It's a well-known factaround The Daily Show offices
that Jordan Klepperloves a happy ending.
He can't get enoughof them, people.
But sadly, his happy endingscan be hard to come by,
as we seein this next installment
of his ongoing series.
KLEPPER: In the inaugural segment
of "Jordan's Happy Endings,"
I travel to Oglesby, Illinois
to celebrate lotto winners Susan and Danny
who won $250,000,
only to find out they weren't going to be paid
because Illinois was without a budget.
-BOTH: We haven't gotten money.-(Klepper groans softly)
At the time, Illinois' budget was being held hostage
by Governor Bruce Rauner and a deadlocked state legislature.
Well, they've had almost a year to get their (bleep) together,
so I headed back to Oglesby to get my... happy ending.
-Susan. -Hi, Jordan!-The big question.
Did you get paid?
Yes, we got paid.
(band plays upbeat tune)
Well, it was short,but it was satisfying.
And that's my happy ending.
But it's not
-a happy ending.-What?
SUSAN: They still haven'tgotten a budget.
-Social Services...-Oh, you know what?
You know what?I'll ask inside. Just...
Great. This happy ending is going to take longer
than it usually does.
Okay, so why aren't you happy?
All human services programsare being cut,
and it's an absolute disaster.
KLEPPER: Okay, so, they did fix the lottery.
Problem is they forgot to fix everything else.
MAN: Programs have been cut, education's been cut.
WOMAN: Illinois has no budget.
They're in a total mess situation.
KLEPPER: Because of the budget impasse,
they've cut programs that provide care
for the elderly and disabled.
Students aren't getting scholarships,
and homeless shelters are being closed.
In short, Illinois is more of a (bleep) show than ever.
What does this haveto do with you guys anymore?
You guys are lotto winners.
You're thousand-aires.You don't have to deal with
real-world problems anymore.
I workin the mental health field.
And Illinois' (bleep)with that, too?
(sighs)What about you, Danny?
Oh, I'm fine.
Of course Danny's fine.
-Thanks, Danny.-SUSAN: Well, he has
to listen to me and my sisterwhine all the time.
What is your sisterwhining about?
I work with, um,runaway and homeless youth,
and, um, becauseof the state budget issues,
it's hard to get them servicesthat they need.
No therapy,no medication, no nothing.
KLEPPER: Homeless youth not getting the medication
or therapy they need is perhaps the saddest happy ending ever.
-(band plays melancholy tune) -And it gets worse.
With multiple lawsuits against the governor
because over 800 social service agencies
are struggling to survive,
pretty much everyone is suing the governor,
including... his wife!
Through her non-profit organization
that is owed six million dollars.
So, what's the solution?
Get our politiciansto get off their butts
and to actually learnto work together,
instead of against each other.
KLEPPER: Well, I'm not coming back to Oglesby,
so I'm going straight to the capitol
and grabbing the first lawmakers I see.
Meet Democratic Senator Biss
and Republican Representative Sandack. That's right.
I got two members from opposing parties
to sit with me, and I'm going to get
to the bottom of this mess.
Look, I point the fingerat the governor for coming in
guns blazing and wantingto hold the budget hostage
and be unwillingto just sit down and negotiate
-about the budget.-It... That's just not accurate.
He's not a memberof the legislature.
He can't draft a bill, and hecan't sign a budget on his own.
It needs to come to him.
To be clear, a budgethas come to him,
but instead, he vetoed thewhole thing except for one bill.
Yeah, he vetoeda four billion-dollar,
out-of-balance budgetbecause no one's going
to line-item four billions.
-Why not? -Billion.Because it's ridiculous.
-It's our job.-Why? Why?
Why? Because we should do that.
Look, dude,the constitution explicitly says
the governorcan line-item things
out of the budgetto bring it into balance.
-Well, then... -Why shouldn'the have done that?
Well, of course Illinois
is screwed with bickering Muppets
running the state.
At least they can agree
-that they're both to blame. -Mm.
You know you're to blame, right?
What? Of course we are.
-So you're not to blame?-No.
-Are you guys...?-He's to blame.
Who's to (bleep) blame?
We're all to blame.
If-if you're sleeping wellat night, you're doing it wrong.
You sleeping well at night?
Only on the weekends.
It feels likeyou're doing it wrong.
There's a lotof people out there
who are not sleeping well at night,
like the homeless youth,or the elderly, or students.
Or taxpayers,or people that have businesses.
That's not one-uppingthe whole homeless youth thing.
-I would kind of let that thingsit? -BISS: I really think
that's an incrediblyimportant point.
There is a hierarchyof needs here.
And we could fight about taxpolicy until everybody's dead,
-but in the meantime... -I thinkthat's what you're doing.
These guys wouldn't know a happy ending
if it hit 'em in the face, so it's up to me.
-(chanting) -Yes. The state has cut funding
for human services and higher education,
meaning schools may not open in the fall, but
you know who they are paying?
Lotto winners. So it's time for me
to offer some survival tips to the youthful minds of Illinois.
Write this down.Step one-- buy a lottery ticket.
Step two-- win Lotto.
Step three-- get the (bleep) outof Illinois.
I know you're thinking,
"Oh, my God,this isn't possible!"
Well, you know what?Shut up!
I know somebody who did this.
So I want youto welcome guest speaker Danny!
I have to let him in.
Please take these fertile minds
and share with themyour inspiring story.
I won the lottery.
-Thanks for coming, Danny.-Thank you.
And there it is! I've given these kids
a fool-plan proof for success in the wasteland
that is Illinois, because apparently,
the only thing this state is capable of doing
is paying the lottery winners.
Illinois will stoppaying lottery winners
at the end of this month.
KLEPPER: Son of a...!
Well, it may not be a happy ending,
but it's an ending!