Welcome to The Daily Show.
We're live.I'm Trevor Noah.
Just minutes ago,Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton
left the stage after what wasthe most-watched episode
of Monday Night Raw.
Now, in the interestof dramatic flair,
we have also asked the audienceto remain silent
the entire eveningand not to laugh or applaud
unless they hear,like, a super funny joke.
But on the real, though, people,this is it-- we made it!
-The first debate! We made it.-(cheering, applause)
The waiting is finally over.
This was after a yearof subtweeting each other
on the campaign trail.
Finally, Hillary Clinton
and Donald Trumpwent head to head.
And we did not have to wait longfor the first lie.
Donald, it's goodto be with you.
Aah! She's crooked.
She's so crooked.The lies, Hillary.
Even Melania wasin the audience, like,
"It's never good to be with him.Don't lie.
Small hands, small hands."
You could tell both candidates
prepared so muchfor this debate.
And even-even before the debate,I mean, Hillary and Trump--
they tried topsyche each other out.
Last week Hillaryinvited Mark Cuban
to sit in the front row.
Uh, you know, becauseTrump might get thrown off
by seeing a real billionaire.
But then... but then,Trump was like,
"Okay, if that's howyou're gonna play it,
well, maybe I'll invite oneof your husband's mistresses."
That's some seriousmind game (bleep), people.
I thought for sure... I thoughtfor sure Hillary was just
gonna be like, "All right,well, let's do this, then--
I'm gonna invite the mariachiband to sit in the front row."
And then Trumpwas gonna be like,
"Well, I'll invitea bag of cough drops."
And then Trump would realizethat Bill Clinton
is sitting betweenIvanka and Melania and be like,
"Hey, Hillary, that's too far.
You can't put Bill betweenthe two women I love."
And Hillary would be like,"Wait, I thought that was
your idea." And Bill would belike, "No, that was my idea."
Now, after the Matt Lauerincident,
the last thingthe debate commission wanted
was to be seen as beingbiased against either side,
and so they cavedboth candidates' demands.
They gave Hillarya shorter podium
and they let Donald Trumpstop and frisk Lester Holt.
But this night, ladies andgentlemen, was full of fire.
In fact, most of the nightlooked like this.
You haven't done itin 30 years or 26 years,
-any number you want to do it.-Well, I-I've been a senator,
Donald, and... I have beena secretary of state.
-...that, in my book... -So isit President Obama's fault?
-before you even announce...-Is it President Obama's fault?
-But you have no plan.-...but in... Oh, I do.
-Secretary, you have no plan.-In fact, I've written
a book about it.
-You know what...-You said it's the finest deal
-you've ever seen, and then youheard what I said... -No.
about it and all of a sudden youwere against it. -Well, Donald,
I know you livein your own reality...
Welcome to the real life versionof Twitter, people.
You know that at that point
Lester Holt wasn't evenmoderating anymore.
He was just eating popcornwith everyone else,
like, "Whoa! Oh, ho, ho, ho!"
Now, before the debate started,
everyone had their own thoughts
on how this nightwould go, right?
Was Trump gonna be presidential?
Would Hillary coughand destroy the world?
Would Matt Lauer show upand ask for a second chance?
So many questions we had.I will say this, though:
I could be not have beenmore impressed
with Lester Holt tonight,
because he askedall the right questions,
including howto keep America safe.
Just go to her Web site,she tells you how to fight ISIS
on her Web site. I don't thinkGeneral Douglas MacArthur
-would like that too much.-HOLT: All right, the next...
The next segment, we'recontinuing the subject... -Well,
-at least I have a planto fight ISIS. -No, no,
you're telling the enemyeverything you want to do.
-No, we're not.-See, you're telling the enemy
everything you want to do. Nowonder you've been fighting...
no wonder you've been fightingISIS your entire adult life.
What?Her entire adult life?
ISIS has been around since 2004,
so that would makeHillary 26 years old?
And she can't be 26,
because Donald Trumpwasn't hitting on her.
I don't understand...what the...
Seriously, seriously,at some point,
Donald Trump was out of control.
He was hitting Hillaryfor the economy,
ISIS, her e-mails, taxes
and he wanted to hit herfor even more.
I-I have a feelingthat by the end of this evening
I'm gonna be blamed foreverything that's ever happened.
Oh! Yeah, why not?
I mean, Hillary evenimpregnated Trump's mother,
so Trump is actually her fault.Damn you, Hillary!
Oh, and by the way,don't you think "Why not?"
is the perfectTrump campaign slogan?
Donald Trump-- why not,folks, why not? Why not?
Take a chance.Why not? Why not?
'Cause we'll die,that's why not.
That one line, though...that one line
summed it all up for me.This whole entire evening.
Trump's eveningwasn't just about Hillary.
