it's been just 24 hours sincewe last did one of these shows.
Uh, that's not a lot of time.
And yet there are so many thingsthat can happen in the world.
An Olympian can winhis 21st gold medal.
A beautiful teamof diverse young women
can inspire a planet.
Nations that previously feudedcan find common ground.
Oh, and, uh, Donald Trump.
There is always
something about Donald Trump.
Donald Trump is dealing withthe fallout
over what many perceivedas a threat of violence
against Hillary Clinton.
Hillary wants to abolish,essentially abolish,
the Second Amendment.
By the way,and if she gets to pick...
...if she gets to pickher judges--
nothing you can do, folks.
Although theSecond Amendment people--
maybe there is,I don't know, but...
No ma... no matterhow many times I watch that,
I still can't believe it.
Donald Trump suggested
that people with guns"do something"
A statement that has baffledthe entire country,
especially the Secret Service,
who must bethinking to themselves,
"Are you (bleep) me right now?"
Yeah, because think about it--this is the first
presidential campaign in historywhere the Secret Service
has had to protect candidatesfrom each other.
Think about... Like,it's-it's this Hillary comment
and earlier on,it was the time when
Jeb needed wedgie protectionfrom Trump.
This is one campaign.
This is so seriousthat even Trump supporters
couldn't believewhat they were hearing.
Like, lo-look at the manin the red shirt behind Trump.
Look at his face. Yeah.
You see that face?
That's the old white guyequivalent
of "Oh, no, he didn't."
That man is shocked.
Trump supporters are shocked.
Do you know how hard it isto shock a Trump su...
These are the same peoplewho've heard their candidate
say "bing, bing, bong, bong"and thought to themselves,
"That's what we needin the White House."
They are shocked.
And now, after that speech,Donald Trump said that
everyone in the roomunderstood what he meant.
The only problem is he's notrunning for president
of that room.
And so everyoneoutside of the room
is trying to figure outwhat the hell he meant.
REPORTER: Misunderstood or out of line?
It's very clear whatDonald Trump was implying.
Wreck violenceagainst Hillary Clinton.
He didn't call for HillaryClinton to be assassinated.
-Maybe trying to make a joke.-It's not a joke.
You're not gonnause the joke defense.
-MAN: It's fairly clear.-I'm not confused.
He wasn't talking aboutimplementation of policy.
He was talking about what wouldhappen if Hillary Clinton
were to be elected,and he was absolutely right.
I'm speechless becauseI'm trying to follow your
logic here, Katrina,and I'm having...
I'm having a hard time.
Well, you see, uh,that's your first mistake,
trying to combine logicwith the Trump campaign.
Yeah, you knowwho doesn't do that?
He just rides the wave of crazyand sees where it takes him.
"Mexicans did the moon."
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't know,it just felt right."
So-so, in this...in this, uh, situation,
there's two basic schoolsof thought:
either this was a wry comment
about shootinga future president
or it was a callto voter action.
And no one can agree.
Was it a joke or was it serious?
And you know what I realizedtoday,
I realizedthat this is the Dress.
It's the Dress all over again.
Yeah,you guys remember the Dress.
You remember that.
We were all seeingthe exact same thing.
But we couldn't agreeon what color it was.
Because obviouslyit was white and gold,
but then half of the planet sawit as blue and black
'cause they had, like,a brain tumor or something.
And that dressalmost destroyed the world.
I remember the pain.
Families were torn apart.
There are friends whostill don't speak to this day
because of that dress.
I even gave my baby away.
"Dada, Dada, blue and black."
You're not my son.
The point is,
every time Donald Trump speaks,it's the Dress.
We're all trying to figure outwhat the hell it is.
And no one can agree,which is entertaining
for an Instagram meme,
but it's not goodfor a commander in chief.
One of the most basic qualitiesof a president
is that we know what they mean.
The last thing you need,the last thing you need
is a foreign leader going,"Is-is he... is he nuking us?
