The Big Mad Wolf - Burkini Battle in France

September 19, 2016 - Nick Jonas & Ben Schnetzer 09/19/2016 Views: 26,859

Michelle Wolf comments on French mayors outlawing the full-bodied bathing suits favored by many Muslim women on public beaches. (5:51)

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Here with her new segment,The Big Mad Wolf,

is The Daily Show's Michelle Wolf.

(wolf howling)

(cheering, applause)

Oh, France.We all know France.

It's the thing you seeafter London,

but before you see underpants.

And right now, it's the centerof a very heated debate.

TV REPORTER: The glistening beaches of the South of France,

normally the most desired holiday destinations in Europe,

ground zero for the battle over the so-called burkini ban.

French officials are also tryingto have a say

about how women should dress.

And several mayors in Franceare still refusing

to allow Muslim womento wear

full-body swimsuits known as burkinis.

And this comes despite a high-court ruling last Friday

saying the ban is illegal.

It is so hard to be a woman.

You're wearing too little!You're wearing too much!

You're somehow wearingboth too much and too little.

You're too old,you're too young.

You're a prude, you're a whore,have my baby.

Give me back my son!

(cheering, applause)

Now, here's what's going on.

Muslim women want to wearburkinis, which is a full-body

covering bikini on the beach.

Because, culturally, that'show they feel comfortable.

And by the way,let's just take a quick second

to appreciate the name"burkini."

"Burka" plus "bikini"--

come on, that's beautiful.

It is surprisingly hard

to come up witha good combination name.

Like cronut. See, I know

it's a combined croissantand doughnut,

but it sounds likeCrohn's disease for your nuts.

Like, "Oh, my doctor

"just gave me terrible news.

I've got the cronuts."

You can't justjam two things together

and expect it to work.Like Hiddleswift.

And for the record,I'm thrilled they broke up.

Have you seen the two of them?

They're both so wispy and pale.

I can't even imaginethem having sex.

It's like two violin bowsrubbing together.

Like... (screeches)

I (bleep).

Squad goals.

And speaking of (bleep),let's come back around

to the burkini ban.

Why is this even happening?

REPORTER: Officials say this has to do with concerns

over Islamic terrorism.

Others say it's Islamophobia.

Okay, real quick, French police,

let's say these women buildingsand castles at the beach

are terrorists-- which they'renot, not even a little bit.

Wouldn't you want themto wear burkinis

so they're easier to spot?

I don't thinkit's the best advice

to tell suspected criminalsto blend in.

(deep voice): Hey, you knowthose bad guys we're supposed

to be on the lookout for?Let's hide 'em in a sea of tits,

like a Where's Waldo? porno.

And this burkini nonsenseisn't just a couple

fringe French mayors.

It goes to all the wayto le top.

REPORTER: France's Prime Minister Valls

gave a speech Monday hailing Marianne,

a national symbol of freedom,

and suggesting that her naked breast

represents France better than the burkini.

Valls appears to be referring to this 1830 painting

called Liberty Leading the People.

TRANSLATOR: Marianne has a naked breast

because she is feeding the people.

She is not veiled because she is free.

That is the republic.

All right...

why do I get the feelingthat's not the first time

their prime minister hasmade a case for naked breasts?

Specifically, to his secretary.

(French accent):Marie, you're not a prisoner.

Your breasts must be set freeinto my hands and mouth.

(exclaims)

(cheering, applause)

But let's talk...

let's talk about that painting.

Clearly, it was done by a man,

because any woman knows thatwhen doing a physical activity,

you want your boobs

as contained as possible.

You can't fight a war

with your titsflopping all around.

Oh, you got injured in combat.

What happened, were you shot?

No, my boobs slapped meright in the face.

Now, Marianne, the womanin that painting,

is the French symbol of liberty.

And liberty doesn't have to meanyou have to be naked.

It's the freedom to make whatwhatever terrible fashion choice

you want-- naked, burkini,

socks with sandals-- anything.

I mean, France even gave usthe Statue of Liberty,

and she looks like she's wearingevery towel she could find.

(cheering, applause)

What the prime ministeris trying to say is

"Listen, Islam, you're notallowed to dictate

"what women can wearon the beach.

That's a French mayor's job."

And call me crazy,but not every woman

wants to show her bodyat the beach.

Sometimes, forreligious reasons or modesty

or because you havekielbasa nipples...

Kielbasa nipplesare like pepperoni nipples,

except thicker and Polish.

It's a thing.

But still, some French mayorsare adamant.

REPORTER: Local mayors such as Marc Etienne Lansade

vowed to keep their bans in place.

He insists there will be no burkinis,

even if he has to declare his beaches for nudists only.

Wait, make all beaches nude?

That is a Gerard Depar-don't.

Terrorism is scary.

But so is seeinga naked old hairy man.

Because although you can...a s... a suicide bomb

can kill you, seeinga French man's raw balls,

you'll livebut you will never be the same.

Back to you, kielbasa nips.

Thank you, Michelle.Michelle Wolf, everyone!