But let's get straight into it.
Ted Cruz is onthe campaign trail.
So, consider this a warning,folks.
He might be calling your house.
Hi. This is Ted Cruz calling.
I was calling to encourage you
to come out and voteon election day.
This election is critical forthe direction of our country,
and I urge you to come outand support freedom
and the Constitutionand the Bill of Rights.
I feel so bad for this guy.
No, because, I mean, you know
that if he actuallyreaches a Trump supporter,
that call is not gonnago well, right?
He's gonna be on the phone like,"Hi. This is Ted Cruz.
Mm-hmm, yes, that's right.Lying Ted, mm-hmm."
"Well, I'm justurging you that...
That's right, my fatherkilled Kennedy, mm-hmm."
-(laughter) "Well, I justwant you to vote for...
"Well... well, I don't seehow that...
"Oh, okay, fine.Uh, I'm a pretty little pony,
and I want youto vote for Donald Trump."
"Okay, thank you very much."(sighs)
-(applause and cheering)-It's the saddest thing ever.
And you know what'sthe saddest thing about that?
Is not that Cruz made the call,
but that you knowthat as soon as he said,
"Hi. This is Ted Cruz,"the person hung up.
-(laughter) -Yeah,'cause of course they did.
No one actually talks toTed Cruz. That doesn't happen.
And then, the rest of the time,'cause there was a camera,
he was faking itso people wouldn't think
he was talking to no one.
Yeah, honestly. The phone wasn'tprobably plugged in.
He was just talking by himself.He was like,
"Hi. This is Ted Cruz, and, uh,
"I think this is howa conversation would go
-if I actually had friends."-(laughter)
Speaking of bad phone calls,
let's talkabout Samsung real quick.
Lately, their phoneshave been having
a lot of reception problems
because it's hardto hear someone
when your phonehas just exploded.
And even afterthey recalled the Galaxy Note 7,
it turns outthey're still having issues.
A man says his replacementGalaxy Note 7 phone
started smoking on a flight,forcing the plane to evacuate.
I noticed smoke justpouring out of my pocket.
Pulled the phoneout of my pocket,
threw it onto the ground where
it continued to smokeand kind of burn
and smolder into the carpet.
Air hostess was like, "Sir,this is a no-smoking flight!
That includes phones!"
That is terrifying, though.
I will say this.
This story right here is thedefinition of "white privilege."
You get on a plane, and you havesmoke coming out of your pocket,
and then you whip out a device
that looks likeit's gonna blow up,
and you throw it on the ground,
and people are like,"Sir, are you okay?
-Are you okay?"-(laughter, applause & cheering)
"Oh, my God, you poor man!
"Are you okay?!
"You must be so shaken up!
You can't evenhunt Pokémon now!"
Yeah, you knowif that dude was Middle Eastern,
they would have tackledthe (bleep) out of him!
Muslims get kicked off planesjust for texting.
They get kicked offfor having working phones!
This guy's out here,"My phone's gonna blow up!"
Oh, and by the way, by the way,it's not just Samsung's phones.
First it was phones.
Now word of troublefor another Samsung product.
Tonight the warning aboutexploding washing machines.
You knowyou're doing something wrong
-when you're making a boxof water explode. -(laughter)