I'm going to be honest with you.
And-and honestly--this is a phrase
I don't thinkanyone's ever said--
but my favorite partof this whole week
was seeing Ted Cruz.
Because last night,the man with no reflection
did the most amazing thingI've ever seen.
He came to the convention
and he took a giant,principled, conservative dump
on Donald Trump's stageby refusing to endorse him.
I mean, it gave me feelingsI didn't even know I could feel!
My emotions-- you knowwhat my emotions were like?--
my emotions were likethat-that-that pizza
with the hot dogs for a crust.You know?
I mean,I couldn't tell what it was,
I couldn't quite understand,
but I knew America wasthe reason behind it.
And here, here's what made thespectacle even more exciting.
You see, up untilTed Cruz's speech last night,
it seemed like the conventionwas finally back on track.
You know, former rivalsstopped by to give their love,
we were about to meetTrump's running mate,
straight Anderson Cooper,
and then Cruz walked in.
And not only did henot endorse Donald Trump,
he endorsed everybody but Donald Trump.
And to those listening,
don't stay home in November.
Stand and speak
and vote your conscience,
vote for candidatesup and down the ticket
-(crowd jeering) -who you trustto defend our freedom
and to be faithfulto the Constitution.
(crowd continues chanting"Endorse Trump!"
Boo! We don't want to voteour conscience!
We want to votefor Donald Trump!
And by the way,poor Chris Christie.
He's had that look on his facefor the entire campaign.
He looks like the "before"in a Tums commercial.
-(laughter)-That's what he looks like.
This fiasco ruinedDonald Trump's convention.
A whole weekand millions of dollars spent
on trying to unify the party,
and Ted Cruz, using nothing morethan a few words
and a creepy face,destroyed the entire thing.
And you could feelthe whole room knew it.
We must make the mostof our moment
-to fight for freedom,-(jeering)
to protect our God-given rights,
even of those...
with whom we don't agree.
Oh, you simple, simple people.
You think boos hurt Ted Cruz?
The man has been booedhis whole life.
When he was born,the doctor booed him.
And you know what,with this being, uh,
my very firstAmerican convention,
I-I honestly could notbelieve what was happening.
But it turns out I wasn't alone.
Look, I f... I've neverseen anything like this.
-I mean, this was stunning.-Unprecedented.
WOMAN: Add this to the list of things
I never thought I would see.
-It was shocking.-Really remarkable moments
that we saw outon that convention floor.
-It was incredible.-An extraordinary snub.
-Hoo!-Whoa! Ted Cruz.
I'm over it. Uh...
But not really, not really.Because no one saw this coming.
You know what, we should haveseen this coming, though.
We should have seen this coming.Because the moment
Ted Cruz entered that roomyou could tell that something
had changed on an elementallevel, people.
The air got cold.
Flowers lost their petals.
And this-and this is real,though, this is real--
just before he was about tostrike, the screens behind him
started flickering. That reallyhappened during the speech.
And I've watchedhorror movies, people.
When you see screens flickering,
you get your assout of the house.
You get your ass out of there.
but classic white people--they all just sat there.
And that's the problem
with having no black delegates,my friends.
because if there were blackpeople in the room
they would have been like,"Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no.
We gots to go.Hell to the no."
You should haveseen this coming, people.
The screens were flickering.
Oh, and also, uh, there wasthis other small hint
that Ted Cruz might
have some reasonto want revenge.
I've never seen anybody
that lied as much as Ted Cruz.
I call him Lyin' Ted.
He never knew he was a Canadian.
Not a lot of evangelicalscome out of Cuba.
REPORTER: Trump cited a National Enquirer story
linking Cruz's father to Lee Harvey Oswald.
(Trump speaking on phone)
REPORTER 2: Trump retweeted an unflattering photo
of Cruz's wife Heidi.
This guy will say anything.
Nobody likes him.
I think he's an unstable person.
He's a pussy.
You what I take awayfrom all of this?
Donald Trump is dumb.
Yeah. He's dumb.
Donald Trump spends all his time
bragging abouthow he's gonna go...
(imitates Trump):"outsmart China.
I'm gonna outsmart Iran,I'm gonna outsmart Mexico."
And yet he got played by a guy
whose name is Lying Ted.
And Donald Trump is like,
"Well, how wasI supposed to know?"
Because you gave himthat name, dumbass!
Dumb. You are Dumb Donald.
I will say this, though.I will say this--
and this is somethingwe don't consider--
we dodged a bulletwith Ted Cruz. Yeah.
Because Donald Trumpmay talk crazy,
but Ted Cruz--he's psycho for real.
He will look his own partyin the eye
and then proceedto burn it all down.
In fact, last night--it reminded me
of that scenefrom Game of Thrones.
Cruzleesi, Breaker of Trumps,
King of the A-Holesand the Last Men.
Trump may have flown intoCleveland on his own plane,
but I'll tell you this--Ted Cruz flew out
naked and triumphanton a dragon of truth.