8th of July Celebration!

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 07/08/2015

Hannibal Buress confronts a famous Internet troll, finds a new way to deal with cops and celebrates the 8th of July.

RECENTLY, I'VE BEEN TROLLEDBY THIS ONE PERSON

WHO IS ON ME DAY AND NIGHT.

I GOT TWEETS LIKE THIS...

"I USED TO BELIEVEIN FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

THEN I WATCHED HANNIBAL BURESSDO STAND-UP COMEDY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

"HANNIBAL BURESSSHOULD KILL HIMSELF

BECAUSE HE HAS NO TALENT EXCEPTFOR BEING A SQUINTY [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THIS ONE REALLY HURT.

"YOU'RE LIKE A LESS FUNNYTAVIS SMILEY."

I HATE BEING COMPAREDTO TAVIS SMILEY.

I THINK I'M WAY FUNNIERTHAN TAVIS SMILEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT WAS THE BREAKING POINTFOR ME.

I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

SO I GOT THE COMEDY CENTRALI.T. DEPARTMENT

TO TRACK DOWN THE I.P. ADDRESSOF THIS PERSON.

FROM THAT, I WAS ABLETO FIND OUT WHERE THEY LIVE,

AND IT WAS ON.

HERE'S THE TAPE.

WANT TO TALKA LOT OF TRASH ONLINE,

BUT THEY NEVER WANTTO SAY ANYTHING TO YOUR FACE.

[BLEEP] THAT [BLEEP] MAN.

YEESH.

THAT CAR LOOK LIKEIT WENT THROUGH

THE STREET FIGHTER BONUS ROUND.

YIKES.

OH, LOOK AT THIS HOUSE.

I CAN SEE WHY THIS PERSON'SSO ANGRY.

[ KNOCKS ON DOOR ]

[ KEYBOARD CLACKING ]

HEY!

AMY SCHUMER!WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

YOU TROLLING ME?

NO.NOPE.

THEN WHO SAID,

"HANNIBAL IS SUCH A STRONG NAMEFOR A WEAK ACT"?

NO, I DIDN'T.

YOU WAS JUST MOUTHING ALONG.

AMY, WHY WOULD YOU DO --I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!

NO ONE'S FRIENDS IN COMEDY,HANNIBAL!

WAKE UP.

WE'RE TOO SELF-INVOLVED.WE CAN'T HAVE FRIENDS.

THERE'S --

AMY, THERE'S NO FLIES.

NO, THERE'S FLIES HERE.

YOU JUST -- YOU CAN'T SEE THEM,BUT YOU CAN HEAR THEM.

I THINK YOU NEEDTO SEE A THERAPIST.

I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THERAPY.I'M FINE.

YOU OBVIOUSLY --

LOOK, I WEIGH 160 POUNDS,

AND I CAN CATCH A DICKWHENEVER I WANT.

WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?YOU KEEP SAYING THAT.

[ MUFFLED ] IT'S TRUE.

WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TIMETO DO THIS?

DON'T YOU HAVE A MOVIE COMINGOUT NEXT WEEK OR SOMETHING?

YES!I HAVE A MOVIE COMING OUT.

IT'S GONNA BE RELEASEDJULY 17TH TO A THEATER NEAR YOU,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

[ WHISPERS ]PLEASE SEE IT.

THAT'S NOTWHAT THIS IS ABOUT!

THIS IS ABOUT YOU TRYINGTO MOVE IN ON MY TERRITORY.

I'M NOT TRYING TO MOVE INON YOUR TERRITORY.

COMEDY CENTRAL'S MY NETWORK.

-NO.-YES!

IT'S OWNED BY VIACOM!

-WE CAN'T BOTH HAVE TV SHOWS.-YES, WE CAN.

I WANT PEOPLE TO WATCH MY SHOW,NOT YOUR SHOW.

THERE'S OTHER SHOWSON COMEDY CENTRAL.

SO WHAT? NOBODY WATCHESTWO TELEVISION SHOWS.

LOTS OF PEOPLE WATCHTWO TELEVISION SHOWS!

NAME ONE PERSON THAT WATCHESTWO TELEVISION SHOWS!

HANNIBAL BURESS!