This debate was aboutDonald Trump
debating the establishment.
He was blaming Hillaryfor everything.
Everything Obama did,
uh, even everythingBush did, you know?
By the end of the nightI was like, "You're right,
she should have never shot Ax...Alexander Hamilton. Yeah!"
And I felt so badfor Lester Holt here.
He tried so hard to ask Trumpabout releasing his tax returns,
for instance, but Trumpwouldn't let him do anything.
HOLT: Mr. Trump, we'retalking about the burden
that Americans have to pay
yet you have not releasedyour tax returns
and-and the reason nomineeshave released their returns
for decades is so thatvoters will know
if their potential presidentowes money to...
who he owes it toand any business conflict.
I will release themas soon as the audit.
Look, I've been under auditalmost for 15 years.
I get audited almost every year.
And, in a way,I should be complaining.
I'm not even campaigning.I don't mind it.
But you just complained!
"I'm shouldn't...I should be complaining,
"but I'm not complaining.I should be...
"Let me tell you how much...how bad this is, I shouldn't
be telling you about this butI am telling you about this."
I should be shouting at youright now,
but I'm not, Donald Trump!
And the best part of this wholenight was when, halfway through,
he just gave up making excusesabout his taxes and he switched.
He became honestand he became proud of it.
He doesn't wantthe American people--
all of you watching tonight--
to know that he's paid nothingin federal taxes,
because the only yearsthat anybody's ever seen
were a couple of yearswhen he had to turn them over
to state authorities when he wastrying to get a casino license,
and they showed he didn't payany federal income tax.
-So, if he's paid...-That makes me smart.
I'm sorry, what?
Dude,taxes are a responsibility,
not something to evade,you know?
You-You're running to be thenumber one citizen of a country.
You shouldn't brag about waysyou found ways
to get around the rules.
He's like,"Oh, that makes me smart.
"You see what I did there?Ha-ha.
"Screwed over the Americanpeople by not paying
"my fair share. Ha-ha.Vote for me. Yeah.
"Vote for me.You see what I did there?
"I duped you all.You can't see me.
I found a way around the rules."
Yeah. You know who else founda way around the rules?
O.J. No one likes him.
"I foundthis very financial loophole...
"very lucrativefinancial loophole called crime.
Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.Vote for me."
Personally, to be honest,when this debate started,
I-I thought Donald Trump wasn'tdoing a bad job, you know?
He was throwingthe right punches,
he was saying the right things.
But then the debate movedto foreign policy,
and, honestly, I didn't thinkthis was ha...
I-I didn't thinkthis would happen, but I...
I was personally offended.
You know, it's one thingto have $20 trillion in debt
and our roads are goodand our bridges are good
and everything's in great shape.Our airports,
our airports are likefrom a third world country.
Our airports are nicerthan yours, Donald Trump.
And don't you bring third worldcountries into this (bleep),
you hear me? We're watchingthis debate right now.
Everyone's sitting at home,going,
"What is he talking about, huh?
"What is he talking...We've got nice airports.
"We've got wonderful countries.And, on top of that,
we have professionaltanning salons."
Asshole. You didn't landin a third world country.
Don't involve usin your problems.
So the debate moved on, right?
Moved on to race relationsin America.
Uh, and it turns out--and this might have been
my favorite partof the evening--
it turns outthe only way Donald Trump
can truly relate to any issuein America
is by whether or nothe has a property in that place.
When I look at what's going onin Charlotte,
a city I love, a citywhere I have investments...
You don't have good communityrelations in Chicago.
It's terrible.I have property there.
It's terriblewhat's going on in Chicago.
Yeah. I love this.
Donald Trump relates to America
like he's playinga game of Monopoly.
"Yeah, I have that street.I know what it's like there.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Mm-hmm, mm-hmm."
He's my boy.He gets it, you know? Yeah.
"Some of my favorite dollarbills live in Charlotte. Yeah.
"Yeah. What if a black guystands in front of my building
"and one of the bulletsgoes through him
and hits my building?Ho, ho, ho."
But, look, Trump,Trump wasn't the only guy
saying wrong things tonight--don't get me wrong.
He said mostof the incorrect things, right?
But Hillary said wrong thingswhen she got put on the spot.
Like, for instance, aboutthe murder rates in New York.
Under the current mayor,crime has continued to drop,
-including murders.So there is... -You're wrong.
-You're wrong. Murders are up.-No, I'm not.
-All right, you'll check it.-New York, New York
-has done an excellent job.-You'll check it.
Here's the thing. Hillary,
you don't need to be fightingover specifics
that Trump can prove... goopposite to what you're saying.
You're missing the point.This is about stop-and-frisk.
Shootings went up in New Yorkfor a few years
after stop-and-friskended, all right?
