Welcome to The Daily Show.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I'm Trevor Noah,and we are live.
Can you believe it?We are live.
Just minutes ago, Tim Kaineand Mike Pence left their chairs
after the Vice Presidentialdebate,
and, uh, the debate was heldin Farmville,
which seems like a shamelesspandering to millennials,
Uh, they just now calculatedthe ratings, people,
and a record number80 million people
did not watch the debate.
Yeah,it's the first time a TV show
has gotten negative ratings.
But if there waslower viewership
than the Presidential debate,
it might be because everyoneknew the winner already,
because-- and this is true--hours before the debate,
hours before the debate,the GOP released
an announcement on their website
that Mike Pence had already won.
Now they've, they've sincetaken the page down
but before they did,
we found another pagethat no one else did.
And it's the one that the GOPwas supposed to only post
on November 9th,where they were saying
they never supportedDonald Trump,
and they somehow deserve creditfor making him lose.
Yeah, look at that.
They're like,"Oh we weren't there.
"We, um...we told you guys all along.
(cheers and applause)
"We weren't partof that whole thing.
That's why we weren't with him,yes."
But if the Hillary-Trump debatewas WWE,
well, this debatewas high school wrestling.
I mean, it's real,but it wasn't flashy.
Tim Kaine and Mike Penceprepared so hard
for this debate, and it wasespecially hard for Mike Pence,
you know, in between DonaldTrump giving him wedgies,
you know, "Yeah, that'llteach you, you nerd.
But going into the debatethese candidates
had very different jobs.
Tim Kaine had to show a fun,affable personality
to counter Clinton,who's been cold and distant
since she died six weeks ago.
And Mike Pence, he was thereto scoop up all the crap
that Trump leftfrom the last debate.
His debate was basicallysponsored by Febreze.
It was just him on stagegoing, like,
"Nothing smells here,nothing smells here,
nothing smells here,"the whole time.
"Nothing smells here;everything's good."
The debate, though,did kick off with a bang.
-Let's talk about this state...-Well, well, let me, let me,
let me interrupt you,let me interrupt you.
-I get to weigh in, now,-It was discovered...
-Let me just say this,-he'd keep that pay to play
-Gov-Governer Pence,-process out of the reach
-if you want to flood the zone-and failed to renegotiate.
-with more American troops,-Hillary Clinton, Hillary
-in Iraq, you can propose that.-Clinton, Hillary Clinton...
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.Look at those two go.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Yeah. The debate turnedfrom-from a debate
into just likea big white guy argument.
That's what that was.
Actually, one of the biggestwhite guy arguments in history.
In fact, if we lookon the white guy argument meter
it registers all the way
at step-dad versus real dad.
That's how high that was,people.
-This is no joke.-(applause)
And you know what, guys?I'm gonna be honest with you.
It's live, and I don't care;I'm gonna be honest with you.
This debate was boring.
It was boring as hell.
And it didn't helpthat it was so hard
to separate these two guys.
Both of them marriedfor 31 years.
Both have sons in the military.
Both are super religious.
Both have multiple kindsof elected office.
Both use Spf1000.
If you were picking these guysup at the airport
and they were bags, you'd getthem mixed up with each other.
It'd be like, sorry, thatone's-- oh, no, that's mine.
That one's mine. Oh, that...Oh, mine's the one with the red.
Mine's the one with the red.
My ears couldn'teven distinguish
between the two of them.
The whole debate,
you could have just replacedtheir speech with this:
(elevator music plays)
I actually liked that more thanthe debate.
Look, I'm not saying therewas nothing to talk about
during this debate, uh,because there were,
there were things to talk about,there was substance.
But what was really impressive
was how Mike Pencemanaged to dodge
every single Donald Trumpscandal thrown at him.
Why do so many Americansthink Mr. Trump
is simply too erratic?
Well, let me, let me say firstand foremost, that, uh, uh,
Senator, you and Hillary Clintonwould know a lot about
an insult-driven campaign.
It really is remarkable.
What's remarkableis how you didn't answer
the question at all.
You were just like, "But let mestart by saying this."
I wish you could just do thatin a relationship.
Your girlfriend's like,"Why do you have lipstick
"on your collar?
"Let me start by saying this.
"Uh, the electric bill has beenreally high this month.
"You've got to stopcurling your hair.
I'm glad we handled that."
You see what he just did there?
Question came in,Pence dropped the shoulder,
countered with a Hillary'sdeplorable jab.
Yeah. And he did it againwith Trump's taxes.
Yesterday, Mr. Trump said hebrilliantly used the laws
to pay as little taxas legally possible.
Does that seem fair to you?
Look, w-what you all just heardout there
is more taxes.
$2 trillion in more spending.
More deficits, more debt,more government.
But less answers, lessaccountability, less clarity.
They asked you a questionand you tell us what we heard?
"Oh, now, what you guys heardwas not a question.
I'm gonna tell you what youheard."
You can see Mike Penceis hating this, you know?
He'd doing his best, you know,Clint Eastwood impression.
And he's trying to keep astraight face the entire time.
It's almost likehe's drinking vinegar
and acting like it's water.
And don't get me wrong--
it's not like the moderatordidn't try.
Governor, with all due respect,the question was about
whether it seems fair to youthat Mr. Trump said
he brilliantly used the laws
to pay as little taxas legally possible.
Donald Trump is a businessman,not a career politician.
He actually built a business...
Those tax returns that were...that came out publicly this week
showed that he...
he faced some pretty tough times20 years ago.
