Eli's Face Therapy

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 07/12/1999

A salon owner keeps rich women beautiful by slapping them across the face, and a man burns calories by pretending to flee armed soldiers.

He is an absolute dream.

I met him at Sandra'sChristmas party.

God bless Sandra.

Taking in all those poororphan children at Christmas,

and dressing them uplike elves.

Most of them are so frailand thin, I said to myself,

I'm gonna put my husbandon the orphan diet.

(both tittering)

Anyway, I simply haveto experience

one of Eli'sskin treatments.

You are positivelyglowing, Poppy.

Well....(man)The Poppy!

Time to get beautiful.

Come here.How are you, darling?

You look beautiful.

All thanks to you, Eli.

Of course.

And how is the little dogof yours doing?

The Duchess Willy Nilly?

Not so well.

The doctor saysshe has worms.

I'm feeding hertoo much smoked salmon.

I'm so sorry.Come.


Oh, my gosh!

It's okay, Jojo.

It's one of Eli'streatments.

It feels amazing.

I want women to look beautiful.

My process wakes up the skin

and revitalizesthe blood vessels.

Eli, I'm sorry they wereout of Earl Grey.

I got you chamomile.

Oh!No problem.

I'm trying to certify some of myassistants in the technique.

Well, I don't understand.

Won't your techniquehurt me?

I am an artist.This exhausts me.

Oh, I understandexhaustion.

I spent my whole daysearching

for this beautifullittle handbag I saw

in a store window last week.

I went back there, andyou know what the man told me?

The man didn't knowwhat had happened to--

I don't know whyI like it, but I do!

Oh, is this whatyou guys did all day?

Watching throwing starcartoons

and doing supercoolall over my table?

What's wrong, honey?Did you miss your session?

Session?What's a session?

I'm not very goodat confronting people.

I've been having all theseproblems with this chef, Jason,

I work withat the seafood restaurant.

So in my sessions, I--I relieve my frustration

by venting at my therapist,who pretends to play my chef.

You know, likerole-playing therapy.

We could do that.

That would be great.Okay, good.

Frank, why don't youplay my chef?

Oh.You made a hat.


let me justget centered, okay?

Okay, Amanda, I can't have youstanding around like this.

I got tables that needsalad dressing.

I need you out there--Okay, Frank?

Just let me start, okay?


Chef Jason,I was cleaning

the coffeestation today,

and you came in andstarted screaming at me

that the menus weren't done--that's not my problem.

Actually, that isyour problem, Amanda.

I hired youas a wait person.

I need you out there-Okay, Frank?

It's not important thatyou answer me back.

Amanda, I think I knowwhy this isn't working.

You need some real ambientsound to make it feel

like you're in a realrestaurant kitchen.

I don't think so.No, wait, just-just try it.


(making kitchenand animal noises)

Come on.Stop!

Look, the fact is,Chef Jason,

you don't know howto deal with people.

You don't know howto deal with the fact

that you're an employee.

When I tell you todo something, I want it done.

I've got an eggplantParmesan that's been

sitting in that window,and I want it out of here.

We don't haveeggplant Parmesan.

Don't tell me whatwe have, young lady.

It's a seafoodrestaurant, Frank!

Hi, Chef Jason, can Italk to you for a second?

Certainly, Simon,step into my office.


What office?

Uh, I just finished wiping downall the countertops,

marrying my ketchups,

and cleaning under the bottomsof the tables, and I--

Okay, nobody cleans underthe bottoms of the tables.

Oh, Simon, you'redoing a great job.

You know what, though?

You could pick upsome slack for me

and get that eggplantParmesan out of the window

before it turns to ice.

We don't haveeggplant Parmesan.

Oh, no!What is it, Cortez?

Who the hell isCortez?

I help lazy lady clean upunder bottoms of table,

and I hurt my hand.

We don't clean underthe bottoms of the tables,

and I don't knowanyone named "Cortez."

Well, maybe if you did clean

under the bottomsof the tables,

you'd get to knowyour busboy.

All right, you know what?Let's just stop this.

Okay, guys, I think I knowwhat's going on.


maybe you need to do thiswith someone you trust.

Since I'm your boyfriend,

maybe you'd be more comfortableif I played the chef.

It doesn't matter who playsthe chef, Roger, okay?


Chef Jason, some of thewaitresses think--

Arr! Arr!

Some of the waitresses thinthat you--

Aye, arr, arr!

Some of the waitresses--

What are you doing?

I'm the pirate chef, matey!

I don't need youto be a pirate chef.

Amanda...I'm an actor.

You know charactersare my forte.

This is not about yourcharacters, Roger!

This is about megetting rid of my anger!

God, Chef Jason!

You take reservationson the phone and you--

Yeah, let's talk aboutthe phone, Amanda.

Like when your parentscall over to this house

and they ask whatam I doing here

because they don't knowthat--

that I'm living with you yet

because you're too afraidto tell 'em!

And I think you justneed to clean up

under the bottomsof the tables.

You want to talk aboutsomething, Roger?

Just clean up underthe bottoms of the tables.

Okay, okay, I get it now.Give me that.

Oh, forget this stupid hat.Okay, come here.

Amanda, you need to stop tryingto run Roger's life.

This is his house, too.

Where the hell are we supposedto do supercool!

(as Cortez)Oh, no, I feel pain.

I need go hospital!

Oh, shut up, Cortez!

Okay, my turn to be the chefagainst Amanda.

What do you meanthe chef against Amanda?

Look, I don't want anyoneplaying my chef anymore.

Oh, fine.Uh, hi.

I'm an angry customer herewith my beautiful wife,

and we've waited35 minutes

for your world-famouseggplant Parmesan.

That's an outrage!

Amanda, you're fired.What?

Cortez, congratulations.You're the new head waiter.

Ay, ay!

Must escape.

Yes!I am free!

And again!

Avoid barbed wire.Avoid guns!

My country!My family!

Yes, yes!And I am free again!

Excuse me, I couldn'thelp but notice

what fantastic shapeyou're in.

Yes, my friend.

When I work out, I do notdo it for reasons of vanity.

I do not do it to lose weightor to gain muscle.

I do it for freedom!

I fear that they havereleased the dogs.

Quickly, before theypick up our scent!

Freedom, my friend,follow me!

Yes, this way!

Quickly!I can't do that.

If you won't,you'll be killed!

Think of your family!

My wife just had a baby!

Yes, good!

Think of your son!Yes, he waits for you!

Yes, yes!Quickly!

We shall swim the riverfor freedom!


Sweet freedom!

But I can't swim!

It is not the waterthat you are afraid of.

You are afraid of freedom!

(blows whistle)Swim inside the lane!




Oh, freedom!

Yes, I can smell it, too!This way!

This way!

(shouting in foreign language)

(maniacal laughter)

(gun clicks)No! No!

It's your turn, G.I.

Feel the burn!Feel the burn!

(men speaking foreign language)

(man screams, gun clicks)


Yes, freedom.


That's right.Sweat it out!

Yes, sweat it out!