From one manwith broad shoulders to another,
we turn now to Senior CampaignCorrespondent Hasan Minhaj,
-everybody!-(cheering and applause)
Joining us live in the studio!
Hasan, who do you think wonthe debate tonight?
Come on, Trevor, who cares?
It's not like eitherof these guys
are gonna be as awesomeas Joe Biden.
I mean, Mike Pence and Tim Kaineare so boring!
Tonight was like watchingtwo pairs of khakis
debate each other.All I kept thinking about
was how I'm never gonna seemy main man Joe Biden
drop an F-bomb on live TV again.
Oh, no, no. Come on, come on.Hasan, Hasan,
these guys dosome interesting things.
Like, for instance, did you know
that Tim Kaineplays the harmonica?
That's your interesting fact:Tim Kaine plays the harmonica.
Joe Biden did all of the stuntsin Fast and the Furious 7,
he mooned the Queen of England
and the Popein a single afternoon,
and his teeth are literally madeof shooting stars.
If you look directly into them,you will go blind.
Well, that...that just sounds...
Breathtaking, I know!
Actually,I was gonna say "dangerous."
Well, it's worth it, Trevor.
Face it, man.
Biden just spoiled us,and not just dentally.
We are never gonna haveanother vice president
that isso lovably unpredictable.
I mean, remember that timehe tried to make
a paraplegic man stand up,
even though he was sittingin a wheelchair?
Stand up, Chuck,let 'em see you.
Oh, God love you,what am I talking about?
I tell you what, you're makingeverybody else stand up,
old pal.Thank you very, very much.
I tell you what,stand up for Chuck!
Now, here is the crazy part.
After that,Biden smiled at the guy,
so now the dudeis paralyzed and blind.
But, you know, that'sthe great thing about Biden.
You just... you can't helpbut love the guy,
even when he's sayingsomething racist.
In Delaware, the largest growthin population
is Indian-Americansmoving from India.
You cannot go to a 7-Eleven
or a Dunkin Donuts unlessyou have a slight Indian accent.
Except fully... Am I...I'm not joking.
I should be mad.
I should! But when it'sJoe Biden, it's just adorable.
I love it! You know,being racially stereotyped
hasn't felt that goodsince that time I got mistaken
for Aziz Ansari.
The guy was like, "Hey, man,I love you in Master of None."
And I was like...(a la Ansari): "Whoa!
"Thank you so much!
I can't believe it!Kanye! What?"
But, you know, that's the thing.
You just...you can't stay mad at Joe.
He has no impulse control,and I mean no impulse control.
Just ask any womanwho has ever met him.
And to the U.S. Senate as well
for their trust and confidence.
Got a lot of thanksto give out here.
-You stand right next to me.-There you go.
WOMAN: ...in the back,can you spread out?
Come on, Maggie.Make me look better, okay?
Oh, my God!
Where was Chris Hansen?
I think I got a AMBER Alertjust from watching that.
I mean, can you pictureTim Kaine
or Mike Pence ever doing that?
They would never creepon anyone.
Tim Kaine is so straightlaced
he covers his eyesduring Cialis commercials.
And, Mike Pence, I honestly...
I don't thinkhe's ever kissed a girl.
I really believe he's saving sexfor the afterlife.
Uh, H-Hasan, Hasan, I got...I got to say, man,
I-I don't get why you're sadabout Biden leaving.
It seems like all the stuffyou like about him--
his unpredictability,his lack of a filter,
his casual racism-- you can getthat all from a President Trump.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Biden is the vice president.
Vice. It's okaythat he's a weirdo
because he has no real power,no responsibilities,
and nothing to do but sit aroundand wait for his boss to die.
You never put a guy like thatin charge.
It goes like this,okay, guy at the top--
Guy below him-- exciting,
everybody loves him,life of the party, handsome.
You know, like me and you.
So, wait, does-doesthat mean you're sitting around,
-waiting for me to die?-Wait, what?
You know,it's time for a commercial.
-We'll be right back, folks.-No, I say we'll be right back.
-Not for long.-What?
No, no. Wait, what?We'll be right back, you guys.
-We'll be right back!-We'll be right... No, no, no,
-we'll be right back. -We'll be right back!
-We'll be right back though,you guys. -We'll be right back!
His mom, uh, lived in, uh...
in Long Islandfor ten years or so, uh,
God rest her soul,and, uh, um...
Although she's...Wait, your mom's still...
your mom's still alive.It was your dad passed.
God bless her soul!
-(harp plays)-(cheering and applause)