Sean Patton

  • 06/21/2013

Ubiquitous a**holes are problematic for Sean Patton, so he wages psychological war through licking.

Where my Italians at?

Huh? Huh? Huh?(audience cheers)

Oh? Oh, yeah?!

I got your fricking tomatoright here!

I got your tomato right here!

(scattered laughs)

Underneath all that pubic hair,

you Mediterranean piecesof shit!

Boom! Know what I mean?

Women can't drive.

My wife, I was, like,"Who taught you to drive,

another woman?"

Boom! Boom!

Where my Irish peoples at?

(audience cheers)

Oh, yeah? I got your frickingpotato right here!

Boom! Boom!

Why don't you go build a ship

so it can sink in 1912in the North Atlantic?

(snickers quietly)

I can't, I can't do it anymore.

It's not who I am.

I do not,I do not have a tomato.

I do not have a tomatonor a potato.

I apologize for gettingyour hopes up.

I think women are fine...

fine, fine drivers.

My wife's here.Give it up for her.

She's beautiful.

I'm not married!(laughs)

I don't have a wife.

I don't!

You remember? That seemedlike what all the comedians were

when I was a kid.

It was, like, "Hey, you'reall stupid! I hate you!

You're all ugly! Bye. Boom!"

Where'd they all go?

I like, I missed that.

I like, I like...

"Hey!

Hey!" The ballbuster pigeon.

"Hey!

"Give me some more crumbs,you homeless piece of shit!

I knew the differencebetween a penny and a crumb!"

It's a comedy show,I'm trying to be funny.

No, I'm trying to educate you.This is a weapon.

You ever about to get ina fight, the guy's too big,

too mean, you don't thinkyou can take him down?

It's psychological warfare time.

Get inside their head.

If they're, like,"Come on, bitch,"

and you're, like, "Bring it!"

(scattered whooping)

They're not gonna wantto fight you!

They're not gonna wantto fight you at all!

They're gonna be terrifiedof you.

They're gonna be, like,

"Oh, shit, is he gonna lick me?

(chuckles)

"Do I want him to lick me?

(chuckles)

"I can't fight him.

I gotta go fight this desire."

I went 'cause I'd never been.I was excited.

It was during rush week.

I wanted to see some rush,some hazing.

I saw some, and it was lame.I was disappointed.

All they did was makethe pledges drink, that's it.

They would randomly be, like,"Pledges, drink up!"

And all these guyswere drinking.

I was, like, "That's it?

"That's all you're gonna do?

"You don't want to see whatthey're willing to go through

to be frat brothers?"

God, that made me wishI was a frat boy so bad.

Just to be that eccentricone who only comes out

of his room during rush week.

Only comes outto (bleep) for their heads.

You know, like, "All right,pledges, line up! Line up!

"Y'all want to beSigma Nigma Nu?!

"Y'all wantto be Sigma Nigma Nu?!

"Let's see if you gotwhat it takes!

"You, here's a case of warmbeer. You know the drill.

"Drink-drink-drink-drink!

"You, dip your scrotumin this fishbowl

"full of angry scorpions.

"You... count to 40 out loud.

"You... go out back--there's a kiddy pool

"full of heroin-addict piss.Bathe in it.

"You... e-mailyour favorite cousin.

"Just say hi.

"You... force your grandmother

"to watch this bukakke filmwith you

"on Easter Sunday whilst you eatCadbury eggs together.

(audience groans)

"You... take a nap right now.

"Power nap, bitch, no pillow.

"You... siphon-startthat sumo wrestler's enema.

(audience groans)

"You... just hang out.You're cool.

"Sigma Nigma Nu Nu!Sigma Nigma Nu Nu!

"Sigma Nigma Nu Nu!

"Sigma NigmaNu-Nu-Nu!

(hysterical voice):"Nu Nu, Nu-Nu-Nu!

"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu!Nu-Nu-Nu-Nu.

"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu!A Nu Nu! A Nu Nu!

"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu baby!(giggles)

"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu baby!

"A boy? A SigmaNigma Nu Ni boy?

"A Sigma Nu Ni boy?

(normal voice): "A man!A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu man!

"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nuniresponsibility,

"integrity, leadership.