"Is-is he nuking...Unless it was a joke,
"but, I mean, no-no presidentwould ever joke about nukes.
"W-Would they? Would they?Is that...
"Well, I-I don't know.I mean, better safe than sorry.
I mean, just..."
Why would you... why wouldyou... I mean, now-now...
only get to have interpreterswhen they're traveling overseas.
But Donald Trump, he needs onefor his own country.
The Trump campaign respondedto the backlash
with a statement titled"On dishonest media."
REPORTER: "It's called the power of unification--
"Second Amendment people have amazing spirit
"and are tremendously unified,
"which gives them great political power.
And this year, they will be voting in record numbers."
Oh, of course.It all makes sense now.
The Second Amendment people havean extremely powerful weapon,
Which they shoot outof their guns!
And you know what,I'm not buying this.
I believeDonald Trump was making a joke.
Yeah. And then becauseof the backlash,
his team is trying to play itoff as something else.
But I know a jokewhen I see one.
More importantly,I know a stand-up comedian
when I see one.
Yeah,because I'm a stand-up comedian.
Donald Trumpis a stand-up comedian.
You see it every single timehe's on the stage.
He riffs, he roasts, you know,he does some impersonations.
He's a stand-up comedian. It'sjust you've never looked at it
that way before.
I'm not eating Oreos anymore,you know that.
But neither is Chris.
You're not eating Oreos anymore.
Anthony Weiner, you know,the little bing, bing, bing,
I never attacked himon his look,
and, believe me, there's plentyof subject matter right there.
It moves this way.
It moves that way.
What would you want yourSecret Service code name to be?
Here's the problem with Rubio,when you sweat that much...
The guy walks in andhe's soaking wet and sweating.
"Hello. Hello,can I have some water?"
-You see?-(cheering and applause)
He's a comedian.He's a stand-up comedian.
We were all spending so muchtime focusing on his racism
and sexism and xenophobiaand threats to democracy
that we missed all the jokes!
And there's a reasonwe missed all the jokes,
because they weren'tin the place where jokes belong.
Because if you take the thingsthat Donald Trump has said
and you put themin a comedy setting,
then it makes a bit more sense.
TRUMP:If she gets to pick
her judges...nothing you can do, folks.
Althoughthe second amendment people,
maybe there is. I don't know.
-Oh!-(applause and cheering)
You see, it works.
It works. Although...
Okay, although,although, let's be honest here.
There would never be blackpeople at a Trump show,
-but still it works. It works.-(laughter)
So look, Trump may bea standup comedian.
The only problem is
Trump supportersare not a comedy audience.
Because for some reason,they think
that they've come to see someonewho wants to run the country,
and they are not joking around.
-MAN: Yeah. Yeah.-(audience cheering)
-The sound wooo!...-(laughter)
...sucks the gravitasout of any moment.
I only regret that I have butone life to lose for my country.
-(applause and cheering)-Doesn't work.
Under... undermines everythingyou're trying to say.
You see... you see,here's the thing, people.
Donald Trumpand his team can say,
"Those are just words.Those are just words."
And they're right--they are just words.
Like, remember the timeTrump said these words?
So if you see somebodygetting ready to throw a tomato,
knock the crap out of them,would you? Seriously.
(Trump audiencecheering and whistling)
Just words, right?
And then,about five weeks later,
somebody said these words.
MAN: The protester being led out of a North Carolina rally
appeared to be sucker punched by a Trump supporter.
You see, whenyou're a presidential candidate
with a passionate groupof supporters,
people tend to listen to you.
So here's what I thinkwe need to do with Donald Trump.
We need to put him away.
We need to put him away
in some undergroundwindowless room, right?
-MAN: Yeah!-That's what we need to do.
(cheers and applause)
And then, and then...
we need to build a wall.
An exposed brick wallwith a mic and a crowd,
where he can kill,just not people.
And you know what?
I think if that wallkept him focused on comedy
and out of the White House,
then that's a wall that I'm sureMexico would pay for.
-(cheers and applause)-We'll be right back.