Now... now, everyone celebratestheir birthday differently.
Some people go to a bar,
some people have a nice,intimate dinner.
Some people wait all dayfor a surprise party
that never came.
But Donald Trumphad his own way of celebrating.
Donald Trump this morning
suggested on two separateoccasions that President Obama
may be purposely allowingterror attacks to take place.
TRUMP: We're led by a manthat either is... is...
is not tough, not smart,
or he's gotsomething else in mind.
And the something else in mind--
you know,people can't believe it.
There's something going on.
Are you (bleep) me?
Donald Trump,the Republican nominee,
is saying the presidentof the United States
is a secret agent for ISIS.
He's accusing Obama of treason.
If ever there was a way you knowthat President Obama
is not an African president,this is it.
Because if you pulledthis (bleep) in Africa,
we would not knowwhere Donald Trump is right now.
We would not know.
I mean, rea... An ISIS agent?
Really? An agentthat bombs ISIS banks,
killed bin Laden,drones them nonstop--
really, an ISIS agent? This isso ridicu... It's... You know?
And clearly, come-come on,let's be honest,
he's-he's the worstsleeper agent of all time, then.
Donald Trump is a deceitful,shameless birthday boy.
And... and by the way,if you ask me, if you ask me,
there's only onesleeper agent in this race,
and we all know who that is.
Look, people, the stakesare getting high now.
The Republican and Democraticparty primaries are over
and we now know that the nextpresident of the United States
is definitely going to be eitherthe She-Wolf of Wall Street
or an expired bottleof Sunny Delight.
And yesterday America had a rareopportunity to compare them
in almost scientific conditions,because both Hillary and Trump
gave major speeches in the wake of the Orlando shooting.
But the vibe of the speecheswere very, very different.
Hillary's speech was calm and mature.
She didn't even mention Donald Trump once.
Instead, she focused on policy.
We also have to useall our capabilities
to counterjihadist propaganda online.
As president, I will work withour great tech companies
from Silicon Valleyto Boston to step up our game.
We have to do a better job
tracking and analyzingsocial media posts.
That is a great idea,Hillary, yes.
You know what, why don't youset up a server and then I'll...
You... Actually, you know what?You know what, no.
You know, I'll handlethe server, you...
you analyze the results.
Now, every time there'sa terrorist attack in America
you know it's onlya matter of time
before the anti-Muslimrhetoric flares up.
And, knowing this,
Hillary did her partto present an alternative.
Millions of peace-lovingMuslims live, work
and raise their familiesacross America.
And they are the most likelyto recognize
the insidious effectsof radicalization
before it's too late,
and the best positionto help us block it.
So we should be intensifyingcontacts in those communities,
not scapegoatingor isolating them.
It's a powerful statement,and it's true.
So, uh, looking at the speeches,what have we learned?
Under these conditions,our research shows
that our firsttest subject, Hillary,
has, uh, exhibited signsof compassion,
resolve and restraint.And, yes, and, yes,
so what if "compassion,resolve and restraint"
were the stage directionsin her teleprompter?
Being human isn't easyfor everyone, okay?
But it's now time for us to lookat our second test subject,
But the Muslimshave to work with us.
They have to work with us.They know what's going on.
They know that he was bad.
They knew the peoplein San Bernardino were bad.
But you know what?They didn't turn 'em in,
and we haddeath and destruction.
Every single Muslim personknows exactly
what every otherMuslim person is thinking.
They all... Oh, no, wait.
No, wait,you're thinking of bees.
That's what you're thinking of.
Or, as you call them, Buslims.Yes, yes.
So, under identical conditions,
the second subjectexhibited signs of paranoia,
xenophobia and, clearly,late-stage jaundice.
Uh... You know what?
Jokes aside, people,let's cut the crap.
This guy's (bleep)crazy dangerous.
Instead of trying to moveAmerica forward,
he spentmost of his speech lying
and laying out his planto turn America on itself.
We have a dysfunctionalimmigration system
which does not permit us
to know who we letinto our country.
-MAN: True.-Uh, not true.
Actually, America has a verystrict immigration process.
-Trust me, I know.-(laughter)
Uh, you were saying?
Hillary Clinton-- her plan isto disarm law-abiding Americans,
abolishing the Second Amendment,
and leaving only the bad guysand terrorists with guns.
No good.Not gonna happen, folks.
Not gonna happen.
Yes. You know whyit's not gonna happen?
Because Hillary's not tryingto abolish the Second Amendment.
That's also a lie.
If Hillarybasically said anything,
Trump would go against...
If Hillary saidthat jaywalking was bad,
Trump would be like,
"Hillary Clinton wantsto cut everyone's legs off.
-Is that the candidateyou want?" -(laughter)
"Someone who believes that yourlegs should be bloody stumps?
"Her plan is to dis-leglaw-abiding Americans.
Not good. Won't happen.Not good."
The bottom line isthat the only reason
the killer was in Americain the first place was
because we allowed his familyto come here.
That is a fact, and it's a factwe need to talk about.
Yeah, you know what, Trump?Let's talk about that fact.
His parents came to the U.S.from Afghanistan in the '80s,
I assumeto see a Go-Go's concert.
-And then they stayed.-(laughter)
Afghanistan was not aterrorist-harboring country
at the time.
In fact,they were helping America
in the fight against communism.
So there's no wayyou could have known
that their American-born childwould have grown up
to do what he did.
There's no way to know that.
There's no box on theimmigration form that says,
"Do you planto accidentally raise a child
that could be a dangerto America?"
That box doesn't exist.
Because if that box existed,what would have happened is,
when your mother immigratedto the U.S. from Scotland,
she would have checked"yes" and "yes."
-That's whatshe would have done! -(laughter)
-Yeah.-(cheers and applause)
There's no wayyou could have known!
Oh, although I get... That's...
Okay, that's not fair, though.That's not fair.
'Cause I guess'cause she's Scottish,
she would have checked"Aye, aye, aye."
(Scottish accent):"My wee Donald
"is gonna destroy all of it.
"He's my little dragon.
He'll breathe fireon your two-party system."
Even when Donald Trumpwas speaking up
for the LGBT community,he turned it strangely
into an oddly-placed attackon Hillary Clinton.
Ask yourself who is reallythe friend of women
and the LBand LGBT community?
Donald Trump with actions, orHillary Clinton with her words?
I will tell youwho the better friend is,
and some day, I believethat will be proven out bigly.
(applause and cheering)
That's, um...that's not a word.
Here's a tip.
Uh, if you're goingto invent a word,
-don't put it at the endof the sentence. -(laughter)
What you need to do isyou slip it in the middle
in a geminat way while no oneis paying attention.
Oh, and by the way, there areplenty of words that mean "big."
I mean, colossal, large, huge,
gigantic, considerable,enormous, immense, tremendous.
Like, how do you pickliterally the only one
that you can't addan "LY" to?
-The only one!-(laughter)
Look, people, at the endof the day, I understand.
I understand that bothof these were speeches, right?
But campaign speechesare sort of like wedding vows.
They're a promise.
A promise of a shared future.
And right now,one of those futures threatens
to (bleep) America.