last night, I gotto experience my first night
of an Americanpolitical convention,
and I'm still wrapping my headaround all of the spectacle.
I mean, they had all the biggeststars you could think of...
...who would agreeto come to this event.
-I mean, there were actorsyou forgot about... -(laughter)
-...models you sortof remember... -(laughter)
-...people who call ducksfor a living. -(laughter)
I'm still confusedby that, by the way.
I don't understand what that is.
I mean, there were congressmenyou've never heard of,
reality stars you don't remember
married to congressmenyou've never heard of.
-(laughter)-I loved it.
And really,this is Donald Trump's style.
What he does is,he always makes sure
that he gives us so muchfun crazy to talk about
that we missthe dangerous crazy.
Like for instance,last night's official theme was
"Make America Safe Again."
But to us, the theme really feltlike "Make America Fear again,"
because that's whatall the speeches were about.
All the things that we hold dear
are being attackedevery single day.
Our enemies are plottingagainst us.
Enemies who are hell-benton destroying us.
Your war is here.
This is an economic disaster.
Terrorists who are goingto come to Western Europe
and come here and kill us!
This is the last stand on earth!
Killing us and our allies!
There is no place to escape to.
Why are you talking like that?!
-What's happening? Huh?-(applause and cheering)
No place on earth!
Really, there's-there's no placeon earth?
Really? No place to hide?
'Cause I'm pretty certain thateveryone's going to Canada.
You guys are actinglike America is Westeros,
and winter is coming.
That's how they make it sound.
Have you heard, Jon Snow, thenon-White Walkers are coming!
-(laughter, applause)-I'm serious.
That was the night.It was terror.
Speech after speech of screaming
about everythingthat'll kill us.
Forget"Make America Safe Again."
After that, I just wantedto make underpants dry again.
-(laughter) -I honestlydon't understand this fear.
I really don't,because you understand
that this country is much safernow than it was 20 years ago.
Crime is declining.
So I was watching thislast night, being, like,
"Why are Republicansso terrified?"
But then Rudy Giulianisaid something,
and I finally,finally understood.
Wasn't so much what he said.
It was how he said it.
This is a man with a big heartwho loves people,
from the top to the bottom,
from the middle to the side!
Wow. You got...
You got allthose directions wrong.
You would bethe worst air hostess ever.
A flight attendant:The exit is in the back...
The middle was your left, yourback was your front. I mean...
But maybe that explainswhy Republicans are so scared.
They're living in a worldwhere up is actually down.
And I guess that's why, to them,
safer is actually scarier.
Oh, and-and speaking of"up is down and black is white,"
yesterday the Republicansactually featured
a few black speakers, although,if your eyes were closed
while listening to the speeches,you wouldn't have known.
If we really want to healour communities,
more men needto start stepping up
and taking careof their children.
Safe neighborhoods happen whenfathers and mothers are in home.
Somebody with a nice tanneeds to say this.
-All lives matter.-(cheering)
My friend, uh, if that'sa tan you're rocking...
...you need to seea dermatologist.
Because you are three hours awayfrom skin cancer, my friend.
But nicely played, though,nicely played, dude.
I mean, I totally hearwhat you're saying.
Black kids grow upto be criminals, yeah,
because their momsare never home.
Probably down at the club.
Yeah. Oh, because they haveto work two jobs,
and public transportation
doesn't go to theirneighborhood, you know?
And the legacy of redlininghas kept them from living
in better areas--but also, at the club! Yeah!
Yeah. And where arethe black fathers at, people?
Where arethe black fathers? Huh?
Too busy getting arrested,am I right?
I mean, some of themfor a broken taillight,
trumped-up charges,and driving while black,
but still-- also at the club!Am I right? Yeah!
That's the thingabout these speakers.
At first you're thinking,wow, Republicans invited people
who don't fit the normal moldto come in and speak.
That's amazing.And then you think, wait...
why would Republicans do that?
Because they knowthey're going to get this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would liketo make something very clear.
Blue lives matter in America!
There is some good news...out of Baltimore, Maryland,
as Lieutenant Brian Ricewas acquitted on all charges.
I'm sorry, good news?
Wait, let me get this straight.
We're talkingabout Freddie Gray,
the manwho had his spine severed
while handcuffed in the backof a Baltimore police van--
and that's good news?
What a relief, huh?
Yeah. To find outthat no one killed him.
I mean, he was killed--but no one killed him.
Yeah. I mean,half of getting killed
is someone killing you,people, you understand that?
Yeah. So this is progress.
Now we just have to figure outwhy all these black folks
are so susceptible to dying.
Get the (bleep)out of here, man.
don't get me wrong.
I'm not saying no one hasthe right to be afraid.
I'm not even saying thatfeelings are inconsequential.
You cannot complain aboutAmerica being afraid, though,
when you are the same peoplefrightening it.
Which gets me backto Melania Trump.
That was the one speechthat was kind and hopeful.
And it was unifying,and it was optimistic.
It's almost audacioushow hopeful it was.
And so what? So what if itwas taken from Michelle Obama?
You know what?If that's what it takes
to bring America togetherand to have a positive message,
then take everything, go ahead.
Do everything Michelle does.Do jumping jacks
and eat your kalewhile your giving the speech.
I don't care.
In fact, I don't know whyeveryone is going after Melania
for plagiarizing--we should be encouraging her.
Because if she feels comfortablestealing Michelle's speeches
and we make it normal, maybeDonald Trump will feel okay
stealing Obama's policies,and then the country
won't be such a dangerous place.
And I know, I know, I knowpeople might say, "Wait, wait,
Trevor, we can't just plagiarizePresident Obama, can we?"
And I say, yes, yes, we can.