Lynne Koplitz, Lil Rel Howery, Judah Friedlander

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 05/10/2014

Dave Attell hosts comedians Lynne Koplitz, Lil Rel Howery and Judah Friedlander for a night of raw, uncensored stand-up.

Wow.

A lot of you are thinking,

"What rule of 'Fight Club'is this?"

I mean, really, where are we?

We're at The Underground.

My name is Dave Attell,I'm your host,

and we're gonna have a greattime.

This is gonna be uncensored,unfiltered comedy,

the way it should be told.

And we're gonna...somethingelse, something, whatever.

All right, anyway...

As you can see,I'm holding a camera.

So let's see what kind ofaudience we have here tonight.

Fauxhawk, everything coolwith you?

Is that a look or a protest?What are you doing?

Another water for these guys.

So let's see what's happeningat this table.

This guy's wearing a flannel.

You look like a lumberjack'saccountant or something that...

And, Miss, what's your name?Jessica.

Jessica, all right, would youmind being

the camera personfor the show?

I would love to.

You'd love it. Okay, cool.Here you go, Jessica.

I'm giving the camera toJessica.

Give her a hand.

(cheers and applause)

All right, back to father,back to father.

This is great.

Guys, we're hereat The Underground.

We're gonna start it out.

Now, I'm just gonna letyou know right now,

this is an uncensored,unfiltered show, okay?

This is filthy, dirty.

We're taking the gloves offtonight,

and we're all gonnaget a dirty sniff

of the fingerof show business.

Are you guys ready?(cheers and applause)

We're gonna start it out

with one of my all-timefavorite comics.

This lady, class,all the way around.

This is free, by the way.

Just so you know, people athome, Hollywood, free food.

Keep it going forLynne Koplitz everybody.

Lynne Koplitz

(cheers and applause)

Dave Attell!

Hello!

Greenwich Village!

How are you?

I'm dressed up tonight.

(whooping and cheering)

This is the first time,I think, in like a year

I have taken off a sports bra.

I'm not even making that up.

Nothing says "I'm donewith life,"

like a grown woman--I'm 46 years old.

A 46-year-old woman in a sportsbra who's never done sports...

Just one low, angry, defiantfucking breast

just daring youto fuck with it.

This is how much.

People have started asking meif I'm from Michigan.

I'm like, "No, I've just startedgiving up. It looks the same."

Same fucking look.

You don't believe me?!

Look at this, I'm pretty surethis is a bathrobe.

And this, this thing I'mwearing-- Do you see it?

This is an actual skirt.

I decided to make a shirt.

Look at the young girls lookingat me, like,

"Did you get that atForever 21."

No, cunt, I didn't.

No, my closet knowsnot to fuck with me.

This is a skirt.

I went to put it on and it was--"I'm a size six."

Really? Fuck you, skirt.

You're a shirt now.

You're going out in public.

You don't wanna come out?!

I own you, skirt!

You don't own me.

My little white room.

I'm Christmas Future, baby.

I used to look just like you.

This is what ends up happening.

Think about that when you'remaking choices.

Now I'm having these momentswhere I remind myself.

My parents, that's the worstthing that could ever happen.

My mother was crazy.

I don't know if anybody grew upwith a mom with a daddy voice.

That shit is scary.

When your mama sound like agrown man, that's frightening.

When a woman got a grown manvoice, they ain't never happy.

She like, "Everybody, shut thefuck up and go to bed, now!

I'm sick of this!"

"We just got home--""I don't care, shut up.

You hear my voice,I'm not happy."

So, I mean, we hada moment we irritated her,

like, she had some shrimpfried rice,

and to a poor black family,when somebody bring us

some outside food, that'sa big deal-- "Oh, shit."

You know, like...we could smell it.

And she had thisshrimp fried rice.

We was being little kids.

We were just begging, "Ooh,Mama, can I have some?

"Ooh, Mama, please,can I have some?

Ooh, Mama, I want some..."

She go, "Oh, canI have, I want!

"Can I have, I want!

"Can I have, I want!

"I can't haveshit to myself!

"Your daddy bought me thisfried rice for my anniversary.

"This is my anniversaryfried rice.

"Why don't you eatthe fuckin' hot dogs I made.

"I had boiled hot dogsfor y'all.

"But you don't care, 'cause youin here, can I have, I want!

Can I have, I want!"

Thanks for thesitting ovation, everybody.

Thank you.

Excellent clapping skills,everybody.

You were good, dude.

Not bad at all.

But you were the best.

Let's see itagain, just you.

Fucking perfect technique,well done, sir.

Now, what do you got, buddy?

(clapping)

No, too floppy--kind of weak, dude.

A little off beat?

I think it's the worst clappingtechnique I've ever seen.

Why don't you get the fuck outof here right now?

Kidnapping children, uh...

Not as easy as it used to be,let's talk about it.

You can't just use candy.

If you'reon the Upper West Side,

you better have some organickale chips and free Wi-Fi.

It's not the '80s.

That's whatI'm trying to say.

Protect the kids,it's not the '80s.

I'm a world champion,it's on a windbreaker.

That means it's real.

(audience)Whoo!

Don't look at me that way,I'll fuck you up, dude.

I grew up ona dead-end street

because I killed all myneighbors.

I used to be an insecurityguard, I, uh...

I would guard people withlow self-esteem

and make sure they nevergot a compliment.

Nobody fucks with me, man.

I spell "anarchy"any way I want.

I just shaved 20 minutes ago.Anyone else?

No other fuckin' manhere tonight?

so I'm gonna bring up all ouracts for tonight.

So, guys, let's bring 'emall up, come on.

Lil Rel Howery,Lynne Koplitz,

and, of course,Judah Friedlander.

(cheers and applause)

I just wanna say I'm havinga sex party after the show.

You guys are all invited.

(whooping and cheering)

If you wanna jointhe sex party,

just follow the smell ofawesome, and you'll find it.

This is just something I'vebeen wanting to tell people.

It's justthe sex etiquette...

Could you speak intothe microphone?

It's just the sexetiquette thing.

This noise...

(retching)

Not ever a good noise,in the history of noises.

So I don't really understand,maybe you guys can help me.

Why a man would holdthe head on a noise

that's making a vomit sound?

Nowhere else, nowhere else.

If the cat was doing that, ithad-- You wouldn't be like,

"Oh, hold the facein the carpet."

I'm always, uh...

I'm always a no-handskind of guy.

So that doesn'tapply to me.

That's nice, okay, but--

It produces more spit, like,that's good...

(cheers and applause)

See.

I knew Lil Relwould have that...

Dry mouth...

I just happen to like it verydry, I just like it very dry.

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