"That's the handshake, pledge!

"Learn it!

"Only one of you made it,obviously.

"The guy who drank. He's in.

The rest of you are weird."

To you, you know?

(cheering, applause)

Hey, on the rare occasionI am in the gym,

you ever see the guywho's, like...?

"Ah!

Ah! Ah!"

It's, like,"What are you, a dragon?

(bleep) wrong with you?"

That's vodka, by the way.

Can you imagineif this were vodka

and I just chuggedthat much of it?

This set would end

in a completely different mannerthan I...

I would suddenly be, like,

(slurring): "Okay, okay,you want a funny joke?

"Okay, I got a funny jokefor you.

"Love isn't real. (laughs)

(sobs softly)

"You know what she said to me?

"You know what she said to me?You know what she said?

"She said, 'I can't be withanyone right now.'

"Oh, I didn't know I wasjust anyone.

"I thought we were soul mates.

"It's my fault. It's my fault.

"I opened,I opened myself up to her.

"I said, 'That's me.That's how I work.

"'That's my heart.You want to touch it?

"Want to touch my heart?'

"She goes, 'Uh-huh.'

"Took it. Took it away from me.

"Kept it.Used it as a paperweight.

"Used it as a doorstop.

"Used it to knead pizza dough.

"Met another guy, right?

"And he was, like,'You want to have sex?'

"And she was, like,'Of course I do. I'm a whore.'

"And he, and he goes,'Well, I don't have a condom.'

"And she goes, 'Well, here, justuse Sean's heart as a condom.

"It works greataround the house.'

(voice breaks): "And he did!That's what he did!

"He put my heart on his (bleep)like a prophylactic,

"and he had sex with her!

"And he (bleep)...He (bleep) my heart.

"Did my heart bust on himlike a dirty old condom?

"No, it did not.

"'Cause it's a strong heart.It's reliable.

"It got, it got pregnant.

"It got pregnant and it wantedto keep the baby.

"'Cause it's a loving heartfull of nurtureness.

"But she was, like, 'No!'

"And she punched my heartin its stomach

"till it had a miscarriage.

"So now my heart'spsychologically damaged

"wandering around truck stops

giving aorta jobsfor five dollars a pop."

(sobbing)

Fortunately, this is just water.

Unfortunately,all of that was true.

Is anybody hereHIV positive?

(laughter)

Look... if you're laughing,don't feel bad

'cause you know what doesnothing for HIV?

Your sadness. Does nothing.

I mean, if you are HIV-positive,

I'm sorry that happened to you,but you know what?

I think you've now earnedthe right

to just bea perpetual prankster.

You should have a fake blooddispenser on you

at all times ready to go.

Ready to hose down dickheadsat bars

and, like, cops and...

"Oh, my AIDS blood!

"It got everywhere!

"It got in your mouth,

which is open perpetually,mouth-breather."

Or every major city hasa dozen or so places

you can get tested.Go to all of 'em.

Get the test done overand over again

because you know whatthe result's gonna be,

but they don't.

Now you can have fun.

They're, like, "Oh, we're sorry,you tested positive for HIV."

You can go, "(gasps) Yes!I did it! I did it!

"They said I couldn't do it,but I did it!

"Now I can rule the world!

"Thank you.

Pound?"

Or go absurd, you know?

They're, like, "You'reHIV-positive. We're sorry."

Go, (slow, dull voice): "(gasps)Thank you very much.

"Is there medicationI should be tak...?

(gasps)"I have a phone call.

(laughter)

(laughter continues)

It's in my other pocket."

Or go hyper absurd.

Pick your favorite Ice Cubemovie. We all got one.

Find your favorite lineof dialogue, just repeat it.

They're, like, "Uh, sorry, sir,you're HIV-positive."

Like, "What?! Man, he knowwhere your mama stay!

"He know where my mama stay!

"He know where your mama stay!

"He know where my mama stay!

"He know whereyour mama stay!

"He know where my mama stay!He know where your mama stay!

He know where my mama stay!He know..."

What are they gonna do,kick you out?

They can't kick you out.

They have to be sympatheticto how you react.

Maybe you reactby quoting Friday.

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