WHAT TWO TELEVISION SHOWSDO YOU WATCH?

"EXTREME COUPONING"

AND "EXTREME COUPONING:DALLAS EDITION."

THERE'S A DALLAS EDITION?

THERE'S A DALLAS EDITIONOF "EXTREME COUPONING."

IT'S BETTER?

IT'S JUST MORE SPECIFICAND LOCALIZED.

I LIKE THAT PART OF IT.

GOD!

THERE'S NO FLIES, AMY.

PULL IT TOGETHER!

THERE'S MONEY FOR EVERYBODYOUT HERE.

I GOT [BLEEP]I WANT TO BUY.

[ VOICE BREAKING ]I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

I THINK A LOT OF WHATYOU'RE SAYING IS PROBABLY TRUE.

[ SNIFFLES ]AND I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT.

FROM WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,YOU'RE NOT REALLY ANGRY AT ME.

YOU'RE MAD AT YOURSELFAND YOU HAVE SOME...DEMONS --

NOT BIG DEMONS,BUT MAYBE SMALL DEMONS.

[ NORMAL VOICE ]I'VE GOT BIG DEMONS.

YOU'VE GOT BIG DEMONS?

I'M NOT WEARING A BRA,

BUT, I MEAN,THEY'RE -- THEY'RE BIG.

OKAY.

SO, YOU JUST HAVE SOME STUFFGOING ON INSIDE OF YOU

THAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH,

AND IT'S NOTREALLY PERSONAL ABOUT ME.

SO, I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

[ CRYING ]

UM, ALL RIGHT.

SO, WE'RE -- WE'RE GOOD?

YEAH.

CONGRATULATIONSON THE MOVIE.

UH, YOU STILL WANTTO GRAB LUNCH ON WEDNESDAY?

[ SNIFFLES ]YEAH, FOR SURE.

COOL.

COULD YOU PICK ME UP?MY CAR EXPLODED.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO MY SHOW.

THIS SHOW IS CALLED"WHY? WITH HANNIBAL BURESS,"

AND PART OF ME REALLY LIKESTHE NAME OF MY SHOW,

AND PART OF ME THINKSTHEY DID IT

BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE ITREALLY EASY TO REPLACE ME

AND SLAP SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAMEON IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ACTUALLY, MY FIRST CHOICEWAS TO HOST "FAMILY FEUD,"

BUT IT CAME DOWNTO ME AND STEVE HARVEY,

AND THE BETTER MAN WON.

I GOT TO RESPECT HIM.

I LIKE THE "WHY" PARTOF THE SHOW

BECAUSE IT ALLOWS ME TO ASKQUESTIONS ABOUT ANYTHING.

LIKE WHY ARE WE COOL WITHCAITLYN JENNER BECOMING A WOMAN,

BUT WE AREN'T COOLWITH CALLING A WOMAN BRUCE?

OR...

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR, LIKE,WHY ARE WE LETTING DONALD TRUMP

RUN FOR PRESIDENTLIKE IT'S COOL?

HE'S -- IT'S NOT COOL.

HE'S FILED FOR BANKRUPTCYFOUR TIMES.

THAT'S LIKE ASKING GREECETO BE PRESIDENT.

AND WHY IS GREECEGOING BROKE RIGHT NOW?

GREECE WAS HOMETO THE ANCIENT PHILOSOPHERS,

LIKE SOCRATES AND PLATO.

AND LIKE PHILOSOPHY MAJORSEVERYWHERE,

THEY'RE BROKE AS [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I UNDERSTAND.I UNDERSTAND, GREECE.

I'VE BEEN THERE.I'VE BEEN BROKE.

IT SUCKS,BUT YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT.

HERE'S MY ADVICE TO GREECE.

IF THE PHONE RINGS,DON'T ANSWER IT.

IT'S A BILL COLLECTOR.JUST DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND IF YOU DO ANSWER THE PHONEON ACCIDENT,

ACT LIKE YOU'RE GERMANY

AND SAY THAT GREECEDOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GREECE, YOU NEED TO GETYOUR [BLEEP] TOGETHER

OR YOU'RE GONNA END UP

SLEEPING ON TURKEY'S COUCH,YOU LOSER.