But let's get straight into it.
The big story-- last night wasthe first presidential debate,
where voters finally sawtwo grandparents go at it
without having to bein line at the drugstore.
Which is nice, which is nice.
And I don't know about you,but today,
I woke up feelinga little bit better about life.
You know?Because last night,
it felt like everythingwas on the line.
I spent most of the debatepraying Hillary wouldn't cough.
-(laughter)-The entire time I was like,
"If you cough, we all die.You cough..."
Hell, I was even afraidto cough.
I was sitting at homejust, like...
(hoarsely): Does this meanhe's president now?
Yeah, like, last nightHillary Clinton felt
like I felt when the Ebolacrisis was at its peak.
As an African,you couldn't cough anywhere.
Anytime you cough,it was like... (coughs)
and people were like,"You're dying!"
I was like, "No!"
And, you know, last night wewere reminded of why America has
the most entertaining electionin the world.
Because after the debate,instead of everyone going home,
everyone heads to the spin room!
Which is basically the debateafter-party, you know?
The journalists mingle, thesurrogates reframe the evening,
and if you're lucky,R. Kelly might pee on you.
Yeah. Now, normally,the candidates
leave it up to their surrogatesto spin for them,
but last night,Donald Trump made history.
Not only was his debate the mostwatched debate of all time,
with 18 million viewers, buthe was also the first candidate
in recent historyto visit the spin room himself.
I just think it wasvery exciting overall, Dana.
I thought the,uh, the outset was great.
You know, you walk on, you don'tknow exactly what to expect...
No, Donald, you don't knowwhat to expect.
-(laughter)-Everyone else prepared!
Who is this guy?
Who is he? He's like,"You don't know what to expect.
"Are there gonna be questions?Are there gonna be people?
"I don't know. If onlythere were some way to know
"what was gonna happenon the night...
Huh-huh, we'll see."
You know, you know, I knowthat if Trump becomes president,
there's a high possibilityhe'll destroy the world,
but... you have to appreciatethese moments.
The man was spinningfor himself.
That's the equivalentof giving a wedding toast
at your own wedding.
Just standing up and being like,"Let me tell you
"about the first timeI met me, folks.
-(laughter) -"No,but seriously, I'm the best.
"I'm the best. Here's to me.
Here's to me, everybody,here's to me."
And he wasthe only candidate there.
Because Hillary, she... she leftstraight after the debate.
You know?Because she didn't need to spin.
She basically won.And also, her ride was waiting.
So she had to leave.
-(laughter)-But... but Trump...
but Trump had to spin a lotlast night,
because the debatedid not go well for him.
And from the timethe debate ended,
he had come upwith a reason as to why.
They also had...gave me a defective mike.
-Did you notice that?-No.
My mike was defectivewithin the room.
I wonder, was that on purpose?
Yeah, I don't want to be the guy
who believes in conspiracies,not me, not me. I mean,
I'm not the guy who chasedthe Birther conspiracy for so...
I love this, I love it. DonaldTrump blaming the microphone.
Yeah. Donald Trumpsounds like my cousin,
who never accepts thatI kicked his ass in Xbox.
That's what he's doing."The only reason you beat me,
"Trevor, is becausethe controller doesn't work!
"That's why you beat...It's the controller!
And because I lost my right handfighting as a child soldier!"
-(laughter) -Like, "What? Dude,that happened in the game."
"I don't care. It felt real."
But, you know what,the truth is,
you know, Trump's mike was actually worse.
It was worse than bad.
It was so bad...
that it was good.
Donald Trump, what's the dealwith the sniffles?
You know, I heard you in,I think, the first answer,
it sounded likeyou had seasonal allergies
or a little cold--what's up with that?
The mic was very bad,
but maybe it was good enoughto hear breathing.
As if people didn't think Trumpwas evil before.
Now he's using the samecomplaints as Darth Vader.
(as Darth Vader):"Luke, I am your fa...
"Guys. Guys, is it, is it justme or is my breathing, like,
"is it like really loud?
"Is it... is it making...
"It makes me sound sinister,doesn't it?
"I'm just trying to tell Lukethat I'm his dad.
(inhales and exhales)
"Can-can someone check my mic?
"I don't know, it just makesme-- like, people judge me.
"I feel like they don't know me,and...
"Like, because of the sound,it just... (inhales and exhales)
"There it is again.Can you hear it?
"Can you guys hear it?
"I don't know. I just like...like...
"People don't even know me,and then they're like,
"he's a bad guy, but they don'teven know, like...
"It's just, like,the breathing...
"I think we needto check the mic...
(inhales and exhales)
"That thing, that thing.Can you guys hear that?
Just me?Okay, just me."
-Now, now, if Donald Trump...-(cheers and applause)
If Donald Trump believes thatthe microphone wasn't working,
I can understand why he would bepissed off about that,
because for himand everyone around him,
last night Donald Trump showeda lot of, um...