I see you guys focusingon the facts at hand,
but let's focus on the factthat this poor, poor man
lost a billion dollarsof other people's money.
This man is brilliant.
You know what?I would vote for Mike Pence
just because of howhe defends Trump.
Yeah, he's so good at this.He's like the guy
who can't convince his friendnot to drive drunk
but is really goodat convincing the cop
that his friendisn't really drunk.
"No, officer he's not, he's not.
"Shut up dude, you're gonna getus arres... He's not drunk,
"I promise you, officer. I...You're still driving us home?
"All right, we're gonna die.No, no, he's good, officer.
He's good, he's good." Yeah.
Tim Kaine...Tim Kaine, by the way,
was-was okay in this debate, you know?
He was really scrappy,
and scrappy's not reallywhat we needed.
Uh, and, I mean, look,here's the problem.
For Tim Kaine, too muchpreparation is not a good thing.
It's great to preparefor a debate.
it's just not greatto prepare...
your punch lines.
Do you want a "you're hired"president in Hillary Clinton
or do you want a "you're fired"president in Donald Trump?
Donald Trump can't starta Twitter war with Miss Universe
without shooting himselfin the foot.
If you don't know the difference
between dictatorshipand leadership,
then you got to go backto a fifth grade civics class.
-...foreign donors?-You are Donald Trun...
uh, Trump's apprentice.
And if you want to see someadditional zingers,
go to my Web site,TimKaineInTheMembrane.com
Aw, yeah. Aw, yeah.
(giggles)You've been broiled.
Aw, I should have gone,"You've been Kained."
Here-here's my thingwith this whole debate.
The real problemwith this debate for me
wasn't that it was boring,it was that it was inscrutable.
Because what is the pointof a debate?
It's supposed to inform people.
You're supposed to come awaylearning something.
But what's the point of a debate
that doesn't haveany fact-checking?
We learned nothing, you know?
It has exchanges like this.
The truth is Osama bin Ladenled al-Qaeda.
Our primary threat todayis ISIS.
And because Hillary Clintonfailed to renegotiate
a status of forces agreement,uh, that would have allowed
some American combat troopsto remain in Iraq
and secure the hard-fought gains
the American soldierhad won by 2009.
ISIS was able to be literallyconjured up out of the desert
and it's overrun vast areas
the-the American soldier had wonan Operation Iraqi Freedom...
Now, you tell me--what normal person
could possibly knowwho's right here? Yeah.
Was the U.S.'s failureto reach a revised
status of forces agreementwith the Iraqi government
more than an Obama-Clintonproblem
or should you blame itmore fairly
on the Bush administration?
Nobody knows, because mostpeople at home
don't have fact checkers.Which is too bad.
I mean, becauseit would be very helpful
to solve domestic disputesin the house, you know?
"Lisa, you alwaysfinish the milk."
And the home fact checker'slike, "Well, actually,
"you finish the milk62% of the time.
That's, uh, that's not true."
"You should get out of...I hate you."
"Well, you don't actuallyhate me. 42% of the time
I'm on your side, so you keep mearound for that exact reason."
But we don't have that.We don't have that.
And I'll tell you this, though.There is one thing...
there is one thing we didn'tneed a fact checker for tonight.
It was really simple.
Every time Mike Pencedefended Donald Trump,
everyone knowsDonald Trump said the thing.
Donald Trump's claimthat he wants to, uh...
that NATO is obsolete. And thatwe need to get rid of NATO
-is so dangerous, because...-That's not his plan.
They want to go house to house,school to school,
business to business,and kick out 16 million people.
-And I cannot believe...-That's nonsense.
Donald Trump, on the other hand,didn't know
-that Russia had invaded theCrimea. -Oh, that's nonsense.
He-he... He was on a TV show...
Yeah, Mike Pence-- look at him.
He's all, "That's nonsense.That is not true. That is...
"No one would vote for a personwho said those things.
(laughs) That is not true.That is just ridiculous."
Yeah, forget Mike Pence. It'slike Donald Trump's running mate
is Shaggy, you know?
♪ It wasn't him,But he said it on the record ♪
♪ It wasn't him, But theygot him on the talk shows ♪
♪ It wasn't him,But he sounded like a hater ♪
♪ It wasn't him,But he tweeted him on Twitter ♪
♪ It wasn't him.
He's, like, the whole song.
♪ So you could catchDonald Trump butt-naked ♪
♪ Lying on the bathroom floor
♪ It wasn't him
♪ Telling us he'llrelease his taxes ♪
♪ But we won'tsee them no more ♪
It's just lies.It's all lies.
And you know howyou know Mike Pence
doesn't believe in Donald Trump?
The one thinghe's impressed about
isn't what's above Trump's neck,
but what's right below.
...talks about a-a cease-firewhile Vladimir Putin
puts a missile defense systemin Syria
while he marshals the forcesand begins...
Look, we-we have got to beginto lean into this
with strong, broad-shoulderedAmerican leadership.
That's what he saysabout Trump all the time.
Broad-leadered... Broad-shouldered American leadership.
Broad-shouldered. And...and I'm not making this up.
Check it out.
To be around Donald Trumpis to...
is to be around a manwith broad shoulders.
That kind of broad-shoulderedAmerican strength.
This is abroad-shouldered leader.
The kind ofbroad-shouldered leader he is.
Look, Donald Trump's gotbroad shoulders.
-Broad-shouldered.-Broad. -Broad. -Broad.
I sawthis broad-shouldered leader.
So you're not referencinghis ma-masculinity there?
-Oh, not a bit. Not a bit.-Okay.
(cheering and applause)
We see you, Pence.