I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE,

A DANCE THAT YOU TOOKYOUR MOM TO,

AND I DID THAT.I'VE ALREADY BEEN THERE.

I'VE DONE THAT. JUNIOR PROM.- NO, NO.

IT'S NOT THAT.- MY MOM GETS LOW, DUDE.

- OH!- HEY, MAN. COME ON, DUDE.

I--DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL.

- IT IS WILDLY SMALL, THOUGH.- STOP, MAN.

- THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.NO, IT'S CRAZY SMALL.

HOW HAVE YOU GONE YOUR ENTIRELIFE WITH SUCH A SMALL PENIS?

THAT'S A STORY.- YEAH. THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

- LIKE, YOU'RE A SURVIVOR.- NO, NO, NO, OKAY? NO.

- BOOM! SIZE DOES MATTER.- SIZE DOES MATTER.

- KARL WANTS TO CUTHIS DICK OFF.

- HUH?- HMM?

- WHAT?- YEP.

WE GOT REALLY DRUNK LAST WEEK,

AND HE TOLD ME THAT.

I'M SORRY, KARL.- UH, KARL.

YOUR BOY'S SAYING THAT YOU WANTTO CUT OFF YOUR PENIS.

- I MEAN, FOR 25 YEARS,I'VE BEEN A SLAVE TO MY PEEN.

IT RULES OVER MY BRAINAND MAKES ME DO DUMB STUFF.

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUTEVERY DAY

IS WHAT TIME'S MY NEXT CUM,

AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,I'M SICK OF IT.

I'M SICK OF LIVING CUM TO CUM,SO, YEAH, GUYS.

I MEAN, I WANT IT GONE!

I WANT MY [bleep] GONE!

- YOU'RE 25?- YOU LOOK 45.

- YEAH.YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.

- REALLY?- SO IF YOU REALLY

WANNA GO THROUGHWITH THIS SURGERY, KARL,

THIS COULD BEAN AMAZING DOCUMENTARY,

AND IF I CAN, I WOULD LOVETO HELP IN ANY WAY.

- REALLY?- I FEEL WE SHOULD REALLY GO

FOR THE 1,000 HOT DOG IDEATHAT I HAVE,

'CAUSE IT'S SMART, UH,IT'S REAL, IT'S EDUCATIONAL.

- I MEAN, IF IT'LL HELP YOUTHAT MUCH, I'LL DO IT.

THIS IS EXACTLYTHE SPARK I NEEDED.

I'M GONNA CUT MY DICK OFF.

- NO. YOU CAN'T JUSTCUT YOUR DICK OFF.

IT'S NOT JUST A...A WART.

- WHOA, WHOA, HEY, HEY,WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WHY NOT, MAN?I MEAN, IT'S KARL'S DICK.

YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSEWHAT HE DOES WITH IT.

- THANK YOU, BLAKE.- IT'S HIS DICK.

- OKAY. WHEN YOU'RE BORN A BRO,

YOU'RE A BRO FOR LIFE.I'M BRO-LIFE,

AND I'M SICKOF YOU BRO-CHOICE GUYS.

WE'RE GONNA CHOP OFFKARL'S KNOB,

AND WE'RE GONNA ATTACH ITTO BLAKE'S MOUND.

- YUP.- FRIEND OF THE YEAR OVER HERE.

- SEEMS INSANE, RIGHT?

- I'M IN.IT SOUNDS FUN.

- HEY, DOC.WHY DON'T WE, UM,

JUST GET A LITTLE BACKGROUNDON WHO YOU ARE?

AND JUST TALK TO MY FACE.- OKAY.

I'M WIDELY CONSIDERED BY ME

TO BETHE ONLY SEX-CHANGE EXPERT

IN ALL OF RANCHO CUCAMONGA.- YUP.

- I'VE GOT SOME PRETTYHIGH-PROFILE CLIENTELE,

INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO,

THE STUNT WOMENFROM RIZZOLI & ISLES.

- OH!- WOW.

- LET ME CHECKMY SCHEDULE HERE.

OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU GUYS LUCKED OUT.

LOOKS LIKE I GOT A--AN OPENING NEXT FRIDAY.

- WELL, FRIDAY AFTER WORK--THAT WORKS FOR ME.

- FRIDAY? THAT'S HECKA SOON.- OKAY, DOC.

I'M ABOUT TO BE WILDLY FAMOUS

FOR EATING 1,000 HOT DOGSIN ONE WEEK.

- THAT SOUNDS HIGHLY DANGEROUS.- HIGHLY DANGEROUS.

EVERYBODY KEEPS TALKING ABOUTHOW HIGHLY DANGEROUS IT IS!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!- ADAM!

- WHAT IS IT?- I'M OUT OF HERE, MAN.

I'M OUT OF HERE, MAN!

- I'M SORRY ABOUT--

- HEY, GUYS, JUST KIDDING.IT'S KETCHUP.

I PUT KETCHUP IN HERE.[laughs]

- OH-HO-HO-HO!YEAH.

WOW. YOU CAN'T BUYTHAT KIND OF ADRENALINE.

