Bibi's Big Adventure

March 3, 2015 - Sigourney Weaver 03/03/2015 Views: 562,282

Without consulting with the White Hour beforehand, Speaker of the House John Boehner invites Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to appear before Congress. (9:52)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)♪♪

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW"!

NICE TO SEE YOU!

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

COMING UP ON TONIGHT'S SHOW,WE'VE GOT A GREAT ONE.

OUR OLD FRIEND ACTRESS SIGOURNEYWEAVER IS GOING TO

BE JOINING US! BUT FIRST!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I DO ALSO WANT TO ALSO,

I WANT TO THANK WWE LAST NIGHT.

THEY SHOWED MY SON AND I.

SUCH WONDERFUL HOSPITALITY. IREALLY APPRECIATE IT.

ONE QUICK QUESTION TO THEM, IF IMAY, YOU MIGHT NOT --

HOW DO YOU GET BALL MARKSOUT OF YOUR SHOE?

IS THAT SOMETHING YOU BUFF?

BUT FIRST, BEFORE THAT, SHALOM.

MY FRIENDS, WELCOME TO A VERYSPECIAL NIGHT.

THE PRIME MINISTER OF ISRAEL,BENJAMIN NETANYAHU, ADDRESSED

CONGRESS TODAY IN OBSERVANCEOF THE SACRED JEWISH HOLIDAY

OF "SUUK-ON-IT-MR. PRESIDENT."IT WAS -- IT WAS --

(LAUGHTER)IT WAS A FESTIVAL OF SLIGHTS.

IT'S A BLESSED TRADITION DATINGBACK ALL THE WAY TO JANUARY WHEN

HOUSE SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNERINVITED NETANYAHU TO SPEAK TO

CONGRESS WITHOUT CONSULTING THEWHITE HOUSE!

WHY DIDN'T THE SPEAKER RUN IT BYTHE WHITE HOUSE?

>> I DID NOT CONSULT WITH THEWHITE HOUSE.

THE CONGRESS CAN MAKE THISDECISION ON ITS OWN.

>> IS THIS JUST A WAY TO SORT OFPOKE THE PRESIDENT IN THE EYE?

>> I DON'T BELIEVE I'M POKINGANYONE IN THE EYE.

(LAUGHTER)I'M MERELY TAKING A SHARP

STICK --, THRUSTING IT FORWARDAT COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF CORNEA

LEVEL -- THAT'S WHERE THISPRESIDENT KEEPS HIS EYES --

I AM GROOT.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, BENJAMIN NETANYAHU

WAS ON HAND TO EXPLAIN TO OURCONGRESS WHY OUR PRESIDENT

SHOULD NOT BE NEGOTIATING ANUCLEAR DEAL WITH IRAN,

AND EVEN THOUGH NETANYAHUWAS SPEAKING ONLY TWO WEEKS

BEFORE THE ISRAELI ELECTIONS, HEWASN'T THERE, JUST TO USE OUR

CONGRESS AS THE MOST ELABORATECAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL BACKDROP

EVER.

>> I FEEL I AM REPRESENTING ALLTHE CITIZENS OF ISRAEL, EVEN

THOSE WHO DO NOT AGREE WITH ME,A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ENTIRE

JEWISH PEOPLE.

I FEEL A DEEP AND SINCERECONCERN FOR THE SAFETY OF ALL

THE CITIZENS OF ISRAEL AND THEFATE OF THE STATE

AND THE FATE OF OUR PEOPLE.

>> Jon: I SPEAK FOR ALL JEWS!

INCLUDING THE ONES WHO DON'TWANT ME TO!

BECAUSE THOSE JEWS ARE WRONG!

THEY'LL THANK ME.

THE TRUTH IS, NO ONE CAN SPEAKFOR ALL JEWS, FOR WE ARE A

VARIED AND HETERODOXICAL PEOPLE,A RICH TAPESTRY OF JUDAIC AND

TALMUDIC -- WE LIKE TO ARGUE.

WE HAVE A LOT OF OPINIONS ONTHINGS.

SOMETHING CNN THOUGHTTHEY'D WANTED TO GET IN ON

BY MIXING THE SPOKESPERSONFOR THE LEFT LEANING J-STREET

AND RABBI SHMULEY BOTEACH.

>> THIS IS ONE OF THE MOSTREPUGNANT ACTS --

>> ABSOLUTELY. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSEME. EXCUSE ME --

>> ONE OF THE MOST -- EXCUSEUS, RABBI BOTEACH. EXCUSE US.

