I know for most people the newsevery day
is about this used condomfilled with orange Gatorade.
But, but while that's going on,
there's another competitionhappening
that's much more importantto the rest of the world,
the Olympics, where athletespush themselves to the limits
while the rest of us sit at homeon the couch just judging them.
That's all we do. Just be like,
"Oh, I wouldn't have landedlike that. Oh, yeah.
"Yeah, your foot, your footshould always be straight.
Your footshould always be straight."
And there's good news.There's good news for the U.S.
For instance, America won thefirst gold medal of the games.
Ginny Thrasherfrom West Virginia University,
a rising sophomore,won the first gold medal
in these games in shooting.
That's right, that's right.
An American teen shooter wonthe first gold medal.
Which is great.Especially because in America
news that startswith "teen shooter"
usually doesn't end that well.Really, it doesn't.
Although, although,I will say this,
Americans winning for shootingis a little on the nose,
you know? That's-that's likeCanada winning the gold medal
in politely holding the dooropen for you.
That's a little too obvious.
Uh, now, some of the magicof the Olympics comes
in the most unexpected moments.
Uh, like look at this picture.
This is Egypt and Italyplaying beach volleyball.
I don't knowif you guys can guess
which country is which one.
Yeah. Kind of looks like they'replaying strip volleyball,
and Italy is gettingits ass kicked.
That's-that's whatthat looks like.
And, you know what,it-it actually is nice
to see good images coming outof Brazil and the Olympics,
because for months nowthe world has been anticipating
a total (bleep) showat the Rio Olympics.
Uh, like,a literal (bleep) show.
Uh, and, in that regard, theOlympics has not disappointed.
REPORTER: Australia's coach pulled his swimmers
out of a training pool, fearing infection,
after the water turned soupy.
I'm sorry, what?
The water turned soupy?
"Soupy" is never a good wordfor anything,
even for soup!
That's not somethingyou ever want to hear.
"How's the chicken noodletoday?"
"I'll have the salad."
Oh, uh, and here's another wordyou don't want to hear
at the Olympics, "crime-y."
REPORTER: Security is still an issue.
Kiwi jujitsu star Jason Lee
was robbed by armed men in uniform.
"What did you guys get up to yesterday? I got kidnapped,"
he tweeted. He went further on Facebook.
No. No, no, no,no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Jujitsu Man,
you don't get to blame Brazil
because your self-defenselet you down.
You don't get to do that.
And you know what?No, you know what?
This is the problem I havewith martial arts.
It was pretty cool until guns.
Now it doesn't work anymore.It's outdated.
Guy's like,"Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!"
-(imitates gun chamber clicking)-(laughter)
Here is all my money!
Here is my MasterCard!
Sure, you can havemy Apple watch, as well!
-Hyah! Hyah! -So, Roy, what'dyou think of that jujitsu joke?
Ew. Solid delivery.
Street Fighter referencewas a little dated.
-I would have gone with Tekken. -Mm-hmm.
-(laughter)-Yeah. Oh, look at him.
God, nowhe's-he's continuing to...
He's just... he's justreally feeding the bit.
-Won't stop. He won't stop.-Uh... uh...
You guys... you guys knowI can hear you, right?
Oh, now he's talking to himself.
-I mean, he's definitelyrattled. -Mm. -(laughter)
But more importantly,
I think the foreign accent he'susing is a little distracting.
Does the routine reallyneed that?
Roy, I couldn't agree more.
The whole "I'm a South African"seems a little overplayed.
Nelson Mandela,Charlize Theron.
It's been done.Find something new.
-(laughter)-Mm-hmm. Tell you what.
-If I were Trevor...-(laughing)
Which you are definitely not.
-You are nowhere near Trevor.-(laughter)
Dude, you (bleep) vacuums.
Vacuum. Singular, all right?
I'd never stray, at leastwhile she's under warranty.
It looks likehe's headed to the desk now.
All right, moving on.
Now, everyone who is currentlyat the Olympics is hoping
to leave Brazil with this thing.
But everyone is afraid
that they're actually goingto leave with this thing.
Now, in the past few months,
the Zika infection ratein Brazil has gone down,
but unfortunately, it seems like
that's because Zika has decidedto take its act on the road.
WOMAN: For the first time, evidence of Zika
spread by mosquitoes here in the U.S.
WOMAN 2: There are now 17 cases locally transmitted
of Zika in South Florida.
This includes at least 14 in Miami's Wynwood neighborhood.
17 cases in Florida,14 in Miami?!
And you realize that numberwould have been even higher
if everyonein Miami didn't know salsa.
Yeah. No,because that dance is basically
just rhythmically checkingfor mosquitoes.
That's-that's all that is.
(upbeat salsa music playing)
-That's all that is.-(applause and cheering)
And now... and now that Zikahas set up shop in Florida,
the disease has turnedfrom a third-world issue
to a first-world problem,
and not in likea hashtag kind of way.
This is (bleep) real, you know?
It meanspolitics is getting involved,
and politiciansare getting involved.
And it's reminding us
that it's not just mosquitoesthat suck.
WOMAN: Florida senator Marco Rubio tells POLITICO
that he does not believe
a pregnant woman infected with the Zika virus
should have the right to an abortion,
even if she believed
the child would be born with microcephaly.
Ah, little Marco.
Can I be honest with you guys?Can I be honest with you?
I don't understandhow any man thinks
that he has the rightto dictate to women
what they should dowith their body.
-(cheers and applause)-I don't understand it.
men know nothing aboutwhat it's like to be a woman.
-We're dumb as (bleep) whenit comes to that. -(laughter)
So why do men always get
to make lawsabout women's health issues?
It's almost like...it's almost like...
Imagine if black people werethe only ones who could decide
whether white peopleare allowed to use sunscreen.
-Imagine if that was the rule.-(laughter, applause)
It wouldn't make sense.People would be, like,
"What do black people even knowabout getting sunburned?"
Black people are like, "Yo, yo,yo, I hear what you saying, B.
"I hear what you saying.
"All I know is I'm pro melanin.
-That's all I'm saying."-(laughter)
"I'm pro melanin."
Marco Rubio.You know what I wish?
I wish a giant mosquitowould (bleep) Rubio
and leave him pregnantwith a Zika baby.
Then we'll see how much hereally believes in those laws.
He is glowing, though.He looks nice.
-I like that.-(laughter)
And then it turns out,
little Marco is just partof a bigger problem.
Congress this week failedto pass a Zika funding bill.
MAN 2: The White Houseoriginally asked
for $1.9 billionfor Zika prevention,
and the House passeda $1.1 billion measure in June,
but the bill died in the senateamid partisan squabbling.
Are you serious?
Are you...The CDC and the White House
told congress they need$1.9 billion to fight Zika,
and thenthe Republicans replied,
"Well, we'll give you half."
What do you mean,"We'll give you half"?
This is a disease,not a yard sale.
-(laughter)-You... you know what, actually?
I realize why congressis not so keen on fighting Zika.
Because congress isjust like mosquitos themselves.
Blood-sucking parasitesthat no one likes,
like, with little legs--no, wait, sorry, okay, wait,
let me start that again. Sorry.
They-they use buzzwordsand they s... and they...
Okay, wait. Um...
Looks like he straineda metaphor there, Jordan.
Yeah, definitely had troublesticking the landing, huh?
Noah attemptinga satirical comparison
between congress and mosquitos.
That whole routine had a highdegree of difficulty, and...
Well, not that high.
Man, you hate to see this.
Yeah, well, you knowwhat you might like to see?
I got some photos
of that hot little vacuumcleaner last night.
You got to take a look.Ho-ho-ho. Mm.