THAT GUY REALLY GAVE ME A GIFTRIGHT THERE.

- OH!- OH, DANG IT.

- I'M SO SORRY.

[laughs]- HEY.

- HEY.

UM, YOU DROPPED THIS.

DID YOU--

[both laugh]

- OH! WOW.

YOU'VE REALLY GOTSOMETHING THERE.

- YOU REALLY GOTSOMETHING THERE WITH...

THAT BODY, GIRL.

[both laughing]

- WHAT?- I DON'T KNOW.

DOES FRIDAY SEEMA LITTLE BIT TOO SOON?

MAYBE WE SHOULD GET SOME OTHER,LIKE, OPINIONS OR WHATNOT.

THAT DUDE SEEMED A--JUST A LITTLE BIT SHADY.

- KARL, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THE GUY IS A PRO,PLUS THE CAMERA LOVES HIM.

- FOR REAL?- NO, HE SEEMED DRUNK TO ME.

- ALL RIGHT.

- YOU SEETHAT HOT ASSISTANT CHICK?

SHE WAS TOTALLYINTO MY RAW DOGGING.

- SHE WAS HOT.- NOT CONDOM-LESS SEX.

I MEAN, LIKE, ME PHYSICALLYEATING RAW HOT DOGS.

- THANK YOU, DERS.THANK YOU.

- NO. THANK YOU, KARL.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE... YOUR DICK.

- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

- FIRST DAY OF THE RESTOF MY LIFE.

- OKAY.SO YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T

SUPPORT THIS IN ANY WAY, RIGHT?- YEAH.

- BUT I REALLY HOPEYOU DON'T DIE ON ME, MAN.

- THANK YOU, ADAM.

I'D LIKE TO GET HARDFOR ONE LAST TIME.

- YEAH.- MAKES SENSE.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

LET'S GIVE HIMA LITTLE SPACE HERE.

- MOM FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT.

MOTHER FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT.

OH, SHE'S SO FREAKIN' HOT.

OH.

- WOW. HOLY MOLY.

- JILL TAYLOR.SHE'LL CHUB YOU.

- HIDY HO, PATIENTS!KARL, YOU'RE FULLY PREPPED.

LET'S GET YOU INTO SURGERY.

- OKAY.

DEAD DICK WALKING!

- YOU CAN BACK OUT NOW!- IT'S GONNA BE YOURS.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.- OKAY.

- ♪ I'VE [both laughing]

♪ BEEN LOOKING FOR

- OH, YOU'RE ROUGH.I LIKE THAT.

[shrill laugh]OH, MY GOD!

I CAN'T BELIEVETHIS IS HAPPENING.

THIS IS REAL LIFE RIGHT NOW.OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

- I GO EVERYWHEREDR. JOHNSON GOES.

- AH, WELL, HOW ABOUT WE GOWHERE MY DR. JOHNSON IS?

- [laughs]- IN MY BOXER BRIEFS...

EXCEPT FOR I'M NOT WEARING ANYRIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE I'M OUT OF DETERGENT,

SO I DIDN'T EVEN DOANY LAUNDRY.

- GOD, AS SOON AS I MET YOU,

I KNEW WE WERE GONNA BE SUCKINGEACH OTHER'S [bleep].

- TOTALLY.

OH, WAIT.OH, HOLD ON.

WAIT.SUCKING EACH OTHER'S...

- I-I'M ONEOF DR. JOHNSON'S PATIENTS

AS WELL AS HIS ASSISTANT.

I'M FEMALE TO MALE TRANSGENDER,

SO I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY BOOBSREMOVED YET,

BUT DOWNSTAIRS,IT'S NEW DICK CITY.

- YEAH!NEW DICK--NEW DICK CITY?

- YEAH.- YEAH. NEW JACK CITY.

I LOVE THAT MOVIE,BUT I DON'T KNOW

IF I WOULD SEE NEW DICK CITYAS A FILM.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'SUP MY ALLEY 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

I'M NOT INTO--I'M NOT INTO DUDES.

- OH, I--THE WAY YOU WERE EATINGTHOSE HOT DOGS, I JUST--

- IT WAS A HOMOSEXUAL WAYTO EAT HOT DOGS.

YEAH. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE...- WOW.

- JUST TRYING TO PROTEIN-LOAD.

- I-I REALLY THOUGHTYOU WERE INTO ME.

- I'M INTO YOU.LIKE, AS A--AS A BRO.

WE ARE BROS.WE ARE FRIENDS.

- OKAY.- SINCE THESE ARE GOING AWAY,

YOU MIND IF I JUST GET A--JUST A BRO--BRO SQUEEZE?

- BRO, GO FOR IT, BRO.

- AS A DUDE.- MM-HMM.

- AS A BRO THING.- TOTALLY.

- IT'S A BRO THING. WOW!- YEAH.

- THOSE ARE SQUISHIERTHAN I REMEMBER.

- YEAH. THEY'RE SQUISHY.- YEAH.

IT'S BEEN A WHILESINCE I'VE JIGGLED ONE.

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