>> JEREMY YOU NEED TO LEARN TOHOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN ON

TELEVISION, ALLOW OTHER PEOPLETO SPEAK.

>> OKAY, GENTLEMEN, RABBI --

>> Jon: WHEN DID CNN STARTHOSTING MY FAMILY'S SEDERS?

NO -- I'LL TELL -- YOU SHUT!! --

AND NOT FOR NOTHING!

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S PATRONIZINGCNN TO CHANGE TO CHANGE YOUR

NORMAL STAR WIPE TO THIS?

>> WE'LL GET OVER IT...

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ON CNN.

I GUESS THEY COULDN'T PULL OFFTHE BATMAN-SPINNING YAMAKA WIPE!

I GUESS FROM NOW ON THIS IS HOWCNN IS GOING TO BE SHOWN IN

AIRPORTS --(LAUGHTER)

HOW WILL THE OBAMAADMINISTRATION HANDLE THIS

UNPRECEDENTED EYE POKE?

>> I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TOREALIZE THE DEPTH OF THE

U.S.-ISRAELI RELATIONSHIP.

UNDER MY ADMINISTRATION,BILLIONS OF DOLLARS HAVE GONE TO

SUPPORT ISRAEL'S SECURITY, ANDTHE MILITARY AND INTELLIGENCE

COOPERATION IS UNPRECEDENTED.

THAT BOND IS UNBREAKABLE.

>> THAT'S HOW POWERFUL ISRAELIS.

THE THE PRIME MINISTER COMESHERE PUBLICLY SLAPS OBAMA IN

THE FACE AND THE PRESIDENT'SRESPONSE IS IT'S OKAY, IN FACT,

EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW I'M BUYINGHIM GLOVES SO WHEN HE HITS ME

IT DOESN'T HURTHIS HAND AS MUCH!

(LAUGHTER)NOT THAT THERE WON'T BE ANY

REPERCUSSIONS.

>> THE WHITE HOUSE OFFERING ANICY WELCOME TO ISRAELI

PRIME MINISTER BENJAMINNETANYAHU.

THE PRESIDENT WILL NOT BESITTING DOWN OR MEETING

WITH NETANYAHU THIS WEEK.

>> JOE BIDEN IN GUATEMALA TODAYIS SNUBBING NETANYAHU'S SPEECH.

>> Jon: RIGHT, RIGHT,RIGHT, RIGHT, THAT'S WHY THE

VICE PRESIDENT IS IN GUATEMALA,TO SNUB THE SPEECH, NOT TO

PROTECT MRS. NETANYAHU FROMGROPER CLEVELAND.

(LAUGHTER)(GROANING)

ALL THESE GLOBAL TENSIONS MUSTBE TIGHTENING YOUR SHOULDERS!

MMM!

LET ME JUST BITE A LITTLE BIT OFYOUR NECK, NYUM NYUM NYUM NYUM

NYUM!

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT DID

GENTLY POINT OUT THE UPROAR THATWOULD HAVE OCCURRED HAD A

DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS INVITED AFOREIGN LEADER WHO WAS

CRITICIZING A REPUBLICANPRESIDENT.

>> WHEN GEORGE W. BUSHHAD INITIATED THE WAR IN IRAQ,

HAD THEY INVITED LET'S SAY THEPRESIDENT OF FRANCE TO

APPEAR BEFORE CONGRESS TOCRITICIZE OR TO AIR THOSE

DISAGREEMENTS, I THINK MOSTPEOPLE WOULD SAY,

WELL, THAT WOULDN'THAVE BEEN THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

>> Jon: RIGHT, THEY MIGHT HAVESAID THAT OR GONE (BLEEP)

BANANAS!

REPUBLICANS WOULD HAVE DEMANDEDTHE INVITERS BE ARRESTED FOR

SEDITION AND TREASON!

I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST FORFRANCE NOT JOINING OUR COALITION

REPUBLICANS OFFICIALLY HAD THEWORD "FRENCH" REMOVED FROM

CAPITOL BUILDING FRIES ANDRENAMED KETCHUP.

I HAVE TO ADMIT, AFTER ALL THATBUILDUP, I WAS PRETTY EXCITED

FOR THE SPEECH ITSELF, BUTNOWHERE NEAR AS EXCITED AS

CONGRESS WHICH CHEEREDSO LOUDLY AS NETANYAHU

ENTERED THE ROOM THEYBROKE C-SPAN'S SOUND EQUIPMENT.

