They're more than justa comically-exposed weak point
on a man's body.
They're also what's required
to get awaywith some shady (bleep).
But how do people acquire them?
Well, Adam Lowittsearches for answers
in our latest segment,"Where Do You Get the Balls?"
Let's talk about bankers.
They have huge balls.
And not just because gonorrheainflames your testicles.
-(laughter)-Take the latest events
involving Wells Fargo.
Wells Fargo under fire again.
The banking giant was just hit with a record fine
for opening millions of accounts
without customer consent.
NEWSMAN: ...the bank saying it has fired
more than 5,300 employees over the past five years
for their involvement in the scam.
NEWSWOMAN: Bank employees opened as many as two million
phony accounts in customers' names
to meet sales goals and earn bonuses.
Two million fake accounts?
That is dedication.
Because you realizethat they had to come up
with fake answers totwo million security questions.
Just so you're up to speed,all right, Wells Fargo became
the biggest bank in Americain part thanks to something
Now, cross-sellingis the practice
of convincingan existing customer
to open up additional accounts.
'Cause the more accountsthey open,
the more feesthe bank gets to collect.
So they're giving you somethingyou don't necessarily need.
Kind of likethe MacGyver reboot.
Yeah. Hey, MacGyver, we don'tneed your gum and paper clips.
We have iPhones now.
-(laughter)-Now, cross-selling itself
takes some medium-sized balls.
But where Wells Fargo reallystepped up their balls game
is by never even tellingtheir customers
they were signing them upfor these accounts
in the first place.
MAN: At one time, having... looking at it,
counting it,I had 15 accounts at once.
One day when I decided to takethe time to open them all,
I realized thatthere were 16 accounts.
NEWSMAN: The scheme yielded
$2.4 million in feesfor those customers...
Wow! Forcing peopleinto situations
where they get screwed,and then taking a cut of it?
You guys aren't bankers,y'all are pimps.
Honestly, I would killto have those balls.
I mean, check outhow they're punishing
the executive in charge.
NEWSMAN: According to financial disclosure documents,
Carrie Tolstedt is leaving with a payout
of more than $124 million.
Yeah! $124 million.
How is she not in jail?
Even the pens at the bankare going,
"Oh, and I'm the one in chains."
let me give you a personal story
to illustrate my envyof these balls.
When I was 17,I got fired from T.J. Maxx.
You may know it as Marshalls'skanky cousin.
Why was I fired?
I'd rather not go into it,but let's just say it rhymes
with "asturbatingin the ake room."
Now, T.J. Maxx didn't havea severance package
for juniors in high school,but they did owe me a paycheck
for a full week's work.
And that's $12I'm never gonna see.
Because, unlike this executiveat Wells Fargo,
I did not have the balls to go back and collect my money
after I was terrible at my job.
And Carrie Tolstedt wasin charge of consumer banking,
but it was her boss,Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf,
who made cross-sellinga priority for the company.
And by the way,speaking of fake accounts,
there is no waythat Stumpf is a real name.
-(laughter) -It soundslike Yiddish for a word
for being confused andreally full at the same time.
I don't have room for dessert,
and I have no ideawhat the capital of Yemen is.
I am stumpfed!
The most amazing partabout this whole thing--
or as the French would say,the je ne sais balls--
is how Stumpf arrivedat his unrealistic sales quotas.
In a 2010 letterto shareholders,
Mr. Stumpf wrotethat "Wells Fargo's goal
"was eight productsper customer,
because 'eight' rhymedwith 'great.'"
So the entire cutthroatsales culture at Wells Fargo,
the environment that fueledthis whole scandal,
was because their CEOliked Dr. Seuss.
Well, then he'llprobably like this.
If you're a Wells Fargo customerand a cross-seller calls,
tell them to go kissJohn Stumpf's giant balls.
Thank you, Adam.Adam Lowitt, everyone.