The Story of the Toad

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 08/26/1998

Carrie attends a meeting for ugly people, and Antoine performs Operation Backrub in a public park.

WE HAVE SOMEONE NEW INTHE "UGLY CLUB" THIS WEEK.

EVERYONE,THIS IS KERRY.

HI.

HI !HI !HI !

I'D LIKE TO SAYTHAT MY UGLINESS,

IS PROBABLY TEMPORARY,UNLIKE YOURS.

OK, NOW KERRY,

HERE AT THE "UGLY CLUB"

WE DISCUSS THE PAINOF BEING UGLY

IN A CARING,SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT.

OK, WHO WOULD LIKE TO BEGIN?

TONY,

LAST WEEK A CHILDIN A STROLLER,

POINTED AT MEAND SAID I WAS UGLY.

TRICIA,

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MEI'M YOUR BOYFRIEND ?

AW.

THAT'S GOOD YOU TWO, LET IT OUT.

TONY, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAYTHAT MIGHT HELP TRICIA.

BY ALL MEANS KERRY.

TRICIA,

I THINK YOU LOOKLIKE A MONKEY.

KERRY!( gasps )

WE NEVER MAKE NEGATIVE COMMENTSABOUT EACH OTHERS APPEARANCE!

YOU'RE BEING A REAL JERK!

NO I JUST THINK TRICIA MAY BEJUDGING HERSELF BY STANDARDSTHAT DON'T APPLY TO HER.

TRICIA, YOU KNOW THAT STORYABOUT THE UGLY DUCKLING?

SURE, HE DROPS CRUMBS IN THEFOREST TO FIND HIS WAY HOME.

NO IDIOT,

THAT'S THE STORYOF THE TOAD.

REMEMBER, THE UGLY DUCKLINGTURNED INTO A BEAUTIFUL SWAN?

SO MAYBE YOU'RE NOTAN UGLY HUMAN BEING,

BUT A GOOD LOOKING APE,WITH EXCEPTIONAL VERBAL SKILLS

WHAT?

LOOK WE DON'T YOUR SARCASM!

NO, DARREN WAIT,

I THINK KERRY'S TRYING TO HELP

OF COURSE I AM TONY.

COME OVER HEREAND REALLY LOOK AT HER.

THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND!

DARREN PLEASE,

I THINK THIS IS IMPORTANT.

COME HERE AND LOOK.

SLOWLY, DON'T FRIGHTEN HER.

I MAY HAVE A PIECE OF FRUITLEFT OVER FROM LUNCH.

STOP IT!

TRICIA,

THINK OF THAT CHILD LAST WEEK,

NOW, CHILDREN HATE UGLY PEOPLE.

OH, BUT THEY'D LOVEA TALKING MONKEY.

TRICIA,

YOU ARE AN APE !

DARREN !

TRICIA DO YOU WANT THIS ?

NO !

CAREFUL EVERYONE !

NOW REMEMBER,

SHE MAY SPEAK LIKE A HUMAN,BUT APES ARE EXTREMELY STRONG.

YOU THINK YOU CAN PUSH US AROUND

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE STRONGERTHAN WE ARE?

YOU CAN PUT US INTO CAGES,

AND YOU CAN TURN US INTOHUMAN SLAVES,

BUT YOU WILL NEVER,

NEVER BE ABLE TO TAKE AWAY

OUR MUSIC,

OUR POETRY,

OUR ART !

OUR MEMORIESOF A HUMAN WORLD !!!

YOU DIRTY, STINKING, FILTHY APE!

( gasps )I MAY BE AN APE,

BUT YOU'RE ALL AWFUL PEOPLE !

AT LEAST WE ARE PEOPLE!

YOU RED ASSED, TICK PICKING --

DARREN, THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT TONY?

I DO FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

OH GOD, I HAD SEX WITH IT!

IT'S ALL RIGHT DARREN.

NO, I COMMITTED BEASTIALITY.

NO, YOU DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS ANAPE WHEN YOU HAD SEX WITH HER.

BUT I HAD SEX WITH A DOG TOO.

WELL, DID YOU IT WAS A DOGWHEN YOU HAD SEX WITH IT ?

YEAH.

ONE DAY, MR. TOADMADE HIS WAY THROUGH THE FOREST.

HELLO MR. TOAD.

HELLO, HARRY THE HORSE.

ACTUALLY,I'M A HORNLESS UNICORN.

I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICING,

YOU MARKING YOUR PATHWITH BREADCRUMBS,

YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNEDFROM "HANSEL AND GRETEL",

THAT BREADCRUMBSWOULD BE EATEN BY THE BIRDS.

WELL THANK YOU,HARRY THE HORNLESS UNICORN.

