Kroll Show
Season 2

#CanadianSafeSex

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 01/21/2014

Bobby Bottleservice and Peter Paparazzo become gigolos to make some money, and on "Wheels, Ontario," Mikey prepares to lose his virginity.

GOT THE VERY LASTGOVERNMENT-ISSUED SEX KIT HERE.

- OH, COOL.- OKAY.

I KNOW SEXCAN BE SCARY SOMETIMES.

SO THIS WILL HELP YOUMAKE IT FUN AND SAFE.

HERE'S A MAPLE-FLAVOREDDENTAL DAM.

IT ALSO GLOWS IN THE DARK.

THAT'S IF YOU WANT TO PERFORMSOME CUNNILINGUS,

AND YOU CAN ALSOTRY RIMMING.

HERE'S A VIBRATOR FOR YOU.

WE'VE GOT THE BUTT PLUGAS WELL.

CAN USE ITFOR SOMEONE'S EXIT.

- IT LOOKS LIKE A SQUID.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONSFOR ME, MICHAEL?

- WHAT IFI'M NOT GOOD AT SEX?

OR WHAT IFI'M SO GOOD AT IT,

I BECOME OBSESSED WITH IT?

OR WHAT IF IT'S SOMETHINGI DON'T EVEN KNOW?

I GUESS IT JUST ALLFEELS SO COMPLICATED.

- WELL, I WOULD TRYTHE BUTT PLUG.

YEAH.- COOL.

- ONE THING,I WOULD RECOMMEND USING

SOME OTHER PROPHYLACTICS,UNLESS YOU WANNA

END UP LIKE YOUR FRIENDTOONS OVER THERE.

- BREATHE IT ON OUT.BREATHE IT ON OUT, TOONS.

AND BREATHE OUT.AND GOOD.

THAT SLIMYLITTLE BUTTERBALL'S

GONNA DROP RIGHT OUT OF YOU.[chuckles]

- OH, HEY, MIKEY.- OH, HEY, TOONS.

HEY, COACH TEACHER.WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?

- OH, I'M NOT JUSTA WHIRLING COACH.

I ALSO COACH CANADIAN LAMAZE.

- AND HE'S THE FATHER.

- OH, HOW FAR ALONGARE YOU, TOONS?

- TEN MONTHS.- OH, SO YOU GOT TIME.

- WELL, MWAH.

GOTTA GO TO THE CAFETORIUM,

WORK MY SHIFT ATTHE JUNIOR NEEDLE EXCHANGE.

YOU BE GOOD,YOU BE GOOD.

- THANKS FOR STICKING AROUND,MIKEY.

- OH, I GOTTA GO.PEACE OUT, TOONS.

- PEACE OUT.

- HEY, COLLETTE,I DON'T KNOW

IF WE'VE EVER FORMALLYBEEN INTRODUCED,

BUT MY NAME'S MIKEY.

- GOSH, I THOUGHTYOUR NAME WAS LEGS.

- OH, NO, THAT'SMY CASUAL GOOF NAME

THAT EVERYONE CALL ME'CAUSE THEY HATE ME.

- WELL, YOU JUST TELL THEMTO HUSH UP.

- MAYBE I WON'T BE SO HARSH,BUT I'LL DO THAT.

- SAY, I'D LOVE TO STAYAND CHAT, EH,

BUT I HAVE MINUTESTO PROOFREAD, SO--

- OH, NO DOUBT,NO DOUBT.

HEY, I WAS WONDERING,COLLETTE,

WOULD YOU BE GAMETO BEING MY PARTNER

AT THE MAPLE GAMES TONIGHT?

- OF COURSE I WILL.I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

- OH, COOL.- PARDON ME.

- AWESOME.THAT'S REALLY EXCITING.

- OH, PARDON ME.- PARDON.

I GUESS I'VE GOT A DATE--

A DATE WITH INTERCOURSE.

- ♪ GET READY TO GO

♪ GET READY TO GO

- SO SAGE, BRO,YOU GOTTA TALK TO US.

WE HAVESO MANY QUESTIONS, BRO.

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

- IT IS VERY WARM IN HERE,AND I LIKE IT.

SO WHAT'S YOUR PLAN,GENTLEMEN?

- BASICALLY,P90X, CROSSFIT.

I SHAVE MY SHOULDERS.

AND I JUST BOUGHTA TONGUE SCRAPER.