>> THE PRIME MINISTER OF ISRAEL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(AUDIO STATIC)

>> Jon: I WAS A MIRACLE, ASTANDING OVATION THAT WAS

TO LAST FOR JUST ONE MINUTEMIRACULOUSLY LASTED EIGHT.

OH MY GOD, IT WAS THE STATE OFTHE UNION ADDRESS THE

REPUBLICANS WANTED DELIVERED BYTHE LEADER THEY WISH THEY HAD

AND NETANYAHU WASTED NO TIMEEXPLAINING WHY THERE WAS

NO TIME TO WASTE.

>> THAT'S WHY THIS DEAL IS SOBAD.

IT DOESN'T BLOCK IRAN'S PATH TOTHE BOMB, IT PAVES IRAN'S PATH

TO THE BOMB. IRAN'S BREAKOUTTIME WOULD BE VERY SHORT, ABOUT

YEAR BY US ASSESSMENT, EVENSHORTER BY ISRAEL'S.

>> Jon: WELL, OF COURSE, THEJEWISH ASSESSMENT IS GOING TO BE

A LITTLE SHORTER.

WE LIKE TO CUT A LITTLE OFF THETIP.

THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE TO DO AS A-- BUT HOLY [BLEEP]!

(LAUGHTER)ONE YEAR!

BIBI, IF IRAN IS THAT CLOSE, WHYDIDN'T YOU BRING THAT URGENT

WARNING ABOUT IRAN GOING NUCLEARSOONER?

OH WAIT, YOU DID.

APPARENTLY TIME WAS ALSO RUNNINGOUT 19 YEARS AGO.

>> THE MOST DANGEROUS OF THESEREGIMES IS IRAN.

IF THIS REGIME OR ITSDESPOTIC NEIGHBOR IRAQ WERE TO

ACQUIRE NUCLEAR WEAPONSTHIS COULD PRESAGE

CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES.

ONLY THE UNITED STATES CAN LEADTHIS VITAL INTERNATIONAL EFFORT

TO STOP THE NUCLEARIZATION OFTERRORIST STATES.

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

WE HAVE TO ACT.

>> Jon: WHY IS HE NOT AGING?

(LAUGHTER)IT REALLY SEEMS THE BIGGER STORY

HERE IS NOT WILL IRANGET A NUCLEAR WEAPON BUT

MORE THE WORLD NEEDS NETANYAHU'SANTI-AGING SECRET BECAUSE

IT CAN'T JUST BE CHICKPEASOIL AND LEMON.

IT JUST CAN'T BE! IT CAN'T BETHAT EASY!

BUT THIS BRINGS UP THE DIFFICULTISSUE, WHAT MANY IN OUR

GOVERNMENT LOVE ABOUT NETANYAHUIS HIS CONVICTION AND

HIS CERTAINTY.

>> IN THE MIDDLE EAST IRAN NOWDOMINATES FOUR ARAB CAPITALS,

BAGHDAD, DAMASCUS, BEIRUT ANDSANAA.

>> Jon: WE HAVE TO ACT.

LOOK HOW IRAN HAS EXPANDED ITSPOWER SINCE THE FALL OF

SADDAM HUSSEIN AND THEDESTABILIZATION OF THE REGION!

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOTWOULDN'T HAVE SEEN THAT COMING

IN 2002?

OH, SHALOM!

>> IF YOU TAKE OUT SADDAM,SADDAM'S REGIME, I GUARANTEE YOU

THAT A IT WILL HAVE ENORMOUSPOSITIVE REVERBERATIONS ON THE

REGION.

THE REVERBERATIONS OF WHATHAPPENS WITH THE COLLAPSE OF

SADDAM'S REGIME COULD VERY WELLCREATE AN IMPLOSION IN A

NEIGHBORING REGIME LIKE IRAN.

>> Jon: OR THE OPPOSITE.

BUT IN THE HOUSE CHAMBER, THEREWAS NO SUCH REFLECTING.

NETANYAHU WRAPPED HIS SPEECH UPAND IT WAS TIME FOR ANOTHER TEN

MINUTES OF APPLAUSE.

WHETHER OR NOT NETANYAHUACHIEVED HIS GOALS OF SABOTAGING

A DEAL WITH IRAN OR MISTAKENLYOPENED UP A RIFT IN

U.S.-ISRAELI RELATIONS, ONETHING IS CERTAIN -- THE

IN-CHAMBER RESPONSE TO THISSPEECH WAS BY FAR THE LONGEST

BLOWJOB A JEWISH MAN HAS EVERRECEIVED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)