Where Do You Get the Balls? - Wells Fargo's Banking Scandal

September 21, 2016 - Wendy Williams 09/21/2016 Views: 25,218

Banking giant Wells Fargo gets caught collecting fees on millions of accounts that its employees created for customers without their consent. (4:42)

Watch Full Episode

Balls.

They're more than justa comically-exposed weak point

on a man's body.

They're also what's required

to get awaywith some shady (bleep).

But how do people acquire them?

Well, Adam Lowittsearches for answers

in our latest segment,"Where Do You Get the Balls?"

(cheering, applause))

Thanks, Trevor.

Let's talk about bankers.

They have huge balls.

And not just because gonorrheainflames your testicles.

-(laughter)-Take the latest events

involving Wells Fargo.

Wells Fargo under fire again.

The banking giant was just hit with a record fine

for opening millions of accounts

without customer consent.

NEWSMAN: ...the bank saying it has fired

more than 5,300 employees over the past five years

for their involvement in the scam.

NEWSWOMAN: Bank employees opened as many as two million

phony accounts in customers' names

to meet sales goals and earn bonuses.

Two million fake accounts?

That is dedication.

Because you realizethat they had to come up

with fake answers totwo million security questions.

Just so you're up to speed,all right, Wells Fargo became

the biggest bank in Americain part thanks to something

called cross-selling.

Now, cross-sellingis the practice

of convincingan existing customer

to open up additional accounts.

'Cause the more accountsthey open,

the more feesthe bank gets to collect.

So they're giving you somethingyou don't necessarily need.

Kind of likethe MacGyver reboot.

Yeah. Hey, MacGyver, we don'tneed your gum and paper clips.

We have iPhones now.

-(laughter)-Now, cross-selling itself

takes some medium-sized balls.

But where Wells Fargo reallystepped up their balls game

is by never even tellingtheir customers

they were signing them upfor these accounts

in the first place.

MAN: At one time, having... looking at it,

counting it,I had 15 accounts at once.

One day when I decided to takethe time to open them all,

I realized thatthere were 16 accounts.

NEWSMAN: The scheme yielded

$2.4 million in feesfor those customers...

Wow! Forcing peopleinto situations

where they get screwed,and then taking a cut of it?

You guys aren't bankers,y'all are pimps.

(laughter)

Honestly, I would killto have those balls.

I mean, check outhow they're punishing

the executive in charge.

NEWSMAN: According to financial disclosure documents,

Carrie Tolstedt is leaving with a payout

of more than $124 million.

Yeah! $124 million.

How is she not in jail?

Even the pens at the bankare going,

"Oh, and I'm the one in chains."

(laughter)

(applause)

Now...

let me give you a personal story

to illustrate my envyof these balls.

When I was 17,I got fired from T.J. Maxx.

You may know it as Marshalls'skanky cousin.

Why was I fired?

I'd rather not go into it,but let's just say it rhymes

with "asturbatingin the ake room."

-Uh...-(laughter)

Now, T.J. Maxx didn't havea severance package

for juniors in high school,but they did owe me a paycheck

for a full week's work.

And that's $12I'm never gonna see.

Because, unlike this executiveat Wells Fargo,

I did not have the balls to go back and collect my money

after I was terrible at my job.

And Carrie Tolstedt wasin charge of consumer banking,

but it was her boss,Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf,

who made cross-sellinga priority for the company.

And by the way,speaking of fake accounts,

there is no waythat Stumpf is a real name.

-(laughter) -It soundslike Yiddish for a word

for being confused andreally full at the same time.

(laughter)

I don't have room for dessert,

and I have no ideawhat the capital of Yemen is.

I am stumpfed!

(laughter)

The most amazing partabout this whole thing--

or as the French would say,the je ne sais balls--

is how Stumpf arrivedat his unrealistic sales quotas.

In a 2010 letterto shareholders,

Mr. Stumpf wrotethat "Wells Fargo's goal

"was eight productsper customer,

because 'eight' rhymedwith 'great.'"

-(laughter, groaning)-Yeah.

So the entire cutthroatsales culture at Wells Fargo,

the environment that fueledthis whole scandal,

was because their CEOliked Dr. Seuss.

(laughter)

(applause)

Well, then he'llprobably like this.

If you're a Wells Fargo customerand a cross-seller calls,

tell them to go kissJohn Stumpf's giant balls.

-(whooping, applause)-Trevor?

Thank you, Adam.Adam Lowitt, everyone.