HI, AND WELCOME TO"TRADING SPOUSES,"
THE SHOW WHERE WE TAKETWO MARRIED COUPLES,
AND YOU GUESSED IT,
MAKE THEM TRADE SPOUSESFOR A WHOLE MONTH.
WATCH THE SPARKS FLY TODAY,
BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIMEON OUR SHOW,
WE'RE GOING INTERRACIAL.
( man )DADDY'S GOING AWAY FORA LITTLE WHILE, ALL RIGHT ?
I'M GONNA LIVEWITH A WHITE FAMILY.
Y'ALL BE GOOD.
WHAT YOU GOIN' BE DOIN'WITH A WHITE FAMILY ?
IT'S A T.V. SHOW,SAY HI TO AMERICA.
ANYBODY TRY AND TOUCHYOUR MOTHER,
PUNCH HIM IN HIS DICK.
LOOK, SON, DAD'S GOINGAWAY FOR A FEW WEEKS.
SO, I WANT YOU TOBE GOOD, OKAY, SQUIRT ?
WHATEVER.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, ESKIMO KISSES.
YOU MUST BELITTLE T-MART.
WOULD YOU LIKE TOCALL ME DADDY, HMM ?
IS IT OKAY IFI CALL YOU MR. DEEZ ?
MR. DEEZ ?
DEEZ NUTS !
I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT'S HAPPENIN' ?
YOU MUST BE LEONARD.
THAT'S RIGHT.
CAN I CALL YOUDADDY ?
HELL NO.
ONLY YOUR MAMACALLS ME DADDY.
HERE, MOP TOP, TAKEMY BAG UP TO MY ROOM.
AND IF I FIND OUT YOU BEENGOING THROUGH MY SHIT,
I'M GONNA BEAT YOUIN YOUR ASS, YOU UNDERSTAND ?
HMM.
WELL, WELCOME,IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE,COME ON, GIRL.
OH-- OH, YES.
I DON'T SMELLNO DINNER COOKING.
RUN ON, MAKE SOME GRITS.
RUN ON.
WHAT YOU COOKIN'FOR DINNER, MISTER ?
OH, YEAH, WELL, I'M GLADYOU ASKED, LITTLE BUDDY.
UM, THIS HERE ISCAULIFLOWER.
THIS ISCORNED BEEF HASH.
AND THESE ARE PARSNIPS.
WHAT THE FUCKIS A PARSNIP ?
LEONARD,JUST SO YOU KNOW,
TODD WOULD USUALLY DOTHE DISHES AFTER DINNER.
WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
HIS ASS WILL BE BACKAPRIL 13th.
GO ON,DO YOUR THING, GIRL.
MOP TOP...
YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK ?
YEAH.
WELL, GO ON UPSTAIRSAND WASH YOUR ASS
AND THEN WE'LLWATCH MARTIN LAWRENCE.
WANT ME TO LIGHT YOURCIGARETTE FOR YOU TOO ?
YOU BETTER CHECKYOUR TONE, GIRL,
GET YOURINSIDE VOICE ON
BEFORE I PUT YOUR ASSOUTSIDE, MM.
RACIAL PROFILING ?
WHO THE FUCK ISRENEE "ZELLWEDGER" ?
WHAT'S WRONG, SWEETIE ?
T-MART'S BEENBACK-TALKING ME,
AND I NEED YOU TOTAKE CARE OF IT FOR ME.
T-MART...
EXCUSE ME,I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE IN BIGTROUBLE, MISTER.
WHAT, YOU GONNAHIT ME OR SOMETHING ?
YOU'RE GOING ONTIME-OUT.
FOR 15 MINUTES, OKAY ?
YEAH--
STARTING NOW,T-MART.
TIME-OUT !
TIME-OUT IS SWEET !
HALLE BERRY,HERE I COME.
( rap music booming )
HEY, MOP TOP !
WHAT THE HELLYOU LISTENING TO ?
IT'S THE NEW 50 CENT.
I'M FROMTHE STREETS, MAN.
G-G-G-G-G-G...G-UNIT.
COME ON,GET IN THE CAR.
G-G-G-G-G-G... GET YO' ASSIN THE CAR, GO ON !
WELL, HERE YOU ARE, MOP TOP,HOME SWEET HOME, THE 'HOOD.
ALL RIGHT,LITTLE FELLA,
SAY HELLO TO YOURPEOPLE FOR ME.
AND TELL 'EMWHEN YOU SEE 'EM,
THAT LEONARD WASHINGTON ISGLAD HE MADE IT OUT, GO ON.
