Donald Trump: Tax Code Genius

October 3, 2016 - James Marsden 10/03/2016 Views: 103,420

A report finds that Donald Trump may have avoided paying taxes for 18 years, prompting campaign surrogates to argue that he's the best person to fix the tax code he duped. (5:50)

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It's officially October, whichis an especially scary month

for presidential candidates.And not because of Halloween,

you know, uh,when pumpkins are mutilated,

but because of what's calledthe October surprise.

Basically, it's the ideathat a big scandal could break

right before the electionand sink a candidate.

Like, for instance,Mitt Romney and his 47% tape.

Or Teddy Rooseveltand his secret bear wife.

Uh, which completelyruined his candidacy.

But you got to admitthe kids were adorable.

And... and with Donald Trump,

it looks like the surprise

is that he's gonna do itfor all of October.

Yeah. Because already,

there was the storyof Trump's sexism

on the set of The Apprentice.

And BuzzFeed exposed himappearing in a porno.

And then Saturday came thebiggest scandal yet this month.

The New York Times published leaked documents

showing Trump declareda $916 million dollar loss

on his 1995 income tax returns.

That decision "could haveallowed him to legally avoid

paying any federal income taxfor up to 18 years."

That's right, people.Mr. Billionaire could have paid

no income tax at all for 18 years.

Because he lost $916 million.

Lost it. Yeah.

The only way this would makeTrump look worse

is if we found out that he alsoclaimed a small hands deduction.

That's the only waythis would get worse.

And-and while it's truethat he was probably

only paying what waslegally required of him,

it still looks bad,especially given how

he's the onewho's come out in the past

against the exact same thing.

TRUMP: You do have a problem,because half of the people

don't pay any tax.People that aren't also working,

that are not contributingto this society,

and it's a problem.

What I don't like is if you make$200 million a year,

you pay ten percent,you're paying very little,

relatively, to somebodythat's making $50,000 a year.

I know people that are makinga tremendous amount of money

and paying virtually no tax,and I think it's unfair.

"I know these people. I knowthese people so well, folks,

because them is me."

♪ Bom, bom, bom!

Now, at first it seemed weird

that the guy who says

rich people who don't pay taxesare a disgrace,

uh, turns out to also be arich guy who doesn't pay taxes.

But-but that was before I sawTeam Trump polish the turd

and explainwhat was really going on.

I understand the tax laws betterthan almost anyone.

Which is why I am onewho can truly fix them.

The man's a genius. He knowshow to operate the tax code

for the benefitof the people he's serving.

There's no one who's shownmore genius in-in their way

to maneuver around the tax code.

This is actually a very, verygood story for Donald Trump.

I love how Chris Christie soundslike he believes that.

Like, "No, no, 'cause no one'sthat good a liar. Com..."

It's like he Jedi mind-trickedhimself.

He was just like,"This is a good story.

"Everyone respects me.I'm not Trump's bitch.

"This is a good story.This is good.

"This is good.

I don't know anythingabout the bridge."

But, uh, back to Trump,what if they're right?

Think about it.

Who could fix a broken systembetter

than the guywho's built his whole empire

on that broken system?

That's the best wayto catch criminals, right?

I mean, the police is the bestway. But, still, in movies,

you catch themwith other criminals.

Trump is DiCaprioin Catch Me if You Can

or Connery in The Rock, only he is the Rock.

In fact, when you lookat Trump's entire campaign

like this, it makes sense.

What if all those years he spentnot paying his fair share,

he did it to show ushow unfair the system was?

In fact,this could explain so many

of the other unsavory thingsDonald Trump has been doing.

All of his sexist commentson women

are just exposing how rampantsexism in America is

and how we all needto come to grips

with our internal misogyny.

And what about body shaming?

Trump has raisedso much awareness

about the crueltyoverweight people can face.

I mentioned food stamps,

and that guy who'sseriously overweight went crazy.

I'm not eating Oreos anymore.You know that.

But neither is Chris!

You're not eating Oreos anymore.

A lot of you folkshave weight problems.

He called this woman Miss Piggy.

She came to my wedding.

She ate like a pig. And...

Seriously,the wedding cake was-was...

It was, like, missing in action.

Do you see how braveDonald Trump is?

He sacrificedhis second wedding cake.

I mean, maybe it was his third.The point is,

he's brought America's skeletonsout of the closet.

And nowhere is Trump'sselfless work more evident

than with the issue of racism.

A lot of people didn't realizehow bad the bigotry

in this country wasuntil this beautiful non-bigot

exposed it for all to see.

When Mexico sends its people,

they're bringing drugs,

they're bringing crime.

They're rapists.

A total and complete shutdown

of Muslims enteringthe United States.

Oh, you racists are so busted!

Ha-ha!

Thanks, Donald!

We would have never knownabout racism until he tricked

half of the country intorevealing how hateful it is.

And now we can all sleep betterat night.

This is such a relief.Think about it, people.

All this time we thoughtthat Trump was a bad person,

but, really, he's a hero.

Trump is forcing us to examineall the things wrong

with America by selflesslyembodying its worst traits.

Well, I mean, it's that

or he's a petty,attention-seeking conman

whose temper, ignorance, andnarcissism will destroy us all.

But either way, in 35 days,we'll find out.