Let's get back to the big story,ladies and gentlemen.
The big storythat started last night.
Overnight,another exploding controversy.
Donald Trump's son,Donald Trump, Jr.,
posted on Twitter an image
arguing against admittingrefugees into the United States.
Let's put that upon the screen for you.
Here it is. It reads,"If I had a bowl of Skittles,
"and I told youjust three would kill you,
"would you take a handful?
That's our Syrianrefugee problem."
(audience groaning and booing)
I don't... I don't knowwho should be more offended
by this (bleep) Trump analogy--
-Syrians or Skittles...-(laughter)
...or poison or bowlsor analogies--
because, first of all,
Syrian refugees aren't Skittles.
How do I know this?
Because I've beentrick-or-treating for years,
and I've never gottenSyrian refugees in my bag.
-(laughter)-And I've got weird neighbors.
But let's take a lookat this real quick.
Like, if you were comparingtaking in refugees
to taking a handful of Skittles,
then you've got to getyour scale right, all right?
Because the Cato Institute,
a typically conservativethink tank,
calculated the chancesof an American being killed
by a refugee in a terror attack,
and those chances are onein three-and-a-half billion.
All right?Those are the chances.
In fact,Vox did the numbers, and
this picture they createdshows you what size bowl
those three poison Skittleswould have to be in
for this analogy to be accurate.
It's probably more likelythat you will die
from choking on actual Skittlesthan a refugee.
In fact, in fact,it seems, it seems
even the candy company itselfunderstands
international relationsbetter than Trump.
MAN: The parent companyof Skittles responded
in a statement to NBC Newssaying, "Skittles are candy.
"Refugees are people.
We don't feelit's an appropriate analogy."
Nicely played, Skittles.
-(cheers and applause)-Nicely played. Yeah.
They said that... they said thatin a really polite way,
but what they really wantedto say was,
"Taste that rainbow, bitch!"
It's just... it's just so dumb.
It's such a terrible analogyto use, you know.
Actually, Jordan Klepperand I were chatting
about this earlier,and he made a good point.
So, please, actually, welcomeJordan Klepper, everybody.
(cheers and applause)
What's up, JK? What's up, JK?
What's up, man?
-So, Jordan, we were chattingabout this earlier. -Yes.
Um, so, if I had a bowlof Skittles, all right,
and I told you
that three of those Skittlescould kill you...
-Mm-hmm.-...would you eat the Skittles?
No, no, the Skittle...
It's what we were talking aboutearlier, so if I...
-If the bowl...-Mm-hmm.
...had three poison Skittles...-Right.
-...would you eat the bowl?-Yeah.
-(laughter) -Well, oh,I would not eat the bowl.
You use the bowl as a container.
You eat the poison Skittlesinside.
No. No, no, no.I'm saying... I'm saying...
It's howwe do it in America, Trevor.
Why do you thinkyou came out here?
Well, I thought I was goingto make a big point about candy.
Right. Uh, candy isa very, uh, political topic.
Like, why is it creepy
-that an old man can't gotrick-or-treating? -(laughter)
I like candy, and I liketo dress up like a sexy nurse.
-(laughter)-That makes me a weirdo?
What's this whole poison thing?
This is... this is not...Jordan Klepper, everyone.
This is not whatI wanted to talk about.
-(applause) -No, don't clapfor... don't you clap for him!
He does not deserve applause.
That was pointless.
Anyway, anyway, you know what...
actually, you know what's crazyis, the Trump campaign
does this all the time to us.
No matter what happens, they putout something to distract us,
and then we all start talkingabout that instead.
And I don't blame them.
You know, because when you lookdeeper into the Trump campaign,
there's a lot of (bleep)that's going wrong for them.
For instance, for instance,just today,
while we were all talkingabout Skittles,
The Washington Post reportedthat Trump has been taking money
that other people donatedto his charity.
Instead of using itfor charity, right,
he used that moneyto pay off people
who had sued his businesses--yes, that's what he was doing.
He's basicallya really (bleep) Robin Hood.
That's what he is. And not likea Kevin Costner (bleep) Robin...
I'm talking, like,real (bleep) Robin Hood.
That's what he was doingwith the money.
You know what, let me explain it
in terms people seemto understand these days.
Let's do this, right?
If I have... if I havetwo bowls of Skittles, right?
Right? And people donated intothe charity bowl, all right?
And this was meantfor charity. Yes?
And then what I did was I saidthis was gonna go to char...
Oh, what's that over there?What's happening there?
(Skittles clinking in bowl)
Ah, yes, charity. And, um...
it's good that you giveto my charity, and...
Do you see that thing properly?Did you see what...?
Ah, my business has moneyand my charity does not. Ah.
What a good person I am.
I will give one of my charityto business...
or char... business to charity.
I don't knowhow this works anymore.
But you get the point--because I used Skittles.
-(applause, whooping)-All right, now, uh...
another story this week,another story this week.
For five years,Donald Trump has championed
the false conspiracy theorythat President Obama
wasn't bornin the United States.
All right, he was obsessedwith Obama's birth certificate.
And then last Friday, he finallyholds a press conference,
and after his half decadeof talking about this nonstop,
all he says is this.
Barack Obama was born
in the United States, period.
Now we all want to get back
to making Americastrong and great again.
Thank you.Thank you very much.
Thank you, every... Thank you.
(like Trump):That's right, folks.
Let's forget the racist thingI've been saying
for the past five years,
so we can all focuson my new racist ideas.
Thank you. Thank you, folks.
-if I had a bowl of Skittles,-(laughter)
and I told you that allof the Skittles in this bowl
were born in this bowl,but then what happened was
a, uh, crazy, uh, racist...
circus peanut came up and said,
"These peanutsare not from this country,
and this particular oneis not from this place,"
and it was like,"Oh, this peanut...
"this-this chocolate barwas not born in America.
"Oh, as you can see, he'snot from these Skittle bowls,
"he's actually from...
"the Africa bowl...
"that has Africa thingsinside it...
"Oh, actually,remember the thing I said?
"Oh, don't worry about that.I'm done. I'm finished.
"He's actuallyfrom these Skittle bowls,
and yeah, the Africa bowl,whatever."
-(laughter) -And thenone of the licorices was like,
(high-pitched): "I'm gonnago host The Daily Show
-and I'm gonna..."-(laughter, applause)
-And then...-(whooping, cheering)
and this... and this happened...
and this happened,and I think you understand it,
because I used Skittles.
So... so, this guy...
Donald J. Trump...
I don't understandhow we live in a world
where people don't understand
that all of his Skittlesare poison.
Right? You think about it,all of his poisons are Skittles,
but people latch ontothe three Skittles that are not.
He's an outsider;he's tough on immigration;
and most importantly,he's not Hillary Clinton.
Yeah. All of the other(bleep) Skittles are poison!
His charities are a rip-off;his university was a rip-off;
his tax returnsare nowhere to be found!
How is that not poison?! We'renot even talking about that.
But still, people are like,"Well, I'm gonna take
"a handfulof these Trump Skittles
"and see what happens,shake things up.
I'm gonna take a chance.Do it with Tr..."
You know what, actually,let me explain it like this.
Let me explain it like this.
So you got-- J-Jordan,what are you doing?
(laughter and applause)
What are you doing?
Get your own poison Skittles,bitch.