- CHICKS DON'T DO THAT.

- SO WHAT DO THEN,THEY VERY MUCH GO FOR?

MINTS INSIDEOF NECKLACES, BRO?

both: OH.- THAT'S A START.

YOU GOTTA HAVEYOUR OWN STYLE.

WHAT LOOKS BEST ON YOU?

WHAT MAKES YOUFEEL THE SEXIEST?

- HAVING SEX OUTSIDE.- OKAY.

WELL, FOR ME AS FARAS UPSTAIRS, GOATEE.

AS FAR AS DOWNSTAIRS,GOATEE, BRO.

- MY PUBES ARE SHAVEDINTO GARGOYLE WINGS.

[phone vibrates]

- GUYS, HOW WOULD YOULIKE TO MEET

YOUR FIRST TWO CLIENTSTONIGHT?

- SAGE, WHAT COULD WE EVER DOTO VERY MUCH REPAYS YOU?

- OH, DON'T SWEAT IT.

HAVE FUN,YOU YOUNG [bleep] MACHINES.

[both laugh]

BUT IF YOU WOULD LIKETO PAY ME BACK--

YOU GUYS DON'T HAPPENTO HAVE, LIKE,

A SHOWER I COULD USELATER TONIGHT, DO YOU?

OR MAYBE A PLACE I COULDTAKE A NAP INSIDE?

- OKAY, VERY MUCHWEIRD TURN HERE.

- I'LL JERK YOU BOTH OFF.

- ♪ GET READY TO GO

- NO OFFENSE, NONE TAKEN.

- ♪ READY TO GO

- HI, HONEY.

- JUST GETTING RIDOF MY TOYS, MOM.

I'M READY FORTHE REAL THING.

[train engine chugging]

[pop music]

♪ WHOA, WHOA, GIRL

♪ COULD YOU BE THE FIRSTTO TAKE ME ALL THE WAY? ♪

♪ I AIN'T A LITTLE BOYNO MORE ♪

♪ I'M THROWIN' MY TOYS AWAY

♪ TRADE MY SCOOTERFOR A SKATEBOARD ♪

♪ LEAVE THE CRUSTON MY BREAD ♪

♪ I'M DONE WITHTAKING BATHS ♪

♪ I'M TAKING SHOWERS INSTEAD

♪ GOT MY BRACES OFF

♪ I'M ALMOST READYTO SHAVE ♪

♪ I'M NOT AFRAIDOF COOTIES ♪

♪ I'M ALL MANLY AND BRAVE

♪ SO SEND IN A SELFIE

♪ AND IN TEN WORDSOR LESS ♪

♪ TELL US WHY YOUGOT TO BE THE ONE ♪

♪ TO WIN THIS CONTEST

♪ THE FIRST TIME IS SACRED

♪ WANNA SHARE IT WITH YOU

♪ TO GET WITH ME NAKED

♪ GIRL, ONE THINGYOU GOT TO DO ♪

- ♪ WHOA

♪ YOU GOTTO ENTER TO WIN ♪

♪ A CHANCE TO BE WITH ME

♪ SO I CAN ENTER YOUAND LOSE MY VIRGINITY ♪

♪ YOU MUST BE 18 TO WIN

♪ NO PURCHASE NECESSARY

♪ AND I'M LIKEWHOA, WHOA, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, COME ON, BABY

♪ ENTER TO WIN

- IT'S THE ENTER TO WINSWEEPSTAKES.

ONE GRAND PRIZE WINNERAND THREE FRIENDS

WILL BE FLOWN TO ONTARIO,WHERE THEY'LL GET

TO MEET BRYAN IN A HOTELAND TAKE HIS VIRGINITY.

GET YOUR PARENTS' OKAYTO TAKE A SELFIE

AND SEND IT INA STAMPED ENVELOPE

TO THE BRYAN LA CROIXFAN CLUB.

- ♪ GOT TO ENTER TO WIN

♪ A CHANCE TO BE WITH ME

♪ SO I CAN ENTER YOUAND LOSE MY VIRGINITY ♪

♪ COME ON, GIRL,DON'T BE SHY ♪

I'M SO EXCITED FOR WHOEVERWINS THE CONTEST.

IT'S GONNA BEA REALLY TENDER NIGHT.

- AND WATCH "WHEELS ONTARIO"WEEKENDS AT 9:00.

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