GO ON.
G-G-G-G-G-G...GOOD-BYE.
AND IF YOU NEED MONEY,SELL ROCKS,
I HEARD THAT'S WHATTHEY DO AROUND HERE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?
DAMN, BITCH, WHAT'S THIS,A LIGHT SABER OR SOMETHING ?
NIGHT-NIGHT.
HMM.
DO YOU WANNA HAVESEX WITH ME, TODD ?
YES, I WOULDLIKE THAT VERY MUCH.
OKAY.
OH !
UH, EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU MIND IF I TURN OFFTHIS R & B MUSIC ?
I KINDA WANNAHEAR YOU BREATHING.
OKAY.ALL RIGHT.
UH, DO YOU WANNA TAKE OFFYOUR PAJAMA BOTTOMS ?
ACTUALLY, I'D FEEL MORECOMFORTABLE IF I JUST
PULLED MY PENISTHROUGH THIS HOLE.
I'M SORRY, BABY,I DON'T GO SOUTH OF THE BORDER.
THAT'S JUST ONE THING THATLEONARD WASHINGTON DON'T DO.
BUT-- BUT, LEONARD,IT'S OKAY, I'M WAXED.
DAMN !
NOW, I DONE HEARD OFTRIMMING THE HEDGES,
BUT YOU DONESCORCHED THE EARTH.
( sniffing )
I SMELL YOURLIGHT SABER.
LIGHT SABER ?
( buzzing )
LEONARD AND I HARDLYEVEN TALK ANYMORE.
THE OTHER NIGHT HE CAME HOMEAT THREE IN THE MORNING.
I HAD NO IDEAWHERE HE WAS.
HE USES PROFANITYAROUND JEFFREY.
I JUST DON'T FEELLIKE WE'RE SHARING.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE THERE'SANY RECIPROCITY THERE.
( therapist )HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUTALL THIS, LEONARD ?
BITCH, I'LL NEVERFORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.
GO ON, GET IN THE CAR,WARM IT UP.
THIS IS GOOD,YOU CAN LET OUT
WHATEVER YOU FEELIN HERE, LEONARD.
ALL RIGHT, I'MA TELL YOURIGHT NOW, I AIN'T CRAZY,
I DON'T NEED NOPSYCHIATRIST.
AND IF YOU EVER TELLANYBODY I'VE BEEN IN HERE,
I'LL FUCKIN' KILL YA.
IT'S CONFIDENTIALHERE, LEONARD.
I WON'T TELL ANYONE,IT'S JUST BETWEEN US.
WELL THEN,CONFIDENTIALLY,
I AM CRAZY, AND I'LLFUCKIN' KILL YA.
WELL, IT'S BEENA WILD AND CRAZY MONTH.
LET'S SEE WHAT OUR INTERRACIALFAMILIES HAVE LEARNED.
I LEARNEDA LOT FROM SHARRON
AND I LEARNED A LOTFROM LITTLE T-MART.
AND QUITE FRANKLY,I'LL MISS THEM BOTH VERY MUCH.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIMEIN MY LIFE...
I TASTED BROWN SUGAR,AND NOT IN MY OATMEAL.
( chuckles )
YEAH, BEING ON THIS SHOWTAUGHT ME THAT,
NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME FROM,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?
OR WHAT COLOR YOUR SKIN IS,
WE ALL PRETTY MUCH DOTHE SAME THINGS IN LIFE.
RAISE OUR KIDS, MAKE LOVE FROMTIME TO TIME, AND WASH.
SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I LEARNED THAT WHITE PEOPLEDON'T USE WASHCLOTHS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT ?
I'M SERIOUS, THEY HAVEONE BAR OF SOAP IN THE HOUSE.
EVERY TIME I USED IT, SOMEBODYELSE'S PUBIC HAIR WAS IN IT.
SO USE THE CLOTH.
WHY YOUR ASS GOT TO PUTTHE RAW BAR OF SOAP
IN YOUR BUTT AND ALL THIS ?
MAYBE I NEED TO WASH MY FACEOR MY FEET.
TODD AND LEONARD AREVERY DIFFERENT.
ALTHOUGH LEN ISTHE LOVE OF MY LIFE,
IN A DIFFERENT WORLD, I COULDSEE MYSELF WITH TODD.
ALTHOUGH THEPENIS-THROUGH-THE-HOLE THING
WAS KIND OF WEIRD.
AND I AM MISSINGSOME OF MY DRAWERS.
OH...
OH, MY GOSH--HO-HO.
TITTY RESIDUE--
HELLO... HELLO ?