You don't need to defend itby lying.
You see, this is...this is one of the things
I don't understand.These are the small lies
that allow false equivalencyto exist.
You don't need to confuseshootings with murders
to justify endingstop-and-frisk.
Because you realizeyou just achieved
the impossible, Hillary.By lying there
in a debate with Donald Trump,
you gave him one thingwhere he was right.
You might as well have saidyou think his hair looks good.
When you talk about healing,I think that I've developed
very, very good relationshipsover the last... little while
with the African Americancommunity.
I think you can see that.
Y-You see that there?
That's a little thingI like to call Truth Trump.
Whenever you watch Trumpfrom now on-- watch him--
every now and again,Truth Trump comes out.
He can't control it.He'll be like,
"I've developed relationswith the African community
over the past... little while."
It just slips out,it just slips out.
Just slips out."All the taxes... I cheat.
Oh, I don't... I don't..."(laughing)
Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah.
"Because before this, I didnot mess with black people."
That's Honest Trump.
You know, I also noticedthe very nasty commercials
that you do on mein so many different ways,
which I don't do on you. MaybeI'm trying to save the money.
Oh, you see that?Just slipping it in.
"Yes, I don't do commercialson you.
'Cause I'm tryingto save the money."
Not 'cause he's a good person.Yeah.
That's what he should have said."I don't do negative commercials
"'cause I'm a good ma... 'CauseI'm trying to save the money.
"Truth Trump, shut up.I can't control it.
I need to build a wallin my mind, folks."
This is all the things he said.This is so insane.
...the other day,behind the blue screen,
I don't know who you weretalking to, Secretary Clinton,
but you were totally outof control.
I said, "There's a personwith a temperament
-that's got a problem."-Secretary Clinton.
Look at Hillary. This is onething I loved in this debate,
you know? Every other debatehas been around something else.
I mean, it hasn't beena presidential debate.
There's been Hillary, there'sbeen this, there's been that,
there's been Trump,there's been bouncing.
But this was Hillary's domain.
You could see, when she getsasked the questions,
she's got a little shimmy there,you know? A little spark.
She's like, "Whew, this is me.Is this words?
Is that what we're doing now?I'm loving this."
♪ Words, words, words,words, words, words ♪
♪ Give me all the words, words,words, words, words, words ♪
-(cheering and applause)-She was feeling it.
Policy is her world.
And-and I don't wantto start any rumors,
but there's a reasonI think Trump didn't do well.
I'm not sure-- and I'mnot trying to start rumors--
but Trump was sniffing a lotin this debate.
And-and someone needsto look into that.
Perhaps we'll be talkingabout that later. (sniffs)
Hundreds of companiesare doing this. (sniffs)
Our country's in deep trouble.(sniffs)
I want you to be very happy.
-(cheering and applause)-(sniffs)
What was that about, Trump?
But, look, uh,we didn't watch the debate
just to make jokes about it.
We wanted to do our partto keep the candidates honest.
And tomorrow on the show,we're gonna delve into it.
I mean, it just happened now.It's still sinking in.
Uh, so we did haveSenior Campaign Correspondent
Roy Wood, Jr., watching closely,ladies and gentlemen.
-Roy Wood, Jr., joining us live.-(cheering and applause)
how did the two candidatesdo tonight?
Yeah, Trevor, I saw themtwo sneaky-ass mofos tonight.
Oh, wait, this is live.C-Can I say "mofos"?
Yeah, well, you just did.
Uh, but probably not "ass."don't say "ass."
Well, you just said it.Forget it.
Look, now let's just kick it offwith my man Donald Trump.
He came out saying,
"I want to make sureimmigrants get deported."
I was like, "Oh, hell, no!"
But then Hillary starts talkingabout being trustworthy.
(scoffs)Girl, you tripping.
I know you did not just starttalking about being trustworthy.
Oh, and then,Trump started talking
about how he was always againstthe Iraq War.
He was cutting offLester Holt.
I was like, "Lester,let me come up to Hofstra
"and ride on this foolfor you, man.
-I got your back, brother!"-Roy, Roy, Roy.
Roy, what are you doing?
You asked me to black-checkthe debate.
No, no, Roy.
No. I asked youto fact-check the debate.
Oh. That's my bad.
Why would I ask youto black-check the debate?
I don't know whyyou would ask that.
I thought it was pretty racist,to be honest.
You know, I didn't want to sayanything, though,
'cause I was like,"That dude hate black people.
I better keep my mouth shut."
You know, but, hey, Trevor,real talk, though.
Why do you thinkTrump was sniffing so much?
Well, if you ask me, Roy,it's obvious.
He was probably sniffing all thebull(bleep) that he was saying
on stage all night.
Roy Wood, Jr., everyone.