HEY PAL,

WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUROWN HORSE BUSINESS ?

I GOT CHILDREN TO FEED.

WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO EAT?

STONES?

I'M NOT A HORSE,YELLOW BIRD,

I'M A VERY RAREHORNLESS UNICORN.

A HORNLESS UNICORNIS JUST A HORSE.

COME ON HARRY,

THERE'S NOTHINGTO BE ASHAMED OF.

YOU'RE JUST A HORSE.

WELL THEN, YOU'RE JUST A FROG.

I'M A TOAD.

YOU'RE A FROG.

DON'T TOUCH MY FRIEND.

OH PLEASE, YOU MUST HELP US,WE JUST KILLED THE WITCH.

OH WHAT HAVE WE DONE?

WE'RE GOING TO PRISON.

OH AH, HANSEL KILLED HER.

ME I JUST WANT TO PUSH HER INTO OVEN,

BUT HANSEL GOES PSYCHOWITH COOKIE CUTTER.

CHILDREN PLEASE,WE'VE GO TO KEEP OUR HEADS,

HARRY, GET ME SEVERAL TOWELS,

SOME CLEANING FLUID,

AND SOME GARBAGE BAGS.

YELLOW BIRD, MAKE SOME COFFEE,AND GET ME A SHOVEL, GO!

LOOK AT THESE CLOTHES !

NO, I KNOW, I LOVE THESE.

SO MUCH ABOUT ?

OH, ANNA !

YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL.

YES PLEASE.

NOW ANNA, THE JOB OF THE FLOWER GIRL

IS TO INSURE THAT THE BRIDEWALKS UPON CHRIST'S BEAUTY.

MIRIAM.

( plays wedding song )

WHOA, ANNA, DON'T SKIP,JUST WALK LIKE WE PRACTICED.

AND GOD SAID,"A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM."

( laughter )

MIRIAM.

DON'T FORGET YOUR BASKET, ANNA.

ANNA, ANNA REMEMBER,

JUST WALK SLOWLIKE WE PRACTICED.

BUT I FORGOT THE BASKET.

WELL DON'T FORGET IT NEXT TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT, ANNA?

YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN,CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

LOVE IS PATIENT,LOVE IS KIND,

IT IS NEVER BOASTFUL OR PROUD.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT ?

THROW THE FLOWERS OUT, ANNA.

AW, COME ON!

ANNA, YOU'RE DOING GREAT, OK.

YOU JUST NEED TO TAKEONE FLOWER OUT AT A TIME.

ONE PLEASE.

LET ME HANDLE THIS, MABEL.

ANNA, REMEMBER WE READ THAT STORY

ABOUT THE FROG AND THE BREADCRUMBS ?

NO.

THE FROG WAS IN THE FOREST,

AND THEN SO HE CANFIND HIS WAY OUT,

HE LEAVES A TRAILOF BREADCRUMBS.

NO.

ANNA WE JUST READ THAT STORY LAST WEEK.

IT WAS A TOAD.

AND MOSES SAID,"THE FOURTH PLAGUE WILL BETOADS DESCENDING UPON"

TOADS.

YES, TOADS ANNA.

I WANT YOU TO BEJUST LIKE THAT TOAD,

LET'S SPEED THINGS UP.

( Anna cries of pain )

HONEY !

I HARDLYTOUCHED HER!

ALRIGHT, LET'S AH,TRY TO INVITE THE HOLY SPIRITINTO THIS REHEARSAL

THAT'S YOUR JOBNOT MINE.

ALRIGHT, MIRIAM.

ANNA, DOES YOUR ARM HURT ?

I DIDN'T HURT HER ARM.

COME ON ANNA,BE LIKE THE TOAD.

YOU'RE NOTEVEN TRYING !

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BEA SPECIAL MAGICAL TIME.

( croaking )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M A TOAD.

GET UP AND BE A HUMAN !

ANNA, I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.

I SAW YOU BE A HORSEIN THE SCHOOL PLAY.

A UNICORN.

IT WAS A HORSE !

I READ THE PROGRAM.

LOOK, AWKWARD GIRLS NEED TO BESMARTER THAN REGULAR GIRLS,

NOW GET IT RIGHT, OR I'M GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE HEAD.

ARE YOU THREATENING HER, DICK ?

AH SHUT UP, AND GET IN YOUR GODDAMN PLACE !

GOD BLESS THOSEWHO WATCH THEIR MOUTH.

GOD NEVER DEALT WITH THAT !

MIRIAM, MUSIC !

THAT'S WHAT TOUGH LOVE GETS YOU, RESULTS !

COME HERE, COME HERE !

COME HERE !

AND THE LORD SAID,"HAVE YOU HUGGED YOURKIDS TODAY AND, AND..."

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