He showed, uh...what's the word I'm looking for?
I thought, Mr. Trump,at different times tonight,
showed great restraint.
I think there you saw in him,the restraint,
and the temperament that willmake for a great president.
I think he showed discipline.
I think he was measured.
I think, in fact,he was restrained.
He was restrained?
That doesn't sound likea presidential compliment.
It sounds more like somethingthe pre-school teacher says
about a terrible kidon an okay day.
"So, which cubby did Donny(bleep) in today?
"He didn't. You know what?He was disciplined.
"He was measuredand restrained.
"Yeah. I think, I think,in fact, we might have...
"Oh no, he's doing it again.There he is.
"He's doing it again.
I don't think heshould be president."
But that's-that's just where theRepublicans have gotten to now.
You realize the bar is so low,
no one expects to praise hispolicies, his ideas, his vision.
They're just relieved that hedidn't cause a scene on stage.
And he didn't.He didn't, right?
But-but you watch this, and youtell me that he was restrained.
You wouldn't pay what the manneeded to be paid,
-what he was charging you.-Maybe he didn't do a good job.
-Where did you find this...-Her name is Alicia...
-Any number you want...-I've been a senator, Donald.
You haven't done it,you haven't done it.
-And I have been a Secretaryof State. -And excuse me...
-I did not. I did not.-Science is real.
I do not say that.
-And down the nationa...-Wrong facts.
-We have... which... you know...-Not... ugh... wrong...
-That is absolutely proved overand over again. -Wrong.
-Wrong. Wrong.-(laughter and applause)
You know, when Trump does that,it looks like,
it looks likethat's how he kisses,
like, wrong, wrong...
Like, he kisses you... wrong.
And he tells you why youshouldn't be kissing him.
Wrong. Wrong.What is he doing?
Hillary is trying to talk andhe's there, "Wrong, not true."
He's like a reverse hype man,that's what he's doing.
Like Hillary's rappingon the beat.
"And this is what we're gonna doin terms of the...
"Wrong.That's not true.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,you're the worst."
Yeah, in fact, in fact,
Donald Trump interruptedHillary Clinton 51 times
during the debate, comparedto only 17 interruptions
from Secretary Clinton.
51 times,or as Trump would put it,
I won by 34 interruptions,folks.
Wasn't even close.
That's why Hillarydid so well yesterday.
She goaded Trumpinto Hulking out
-at the debate, basically.-(Hulk roaring)
Yeah.That's what happened to him.
Except when Trump Hulks out,his hands still stay tiny.
-I don't know if yousee them there. -(laughter)
They stay the same.
Oh, and by the way,this has nothing to do
with anything, really,but did you guys see last night
how much waterDonald Trump drank?
Remember where we wereeight years ago...
on the precipice of having a...
...website, HillaryClinton.com,and we turned it into...
...potentially much bettereconomy...
I don't see changesin the corporate tax rates.
Words matter when yourun for President,
and they really matterwhen you are President.
Damn, I've never seen this guyso thirsty before.
Were you nervous, Trump?
I mean, I-I remember,you made fun of Marco Rubio
for how much water he drank.
Are you now the one --and you know... oh, wait.
Actually,I was watching the debate
and I-I thinkI realized something.
It seems like Trump has beenabsorbing all the powers
of his defeated opponents.
Yeah. Sort of like in Heroes or Highlander,
-depending on your age.-(laughter)
Seriously, think about it.
You saw it during the debate.
He interruptedlike Carly Fiorina.
He drank water like Marco Rubio,
and he ate (bleep)like Jeb Bush.
Or at least, or at least,or at least I-I thought he lost,
because, when I looked online,
it looked like a lot of Trumpsupporters thought that he won.
In fact, in many online polls,Trump crushed it.
And I know online pollsaren't the most accurate,
because it would be anyoneonline voting.
It could be the Russians,it could be the Chinese.
Hell, it could be some 400-poundperson sitting on his bed.
So, so it wasan historic evening.
Each candidate laying outtheir vision,
or lack thereof, for America.
But, you know, there's a partof me that also thinks
this election seasonis almost for nothing,
because afterlast night's debate,
I saw one woman on the newsin Columbus, Ohio,
and she gave me more claritythan all the pundits combined.
I am votingfor the conservative party.
And if this jackass just happensto be leading this mule train,
so be it.
You see that right there?
No spin, all truth.
American politics has basicallybecome like sports.
It's not aboutmaking the best choice anymore.
It's about supporting your teamthrough thick and thin. Yeah.
And Republicans are like,"I've got the shirt
"and this is my team.I mean, this year, yeah,
"you know, uh, we happento have a quarterback
who's extremely racist,but, I mean,
"what are you gonna do?
Throw the ball, Donnie.Throw the ball."